| Battle 6: Cat Fight! PY: Welcome, everyone, to another intense Yoshi Stadium battle--the sixth of the 2004 season, to be correct. If you joined us for our last match, you might remember that Link was the last standing after taking out the only remaining foe, Tingle--an enemy whom was actually hired to act as referee! But, tonight, we've got a real referee, a real seat in the commentary box of our Delfino Plaza Arena, and a real cohost--say hello again, Joe Crow! SC: Hey hey hey, everyone! I'm Slow Joe Crow, here beside Pirate, and together, we'll be bringing you the play-by-play and punch-by-punch commentary as our fight takes place tonight! More on that in a moment, it's time to introduce our referee! Please welcome into the arena tonight's referee, Peppy Hare! Peppy: No hitting below the belt! PY: Uh, actually, Peppy, we tend to encourage hitting below the belt; it makes for exciting conflicts and such, you know? Peppy: Oh...uh...right. Alright then. Just do whatever you can to kill everyone else! SC: Our fighters take to the arena for the start of the battle--first out is ZELDA, Princess of Hyrule! As always, she seems very calm, even though this is sure to be a huge fight that could spell out any one of these fighters' seasons. The crowd cheers surprisingly loud--there's apparently a lot of Hylians in the audience tonight! PY: The next fighter onto the field is Samus Aran, wandering bounty hunter from parts unknown of our galaxy! Though Samus lost her first match of the season against a rock-solid Captain Falcon, she showed quickly that she definately has what it takes to participate in the league...and maybe even win it all! SC: Next onto the field is Princess Peach, or Princess Toadstool, to those of us who still aren't with the "in" slang. Peach has ruled over the Mushroom Kingdom with a sturdy white-gloved hand, yet has done so gently enough to have made her one of the most favorite members of royalty in the Yoshi Stadium tournament--just scope out all her fans out there! They know who they came to root on, I think! PY: Annnnddd our final chick for the challenge is that big, burly, good-for-nothing, sneaky, greedy, evil scum himself, Wario! SC: Um...Pirate? I don't get it. This fight was supposed to be "girls only"--sorry, but I can't really see how you confused Wario for a babe! He's fat and has a mustache...and probably looks GROSS in a bikini! PY: Ah, Joe...when will you learn that there's NO WAY we can turn down a great chance to insult a favorite villain in the tourney and add a little twist to the battle? Since Wario's such a low-living loser, we decided to stuff him into this battle to switch things up a little. Besides, Wario *obviously* looks good in fuscia! SC: Alright, very well. At any rate, Peppy Hare has blown the whistle, and this game is ON! Z: 100% S: 100% P: 100% W: 100% PY: Samus, arguabley the best-armed for this occaision, wastes no time in switching to the big guns--literally! Out come the missiles, and she bombardes all three of her opponents deftly, not missing a shot or even hesitating to aim! She's got pure instinct, Joe! Those shots were PERFECT! Z: 90% S: 100% P: 90% W: 90% SC: Yeah, and just as effective! From the ground, Zelda rushes straight to a counter-attack: Din's Fire! A ring of flames encompass her suddenly, burning both Samus and Peach and forcing them away, giving Zelda much-needed recovery time to get to her feet! Excellent move in return! Z: 90% S: 92% P: 84% W: 90% PY: Into the frey steps Wario, eager to try and take advantage of Zelda's attack! He rushes to Samus and grabs her from behind--Samus quickly reverses his grip, then abruptly uses her grapple beam to reach behind her and snag Wario by the head! With great ease, she tosses the chubby plumber across the arena using her grapple beam--there's on girl that knows how to "give no for an answer", huh? Z: 90% S: 92% P: 84% W: 80% SC: Zelda thinks quick--does she ever think slow?