Listen to the
plane walls with a stethoscope.
while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,
dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first
seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout
Beat out bongo rifts on
Unzip your jumpsuit part
way, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in
One word: Flatulence!
Frown and mutter "gotta
go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Show other passengers a
wound and ask if it looks infected.
Holler "Chutes away!"
whenever the plane hits turbulence.
Walk on with a cooler
that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another
passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!"
and move to the far corner of the plane.
Ask each passenger
getting on if you can pull their silver handle for them.
Wear a puppet on your
hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Look around and ask "is
that your dytter?"
Say "Announcing the Xth
Floor!" each 1000'.
Blow your nose and offer
to show the contents of your kleenex to other
Draw a little square on
the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers
that this is your "personal space."
Ask the jumper next to
you, "If you burn in into a forest, does it make a sound?".
Take a bite of a sandwich
and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Announce in a demonic
voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Make explosion noises.
Stare at your thumb and
say "I think it's getting larger."
Sing "Row, Row, Row Your
Boat" or "99 bottles of beer on the wall" in round.
After everyone has taken
off their seatbelts, connect mismatching pairs in
consideration of the next load.
Ask about the in-flight
beverage choices, meal, and inflight movie.
Insist that you were told
a meal would be served when you purchased your ticket.
When jump run is
announced, stand up and yell: "But I paid for a round trip
Play "enie, menie, miny, moe" while pointing the shiny silver handles of nearby
Hum Gregorian chants.
When someone is spotting,
point toward the horizon and innocently ask "Is that
Moan, clutch your
stomach, mutter "Oh damn, not motion sickness now." Then ask
your neighbor if you can borrow his Factory Diver.
When boarding the plane
ask if you can have emergency row seating.
Cough then mutter "Don't
worry the doctor said it can only be spread through physical
Pretend to pick lice out
of your neighbors hair then eat them.
Theorize (incorrectly) on
why airplanes and square parachutes actually fly.
Bow down and grovel
before the local skygod.
Play rock, paper,
scissors - if no one will join you, play against yourself
using both hands.
Hand out labels that say
"Plan B - Part 1" and "Plan B - Part 2" for everyone's
cutaway and reserve handles.
Have the other jumpers
get the attention of the jumper furthest from you then wave
and smile broadly.
Turn to a student and say
"Don't worry, the engine sounds _much_ better than it did
Say to the jumper across
from you, "All is in readiness, Comrade. This time we cannot
Pick your nose and then
hold your finger up to another jumper and ask,
Tell the jumper next to
you that skydiving is nothing compared the time when you
were pinned down under a deadly hail of enemy fire.
Speak into your altimeter
then hold it to your ear and nod your head.
Ask the other passengers
in a thick German accent for their tickets.
Shift around as you sit
and announce that thongs are overrated.
Talk about the parachute
equipment you saw on the Home Shopping Channel.
Sing "Rawhide" as the
plane accelerates to takeoff.
Start a petition
demanding more altitude.
Repetitively ask, "Are we
Tap furtively on the
bulkhead and mutter, "Now where's that secret panel?"
Try to hypnotize the
jumper across from you.
After you put your
goggles on, act surprised, and say hello to the person
across from you.
Give the jumper next to
you a "Wet-Willy".
When the pilot announces
jump-run advise the other jumpers to return their seats and
tray tables to the full upright and locked position.
Bring your own joystick
and pretend you're flying the plane.
Move your helmet past
your neighbor's head and announce, "The Deathstar has
cleared the planet".
Solve quadratic equations
10 Skydiving Things NOT To Say In A Whuffo Bar
- I was almost in when she
dumped in my face."
- "Can you hurry up and
- "I was stuck in the
rear-end of an Otter all damned afternoon!"
- "I reached and grabbed
my pud, gave it a good hard yank... and
- "I packed the sweet
opening that guy had."
- "I spent the whole
weekend getting in and out of that Beaver."
- "Everything was fine
until my girlfriend went low on the 8-way."
- "I was the first one
in when we were doing the horny gorilla."
- "There I was, head
down in the middle of a three-way with two other
- "This girl took me
out, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get
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Claudia Broneck Crandall firstname.lastname@example.org