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| Battle 4: Star-studded Standoff PY: Hello everyone and welcome to another exciting Yoshi Stadium battle! This happens to be the fourth of the season, and, as you might recall, our last battle ended with a bang when Captain Falcon took out Samus with a pin to win our Battle of the Bounty Hunters match. Today's match pits two of the biggest Nintendo heavy-weights against each other in a real clash of amazing proportions! That's right, we're talking Super Mario vs. Kirby, plumber versus puffball! Our arena for today's match is--fittingly--Pop Star, where Kirby will have homefield advantage. The referee, however, will be of Mario's favor--Frog Fuscious, the sagely overseer of Tadpole Pond, has agreed to do the reffing for today's battle. While we wait for the official start of the match, let's check in with Slow Joe Crow, my co-commentator, for a little behind-the-scenes action. Joe? SC: Hey, Pirate, and welcome everyone! I'm hanging around down here by the edge of the field, which is a pleasant green meadow. A short fence circles the small grassy field, and special spotlights have been set up to shine onto the field for the battle, since the landscape has become pitch-black with the oncoming of nightfall. There's actually said to be candy stuck in the ground in some places on Pop Star, but it seems that either none is growing around here, or else it's all be removed for this battle. Do you think a giant candy cane could become a weapon, Pirate? PY: In this tournament, Crow, ANYTHING can become a weapon--that's a key to success. SC: Oh....well, I guess it's good that they were removed, then. PY: Frog Fuscious has entered the field, and Mario and Kirby are quick to enter behind him. He seems to be instructing them on some quick rules. Frog Fuscious: No hitting below the belt, grasshoppers! Also, do not taunt--it is the key to your own demise! Lastly, fight in a manner that is both honerable and appropriate, even for small children--they, too, will read this battle! Now FIGHT, my sons! PY: Frog Fuscious steps aside, and Mario quickly bats Kirby across the face with a gloved fist. Frog Fuscious blows the whistle and intercedes. M: 100% K: 93% Frog Fuscious: Penalty! You forgot to bow to your opponent! You must show your honor to your enemy before fighting him! SC: Frog Fuscious steps aside, and Mario bows low. Kirby kicks him in the face as he bows, and Mario topples over onto the ground backwards. Frog Fuscious blows the whistle and steps in again. M: 90% K: 93% Frog Fuscious: Wrong! I did not ask for you to kick him, my son! PY: Frog Fuscious takes his stick and smacks Kirby over the head with it, making the puffball wince in pain. M: 90% K: 81% Frog Fuscious: NOW kick him, my son! PY: Kirby hesitates, then stomps on Mario's body, finally evening all the early fouls up...for now. Perhaps Frog Fuscious is calling fouls a little bit excessively. Frog Fuscious: (smacking Pirate over the back of the head with the stick) Wrong! Never comment on the official! It is poor judgement! PY: OW! SC: Hee hee...you just clobbered good, PY! Frog Fuscious: Never gloat at another's misfortune! SC: OW! PY: WOULD YOU GET BACK DOWN ON THE FIELD?! (Frog Fuscious gives him a nasty glare and raises the stick) ....uh......please? SC: Mario grabs Kirby and hurls him backwards! As Kirby lands, Mario bombardes him with a shower of fireballs! Kirby bounces backwards, being hit over and over, and Mario rushes in in time to land a powerful sliding attack against him! Wow, Mario's kicking butt down there! M: 90% K: 59% Frog Fuscious: Do not say 'butt'. SC: OW! Frog Fuscious: Instead, say 'lower torso, anti-abdomen side'. PY: But that takes like three lines of text to write! Plus, 'butt' is funny. Frog Fuscious: 'Butt' is offensive and gross. Do not reject my teachings, Grasshopper. And do not exaggerate. PY: OW, OWWW! SC: Pirate's lower torso, anti-abdomen side is being kicked. Frog Fuscious: Do not repeat old jokes, my pupil. SC: OUCH! PY: Meanwhile, Kirby has obtained a slight edge on Mario and has knocked the portly plumber to the ground! Leaping into the air, the pink puffball comes down in a perfect Drill Kick, smashing the plumber with blow after blow, causing points after points of damage! Kirby hops away, but Mario is quick to recover and smacks Kirby across the arena with a flick of his cape. M: 74% K: 52% SC: We've only got a few minutes left, so let's liven things up a little. (Slow Joe Crow pulls a lever, and a Star Rod falls from the sky--it hits the