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| PY: Welcome back to another exciting Yoshi Stadium battle, everyone! As always, I’m Pirate Yoshi, your head commentator for these matches, and joining me again is my co-host, Slow Joe Crow! SC: Good evening, everyone! PY: Today’s match, beloved fans, is one of adorable children, going head to head in playground-like warfare. Awwww, how cute... SC: But don’t let their tiny sizes and young ages fool you, folks; these are some pretty nasty little devils, and they definitely aren’t strangers to the world of pain! PY: ...or putting people in the world of pain. SC: Our match today will be of the standard variety (for a change), and will be taking place in Subcon, a land of dreams that none of these kids will remember...except maybe Baby Mario... PY: And our referee today will be a native of the land, Birdo, who was going to be on vacation here anyway. We’re not fooling around with time today, folks! Birdo gives the signal, and we’re off like a bat out of...a place bats don’t want to be in.... SC: Wait, wait, hold it! Stop the fight! PY: What is it, Joe? SC: Well, Pirate, we can’t have little kids fighting and making war and stuff! PY: Better than little kids kissing and making love, agreed? SC: That’s beside the point...and gross! My point is, it’s one thing to have gorillas pummeling chubby mustached men, and princesses competing with dinosaurs, and even pocket monsters dueling with Warp Star Knights, but kids? I mean, COME ON! These are kids we’re talking about, not mercenaries! They should be eating candy and playing outdoors...or, even better, eating candy and playing Smash Brothers! PY: Hmm...good point...FIGHT ON! SC: *sigh* Why do I try??? PY: Ness strikes early with his PK Fire move, setting ablaze Baby Mario, who screeches like a....something that screeches.... I don’t think he likes it... N: 100% YL: 100% BM: 90% SC: Would YOU like it if someone set you on fire, Pirate? PY: Can’t say that I would. Would you like it if I gave you a million bucks? SC: Well, duh! I’d obviously love it if- PY: Yeah, I’d hate it to. So let’s stay focused on what really matters, okay? SC: Okay, fine. PY: Young Link draws out his boomerang and lets fly with a shot that pegs Ness square in the head! That’s like the old jay wads from grade school days! Man, Link would be AWESOME to have on a team for spit wad wars! Must be all that arrow shooting and slingshot slinging... N: 92% YL: 100% BM: 90% SC: It looks like Baby Mario has regained some composure, but he’s by far the youngest; in fact, I’m not sure that he’s capable of anything, really. He’s fighting two kids who are easily eight or ten years older than he! Talk about unfair! PY: Yeah, but I wouldn’t underestimate him–he’s got a lot of guts, and he obviously has a real super quality about him that can be very dangerous to the opposition. I’d watch that kid carefully, he’s going to be causing some mayhem very quickly, I think. SC: For right now, Link’s doing most of the shaking up. With Ness stunned, Link has gotten in close with his blade and is shredding up Ness like a pinnata, striking with slash after slash. Ness can’t even guard himself from the onslaught and is stumbling backwards blindly, trying his best to cover himself from the assault he’s taking down there. Link’s really putting a dent in Ness’s HP, probably because of the potential threat Ness may be. He doesn’t seem too worried about Baby Mario, though. N: 74% YL: 100% BM: 90% PY: Trust me, he will be! SC: Ness has a moment of safety as Link adjusts his grip, and the Earthbound star (funny pun, eh?) Backflips out of harm’s way, if only for a short time. Ness lands neatly on a small hill, but Link is quick to leap up after him, using his Whirling Blade technique to get in several hits as he follows Ness. He just won’t leave the poor kid alone! N: 66% YL: 100% BM: 90% PY: Ness rolls further away again, and Link grabs out his Hero’s Bow and fires a dead shot right at Ness. Ness activates his PK Shield, however, and entirely absorbs the attack, restoring some health to himself through the move. It was a good move, but Ness will need to do a lot more of that if he wants to save himself a loss, and he’s already on the wrong foot in this fight. N: 71% YL: 100% BM: 90% SC: Say, what’s Baby Mario up to? PY: Oh, he’s preparing. SC: Looks pretty stationary to me... PY: He’s mentally