The Headlines
Fame and Fortune in the Big Apple
Tuesday June 28 - Wichita, Kansas Here he is again with one of his zany antics, and of course by he, I mean me. While wandering through Kansas on a decision to walk across the country, in search of a good life as a grape rancher in California, I ran up to a few fans of mine. Or I would have, were I Sean Penn, and of course, I am. Anyway, as the story goes, I was walking through Wichita when I was waylaid by two teenage girls screaming for my autograph. I casually remarked, "Anything for fans." Another girl replied with, "Are you sure he's Sean Penn, He doesn't look like him, and he's wearing a t-shirt of Fast Times at Ridgemont High."  I had to clear up this rumor of course, because noone needs to doubt that I am in fact Sean Penn. As I already stated, I really am. No seriously, it was me that won that Oscar for Best Actor. I cried, it was so emotional. My role, not the Oscar, ?I could give a damn. See?? I'm Sean Penn. But I digress. Anyway, we got to talking, I signed a few Autographs, as Lord Tater, yet they never noticed, and kissed a couple of cheeks, then went on my way. You see, my mission was at hand, and ?I was thirsty, so I felt the need to quench it in Wichita's Finest, The Ultra Smoothie.* While at the only kiosk in the world that serves said pinnacle of drink splendor, I came across a face I had seen before. I think it was when I snuck onto the set of Mystic River, what is this guy's name? Anyway, he asked if I were the guy pretending to be Sean Penn, so I had to clear up the confusion. I told him that I actually WAS Sean Penn. He seemed taken aback by this comment, then responded that HE was Sean Penn, not me. I asked him to prove it. He showed me the Oscar he got for Mystic River. I responded calmly to this, reminding him that Sean Penn threw away his Oscar, and that he had to be Bill Murray, who clearly stole it from my trash because he felt he deserved it for Lost in Translation. The man got the strangest look on his face, said "Damn, I guess you are Sean Penn." Then I got a restraining order against Bill ?Murray, just to be safe. To be honest, at this point, Kansas was scaring me, so I headed back on my journey. Along the way I met two men named George and Lenny, and realized that I'd walked into the wrong Steinbeck work, and if I end up in tortuga flats, I'm going to be livid. Bad things happened to George and Lenny, if you don't know what, read Of Mice and Men, or see a performance of it. I'm sure someone is doing it, that or Death of a Salesman. Anyway, on to California, to assassinate governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, I think........ I actually forgot. Realizing the poor move of this, I headed the other direction, North, and went to Canada. I got stopped by a Mountie on the way there because, and get this, I WAS CARRYING A SNIPER RIFLE!! Apparently I didn't forget why I was going to California, with an aching in my heart. And i thought someone told me there was a girl out there with love in her eyes and a flower in her hair. And if you don't get that reference, forget it. Well, I handed over the rifle and feigned insanity. They bought it and had me sent to a Mental Institution in Toronto. I recently saw Batman Begins, nothing like that. And I also remember that Radio Free vestibule Skit. Nothing like that either. Actually, I'm still here, they won't let me out. Apparently I'm unfit for society, or something. Some other thing about a bribe by some Sean Penn to keep me there. At this point, not a good idea to correct the confusion. Damn that Bill Murray!!!!
by Lord Cornelius Tater
* There is no Ultra Smoothie in Kansas we are aware of. We apologize to Sean Penn and Bill Murray
Of Incompetence and Rare meetings with Venus
You are the
person to visit this site
by Yardrac
Tuesday June the 8 - YNN HQ: Ah, the Transit of Venus, an insignificant act that only happens twice in 150 years, and I miss it. Oh well, I don't think I could've seen it from YNN anyway, but anyway, on to the issues at hand. Due to the laziness/incompetence of the staff, we haven't had a real update in quite a while. But we're back, hopefully for an extended time period this time. Feel free to knock on wood anytime now. Right now it's down to Tater and myself, unless a deal I've been working on goes through. Maybe the masked duelist or Sam will turn in something, and maybe pigs will also fly. Until Tater figures out how to make this work, without paradoxing himself out of existence, or maybe even with paradoxing himself. I have to say I'm on the fence regarding his null existence, but I'm rambling. Apparently, Santini did something, because Saget's been off my back with the vampire garbage, so I guess I can go back to terrorizing the living in peace, through YNN, not vampirism. Hopefully Angela will post something, that'd be good for business, and maybe she'll keep going after that one too. Wishful thinking, I'm sure. Guess it's time to sign off on this issue
Guess What, me. Looks like Skoogfers is writing something this time. ?Some Op Ed piece
Click here to go to the home page
Behold the Recloglution!
by Leonard Skoogfers
Tuesday June 8 - Some place somewhere I know no one who views this page remembers me, but I was the old fashion and Music editor.  Since nothing I wrote has been posted, I transferred myself to the public event and op ed department. Oddly, this department before my change didn't even exist, so behold! The first ever article in the PEOE Department, my review of an obscure Madagascarian tradition, The Clogadrome. The Clogadrome was once a tribal ritual to gain prosperity in the coming winter season, but has ballooned to be the most clogtastic event ever. If you've never seen anyone clog, it's a sight to see, let me tell you.  The people are native Madagascarian warriors, who hunt........IN CLOGS! I have no idea how, but they do it with style I've never believed possible. Anyway, back to the festival at hand. This year was a special treat for clog lovers everywhere, as there were more performances than anywhere else in the world. Let me tell you, forget Michael Flatley and Riverdance, that's like sleep compared to this. To start off, there's a huge performance which was a mock hunt of a beast that I'm pretty sure may have been a real life Yeti. It was beautiful, artful yet savage. After the hunt, the food stands opened. No they were not open before, it's taboo to serve food on a hunt day before the hunt. I have no idea what it was that I ate, but it was good. Maybe it was yeti.... I should've asked. Anyway, after the visitors had their fill of native cuisine, the real fun begins: The Cloglympics. First event, Rock Clogging. Every competitor climbs on top of a boulder, and proceeds to clog for 3 minutes straight. After 2 minutes, melons are chucked in the direction of the boulder. No one fell off, not even once - these people are professionals. Towards nightfall, the true clog-fest starts, as every visitor is given a free pair of clogs, and it breaks down into a huge clog-filled tribal musical. All in all, I can't wait until next year. I think they're going to do West Side Story...........
Interesting, I think?
The Wonders of the Sahara as Seen by a Butterfly
By: Angela Aradove
Your newest and female-est writer
Tuesday June 8 - A Butterfly Garden Why hello there my fateful friends, and how wonderful it is to be here at YNN!  I recently joined the team and unlike my colleague Tater, I do NOT travel through time, however I do travel.  On the wings of a butterfly I once visited the sweltering deserts of the Sahara, no need to tell me they aren’t there anymore; I know this.  That’s why I said I ONCE visited, meaning it was a long time, but I’m rambling. I have a tendency to do that somewhat like Yardrac my good friend.  Anyways, you might ask, how did u ride on a butterfly?  They’re only a few inches large!  Well, you see its quite simple.  I convinced Rick Moranis of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids  to show me how to use the shrink ray, and VOILA I’m the size of a small insect.  The deserts were quite amusing until they up and disappeared out of nowhere.  They like to do that sometimes.  Similar to the staircases in Harry Potter that like to change directions.  You didn’t know that? Well now you do.  Anyways, as I was saying, I will be mostly be writing to tell you of all the beautiful places in the world you have yet to discover and probably never will. I’m just that special.  This is Angela Aradove signing off, until next time.  And remember, always be fashionably late whenever you possibly can, it makes for a good entrance.
Things are going to get very strange around here now. Someone is going to have to start working now