--and runs for a stack of crates in the corner of the arena! Uh-oh...she's caught on to our Reserved Item Stash! No! Don't touch that! PY: AARGH.......aaaaand she just knocked over the pile of crates, spilling our entire contents of items for the 2004 season into the middle of the arena. That's gonna take hours to clean up...and Bomber Link quit! SC: Forget about the hours, think about how much it'll COST to get new items! That was the supply for this whole season, and it just got TRASHED! PY: Oh, well...at least they won't go to waste. Immediately, all four players have scrambled to the sudden flood of weaponry and dug out something they like. I guess if our items are going to run out, at least they'll run out with a blast, eh? SC: Peach grabs a parasol and turns to whack Wario, who just grabbed a laser gun. Wario crumples to the ground, dazed, and Peach smacks him again. Zelda turns on Peach and swats her with a Fan, then drops her weapon and grabs up a Biggoron's Sword--she quickly teaches Peach the lesson of avoiding anyone carrying huge knives by slamming her across the arena with it! Zelda turns herself and is hit with a huge fiery blast from the Super Scope Samus has been stealthily charging up! It's CHAOS down there! Z: 76% S: 92% P: 81% W: 65% PY: Speaking of chaos, Peach just found a Chaos Emerald in that mess and has Chaos Controlled her opponents! When did we get one of those? SC: I dunno, maybe it was part of a package? PY: Maybe... At any rate, Peach's opponents all freeze, unable to move for several seconds due to the powers of the emerald! Peach takes advantage of the momentary vulnerability of her opponents and gives Samus several hard kicks to the visor, giving her some un-returnable damage. Peach gets in one final kick before the effects of the Chaos Emerald wear out, and Samus crumples to the ground immediately, finally feeling the damage from the attack. Z: 76% S: 79% P: 81% W: 65% SC: Wario finally gets his revenge for his multiple parasol beatings by grabbing a Pokeball and hurling it at Peach! The ball makes direct contact and sends the Mushroom Kingdom princess sprawling! What Pokemon will pop out, though? Z: 76% S: 79% P: 70% W: 65% PY: Looks like we won't have long to wait...it's Dratini! What a great Pokemon...wait. What exactly *DOES* a Dratini do, Joe? SC: I dunno. I've never gotten one of those before. But I know what a Goldeen does, if you'd like to know... PY: That's okay, I'm sure it's facinating. Dratini seems a bit confused himself, wondering what on earth he's doing in the middle of a battle...that doesn't involve any Pokemon. He looks lost...like a fish out of water! SC: Or a Dratini out of...water... PY: That, too. SC: Peach staggers to her feet, and Dratini locks onto her like a homing missile. Like a guided rocket, he flings himself through the air and winds around her head furiously...oh, so THAT'S what he does! It's the dreaded DRATINI FACE-WRAP GRAB HOLD...MOVE...ATTACK... PY: Great name. Very fitting. SC: Thanks, I made it up myself just now. Can you believe that? PY: Dratini wraps tight around Peach's head and SQUEEEEEEZES! Peach doesn't like it, I think--either having Dratini squeeze her face is giving her a headache, or else she feels ever so slightly uncomfortable having a giant blue snake-like aquatic dragon wrapping itself around her head and impeding her vision. Either way, she's struggling to get free from its coiled grasp...and seems to be having troubles seeing, too! Quickly, she stumbles over a Bumper laying on the ground and falls flat on her face. She stumbles to her feet, and topples over again after stepping on a Banana Peel. Looks like Wario's Pokemon is a better weapon that we thought! Z: 76% S: 79% P: 64% W: 65% SC: Zelda grabs a Bob-omb and tosses it across the arena. It hits Peach SQUARE IN THE HEAD and she flies OUT OF THE ARENA! Dratini goes flying off of her head, as well, looking like he's gone through a war and survived, and the both of them are out of this match for good! We're down to three! Z: 76% S: 79% P: 41% W: 65% PY: Samus grabs a Beam Sword and prepares for some up-close slice-and-dice with the remaining two fighters; neither have long-ranged attacks, so she should feel pretty confident with her close-combat weapon. Dodging a swift punch from Wario, Samus fights back with a strong slash of her saber that knocks Wario to the ground quickly. Samus turns to take a whack at Zelda, but as she does, Zelda suddenly unleashes another blast of Din's Fire, bowling over the bounty hunter and ending her one-hit run. Wario, too, gets hit by the attack--he's taking a lot of unintentional damage tonight, and it's a wonder he wasn't the first out! Z: 76% S: 71% W: 59% SC: Wario, out of the match first, in a fight with only girls! What could lower a guy's self esteem faster than THAT? PY: Uh...being told that you're officiating a match only to find out you were hired simply to serve as a crowd-favorite beating object by the combatants in the fight? SC: Okay, I guess you're right. At any rate, the half has just run out, and