preparing. Getting his game face on. Pumping up. You know. That kind of stuff. SC: Oh...alright. PY: Eh-hem..... Ness unleashes PK Thunder with his spare moment, and steers the little shockwaves right into Link, zapping him silly for an instant and inflicting the first damage against him! I’d say that he’s made a major stride in this battle with that attack, but because Link is known for keeping his cool, above all, I sincerely doubt that such a blow will really affect him like it normally would affect any other fighter in the tournament. N: 71% YL: 95% BM: 90% SC: Link just doesn’t fold under the kind of pressure, and taking a little damage may make him work harder, but won’t make him go crazy like it will cause some others. Ness excels in the mind games that go on here in the ring, though, and he’s learned that inflicting the first damage on an enemy–in particular, painful damage–can make the opponent do himself in with brash, costly mistakes in blind fury and rage. PY: Link grabs out a bomb and tosses it at Ness, but the red-capped wonder slips aside in time to save his skin. Then, with a sudden motion, Link grabs out his Hookshot and snags Ness with the end of it. Helplessly, Ness is reeled in like a fish on a hook. Link whips him sideways to the ground with ease, then replaces the Hookshot in his belt. N: 62% YL: 95% BM: 90% SC: Um, Baby Mario still isn’t doing anything. PY: He’s trying to psyche those other guys out, I’m sure of it! SC: Well, I think he’s doing a pretty good job of intimidating them, because neither of them have attacked him since the first attack of the battle. PY: Yeah, they’re definitely scared stiff of him. SC: Maybe it’s because they feel bad for him- PY: WHO’D FEEL BAD FOR THAT LITTLE MONSTER?! CAN’T YOU SEE THE BLOODTHIRSTY RAGE BUILT UP IN THOSE EVIL LITTLE EYES?! OR THE MORBID, RANCID, PUTRID SMELL OF DEATH LINGERING IN HIS MOUTH?! OR THE BLOODY, TERMINAL AIR LINGERING BETWEEN HIS GRIMY, SWEATY, PUDGY LITTLE FINGERS?! SC: Well- PY: Joe, that child is a MONSTER, a DEMON, and a MASS MURDERER! He must be stopped at all costs, or he will single-handedly destroy those children! Baby Mario: Goo-goo-gah! PY: ...I’ll get the shotguns. SC: Pirate, I really think that he’s just a helpless baby who’s going to get trashed if we don’t give him a hand out of there. PY: You DARE to arm the baby?! What are you, insane?!?! SC: While we’ve been arguing, Link has really laid into Ness, literally beating him from one inch of the ring to the other! I don’t think there’s a place on Ness’s body that hasn’t been bruised at least twice. N: 27% YL: 95% BM: 90% PY: How about his back left earlobe? SC: Uh, possibly, but since Link JUST went after that exact spot, looking for somewhere that Ness hadn’t been hurt yet, no. N: 26% YL: 95% BM: 90% PY: We must drop reinforcements! (Pirate pulls a lever, and a Metal Box drops down into the playing field) A Metal Box should help out a little! SC: Ness grabs the Metal Box as Link pummels him backwards, and–instantly–he becomes metal, and with that ability comes a near-immunity to all of Link’s attacks! Wow, Ness couldn’t have gotten this at a better time! He really needed it! N: 22% YL: 95% BM: 90% PY: Ness uses a metal fist to punch back Young Link, who’s world is rocked by the steel-fisted blow. Like lightning, he returns to his feet, but Ness gives him a second blow that sends poor Link’s body spiraling in the air before hitting the ground hard. Doggedly, Link stumbles back to his feet again, although notably staggering further away from his steel-rimmed opponent. N: 22% YL: 72% BM: 90% SC: Young Link may be in trouble, he seems disoriented. He stands in one place, swinging his fists slightly, as if unable to tell which of the Metal Nesses he’s seeing is the right one. Ness throws a punch to knock the life out of Link, but the Hylian is suddenly seeing-straight, and seeing red! With the coordination that even normal fighters lack, Link slips beneath the punch, rolling around behind Ness, and delivers a double-boot kick that sends Metal Ness sprawling! That was one of the best fakes I’ve seen in a while, Pirate–I was convinced that he was on his last leg! N: 19% YL: 72% BM: 90% PY: Ness turns to finish Link off, but the elf child leaps high above Ness’s head and uses his sword to beat Ness in the back with as he soars overhead, sending Ness tumbling to his knees. He may not