A true Yooper enjoys a good laugh even if it is at our
own expense.
The local news media is reporting: "Northern Michigan's worst air disaster occurred today when a Cessna 152, a small 2 seater plane, crashed into a Church cemetery here early this morning. Ole and Sven, working as a search and rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening."
After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high- tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The Escanaba Press a local newspaper in Upper Michigan, reported the following: After digging over 300 feet in his pasture, Ole Olson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he'd found absolutely nothing.
Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Upper Michigan had already gone wireless.
Who said YOOPERS were years behind?
WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Punta Gorda, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents. 'They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?' There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.' The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?' 'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.' Wow!!!! That's quite a story, says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?' The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired finlanders from the UP of Michigan. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
OLE and SVEN Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you? Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Meeshigan, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer da chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.' The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Meeshigan, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere in Meeshigan, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, chooks, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Lions yust von da Super Bowl.'
Two Duck Hunters from Wisconsin ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, And the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high Rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then """"""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with....."I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...
Newspaper item from Wisconsin...
THE CREATION OF MICHIGAN
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth,"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor;the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Michigan, the most glorious place on earth. You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, the Hand of God. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Michigan are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed," What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Ohio, Indiana,Wisconsin and Canada."
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're all Yoopers. They're still too cold and wet to burn." Day of Judgment!
A brigade of Iraqi soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Yooper from Michigan is better than ten Iraqis." One Yooper is better than ten Iraqis"
The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence.
The voice once again calls out "One Yooper from Michigan is better than ten Iraqis."
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence.
The Rebel voice calls out again "One Yooper from Michigan is better than ten Iraqis."
The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...... it's a trap.
There are two of them.
You Know You Are A True Michigander (Yooper) When:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 2. "Vacation" means going down south past Petosky or Green Bay for the weekend. 3. You measure distance in hours. 4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once! 5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again. 6. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching. 8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events. 9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison. 11. You carry jumper cables in your car & your girlfriend knows how to use them. 12. There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot at Menard's at any given time. 13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 15. You refer to the Wolverines as "we." 16. You know! All 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 17. You can identify an Ohio and Wisconsin accent. 18. You have no problem spelling Escanaba. 19. You consider the lower Peninsula exotic. ya hey! 20. You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Stroh's. 21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce. 22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 23. Down south to you means south of Da bridge, the deep south is south of Detroit. 24. A brat is something you eat. 25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed. 26. You go out to fish fry every Friday at the Elks, Moose or VFW. 27. You know how to polka. 28. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 29. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 30. Ya actch'lly understand dese jokes, & den you forward dem to all yer Michigander friends.Pet Fish
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, What?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted. "Call who back?" The man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?" The man asked.
The Golden Phone
A Canadian decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about famous American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Portland, Maine, thinking that he would work his way across the country from east to west. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call." The Canadian, intrigued, asked a pastor who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The pastor replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The Canadian thanked the pastor and went along his way. Next stop was in Concord, New Hampshire. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Portland and he asked a nearby nun what it's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the Canadian. He then traveled to Montpelier, Albany, Columbus, Detroit, and Chicago, and in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. Finally, the Canadian arrived in Paradise Michigan, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The Canadian was surprised so he asked the clergyman about the sign. "Pastor, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the other states the price per call was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The pastor smiled and answered, "You're in The Upper Peninsula, son. It's a local call."