ground and bounces several times) Our fighters scramble for the new weapon! Mario has it....but he loses it as Kirby kicks him! Kirby dives on it, but Mario uses a spin jump to twirl Kirby into submission, sending the Star Rod flying high and far! Another quick scramble, and Kirby comes up with it again! Mario lunges, but Kirby finally keeps hold of it long enough to swing it at Mario, knocking the mustachioed hero backwards onto his behind! M: 62% K: 46% Frog Fuscious: Do not say 'behind', my ever-forgettful- (Pirate Yoshi pulls a lever, and a grand piano falls on Frog Fuscious) PY: Tragic, the types of strange, senseless accidents that can so easily occur today....it's a shame, really... SC: Kirby sends a hoarde of stars flinging across the arena, and they all repeatedly smack against Mario, sending him wobbling closer and closer to the edge! Mario stumbles, but regains his balance quickly, then draws his cape again and flicks the stars right back at Kirby! Kirby is caught by the surprise attack, and several stars pelt against him! The Star Rod flies from his hands, and he topples over backwards onto the ground, narrowly dodging several more deflected stars, but his amazing Matrix moves are to little avail--the half has ended, and the score remains in Mario's favor. Tune in to our half-time show with Bomber Link, right after these messages! M: 51% K: 40% PY: I have to use the bathroom. SC: .........not those messages....... ********** PY: Hi, everyone! Due to circumstances beyond our control, Bomber Link...uh....resigned. Sooooooooooooo................there's no halftime show. Sorry. BUT-.......before you leave, we have a special performance today that will fill in the time instead! We're going to HANG N1NT3ND0 by his left nostril and light him on fire, then he's going to escape miraculously! N: NO, no, I said I wasn't doing a show! LET GO OF ME ALREADY! PY: Ooo, looks like our halftime show preparations are already finished, and they've gotten N1N into position--those steel chains certainly look hard-to-break-out-of... N: Hey! HEY! WHAT'S THAT MATCH FOR?! PUT IT OUT! OW, IT'S HOT! PUT IT OUTTTTT! PY: And they light him up! He's on fire! He's thrashing around! He's screaming! He's........uh.........not getting out........? *pst!* Hey, didn't you guys say he was magic? Halftime Show Preparations Manager: Yeah, he's magic. PY: Well, he's not getting out. In fact, I think he's turning crispy on us. What's the matter? Halftime Show Preparations Manager: I dunno. I'll ask him. N: AAAAARGH! IT BURRRRRNS! Halftime Show Preparations Manager: Hey, are you magical or something? N: GET IT OFF! GET IT OFFFF! Halftime Show Preparations Manager: See, somebody said that you had like special powers or magic or something, and that, you know, if we lit you on fire and chained you up and hung you by your left nostril, you'd be able to escape still without being scathed. N: I'M NOT MAGIC! I'M NOOTTTTT! PUT ME OUT! Halftime Show Preparations Manager: Oh....oh, I see. I'm very sorry. See, we wouldn't have lit you on fire and stuff if we had known, you know, that you weren't magic. We figured, you know, you'd get free or something, but you're bursting into flames instead, and that's unhealthy. We didn't mean to cause you any- N: HOT! HOT HOT HOT HOT HOOOOOOOOT! PY: Er, and that's all the time we have for today, folks! We're going to take a quick moment to......er.....cool things over here, and we'll see you in a second back at our show. N: EEEEEEYAAAAAAAAH!!!! BURRRRRRRNING! ********** PY: Um.....hi, everybody, and welcome back to our show! That was......uh.....and interesting halftime show, perhaps one of the most......uh.......strange we've had yet. But, it's time to do a little recap of what's happened thus far in the fight. If you recall, Mario had a slight edge over Kirby by the end of the first half, but the biggest accomplishment of all, perhaps, was when I dropped a grand piano on our referee, Frog Fuscious. Right now, Mario leads Kirby in a tight match, with 51% health for Mario, and 40% for Kirby. Joe? SC: It's time for that rare, amazing, and bedazzling fact that we just LOVE to drop on our unsuspecting audience at least once a show! Pop Star, despite being flat in appearance and spherical in manner, such as the Earth, so that it can be walked all the way around, is actually STARULAR in shape? Did you know that, Pirate? PY: Uh, I didn't know starular was a real word, Crow. SC: I don't think it is. I think I made it up. But it's definately a starular evening out, wouldn't you say? PY: I would, if