do a lot of damage, Joe, but he’s at a disadvantage, and he’s still hacking away at his opponent! N: 13% YL: 72% BM: 90% SC: Baby Mario’s still prepping for the fight? PY: Shut up already! And yes! Yes he is! But he’s almost ready to go destroy them both, you can be quite sure of that! SC: ....just checking... PY: Ness catches Link’s foot as he goes for a strong kick, and the horror on Link’s face is inescapable; he’s been caught, and there’s going to be a price to pay for his resistance to Metal Ness. Ness raises a fist...then his metal status wears off! He’s not metal! There’s a pause of horror from Ness as he realizes how vulnerable he has become, and Link wastes not a moment in leaping off his remaining leg and delivering a powerful kick to Ness’s unguarded face with his free foot. Ness topples to the ground, and is back to the defensive as he staggers back away from Link. Gad, what a fight! N: 2% YL: 72% BM: 90% SC: Link slowly continues to advance on Ness, who keeps backing further away, back towards Baby Mario. He draws closer and closer, his back turned... PY: AND BABY MARIO LEAPS UP LIKE A RABID, WIGGED-OUT WEREWOLF CREATURE AND ATTACKS NESS’S NECK! I TOLD YOU HE WAS PREPARING! N: 0% YL: 72% BM: 90% SC: Holy crap~! The kid is downright vicious... In fact, I’d say strictly carnivorous! I don’t even believe he’s a child–he’s like the spawn of evil! Demented and twisted! He just DEVOURED Ness, chomping at his neck and shredding him to bits with his little fangs and sharp nails! Super Mario is a Super Animal! PY: He took an unholy pleasure in that kill, Joe, and Young Link is more stunned than anyone else. In fact, I do believe he may have just relieved himself accidentally in that shocking moment of terror when Baby Mario sprung up from the ground and finished off his opponent with a single bite. I don’t blame the poor kid; that was enough to scare ANYONE into soiling submission! SC: Baby Mario bears his teeth, and his sharp little fangs gleam like a dozen pointy knives...or maybe a dozen miniature chainsaws? Young Link backs away as Baby Mario begins to growl, and I don’t blame him one bit; that kid’s got rabies, Pirate, and I don’t think he should be allowed to fight in this tournament! He’s past psychotic and sick; he’s a seriously dangerous little master of evil, and he WILL kill anything and anyone in his path! He needs to be discounted from the tournament immediately! PY: But we were just getting to the good part! He’s fighting now! SC: PIRATE, THE KID EATS PEOPLE ALIVE! HE JUST CHOMPED NESS’S NECK FOR BREAKFAST! PY: ...fine, but I don’t see the problem with a little different taste in a person’s palette... Birdo: Pause play! SC: Really, Pirate, it’s not safe to hold a fighting tournament when one of the combatants will mindlessly kill until no one is left. They should’ve named that kid Vicious Mario. Birdo: (grabbing a surprised Baby Mario from behind) Hey, you! Biting the other children is NOT permitted! You’re going to TIME OUT until you behave! Baby Mario: WAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Birdo: Squalling like that won’t get you anywhere with me, Little Man! You’re staying right there in that chair and thinking about what you’ve done, and you’re NOT getting up until you’re sorry and have learned your lesson! Baby Mario: EEEEEAAARRGGH!!!!! PY: ............. SC: ............. PY: ...........well......... SC: .........kid’s possessed. PY: I guess that wraps everything up around here. By default, because Baby Mario has been suspended from the league, Young Link has been declared the victor of the match. SC: I don’t think I can sleep tonight. PY: Well, victory doesn’t come cheap–the counseling Young Link will require after this fight will probably take a chunk out of his bank account–but it’s well worth it....at least, sometimes. Hopefully, it will be more worth it next time when Mario & Luigi team up against Wario & Waluigi. Unfortunately, because of the indefinite suspension of Baby Mario, Baby Luigi will not have a teammate for next week’s bout and will therefore be eliminated from the match. That’s it for this week, everyone, and until next time, this is Pirate Yoshi saying, “Lock your windows at night, and don’t let Baby Mario bite!” SC: I’m taking the firearms to bed tonight. PY: Don’t roll over. |
| Battle 11: The Karate Kid....s |
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