Ven Two Yoopers Meet Oop Nort On Da Lake Fichen! "Haydair." "Lobuddy" "Benearlong?" "Coplhours." "Crieps, cetchenenny?" "Yepgoddafew" "Vairdaybitn?" "Oberdair" "Kindarday?" "Valleyeennordern." "Ennysiztooum?" "Cuplapowns." "Oofda, bitenard?" "yanohowdeyar." "Vahchayoozin? Dalindyrik?" "Ohyeahdonchano." "Fichenondaboddum?" "Rydoopneardaboddum." "Howdeeperya?" "Bouttvenyfeet." "Oh, Vachadrinkin?" "Hadacouplabeers." "Velligoddago." "Tubad." "Seeyaround." "Yeahtakideeze." "Guluk." "Yoobetcha." Da Ent!!! IF YOU WERE ABLE TO READ THIS YOU ARE A TRUE YOOPER! (How did you do??!!) Thanks for the joke Dar!! I could read every line. Yeahtakideeze yano
You know you're a yOOper when:
- You own only three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup
- You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit
- You have more miles on your snow machine than your car
- You have at least 10 favorite recipes for venison
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled
with snow
- You think everyone from the city has an accent
- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie
with only 8 buttons
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
- The local paper covers national and international
headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports
- Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof
- You think the start of deer hunting season is a national
holiday
- Summer takes place the second week of July (and it still
rains!!)
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper
- You find -20F a little chilly
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
- You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest
jewelry and your snowmobile boots
- Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout
- You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter,
and Construction.
- The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus
- You drink "Vernors" and play "Euchre"
- You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your
Michigan friends
Lempi took a job with Moyle Construction to paint lines on US41.
The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed.
The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little
disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet. The boss
sat him down and said," Lempi, how come you paint ten miles the
first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?".
Lempi replied, "Well, ya see boss, each day I git farder and farder
from da darn paint can".
Teemu and Eino were driving their pickup truck to Michigammee.
When they got to the traffic light in Negaunee, Teemu drove right
through the red light. Eino cried, "Holywha, Teemu, what are you
doing?" Teemu kept driving and replied, "Don't worry, my brother
taught me to drive". When they got to the light in Ishpeming,
Teemu drove through another red light. Eino asked, "Why do you
keep runnin' dem red lights?". Teemu said, "Don't worry, my brother, he
taught me ta drive". When they got to the light in West
Ishpeming, Teemu slammed on the brakes and screeched to a halt at
a green light. Eino asked, "Teemu, why do you drive through red
lights but stop at green lights?". Teemu replied, "My brother
might be coming da other way".
Eino and Toivo were roofing their new deer camp out in Mass City.
Every now and then Eino would take one of the nails and throw it
to the ground. Toivo finally asked, "Hey Eino, what are you doing
dat for?". Eino replied,"Some of these nails have da heads on the
wrong side, so I am throwing dem away." Toivo chuckled and said,
"Eino you dumb sitt! Dose nails are for da otter side of da
house".
Toivo was at the bar in Baraga drinking a Stroh's and watchin the
Packers on the television when a big tall rancher from Texas came
strolling in. The Texan started drinking and bragging to Toivo
about how much money he made and how many head of cattle he
owned. He said to Toivo in a loud voice, "I can drive all day and
never reach the end of my property!". Toivo replied, "Yah, I got
a pickup like dat too, mister."
Eino and Toivo were driving down US 2 to Manistique when they saw
a man selling pumpkins on the side of the road for one dollar
each. Eino looked at Toivo and said, "Ya know, we could buy dose
pumpkins and resell them and make some money". Toivo replied,
"Yah, dat is a great idea!". So they stopped at the pumpkin stand
and bought 100 of them. They paid the man $100 and drove down the
road a few miles. They parked on the side of the road and put up
a sign that read, "Pumpkins For Sale 1 Dollar each!". Throughout
the day they had many customers, and when they started running
out of pumpkins, Eino looked at Toivo and said, "Dis doesn't make
much sense, Toivo. We are not making much money here." Toivo
replied, "Yah, I know. We need to get a bigger pickup."
Eino was coming out of Pickleman's Pantry in Newberry carrying a
bag of pasties. Toivo was getting gas and saw him with the bag.
"Hey, Eino. If I guess how many pasties you have in dat bag, can
I have one?" Eino replied, "If you can guess how many I have,
I'll give you both of them." Toivo answered, "Holywha! Okay, I
think you have five of them."
