Sit
back and get ready for a truly unique experience.
A
journey of discovery that will leave you informed and possibly ashamed.
It
won't hurt much.
But
it could leave you with a new outlook on truckers.
Greetings,
and welcome to Truckers' Hell.
This
will serve as a guide to the proper operational procedures required of a
four-wheeler, when in the immediate vicinity of a truck. This is by no means a
complete list, but rather a beginner’s course.
For
an advanced course you are required to buy a truck and hit the road.
There
you will learn things that I could not begin to describe in this limited space.
But
for now, sit back, take a deep breath
You
come to a stop sign at an intersection of a major highway.
You
stop,
You
look right,
You
look left,
You
see a truck coming fast from your left.
Be
sure that you wait till you can see his face clearly before you turn in front of
him.
This
way you will be able to see the look of terror on his face in your mirror.
Don't
worry about getting hit; everybody knows that trucks have good brakes.
You
are entering the on ramp to a major freeway, traffic is moving along at a good
pace.
You
notice a truck coming in the slow lane, and knowing how considerate truckers
are, you decide to merge in front of him. You put on your left blinker to get
his attention, and speed up till you are in front of him.
Now
that he has slowed down to let you in, slow down till you are even with him, and
continue to do so until you both are going about 20 miles per hour.
Now
look in your mirror to see the happy face of a trucker who is so glad that he
got the chance to be kind to someone, and merge in.
There
is now plenty of room for you to do so safely.
You
are traveling on a divided highway at just below the speed limit for trucks.
A
truck has been slowly gaining on you, and is finally overtaking your car.
Just
when he gets his trailer tires even with your door, speed up to maintain your
position.
Whatever
you do don't allow him to pass you completely, as that would mean that you would
have to follow.
Just
stay there until he finally slows down to get behind you. Then be sure to check
your mirror for that pleasant smile that will tell you that you just made his
day.
Now
don't forget to return to your previous speed.
You
pull up to a stop sign at the intersection of a two-lane road.
You
look to your right and notice nothing coming, but to the left is a big truck
coming about a quarter of a mile away. You decide that there is more than enough
time to turn right.
But
maybe not.
Well,
maybe so.
To
go, or not.
Well
why not.
You
put on your blinker, and slowly pull out in front of the truck.
A
half-mile down the road, put on your right blinker and turn into the neighbor's
driveway.
Look
that trucker is waving at you.
He
must be awfully tired; he could only get one finger up to wave.
Don't
forget to wave back.
The
road seems clear, shall we proceed?
You
are traveling down the highway, when you come up behind a big truck.
You're
in no particular hurry, so you decide to stay behind him.
If
you get close enough you won't have to watch for traffic, just tail lights.
Pull
up about one car length from his bumper.
Don't
get back too far, as someone may get in front of you.
Now
just sit back and relax.
You've
got nothing to watch for, nothing to do but cruise.
No
time to rest now, let's keep going.
There
you are, just minding your own business, following that truck, about 20 feet
back, when all of a sudden your window gets a crack from a rock.
The
best thing to do now is to get the truck to stop so he can pay you for the
damage.
Pull
around him and slam on your brakes, so he knows that you want him to stop.
If
he tries to go around you, he must have not understood your meaning.
Truckers
aren't very smart, you know.
Just
speed up so he has to get behind you again, and then slam on the brakes again.
Pretty
soon he will get the idea. And boy, will he be glad that you let him know that
he broke your window.
When
you get that window replaced, let's head on down the road.
You're
coming to a stop sign, behind a truck.
There
is a nice wide shoulder to the right of that truck, and everybody knows that
trucks take forever to turn.
Why
not pull up beside him on that shoulder, and make your turn while he's just
sitting there.
Calm
down, there's plenty of time to get to the rest. Take a deep breath and let's
move on.
There
are a few things that I believe deserve mentioning which don't exactly qualify
as part of Truckers’ Hell. Still they do need to be put up for consideration.
They
are not in any particular order, so don't think I'm playing favorites. It's just
that I have not had time to consider the position to which each should be
assigned.
My
list is as follows:
·
Children
who want you to blow your air horn, while in heavy traffic
·
Small
towns with stores, cafes, and such; but no room to park a truck
·
People
who won't back up or move over from the left turn lane, to let you make a tight
turn to the right
·
The
fact that a truck must stop to be weighed and inspected, while a 20 year old
station wagon; loaded with lumber, riding on mismatched, bald tires, and smoking
from the tail pipe goes on down the road
·
Having
to pass a physical every year, while 80 year old deaf, half blind, highly
medicated people get a license renewal in the mail for four more years
·
People
with a 2000 watt cb base station, and no friends to talk with, so they get on
channel 19 and start S___
·
Dark
windows
·
Getting
blocked in at a truck stop
·
Radio
stations that play songs you never hear anymore, but they only get out 20 miles
·
Highways
with different speed limits for cars and trucks
·
Truckers
who tailgate
Well
there is one thing I just don’t understand. Why does the law make me carry a
fire extinguisher? It's not their truck, what do they care if it burns up? Cars
burn up too but they don't have extinguishers, now do they? And while I'm at it
why don't cars have to carry spare light bulbs? And why is it perfectly legal
for a car to have a radar detector, but not a truck?
If
cars were subjected to all the one sided laws that trucks are, there would not
be a phone line in Washington that was not busy from complaints.
Anyway,
you're almost done. Just a little more.
The
back gets sore, the eyes get red
The
knees feel like they're broken
You
get so bored, sometimes you think
It's
time you took up smoking
Your
mind has gone a million miles
But
you've only gone a few
The
road looks like it did last week
The
last time you passed through
You've
chased that stripe, so long it seems
There's
nothing new to see
You've
been so many places
There's
no place new to be
You've
gone through, more sets of tires
Than
most folks use in their life
You're
in your third truck, since you started
You're
past your second wife
You
were there when that truck stop waitress got married
There
in the dining room
But
you missed your son's, first homerun
When
was that again, last June?
You
saw the president's motorcade
When
it went by in D.C.
But
you weren’t there, the day your daughter
Fell
out of that tree
The
years went by, and you got older
Too
old to learn a new trade
It
seems life dealt you a sorry hand
But
that's the hand that you played
And
now it seems, that you've lost everything
That
you ever had, but that truck
But
it's yours, and it's running, and I guess that's something
So
maybe you still have some luck
WAYOUTWALLY
Well
there you have it, a day in Truckers' Hell
I
know it seems like a trucker should be more understanding of the poor little
four-wheeler, but day after day it's the same old thing.
Some
days it seems it just might not be worth the trouble any more.
But
the road is an addictive little "drug".
So
on we drive.
Trying
our best to make another day without killing someone.
Praying
that nobody causes us to kill ourselves.
Just
following that stripe down the road to retirement.
When
we can buy a motor home, and drive down the road to old age.