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Old Writings &/Or Writings From Previous Websites The Defintion of LOVE
Love has many definitions. None of them are really
brilliant or striking, none of them exactly say or explain the feeling that
takes over you when love takes place. The definitions are exactly the opposite
of what the real thing portrays. The definition is just made of words. Love is
made of every emotion and basically everything but words. Love is such a
complicated feeling that when it takes over, you are virtually helpless and you
don't know what to do. Usually, this feeling doesn't happen to you often, or
after seeing someone for the millionth time. Usually love is at first sight,
though unrealized. Love is important to our society today.Without it, everyone
would feel lost and hopeless. Without it, everyone would just be alone and not
caring or helpful. My definition of love would have to be this...:
Love....
...Love
......Love....
LOVE:
The unendless and undying passion felt towards another
human being of
either sex that
cannot be altered
or changed, and
cannot be physically, emotionally, or
spiritually controlled.
That is my defintion of love. I am sticking by it, no
matter what happens. I myself have gone through struggles to change it because I
thought that being gay was bad. I learned different and have accepted it. I am
not just here to tell everyone I am gay. But I am here to tell everyone here
that being gay is not a bad thing. Mostly because everyone I know has their own
feelings about the subject/topic, and partly because my father had tried to
teach me that homosexuality is a bad thing. He, as well as my religion teacher,
told me that being homosexual is not a sin, but the act of homosexuality itself
is a sin. They both told me to practice abstinence. I would
loved to have told them both to screw-off, but I am not that mean. I merely just
didn't believe them because I knew that I could control the feelings and
emotions that took place inside, just like you can't control what you look like
without getting surgery. It's just there. It's done. You are who you are and you
yourself can physically, emotionally, or spiritually do NOTHING about it.
Thats why I am not listening to my dad OR my religion teacher, because mostly
all that they told me is bull*crap*. Now, I am not bragging about the fact that I
am gay, I am merely [i never did] going to give this to my parents to explain to them why I am
gay and why theres absolutly nothing wrong with it.
The Peregrination
I wonder as I lay asleep, when this dreary and heart-wrenching lonliness will end. A never ending labyrinth of darkness swooping through this pitchblack tunnel and enveloping me, almost sucking my whole being and existence into a vacuum and erasing me as if I were never here. I even wonder if anyone would miss me if I were gone. I know that's a stupid question but every normal person has asked that to themselves before, and every abnormal person asks that question on a regular basis. I wonder what makes me so depressed, so emo. I wonder if it's in my DNA, if it's a dominant trait that I recieved from my birth-mother. I wonder how come I couldn't just live happily this whole life. Not knowing what sad is. not even mentioning the word or aware of it's existence. I just want to forget these things that I lag on for hours and hours each day, and... just be careless. It seems so easy, so simple and yet... when you try to be happy, someone says something that either makes you break down and cry or just puts you in this emotional state which you can't get out of. Or kind of like me whereas I get emo at 9:00. Well, I think. But I guess I never really am not emo when i'm alone. I guess I am kind of aloneophobic, never wanting to be alone cause I think that it means no one likes me. I swear that people just feel obligated to be my friend, even if they are or aren't my friend. People just don't seem to understand what they mean to me and how much they mean to me. Or maybe I could consider that the reason why by chance people like me. Cause they know how desperate I am to have a friend and that somehow I make them feel guilty. I hate guilt, I hate lots of things... too many things. Ugh, I hate how much I hate things. It's so annoying yet it's kind of like a part of me, the word just comes right out of my mouth or right down on paper, me not even acute to the words that I use, I just use them. Anyway, it just feels like in this world, I mean nothing, I meant nothing, i'll always mean nothing, and even in a desperate perigrination my attempts will get me nowhere cause I will always mean absolutly nothing.
FREY:
God of earth's fertility, peace, and prosperityFRAY:
A noisy fight; (To Cause) Friction
I find it really odd, how words that are so similar can be the exact opposite in meaning. How Frey can influence peace, and how Fray can point out scuffles and arguments. It's horrible how it seems that all we want is peace, but how bigoted and biased this world is, how we have never actually tried putting our differences aside and focusing on what makes us all equal. Sounds corny, almost utopian, but... sometimes, it's good to have wishes. But, as Lindsay Lohan says in FASTLANE (A Little More Persoal: Raw):
Don't Wish Upon a Star
'Cause a Star Can Only Get You So Far
What it means to me is that you shouldn't wish for things you know won't come true because in the end, you'll only end up getting hurt.
That's usually what I do. I don't expect things, like presents, from family members. I taught myself not to want anything from anyone, but to appreciate al that I give. Now, I admit, I really have some problems whereas I expect to much of people. But, well, that's life in general. I only taught myself not to expect any christmas presents...