Peppy Hare has signaled for the fighters to be escorted from the field. At this time, Zelda leads with 76% of her health, trailed by Samus with 71% health, and our match's next fighter scheduled for the backside of our stadium is Wario, trailing with only 59% health. PY: Of course, anything can happen, and that's exactly what we'll be getting to in the second half. First, however, we'll be taking a break for our normal Halftime Show, in which we discuss some things, take a deeper look at some of this half's greatest moments, and make our predictions about the second half and the rest of the season. That's coming up next, our Halftime Show--stay tuned, and right after that, the second half of Battle 6: Cat Fight! ********** PY: Yeah...so, there was this one girl--I mean, I didn't personally like her, you know--but she had the nicest eyes... Oh, crap! HI, EVERYONE! Welcome...uh...to the Halftime Show...which starts earlier than I thought it did...heh heh hehhh... *cough* say hi, Joe! SC: Whoa-...uh, HI! PY: So, Slow Joe Crow--that sounds awesome--I've been thinking as I watch what a nasty group of girls there are fighting out there! SC: Oh, yeah. They're the worst...and I mean that in the best possible way, of course. PY: Of course. But, it's been occurring to me, do you *EVER*, and I mean *EVER* see the guys out there fighting this hard? SC: No way! PY: Of course not! No way is right! And why would you think that is? SC: Well, I'd have to say that several of the guys in this tournament are, plain and simple, 1) LAZY, 2) over-confident, and 3) out of shape. PY: Mario, right? SC: Yes, Mario! You see, from my perspective, it looks like Mario's taken the first championship...and that's all he wants! No more! He's done! PY: He does appear to have slacked off on his training recently... SC: Exactly! He seems to think he's tough enough to handle everyone! And, if there's one thing you gotta know in this tournament, it's that the more you win, the harder you'll need to work, because the more everyone ELSE will want to beat you! There's no "safety zone" in this league, Pirate. PY: Right on, Slow Joe--I couldn't have put it any better myself! But, getting back on the topic of the girls, did you really think they'd be punishing each other THIS BAD...before half time, even? SC: Oh, by no means, Pirate! I can't believe the amount of pressure they've been putting on themselves this early--it's all too apparent that nobody in this fight wants "second place"--they'll all do what needs to be done to win it all! And THAT'S how to play this game, after all! Ruthless, hard, and smart! PY: What about Wario? Shouldn't he have the advantage, being kinda a beefy guy who's been subject to a lot of pain and misery in his life and all? SC: Wario's got an advantage being A) a guy, B) a fat guy, and C) a fat guy who's done plenty of fighting throughout his career. However, everywhere that we find an advantage, there's got to be a disadvantage: A) he's dumb, B) he's a fat guy, and C) Samus Aran and Zelda. Samus and Zelda are both getting the best of him...without even trying! Okay, Peach was the one who got in all the big licks--but honestly, these two girls are destroying the guy without even trying! Wait until they REALLY want to take him out of the fight--he'll be massacred! PY: What *IS* the stratagey now for either Samus or Zelda? Do they team up, take out Wario jointly, or keep it a clean, fair free-for-all? SC: Quite frankly, Wario will fall for anything, so if one of them can side up with him--perhaps Zelda, with her intelligence, or--for Samus--her massive power and weaponry--he could keep safe and aid either one of them in taking out the biggest opponent: the other girl. Honestly, Wario's not actually competing--he's here to be used by one girl to take out the other. The dumbest thing the girls could do right now is join together to take out Wario, simply because he's a gimmee; he'll be taken out with such ease, he might as well be kept around as a wild card! PY: And do you think there are any odds that he could, by some strange mistake, end up being the only "chick" left in this Cat Fight? SC: If he does, it's a real shame. I really expect better from these girls, Pirate. PY: And that concludes our interview! Join us back in a minute for the second half of Battle 6: Cat Fight, only on Yoshi Stadium! ********** PY: Welcome again, everyone, to the exciting second half of this blistering battle! Thus far, one combatant has been taken out of the fight, and