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| Battle 2: Best of the Worst |
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| PY: Hello, everyone, and welcome to another exciting match between the two biggest brutes ever to walk the 8-bit screen. Though they started in such humble surroundings, the two of these fiends have progressed into terrifying, 3-Dimmensional monsters. If you're joining us for the first time, you may be confused. Here in Yoshi Stadium, in each battle, two or more fighters will be sent out into an arena, chosen before hand, where they will do battle. Points are awarded for strong hits, counters, technique, and, of course, KOs. During the last battle, the ever-popular plumber, Mario, pummeled his adversary, the heroic Link, in a match that came down to the wire. This week, our fighters will be the two evil-doers from last week's combatants' adventures. That's right, this week, we're going to watch as the monsterous Bowser, King of the Koopas, goes head-to-head up against the all-powerful Ganondorf, leader of the Gerudo. We'll definately be in for some excitement here. My comrade, Chunky Smee, is down on the field even as we speak, catching an interview with the big brute of the Mushroom Kingdom himself. Smee? CS: Hi, Pirate, and welcome to everybody here. It' me, Chunky Smee, and I'm here with this week's Mushroom Kingdom canidate, the evil, tyranical, no-good, not-nice Bowser. Hello, Bowser. Bowser: Flattery won't get you anywhere. CS: So, Bowser, you wanna explain how you think you can top Hyrule's worst? Bowser: Gwa-ha-ha! It's not a question of how, but at which point during the battle! I'll pop that thug's head right off his shoulders with my claws, I'll slam him to bits with my buff bod, and I'll burn him to a crisp with my fiery breath! And, if that doesn't work, I've always got my secret weapon.........bwa-ha-ha! CS: Excuse me? "Buff bod", did I hear you say? Well, er, never mind. And, what, pray tell, is this "secret weapon" you've got? Bowser: You didn't actually think I'd tell you, did you? Bwa-ha-ha-a! It's a secret, fool! CS: Hey, I just ask the &$(#% questions, I don't honestly care what the *$#@ you've got *$@#! shoved up your- PY: THANK YOU, er, Chunky. Phew........heh-heh........that was close. Anyways, Bowser shouldn't have much trouble crushing opponents today, "buff bod" or not, because the battle field today is right in the heart of K. Rool's Keep (today's battle is being filmed by the Kong Clan as seen to the right), a monstrosity with tons of evil gadgets, electrical devices, and tons of rough, tough, and highly-dangerous surfaces for brawling on. At least one of the walls seems to be lined with spikes--if Bowser's shell doesn't do the trick, he can easily crush Ganondorf up against one of those babies to get the point across. CS: Today's cornermen consist of Goomba, for Bowser, and a mean-looking Redead for Ganondorf. There's no competition between the cornermen for who's the most terrifying here...today's referee is the ever-observant Lakitu, who has always been a good judge and has a long, fine record of perfect calls. I wouldn't worry about any lame officiating today. Lakitu has served under Mario several times as well as Bowser, so he shouldn't have any real reason to cheat for or against Bowser. He's busy introducing the two of them now...it looks like he's finished. We've got a wild crowd here today.......most of the audience are Kremlings, hooting, ranting, and raving. One of them seems to be getting thrown down the bleecher stairs and into a security guard. Kremlings.....they never stop partying.... PY: Sounds like us... The whistle is being blown and Bowser immidiately, if slowly, stomps towards the defiant Ganondorf, who leers, not budging. Bowser raises a claw and is immidiately pounded hard in the nose! Ganondorf, up by one! G: 1 B: 0 CS: Even though Ganondorf got a point for that, it wasn't awfully effective. Bowser's just got such a big nose, it hardly hurts him at all. He's going at Ganondorf again and, again, he's getting bopped in the face. He just keeps going back after the Gerudo leader and is getting his nose beaten back and forth to the four corners of his face! Point upon point is stacking up.....this is almost comical. If this keeps up, Bowser's going to need serious plastic surgery after this fight! PY: In my oppinion, they both already needed it. Plastic surgery is right, though. Bowser's nose is gotta be in pain by now--it's been batted back and forth like a sway bag for the past 2 minutes. The score is currently 7 to 0. Ganondorf isn't letting up at all and Bowser is to big for his ego to give it up. He's continuing to march forewards and-................whoa! Ganondorf is grabbing Bowser by the nose, now he's slamming the King of Koopas right