Confused??? Well, lemme just summaraize what I just said. What I basically just said is that you appreciate things more when you don't wait for or expect them. Things like presents, if you expect a present from someone and they don't give you one, you'll be angry and you will be disappointed. If you don't even care, you think about it but you won't fret over it if you don't get one, you will deal with not recieving one much better. I hope that I clarified what I had said just a little bit more. If you are still very confused, feel free to email me.
Anyway, back to what I was saying...
Phone Tag With Two Tageess and No Tagger...
Love sometimes seems as if you would be so much better off without it. It brings along pain, lonlineess, disencouragement... It's, as I have probably already said somewhere in this paragraph or somewhere in one of my poems, not worth getting when you have to give more than you'll ever recieve. It seems that in recent relationships, I give so much and get nothing in return.. and that is in mostly friendly relationships merely with my peers. Love relationships are much different, so much more complex. But, I know how bad I need these friends, but then when I think about it. They've created more pain and suffering for me that I wonder why in the world I desperatly need them to go on. It seems as if I need to be accepted by the people that I like and hate in order to improve my self-esteem. No matter what I say, I know that I have a low self-esteem. And each minute my self-esteem gets lower as the house phone remains silent. I don't feel that calling people is worth it because it means that they don't care for you. It means that they are too busy to bother with you. So, sitting by the phone, literally, it's silent. I don't know if it's just a mere cycle where one person doesn't want to call another person because they want to see if they care for them, and the other person doesn't want to call the person for the same reason. Therefore, in conclusion of that, they both end up hating eachother because they both think the other hates them because neither of them calls the other because, unknown to the two, they are both sitting by the phone waiting for the other person to call. I don't know if you followed that, the way I explained it was a little more complex than it really is. Basically, nothing gets done.
unt me. And, a lot of the time it does. I lose days of sleep. I can't say that I lose any sleep over it because I'm not sleeping anyway so technically there is no sleep that i've lost. And, it's more painful then ever. Laying on the bed staring at a blank ceiling. Thinking, knowing that there's nothing you can do, no chance for redemption. It really seems like its the end of the world. And a lot of the times I still think that. I still believe that no matter how many times I redid it, I would still mess up. I can't give any examples right now, cause I never did say that it's possible to get over them. But they happen to me a lot. I feel lost inside, hopeless. Well, not that that's different than usual but... I can't help but think that anywhere I go I am a trouble, and that it would be more use for me not to be there than to be there.
Wrong Wrong Wrong
Somethings always wrong. Words you said, actions you used, looks you gave... something. Somehow, in this life, you always seem to lose. It's impossible to win. It seems horrible, yet inevitable. No matter how many times you may wish to take something back, you can't. Even if the person or thing you said it to forgives you, it's still there. A mysterious presence lingering in the air seemingly wherever you go. It's horrible, how long a time you think of whether or not you said something wrong, and it just keeps nagging at you, nagging at you. Playing it over and over and over in your head. Different scenarios, different outcomes. It's just... emotionally unbearable. And, when love or hate is involved, it becomes that much more painful. Kelly Clarkson's song, "I Hate Myself For Losing You" says it perfectly. "What do you do when you look in the mirror and staring at you is why he's not here." I think like that a lot. Saying to myself that I blew it, I said the wrong thing and that it is going to come back to haunt me.
Which Way am I Falling??
Right now it feels like I'm falling in a pit of lonliness and it feels like time is going slow and too fast at the same time. I don't know what I am doing, I just do it and get it over with. On the outside, time speeds by; I get things done, I get together with a couple of friends, someone calls me on the phone and I formally answer it. Yet on the inside all I'm thinking is about falling. Falling off a cliff to my death, falling in love and falling down a pit and being there left to dry because that's what I feel love is doing to me, and falling down, collapsing on the ground and never getting up. I feel so tired and worn sometimes, it almost seems like it's not worth it to try to continue this journey that is more painful than exhilarating. It's definitly not worth it. I don't understand why things are just so... horrible. I feel like I'm becoming cold. Just, not caring about anyone or anything. I feel as if that's what people do to me; they just ignore me, put the pain of mine inside and focus on their own celebrations or joyousness. It feels like what I do is I soak up other peoples pain and try to make their pain go away and I take it as my own. Of course, it's a little far-fetched but that's how it feels. Now I want people to feel pain. I want the to know what pain is so they can feel what I'm going through. But it seems as if no one could ever know what I'm going through. No one could care either, and nobody is considerate enough to want to listen. For free, not for money. And so I'm still falling. I'm not sure where or how I'm falling, or if I'm falling off a cliff to my death, collapsing onto the ground meeting death, falling into a pit impossibly waiting for love to save me, or falling in love in general. I don't know, and I don't really know or care if I want to know. I can say that I am desperate for something or someone, or the opposite. It's horrible how I wish that things could be better, but then things take that twist and when you finally almost get better someone complains about how bad it is for them or someone else, or someone is angry at you, and it drops you right back into the same old misery. Maybe it's unending. Maybe it's repetitive. Maybe we, or i, will never know.
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