'TWAS DA NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAN IN DIS FINNISH HOUSE
AND NUTTIN VAS STIRRIN' - NOT EVEN DA MOUSE
DA REST OF DA FAMILY VAS ALL FAST ASLEEP
WIT VISIONS OF PASTIES DELIVERED BY JEEP
DA VORKBOOTS VAS HUNG BY DA CHIMBLEY WIT CARE
IN HOPES DAT ST. NIKKULA SOON VOULD BE DERE
AND IN DA FAR CORNER VAS LOVELY TO SEE
DA STROH'S CANS AND CABBAGE DAT HUNG FRON DA TREE
MA HOME FROM DA EMPIRE AND ME OUTTA YAIL
HAD YUST HIT DA HAY FOR SOME PRE-CHRISTMAN TAIL
DEN ALL OF A SUDDEN DA HOUSE START'S TO SHUDDER
SOME NUT'S ON DA ROOF AND HE'S BROKE DA RAIN GUTTER
HE YUMPS DOWN DA CHIMBLEY AND SWEARS CAUSE IT'S TIGHT
AS I HIDE BEHIND BEER CASES, WAY OUTTA SIGHT
HE LANDS IN DA FIREBLACE SCORCHING HIS HAIR
ON AHE CLIMBS OUT DA FIREBLACE AND I TAKE A LOOK
HE'S YUST LIKE DEY SHOW HIM IN MY COLORING BOOK
WIT VODKA-GLAZED EYES AND DA STOMACH LIKE A BUBBLE
A FIVE-DAY-OLD BEARD AND DERE'S SOOT ON DA STUBBLE
HIS TEETH WHEN HE SMILE LOOK LIKE GRAMPA'S SWEDE SAW
HE WEARS TENNIS SHOES BIG AS GRIZZLY BEAR'S PAW
DIS OLD FINNISH ELF GIVES ME NUTTIN TO FEAR
VEN HE HEADS FOR DA KITCHEN FOR COOKIES AND BEER !
HE KILLS OFF A SIX-PACK DEN BELCHES AND SMIRKS
DEN REACHES IN 'TATO SACK, READY TO VORK
NOW UNDER DA TREE HE IS STARTIN' TO SET
DA MOST BEAUTIFUL PRESENTS US FINLANDERS GET
DERE'S NEW PASTY-MATIC, A SHOVEL FOR BRUDDER
A JONSEREDS CHAIN-SAW, A PICK-AXE FOR MUDDER
SOME MUD FLAPS AND CB FOR MY NEW 4-WHEELER,
A HELMET AND NIGHT SHIRT DAT SAY "PITTSBURGH STEELERS"
HE CLOSES DA SACK AND YUMPS BACK IN DA COALS
AND HOLLERING, "YOUCH!" UP DA CHIMBLEY HE ROSE
HE GRUNTED AND GROUSED AS HE TOSSED OUT HIS BAG
AND CRACKED SUCH A BEER FART I'M STARTIN' TO GAG!
I MUST WATCH HIM LEAVE, SO I RUSHES OUTSIDE
AND LOOKS UP DA ROOF WHILE IN BUSHES I HIDE
AND VAT DOES I SEE VEN I LOOKS TRU DA TVIGS ?
BUT DIS OLD VOODEN GARBAGE-CART PULLED BY EIGHT PIGS !
SANTALA YUMP IN AND GIV 'EM ALL HELL :
"LET'S GO ALL YOUSE PIGS, DON'T JUST SIT DERE AND SMELL !
ON EINO ! ON TALSTO ! ON LEMPPI ! ONE JOE !
AMD ALLA YOUSE UDDERS WHAT NAMES I DUNNO !"
"FLY OVER NEGAUNEE AND TURN TO DA RIGHT
WE'LL MAKE HOUGHTON/HANDCOCK BEFORE I GET TIGHT !"
DA PIGS OINKED AND SQUEALED AS DEY VENT ON DERE VAY
NO VUNDER HE NEVER SHOWS UP CHRISTMAN DAY
Da Yooper Creation Story