over his shoulder and into the turf! Ouch! That's gonna hurt in the morning... King of Koopas is now down by 8, G: 8 B: 0 CS: This might be a good time for Bowser to be bringing out that secret weapon of his that he was storing... He's on his feet and going right back up to Ganondorf, who delivers a hard kick and Bowser is sailing back across the floor on his back again. This is getting out of hand... G: 9 B: 0 PY: You're right. This'll be over before half time if we don't add a bit of spice. Here we go! (Pirate Yoshi drops a Proximity Mine) CS: Bowser is going towards it--he's bending down to pick it up.......and Ganondorf delivers a knee to his chin, knocking Bowser flat for the billionth time in a row. This is ridiculous! G: 10 B: 0 PY: Ganondorf has the mine--he's chucking it at Bowser and the King of Koopas is getting hurled through the air again! Yet another point for Ganondorf as the mine sets itself and is now active upon the slightest touch. Bowser is stumbling back again as the score soars. G: 11 B: 0 CS: There's very little time left in the half.......we're down to seconds......Bowser is going in for one last blow before the half--he's going to be creamed by Ganondorf again, I'll bet. PY: Too bad he didn't make it that far. Bowser has just blown back across the stage like a bullet, flames soaring off his tail as he hits the mine and it dentonates beneath his bulk. Owie....that's really, REALLY got to hurt... This first half is over and Ganondorf is winning by the pathetic score of 12 to nothing. G: 12 B: 0 Here's the half time report from Bomberlink now! Oh...he's not available? Well, this is slightly awkward. No half-time show means that we've got to think up something....I know! I'll sing! La-la-la-la-LAAAAAHHHH! (the crowd arms themselves with fruit) Er, maybe not. Let's just continue on to the second half, shall we? CS: Yes, that sounds like a very good idea to me. PY: Okey-dokey, then here we go: Hi, we're back from half time and nearing the start of the second half. Before we kick it off, we're going back down on the field with Chunky Smee and Bowser, King of the Krud........er, Koopas. Smee? CS: Bowser, hi....er.............................Bowser.................um.................... Bowser: Yeah, what?! CS: I.......I...........I.......was just..........curious..........WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OUT THERE?! Bowser: He snuck up on me, okay?! Gee, whiz....everyone's a critic. But, never fear, because I've got him just where I want him! He's toast! I've been dominating all along and he's mine at the start of this half! He doesn't have a chance! Bwa-ha-ha! CS: (unamused) Yeah, I'll bet. Back to you, Pirate. PY: Lakitu is back on the field, blowing the whistle, and the second half is under way! Bowser immidiately goes in for the kill and gets dumped over Ganondorf's shoulder onto the floor. Just where we left off........ G: 13 B: 0 CS: Bowser is getting back up.......and, while he does so, he carefully ties Ganondorf's shoe laces together! What kind of a clown act is that? Ganondorf punches Bowser in the face and goes up another point. G: 14 B: 0 PY: Hang on a second! Ganondorf is tripping on his shoe laces! He losing control! He's going down! Repeat, Ganondorf is falling to the ground and can't stop himself! Incredible! Bowser has just gained a point, ladies and gentlemen! G: 14 B: 1 CS: I'm afraid not, and Lakitu is flagging down the play, confirming my thoughts.... PY: Thoughts? CS: Yup. Lakitu is calling a penalty on Bowser. Tying someone's shoe laces together is illegal and Bowser is being penalized 3 points for it. It's an unfair, dirty move. And, besides, someone could get hurt. PY: ISN'T THAT THE POINT OF THESE BATTLES?! CS: Don't yell at me--you're the one who's writing them. PY: Oh..........heh-heh.......whoops......my bad..... CS: Ganondorf is beating on Bowser again--he's sending Bowser flying with a kick. Ganondorf is up high beyond possibley catchable. G: 15 B: -3 PY: (steaming) The rage........the fury........the injustice of it all........ CS: Bowser is getting punched away again. Gannondorf gets another point. G: 16 B: -3 PY: That's it!!! I can't take it anymore!!! (Pirate Yoshi grabs the lever) CS: Whoa! Pirate....what are you doing? PY: (with a psychotic look in his eye) I'm gonna fair up this battle!!! (Pirate Yoshi pulls the lever and a humungous, magnificently beautiful grand piano comes falling out of the sky. Ganondorf barely has time to look up before he screams and is flattened under the weight of the grand piano, squashed into a pancake) Bowser bounces back! G: 16 B: 0 CS: Pirate! You can't go doing that just cause Bowser's getting his hide whomped! G: 16 B: -3 PY: Yes I can! Ganondorf was unmercilessly beating the pulp out of Bowser! Besides, I'm the