I knew what the word meant. But, alas, no time to find out, because our match is under way! M: 51% K: 40% SC: Underwear? PY: No, you dope! I said UNDER WAY! There's a space there, see it? SC: Yeah, yeah. Sorry. PY: Mario hurls a fireball to start the second half quick, but Kirby reacts quickly by sucking it up and swallowing it! The ball of flames tranforms Kirby into his special flame-powered form, Flame Kirby. The crowd, mainly Pop Star residents, goes nuts--Flame Kirby just might be a crowd-favorite! SC: Kirby wastes no time in putting his talents to use and immediately bursts into a fiery comet, blasting right through the plumber and screeching to a halt just beyond him, having completely run him down. Mario jumps to his feet, but Kirby doubles back instantly and bowls him over a second time! Kirby's on a rampage! M: 39% K: 40% PY: Mario staggers up again, and Kirby takes another run. Just as the two are about to hit, however, Mario whips out his cape and smacks Kirby backwards with it. The power drains from Kirby in a flick of an instant, and the puffball lands gently on the ground, in his normal form again. Mario closes in for the kill! M: 39% K: 39% SC: Gosh, all tied up at 39% health each! Mario strikes with a low kick, and Kirby hops it with ease, kicking Mario lightly as he glides over his attack. Mario stumbles backwards, but manages to roll aside as Kirby lands and launches a fast lunging kick. Mario grabs onto Kirby from behind with lightning-fast reflexes, then spins him around and pitches him high and far! Kirby spins in the air and lands on the ground with a light thud! But he's back on his feet quickly, as he always seems to be, and ready for more. M: 34% K: 30% PY: Mario runs at Kirby, then suddenly slides across the ground, hoping to knock Kirby's feet from under him. Kirby leaps skywards and quickly inflates himself, floating upwards over the top of the plumber and then turning to land safely on the ground. As Mario turns, Kirby suddenly spews out all the air within his mouth, and Mario is blasted backwards by the expulsion of a Kirby's worth of air! Mario tumbles backwards, but quickly jumps back to his feet! He dashes at Kirby and leaps into the air for a bone-shattering punch! M: 31% K: 30% SC: I don't think Kirby has bones. PY: Alright, then a flubbery-puffball-shattering punch....but that doesn't sound NEARLY as cool.... SC: Kirby strikes with percision and grace as he suddenly hops into the air and brandishes his hammer out of nowhere! His mallet blazes around him in a circle, and then connects with Mario's head, sending the plumber toppling out of the air like a shot duck! Mario hits the ground hard, and Kirby quickly extends his trademark combination on to his next phase: his Flying Cutter! Drawing the deadly blade, Kirby launches into the air, then comes down with a shrill, hollow whistle. His blade slices through the air, then cracks against the ground, sending a shockwave of blades speeding at Mario. Mario is knocked back by the blow and falls over on his back. What a great turnaround by Kirby! M: 16% K: 30% PY: Mario staggers to his feet, but Kirby quickly jumps over him and attacks with a Drill Kick, driving Mario back against the ground with blow after blow by the pink warrior's rapid-fire feet! Mario hits the ground, and Kirby quickly goes into his Signature Move: The Body Slam! He grabs Mario by the collar, and races straight into the clouds with his prey! He's going for the kill! This is the finishing move! M: 9% K: 30% SC: From somewhere far above, Kirby comes flinging down from the sky, clenching tightly to Mario's feet. The two rocket towards the planet--and hit! EARTH-SHATTERING! PY: And we're nowhere CLOSE to Earth, either! SC: Mario is DOWN FOR THE COUNT! He's out of the match, and out like a light! Kirby's our winner! M: 0% K: 30% PY: Incredible! That was a true underdog victory if I've ever seen one--and believe me, I have! Victory doesn't come cheap holds true yet again--and no doubt, it will again next time when the Lean Green Fighting Machines, Link, Yoshi, and Luigi, face-off against each other in a match that will decide who the true-blue fighter is! Frog Fuscious: Do not confuse the readers with bad jokes, my pupil! PY: OW! HEY, HOW'D YOU GET BACK HERE?! Frog Fuscious: I am a master of escape, my student. And after getting out from under that piano, I also had to escape being hung by my left nostril and lit on fire. SC: Hmm....maybe you should speak to this guy we know.... |
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