PY: Welcome to our next Yoshi Stadium battle, everyone!  As always, we’re here for some demolition, some demol-iation, and some detonation!  If you enjoy flames shooting out nostrils, dancing pickles, and the best clam chowder this side of Daytona...then you’ve probably got no friends and live in your parents’ basement.  BUT, if you love mayhem and destruction, then this is the place for you, and this is the battle to see!  Tell ‘em all about it, Joe!

SC: Righto, Pirate-o!  Mario and Wario will be going-o head to head-io with Luigi and Waluigi-o....today-o.....

PY: I think I want to hurt you.

SC: I get that a lot.

PY: Besides Slow Joe Crow’s idiotic-o endings-o today-o, we’re also going to see some superb referee action by Sonic the Hedgehog, who can get the play-by-play details to us so quick, we’re tempted to report in slow motion!  Or maybe bullet time....

SC: “aaaaaaaand.............aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandd..............Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaario............taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakes.........aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunch...............in the faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace........-“

PY: Tempted, but not enough to actually do it.  However, the referee’s here, and it’s a nice sunny day here at the Fields of Fum, so it looks like we’re getting the go-ahead to begin!  Hooray!

SC: And we’re off!

PY: Mario and Luigi are used to working as a team–heck, they’ve done adventure after adventure, tennis matches, golf matches, kart races, and parties together, and even an amazing race, but are they good enough to take on their arch rivals in a fist fight?

SC: We’ll soon see, because Wario and Waluigi are stomping in for the start of what I predict to be an intense battle of nerves, strength, and stamina...  As the villains, Wario and Waluigi are apt to pull much more diabolical moves and stunts, many of which are illegal, on the verge of being illegal, or are so utterly moronic and ineffective, banning them would be a waste.  Let’s see some fighting down there!

PY: Mario and Luigi race at their enemies and both go for a strong punch to start.  Wario’s strength prevails, and he catches Mario’s fist as it crashes down at his nose.  Waluigi, however, is too uncoordinated to even block Luigi, and his large nose springs up and down like a rubber ducky floating in a bathtub.  His eyes water, and he lets out a shrill scream of rage and pain as he nurses his nose.  What a baby.   M: 100%   L: 100%       W: 100%     WL: 1%

SC: Wario uses his massive strength to give Mario a big shove, sending him through the air and onto the ground with minimal effort.  Mario jumps back up quickly, and rushes back to aid Luigi.  The two take on Wario as a pair, and with little trouble, flip him right onto his back through a punch-kick combo.  With the Wario brothers both properly subdued, it looks like this one’s in the sack.  As always.  Let’s go home.   M: 100%    L: 100%       W: 2%     WL: 1%

PY: Wait a second-....what’s that noise....?

Bowser: (bursting onto the field in his Clown Copter) BWA-HA-HAAA!  MARIO BROTHERS!  YOU WEREN’T LEAVING WITHOUT ME, NOW, WERE YOU?!  GWA-HA-HA!

SC: It’s Bowser!  What’s he doing here???

PY: He wasn’t on the battle schedule...

Bowser: My, so hasty to leave, eh, plumbers?  Could it be that you’re AFRAID to battle me?

Luigi: We’re not-a scared!

Mario: I’m-a not, anyway.

Luigi: Shut up, dork-a!  (He hits Mario over the head with a fist)

Bowser: Then I’ll just be DROPPING IN....  (He cuts the engine, and his Clown Copter crashes onto the field in a mechanical mess) Gwa-ha-ha!  I hope you don’t mind the sudden notice!

PY: Now what on earth would possess Bowser to come enter a fight with the Mario Brothers?

SC: Nobody looks for an extra loss, and–face it–we know Bowser will lose, because he always does...

PY: It’s beyond me, honestly.

Bowser: Gah-ha-ha!  So, I finally get to finish you off properly: in the Yoshi Stadium tournament!

PY: Well, at least he’s got good taste-

SC: He’s got a point, too.

PY: I hope Nintendo designers are listening in to this battle-

Bowser: Tell you what, plumbers; it’s two versus one already, but since you’re such puny weaklings, I’ll even let you attack first!