another is close at hand--Wario, our "odd-man-out", to put it in our most clever terms, is down to only about half of his life, with 59% health remaining. Zelda, our leader, still possesses 76% of her health, while Samus sits only slightly below her, with 71% of her energy left. Before we get started, let's have a word with Slow Joe Crow about our sponsors. SC: This televised event is used solely for the private viewing of our audience. Any recording or summary of the game, without our consent, is strictly prohibitted. PY: Psst....Joe! That's...um...not the word from our Sponsors. That's the copyright threat-...er, information, I mean. SC: Oh...wait, I found it. *Eh-hem*: Buy from Bushy's Bombs Unlimited. We have the best bombs money can buy, and our top-notch products can be found at an affordable price at any of our specially-located outlets. Visit Bushy's Bombs Unlimited today and buy a bunch of...uh...what's that word? The ink's smeared... PY: Uh..."buy a bunch of"...bull? SC: BOMBS! That's it! Bombs! PY: Oh...my bad. SC: Well, thanks for that announcement, Bushy's Bombs Unlimited, and remember, everyone, if you ever want a load of bull-...I MEAN, BOMBS, visit Bushy's Bombs Unlimited today! PY: Peppy's taken back to the field, as have our remaining fighters, all prepared for a second half's worth of fighting! Peppy: Everyone all set? PY: They're all set, Peppy! Give 'em the word! Peppy: Alright. *Eh-hem* PEPPY HERE! I'LL DISPLAY THE WORLD MA- PY: NOOOO, noo, nooo! Not THAT word! SC: Psst! It should be "Those" words! Peppy: THOSE WORDS...uh...what do I say now? PY: Just tell them to GO! Peppy: Okey-dokey then. GO! PY: ...where do we get these referees from? SC: Annnnnd they're off! Lightning Bolt strikes a lead over Van Dover! Van Dover, it's Germafatt! Germafatt and Van Dover! They're neck and neck! PY: WOULD YOU TURN THAT THING OFF ALREADY?! SC: Whu-....sorry...but I ALWAYS get a little distracted when the Kentucky Derby's on... PY: Zelda and Samus clash immediately, hand-to-iron-hand! It looks like Zelda felt that clash... Samus makes her pay dearly by grabbing her up in one hand and heaving her to the floor several feet away! Exciting start already...but it looks like Samus might have the upperhand already! Z: 70% S: 71% W: 59% SC: Zelda scrambles to her feet, and Samus blasts her at point-blank-range with a missile! OUCH! Wario tries to sneak in behind Samus for a tackle, but Samus whips suddenly with her cannon aimed right at Wario's head! Before Wario can make a move of escape, a burst of flames roar out the barrel of Samus's cannon and-....oh dear...is anyone up for a barbacue? Because Wario's got a fire started down there... Z: 62% S: 71% W: 51% PY: Nah, it's no problem. Wario's been on fire COUNTLESS times...Zelda, however, hasn't, so she naturally screams and shrieks when Samus suddenly turns her sights on her and blows a wave of flames at the Hylian princess, as well. Luckily, Zelda reacts much quicker than Wario and rolls across the ground to smother the flames before they can cause her much damage. But can ANYONE stop Samus's streak? Z: 57% S: 71% W: 51% SC: I'm starting to see what you mean--Samus is like JAWS down there, from James Bond! She's simply stomping back and forth between torching Wario and blasting Zelda! Perhaps some teamwork is NEEDED, if Samus is to be stopped! PY: Zelda *might* have just found what she needed. Our cleaning crew came on to clean up that mess of items over halftime, but they apparently didn't get everything taken away... Zelda turns with sudden accuracy and fires her Ray Gun over and over. Samus is hit with the first few shots and topples over backwards as she loses her balance. Zelda continues firing, but Samus wraps herself up into Morph Ball form and narrowly skips between the shots, dodging further damage. Wario, however, still trying to smother his lazy behind on the ground, gets hit with several as well. Sharp-shooter Zelda soon runs out of ammo, however, and is forced to toss away the gun; her moment of glory seems to have passed quick and be long-gone now. Z: 57% S: 62% W: 41% SC: Samus, sensing the laser fire is over, snaps back into her standing form. Looking for a weapon to fight back with, she quickly grabs Wario with her Grapple Beam and hurls the fatty foe at Zelda, bowling the princess over before she can hastily escape. My, Samus is one of the more powerful fighters I've EVER seen--she's completely dominating down there! Z: 50% S: 62% W: 34% PY: Zelda thinks