I fly

		...Fly
					Like no one has
			Flown
                    Before

Floating on water
      Like
				A BUG
  		          And
	I feel like nothing

			              COULD




        		Ever
	Amount
			To what
You mean to me…
			           H
			         G						And I still fly
			        I
			So H

				 it takes MY
              B
	  R
	   E
	   A
	  T
             H
			   A
A			    
 			   W		 A
	W
   		A       W	   A  	Y	 W
		
A	W	A	   Y		 A		W		Away
		A	W	A	 Y
	W
A

my head lays on my pillow
the room is dark and damp
(-- if I could only see your face
though I know that I can't)

I try to close my eyes and sleep
but your face haunts my dreams
(I feel like I've been torn apart...
I'm broken at the seams)

I  toss and turn; I'm restless
I know I will not sleep
(I know that I still think of you
do you still think of me?)

my eyes now face the darkness
the demon's haunting our lives
(it seems we had it all and more
why did you leave me; why?)

it seems the clock ticks slowly
and yet our love went by so fast
(where did I go wrong in this
to make this love not last?)

I sit up smooth, but slowly
I grip my sheets in my bare hands
(why did you have to leave me here?
I cannot understand...)

it seems the night is quiet
as I stand by my dark window
(you left with not a word to say
why did you have to go?)

the crickets dance like autumn
the night is lit like June
(I'm waiting for you to return;
are you returning soon?)

laying on my bed once more
I stare blankly ahead
(was this all you or was it me?
is our love truly dead?)

I feel like such an empty pleasure
like I could scream aloud this night
(was I just living in a dream?
was nothing really right?)

I watch the seconds pass me by
the silence fills my heart
(you know that I am fragile;
do you know I'm torn apart?)

a tear slides down my ghostly face
and falls onto my sheets
(were you just playing with my head
did you truly love me?)

I close my eyes so gently
as if I am afraid I'll break
(how did we lose the love we had?
was all the love a fake?)

the questions lull me into sleep
a sleep filled with your face
(I thought that I had melt your heart
which no one could replace?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up to a quiet morning
the world is still the same
(you were the best that that I had
and now I'm stuck with pain...)

my routine passes quickly by
not consciously awake
(it seems you are the only one
is all this a mistake?)

I feel like going back to bed
but your laugh lingers there
(you said that you would never leave
you said you'd always care)

my breakfast has no taste at all
the news is nothing new
(do you know that I'm hurting now
-- it's all because of you...)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

driving down a busy street
I skim the crowd for you
(you never even said goodbye
-- there's nothing I can do)

I take a turn off of my route
so that I'll pass your house
(it seems that you were just a cat
-- was I the stupid mouse?)

the numbers pass and yours is near
I speed up just a bit
(you must've known the plan so well
before you got into it...)

and impulse makes me turn abrupt
and I am at your home
(I never thought you'd leave me
-- why'd you leave me all alone?)

I noticed while I parked my car
that five cars sat as well
(did you even try to catch me
do you know I fell?)

with hesitation, I pull through
I walk right to your door
(could have told me what was wrong
do you love me no more?)

I ring the bell and wait for you
it seems I wait so long
(why did you never call me
what ON EARTH did I do wrong???)

the door opens so slowly
I hold my breath in deep
(did you ever even care?
was this make-believe?)

it isn't you who answers
but a woman with tears in her eyes
(were there things that I didn't know?
are there things you still hide?)

I ask to speak with you to her
but sadly she says no
(where'd you disappear to?
why'd you even have to go?)

I scrunch my face and ask her why
-- her answer breaks my heart
(did you ever care for me
you must've meant to break my heart...)

"I'm sorry, he has passed away,
He's been dead for a week..."
(was it true, was it all love?
was death why you left me?)

"...His wake and funeral have passed
his grave's a town away"
(will I never see your face?
not another word you'll say?)

"Did you know him well?" She asks
I nod  as tears fall down my face
(you always loved me... you always will
no one will EVER take your place...)

"I was his boyfriend
I've been torn apart
I thought he had left me
-- thought he'd broken my heart..."

She replied, "I know I shouldn't tell you
but I feel that I must
and if I tell you this little secret
will you betray my trust?"

I answered, "Oh, no, I never would do that
trust me with all your heart
I am better now, now that I know
he didn't mean to tear me apart..."

"Dear, he died alone.
-- His death was by suicide
he told no one about his plans
but suddenly took his own life."

I break down crying
the woman kneels down
(why did you do this?
-- I'd have helped you out!?)

with tears flowing down
the woman asks me my name
(without you, my love,
life will not be the same.)

"Stephen, my name is Stephen
I suppose you are his mother?"
(my soul has been broken badly
you'll be replaced by no other.)

"No, I am his aunt,
his mother's dead too
and if you're really Stephen
then he wrote this letter for you..."

I look at the manila envelope
unopened and so smooth...
(Oh, what is inside this death note
-- what have I made you do?)