Mario: But this isn’t-a turn based!

Bowser: Then I guess I CAN GO FIRST!  (He rams into Mario with no warning, sending him flying across the Fields of Fum)
M: 88%   L: 100%   B: 100%

PY: Whoa, the fight started!  That clever Koopa, always pulling something new from somewhere we don’t want to hear about...

SC: Like France.

Bowser: How’d that taste, plumber?  Gwa-ha-ha!

Luigi: Why don’t-a you fight fair, coward!

Bowser: Well, I wasn’t planning on it, but since you insisted...  (He whistles) HEY, KOOPA KIDS!  (Instantly, his 7 children pile out of the Clown Copter, eagerly awaiting their father’s orders)

PY: Uh-oh.  This looks like trouble.

SC: Yeah...that Clown Copter only seats 5!  He’s been driving two of those kids illegally!

PY: ......LET’S GET AN OFFICER DOWN THERE AFTER HIM!

Ludwig: What can we do for you, Father?

Wendy: Did you find the plumbers, Daddy?

Iggy: Can we *hee hee* do them in yet, Father?  Eee-hee!

Larry: Iggy!  (He bops him over the head) Don’t laugh like that, you sound like a dork!

Iggy: Ow! Sorry...

Bowser: CHILDREN, STOP THAT!

Larry, Iggy, Wendy, Roy, Morton, Ludwig, and Lemmy: Yes, Father!

Bowser: Now....GET THOSE TWO PLUMBERS!

Luigi: Wait!  You said you’d-a be FAIR!

Bowser: Oh, I’m still being fair; they’ll only attack you two at a time, so things will stay EXTRA fair!  Gwa-ha-haaa!

Mario: I hope-a your HAPPY, Weedge!

Bowser: Iggy and Lemmy: destroy these plumbers!

Lemmy: Sure thing, Dad!

Iggy: Certainly, Father!  Wee-heee-heeee!

PY: This tournament keeps getting lamer and lamer.

SC: We should help out!  Things have gotten out of hand down there.

PY: Then THIS should help!  (Pirate pulls a lever, and a Bill Blaster rises from the Fields of Fum)  Armed and dangerous!

Mario: Luigi, get on-a the cannon!

Luigi: I’m-a getting!

SC: The Mario Bros. Take command of the Bill Blasters, and before the Koopa Kids can even come close to touching them, they’re bombarding the enemy with Bullet Bills!  Bruised and scorched, the two scramble back to their father in retreat.

Lemmy: Dad!  I’m sorry!  Those two nasty plumbers beat us!

Iggy: THEY’VE GOT GUNS, DAD!  GUNS!

Bowser: Weaklings!  Train harder!  Roy, Mortin: finish the job!  (A Bullet Bill explodes on Bowser) RETREAT, KOOPA KIDS, RETREAT!

PY: And as quickly as the fight started, Bowser and his kids are fleeing again.  With a lot of racket, the Clown Copter starts up and coughs to life, taking off in a jerky manner and somehow staying afloat long enough to disappear into the distance.  Well....that was unexpected.

SC: I’m not sure whether to laugh or to cry.

PY: You could lie.

SC: You’re a very smart person, PY.

PY: Thank you-.....waaaaaaaait......

SC: I guess that concludes our battle, folks.  Unfortunately, not a lot to say about this one, except that the Super Mario Bros. Aren’t called Super for nothing!  Join us next week as we unleash our biggest lizards to compete in the arena; yeah, we’re talking Bowser, Yoshi, Ganon, and King K. Rool, all in one match!  It’ll be a battle to die for!

PY: Or maybe even to live for, if we’re lucky.  I’d like to say that victory doesn’t come cheap, but....well, this week it did.  But I can guarantee that the battle won’t go so well next time, so join us again for our next amazing race....er, battle!

SC: How many more Nintendo Amazing Race 2 teams to reveal, by the way?

PY: They’re all revealed, Joe, and if I may say so myself, they’re pretty good this time around.

SC: So you’ve got the evil team, the polite team, the rich team, the likeable team, and all those kind of teams?

PY: Well...no, but most of them have drastic problems in some form or other, so that’s good.
Battle 12: Sibling Rivalries