quickly and appears to be trying to strike up a shallow deal with Wario to join forces and attempt to eliminate Samus. Under normal circumstances, I'd say that's a move meant for disaster, but in this scenerio, it might just be their only chance at surviving this fight! Samus is definately a match for either of them...but is she still a match for two? SC: Wario looks panicked, and eagerly shakes hands with Zelda without a second thought. I guess we'll soon find out! PY: The two quickly stand...and get battered back by a huge shower of uncharged shots from Samus's cannon. It definately looks like she'll be a challenge, even facing two adversaries! Z: 47% S: 62% W: 30% SC: Zelda responds almost automatically by donning the aid of Nyru's Love. There's a small flash of light, and a glowing, transparent orb forms around herself and Wario. The shots reflect off the shield and bounce back at Samus, who ducks under them and instantly returns to Morph Ball-shape. The shield vanishes, and Zelda and Wario approach ball-Samus for an attack. PY: Just as they draw near, however, Samus suddenly drops a round object and waits confidently for her two attackers. As Zelda and Wario approach for an attack, the orb suddenly erupts into a blast of flames and energy, hurling damaging smoke and light against Wario's and Zelda's bodies. Morph Ball Samus hops into the air from the force of the blast, jumping right up and over her adversaries as Wario lowers a shoulder and drives forwards against the blast for an attack. Z: 32% S: 62% W: 19% SC: Samus returns back to her normal form as she lands, and turns just in time to plant a hard kick on the side of Zelda's head. The princess of Hyrule spirals in the air and hits the ground hard, rolling over several times. Samus, however, does not follow--she instead seems to be waiting for the next attack, unwilling to venture forth brashly. Wario, having finished his charge, turns and stomps back towards Samus quickly, watching carefully for any sudden move she might make to fire at him. Z: 24% S: 62% W: 19% PY: Samus remains rigid and silent. Wario approaches ever closer...and closer...and, upon coming almost face-to-face, suddenly draws back a fist with greater speed than anyone could possibly imagine and lays out a stone-cracking punch! SC: ...as Samus curls into a ball and performs a Screw Attack! Wario is jolted with electricity and is thrown straight into the air by the surprise attack, where he crashes back down to the ground in short order. Samus lands and delivers a final kick--a blow that takes Wario out of the fight! Two down, two to go, and this match might just be over! Z: 24% S: 62% W: 0% PY: Zelda tries to play smart by waiting for Samus's long-range attacks--as she predicts, Samus begins an onslaught of varied missiles, beams, and blasts that come in all shapes, sizes, and speeds. Zelda uses Nayru's Love to guard herself from the attacks, sending them back at Samus, and the bounty hunter from Zebes takes a few of her own shots right in the chest! She tumbles backwards, and Zelda jumps her on chance to attack. She runs forward with lightning speed--and takes a sudden explosive kick to the face from a metal-clad foot. She can only stand in one place, absorbing the blow, as Samus strikes again with a low, sweeping kick that takes the princess's legs out from under her, and a final iron-fisted punch sends Princess Zelda soaring backwards through the air. She hits the ground and slides. This match is over with, and we've seen a fighter who's less of a bounty hunter...and more of an unstoppable monster! Z: 0% S: 42% SC: Gosh, she's got beyond potential! Samus Aran walks away with a win that looks so easy, you'd swear it were routine! PY: I know that the battle we just witnessed contradicts every word of our catchphrase for 2004, but...victory doesn't come cheap. At least, not Samus's victory, for Zelda. Next time, we'll witness an attack of the clones--no, not a Star Wars movie, but a Yoshi Stadium battle that features a new rookie, the second half of a double-header for Wario, and last year's champion! In a team-match to prove just who's copying who, we'll soon see what our fighters are made of. That's all for tonight, thanks for joining us and drive safely! SC: What about those of us who came by balloon? PY: Uh..."balloon safely", I guess. SC: I've got a secret, Pirate: you know that balloon guy from "Balloon Fighter?" That was me. PY: ...I need Advil... |
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