NEWTop 10 Skydiving Things NOT To Say In A Whuffo Bar

Listen to the plane walls with a stethoscope.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

Beat out bongo rifts on your helmet.

Unzip your jumpsuit part way, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

One word: Flatulence!

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the plane hits turbulence.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the plane.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can pull their silver handle for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Look around and ask "is that your dytter?"

Say "Announcing the Xth Floor!" each 1000'.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Ask the jumper next to you, "If you burn in into a forest, does it make a sound?".

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Make explosion noises.

Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

Sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" or "99 bottles of beer on the wall" in round.

After everyone has taken off their seatbelts, connect mismatching pairs in consideration of the next load.

Ask about the in-flight beverage choices, meal, and inflight movie.

Insist that you were told a meal would be served when you purchased your ticket.

When jump run is announced, stand up and yell: "But I paid for a round trip ticket!"

Play "enie, menie, miny, moe" while pointing the shiny silver handles of nearby jumpers.

Hum Gregorian chants.

When someone is spotting, point toward the horizon and innocently ask "Is that Mexico?"

Moan, clutch your stomach, mutter "Oh damn, not motion sickness now." Then ask your neighbor if you can borrow his Factory Diver.

When boarding the plane ask if you can have emergency row seating.

Cough then mutter "Don't worry the doctor said it can only be spread through physical contact."

Pretend to pick lice out of your neighbors hair then eat them.

Theorize (incorrectly) on why airplanes and square parachutes actually fly.

Bow down and grovel before the local skygod.

Play rock, paper, scissors - if no one will join you, play against yourself using both hands.

Hand out labels that say "Plan B - Part 1" and "Plan B - Part 2" for everyone's cutaway and reserve handles.

Have the other jumpers get the attention of the jumper furthest from you then wave and smile broadly.

Turn to a student and say "Don't worry, the engine sounds _much_ better than it did yesterday."

Sing "Edelweiss".

Say to the jumper across from you, "All is in readiness, Comrade. This time we cannot fail!"

Pick your nose and then hold your finger up to another jumper and ask, "Booger?".

Tell the jumper next to you that skydiving is nothing compared the time when you were pinned down under a deadly hail of enemy fire.

Speak into your altimeter then hold it to your ear and nod your head.

Ask the other passengers in a thick German accent for their tickets.

Shift around as you sit and announce that thongs are overrated.

Talk about the parachute equipment you saw on the Home Shopping Channel.

Sing "Rawhide" as the plane accelerates to takeoff.

Start a petition demanding more altitude.

Repetitively ask, "Are we there yet?"

Tap furtively on the bulkhead and mutter, "Now where's that secret panel?"

Try to hypnotize the jumper across from you.

After you put your goggles on, act surprised, and say hello to the person across from you.

Give the jumper next to you a "Wet-Willy".

When the pilot announces jump-run advise the other jumpers to return their seats and tray tables to the full upright and locked position.

Bring your own joystick and pretend you're flying the plane.

Move your helmet past your neighbor's head and announce, "The Deathstar has cleared the planet".

Solve quadratic equations aloud.

 

Top 10 Skydiving Things NOT To Say In A Whuffo Bar
  1. I was almost in when she dumped in my face."
  2. "Can you hurry up and pack me?"
  3. "I was stuck in the rear-end of an Otter all damned afternoon!"
  4. "I reached and grabbed my pud, gave it a good hard yank... and
    nothing happened."
  5. "I packed the sweet opening that guy had."
  6. "I spent the whole weekend getting in and out of that Beaver."
  7. "Everything was fine until my girlfriend went low on the 8-way."
  8. "I was the first one in when we were doing the horny gorilla."
  9. "There I was, head down in the middle of a three-way with two other
    guys..."
  10. "This girl took me out, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get
    back up!"

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