narrator! Ergo, Bowser has zero points again and Ganondorf is flattened under a grand piano! G: 16 B: 0 CS: No you can't! Stop it! (he grabs the lever as Pirate Yoshi grabs the lever and the two struggle over it for posession) PY: Let go! I'm the narrator! I get to drop stuff! CS: .........so? I'm.........the........narrator's................erg...........assistant!!! (the lever recklessly shoots up and down between their hands and a 1972 Corvette drops out of the sky right onto the weary figure of Ganondorf, who is climbing out from underneath the grand piano) PY: See what you just did?! (G: 14 B: 4) CS: What I did?! Look what you did!! (G: 18 B: -11) (The lever is joggled up and down again and a giant steam boat comes crashing down on the rubble Ganondorf is stumbling out from under, crushing him again) PY: LET GO!!!! (G: 2 B: 17) CS: NEVER!!!! (G: 28 B: -37) (The lever is forced up and down repeatedly over and over and over again. Suddenly, the sky is full of dangerous, gigantic objects, all hurtling down onto the battle field like a storm of asteroids. Ganondorf's eyes go wide as he covers his head with his hands) Bowser: (his eyes wide, also) Er.......now might be a good time for that secret weapon.... (He pulls out a small, red and white parasol and cowers under it as the shower of automobiles, mobile homes, boats, army tanks, masses of stone, endangered species of animals, and Hannibal Lector come crashing down across the battle field, creating a massive cloud of dust and smoke that goes off like a bomb and covers everything in sight.......or, rather, out of sight) PY: I USED THIS FIRST!!! (G: 1 B: 2,338) (As the dust cloud consumes the hordes of Kremlings seated around the ring and they keel over, screaming, choking, and dying from inhalation of the dust) CS: YOU'RE..........SUCH.........A..........BABY..........PIRATE!!!! (G: 11,982 B: -873) PY: AM NOT!!! (G: -877,632,981,423,599,321 B: 947,320,156,820,038,418,293) CS: GIVE IT UP ALREADY!!! (G: 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 B:-999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999) (Neither Pirate nor Smee realize time has run out) Bowser: (surfacing from the rubble below as the dust clears. He's still holding a torn, destoryed, and mangled red and white parasol that is bent and broken) Owie........I think I broke something........what the....!!!!! I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!! PY: GIVE IT TO MEEEEE!!!!! (G: -infinitee B: Infinite the other direction) CS: TO INFINITE AND BEYOND!!! (G: See left B: Add minus to see left) Lakitu: Congratulations, Bowser. You've defeated Ganondorf......kind of...... PY & CS: WHAT???!!!! (Pirate Yoshi and Chunky Smee immidiately stop fighting, gaping down at the battle field, which is covered with more junk than all the land fills in the world combinded could create. Lakitu is handing Bowser, who is standing atop a large heap, still holding his desolated parasol in one hand, a large medal. The two commentators, who feel very foolish, drop the lever, which is smoking and snaps off the wall and gape down at the field, unable to believe their eyes) PY: My gosh....... CS: Wake up, Smee, Waaaaakkkkeeeee up! PY: Bowser has done the impossible; no, he hasn't defeated Ganondorf. He's managed to survive the wrath of Smee and I at the controls of the Item Dropper. And, if we add up the points at this battle's end... CS: ..........Bowser has gotten 36 points, plus 5 for a KO, and Ganondorf remains with 14! It's impossible...........but it's happened! Lakitu has confirmed it, Pirate Yoshi has confirmed it, I've confirmed it.......I simply cannot believe it....... PY: (chuckling) I guess Bowser's secret weapon really made the difference after all! I never would have ever guessed. CS: Me neither......not in a billion years...... PY: So, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Bowser, King of the Koopas, defeats the evil Ganondorf in a battle of survival by a pure stroke of luck and a handy, extra-durable parasol. (I wonder where I can get one of those?) The end score? Bowser: 41 Ganondorf: 14. It's incredible. But, here at Yoshi Stadium, amazing things do happen, and one just did. That's why you should make sure to check back next time as the Giant Teams declare war upon each other. Next time on Yoshi Stadium, we'll see the Yoshi herds battle it out against the tremendous power house team of Pokemon and the unstoppable Pikmin forces. If you like to see tons of action, loads of fighters, and lots of luck, you won't want to miss the next fight. Goodnight, everybody, and drive safely. And, um, Chunky? CS: Yes? PY: (looking around) Um........how long you think it will take us to clean this place up? CS: I dunno.........probably about a year.......or two........ PY: Yeah.......that's what I thought. |