I opened the letter
so delicate; so scared
(Oh! What have you written?
Just what is in there?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Stephen,

                                              Love,
                                                 *****

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I broke into tears as I read the death letter
I knew that it made nothing deep inside better
he was gone, and I knew that he'd never return
no matter how hard I may wish or I'd yearn.

and inside the smooth envelope
he left a lonely picture
his smiling face and his vibrant, blue eyes
(The Boy Who Took his Perfect Life)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never will forget you
I want to make sure THAT you know
all my love 'till in the ground
(I'll never let you go...)

we never had a chance in this
it seems our love is gone
who knew that we would never live
we've been doomed all along

i once had cherished our love
but now i miss it so
i didn't think we'd end this way
just wish you didn't go

in time i know i'll feel the pain
of being all alone
and in the chair i know i'll sit
i'll wait for you to phone

i know that it will never ring
-- aware it is no use
i know that even knowing that
i still will wait for you

i know i cannot bring you back
i never will succeed
there is no word in all the world
that would make you love me

and i'll look in the mirror
knowing that i am to blame
i never will forgive myself;
life will not be the same

your face is still etched in my head
i'm scared to let it go
cause if i let you slip away
i will be on my own

i don't know how to live without your tenderness and care
and even if i wish for you i know you won't appear

it seems like it's a nightmare
even though it's clearly real
and even though our love is sere
i cannot stop the way i feel

i wish that you could hear me
-- hear my crying late at night;
i wish that you would read this,
wish you'd see the things i write

i know i'm just a memory
a pigment in your head
to you we are not anything
all passion has been dead

but no matter how i wish it false
i know that it is true
it's dead; i must accept the fact
i never will have you

and somehow deep within my heart
i'll hold onto you still
i wish i could forget you
-- but i know i never will

break my broken heart in four
you felt you had to hurt me more
and thinking this is just a game
well now you'll learn it's not the same

and i found that dreams don't come true
crushed when i first love all of you
now a second time i'm killed
deep inside to feed your thrill

and so the clock ticks loud and clear
killing all that i hold dear
sleeping so your eyes are wide
screaming, running, surely you'll die

it hurts so bad for me to know
that you think that i'm just a joke
and after we all know it's true
you'll find i must let go of you

and what did you expect from me
that you'd play me for eternity
have two lives so far apart
yet make me believe that i had your whole heart

it's funny, the mistakes you made
now so clear, so crisp, so lame
you've taken the forbidden turn
from the road of joy to the road of burnt

and after we're all said and done
i  learn that this was never fun
but merely a waste of my time
even though i'll say i'm fine...
i'm not...
i'm burnt...

As I look I am drawn in
trying so hard to fit in
wishing for an easy way
that you would be all mine today

though in the end I may not win
it doesn't mean I should give in
so why not take a risk and try
we only live this single life

and it seems like a nightmare
played over again in my sleep
no matter how hard I poke or prod
the nightmare won't leave me

the nightmare's a world where you do not exist
I had a chance but took no risk
I thought of the end as I whispered goodbye
and you would be sitting right there by my side

but now that won't happen, I lost all I want
now in my nightmares these regrets will haunt
and there is nothing I can do
to make sure that I live with you

oh

if only you knew
if only you knew
the way that I feel deep inside towards you

oh

if only you knew
if only you knew
for the rest of your life you will not have a clue

if only life were nice enough
to try and cure this pain
lessen all these feelings so I do not go insane

if only in existance were there just one single map
that when I look it tells me where you've been and where you're at

and I wish I could speak softly to you
cause then my lips wouldn't have to be glued

and

as time wears on nothing will change
deep inside we'll be the same
me wishing a word, or even a kiss
but you standing there totally oblivious

my heart grows tired of waiting
I can't believe how much I'm taking
thinking about you every second I can
yet never going crazy and never taking a stand

oh

if only you knew
if only you knew
if only I just could go right up to you

surely my imagination runs free
I see the beach, the sand, the sea
us running together, hand in hand
laughing until we both no longer can

maybe I'll live in my mind
it seems so much easier that way

oh

if only you knew
if only you knew
though I'm sure you would just walk away

yes

I'm sure that you'd just walk away

i opened my eyes and you were gone
you claim you were not there at all
and you left me with no goodbye
and i cannot comprehend why

your words mean nothing, your actions reveal
the truth in your lies and the things that aren't real
it's twisted and distorted though it seems so clear to you
standing in the middle; i have no clue what to do

i want an explanation but i never want to know
it seems you have no worries, thinking that i care no more
the problem's you're the problem of which i just cannot rid
and then it seems the answer doesn't and never exists

if you were my lover i'd smile right now
but smiles never last long cause they're covered by our frowns
and as i fell, you faked me out
and let me hit the ground

it seems out love has quit for good
and tears that come just never should
i can only imagine how badly i'm screwed
cause i was so blind; i just had to have you

and i'm not sure who is to blame
either way i'm not the same
not sure if i'm broken or whole
maybe i'm empty cause my heart you stole

my calls are unanswered, my letters returned
and beside all the pain i'm still wanting you more
i could send you some email's but it is just a waste
running and running an imagined race

and so i see you're far ahead
our love now is hate instead
and now this race i see you've won
and standing i realized i've never begun

i'll be gone before it happens
before you take my soul
i'll never let you get me
that's not the way i'll choose to go

i'm destined for a life of good
i won't be put to rest
i someday will discover something
even if i'm not the best

do not try and put me down
you never will succeed
no matter lengths that you will go
you never will break me

it may be hard or easy
but those things i will have to take
it's not the past we have to change
but the future we must make

it's too bad if you hate me
i will not change the way i am
i'm here to make a difference
and i will do the best i can

i won't change your opinion
i won't distort the way i'm seen
i'm fine, the figure that i play
i don't care if they hate me

i love Madonna, i love tight jeans
i love to write and even read
i write too much and love to eat
and even dance when no one sees

i am not afraid to admit i am gay
it's kind of exhilarating in it's own special way

i love to shop, i love the mall
i am not scared to take the fall
i do not judge, i am not cold
i make mistakes that i don't hold...

you see what i have tried to say
i'm just secure living this way
and even if i'm ridiculed
i will just smile back at you...