| Battle 8: Will the Real Donkey Kong Please Stand Up??? PY: Hi, everyone, and welcome to another uber-exciting Yoshi Stadium battle! As we near the midway-mark to our 2004 season, let's take a moment to reflect a little on the standings thus far in our tournament: the top-spot of our 2004 season so far belongs to ref-turned-fighter Captain Falcon, with a perfect 2-0 record so far. The Hylian Hero, Link, is close behind with a 2-1 record, having lost a team-match with Mario. Kirby holds next honors with a 1-0 record, as do Bowser and Ganondorf, and Samus boasts a 1-1 record. Bringing up the rear are Mario with a 1-3 record, despite being our last champion, and Pikachu, Yoshi, Luigi, Peach, Zelda, and Blood Falcon each sit at the bottom with an 0-1 record. And, the worst fighter so far is Wario, with no wins, and TWO losses. Gosh, he's going to have to work pretty hard to come back, eh, Joe? SC: Yeah, Pirate, definately. But he doesn't have a whole lot of matches to undo his failures! PY: Very true, with only two matches remaining in his season, he really needs to pick up his game. But, that's not of importance right now; what IS is this battle, another one-on-one match between a couple of infamous losers from last season, hoping to jack their records back up enough to make the Final Match this year. That's right, we're going to compare grandfather and son in a match to decide just WHICH Donkey Kong is the real one! SC: Ah, but let's not get ahead of ourselves--we haven't even introduced the referee or the arena! PY: Quite right, Joe. Today's official is the plump figure of Captain Blue, who really looks like he should cut the extra cheeseburgers out of his order next time he eats out. Blue is officiating tonight's match here in Kremota, where thousands of fans have packed in to watch from the fancy jungle stands. Kremota might be one of the finest facilities we have to offer, eh, Joe? SC: Exactly my thoughts, Pirate. Captain Blue: Joe...say the word, "HENSHIN!" SC: Hen- PY: Wrong Joe, Blue. Just worry about today's match, kay? I'll handle Slow Joe Crow's super powers myself, eh? Captain Blue: Very well. PY: DK and Cranky Kong have taken to the field. DK looks as sullen and annoyed as ever, and Cranky Kong looks like he's going to enjoy a chance to beat on his grandson a little. Captain Blue blows the whistle, and we're off! DK: 100% CK: 100% SC: Hey, Pirate? How could Cranky POSSIBLY be "the real Donkey Kong"? His initials aren't even DK! He'd have to be...uh....Conkey Kong... PY: ....holy smokes, YOU'RE RIGHT! HOLD IT DOWN THERE! Captain Blue: Stop play! SC: All motion on the field has stopped already, and the combatants wait for the call. PY: This match is cancelled, DK is *CLEARLY* the real Donkey Kong--his initials, DK, could only stand for Donkey Kong! Cranky Kong very obviously does not stand for Donkey Kong, so he is the faker! DK wins by default. Cranky: WHAAAAAT?! Crowd: Booooo! Hisss! PY: Sorry, everyone, but this match was a monumental kong-up...er, conk-up. We shouldn't have scheduled it, DK's the real one. Crowd: BOOOOO! BOOOOO! SC: Hey, Pirate? I think we still should let them fight or something, since the crowd, you know, paid good money for this battle and will get pretty riled up if they don't see some action down here. PY: Hmm... Out of the question. We can't just have them fight for no reason! SC: Well, what about him? PY: What? Captain Blue? SC: Yeah! PY: ....Joe, WHY would they fight over Captain Blue? That's ridiculous! SC: Nooo, they could team up and FIGHT AGAINST Captain Blue! PY: ......like a tag-team? SC: Without the tag. PY: I like it. GAME PLAY CHANGED, the new battle will be Donkey Kong and Cranky Kong versus Captain Blue. Sound good, Joe? Captain Blue: Just say the word- PY: ENOUGH! No more Henshin! Captain Blue: But I- PY: No more! That word is not allowed any longer! Now get out there and fight those guys! Captain Blue: What the Henshin is going on around here? PY: BZZZT! Incorrect! (Pirate pulls a lever and a four-thousand-ton bank vault falls on top of Captain Blue) I told you, that's illegal to say! SC: Match resumed, let's see some fighting! DK: 100% CK: 100% CB: 80% Captain Blue: Ohhh...my he- PY: SORRY! (Pirate pulls a lever and drops a steel baboon statue on Captain Blue) Captain Blue: I was saying HEAD! HEAD! MY HEAD HURTS! NOT MY HENSH- PY: ADIOS! (Pirate pulls a lever and a super atomic automatic missile-firing submarine falls on Captain Blue) SC: Uh, Pirate? You think we should just let them fight now? DK: 100% CK: 100% CB: 16% PY: Uh...I guess so... SC: Captain Blue crawls out of the rubble, obviously in no shape for a fight, but he's not getting one. DK and Cranky Kong are only staring blankly at him, content just to stare at the pile of garbage that's been dropped on him. PY: Captain Blue staggers towards his opponents, ready to lay down a hit on them. He's right in front of them! He MAKES HIS MOVE! Captain Blue: ....h-h-heeeeensh-sh-shinnn....... (a bowling alley falls from above, and lands on all three of them) SC: Wow! Three-in-one! Nice shot, Pirate! PY: Thanks, I practice well. SC: Donkey Kong and Cranky crawl out from under the ruins, both shaken from the dropped bowling alley. They stumble away to survey the final scene of the battle for a moment longer. But what's this? CAPTAIN BLUE IS CRAWLING OUT FROM UNDER THE WRECKAGE AND IS STUMBLING BACK TOWARDS THEM AGAIN! HE'S INSANE! DK: 81% CK: 77% CB: 2% PY: The Kongs tremble in fear as Captain Blue makes his way towards them, then stops. Captain Blue: Hen- (a World War I army tank falls on him and the Kongs) DK: 53% CK: 42% CB: 1.5% SC: THE KONGS RUN FOR THEIR LIVES...AND THE INVINCIBLE CAPTAIN BLUE RISES AGAIN TO PURSUE THEM! IMPOSSIBLE!!! Captain Blue: He- (a biker gang falls on the threesome, then drives away through the middle of the stands into the lost jungles of Kremota--presumabley, only to be eaten by the strange things living beyond civilization) DK: 20% CK: 13% CB: .5% SC: IMPOSSIBLE! IT'S SHEER MADNESS! PY: The Kongs run for their lives, knowing that there's no killing Captain Blue. Blue hobbles after them very slowly, then--upon coming within what he believes to be close-enough range, he utters the words of doom: Captain Blue: H- (The Amazon River falls on top of him, and smashes down upon the fleeing apes, flinging them to the ground and dragging them across the turf like ragdolls before washing away, ripping a giant hole through the stands and carrying away several spectating Kremlings) DK: 2% CK: 1% CB: .1% PY: The Kongs leap up and run as fast as they can. They look backwards at Captain Blue, who slowly rises once again, and they run all the faster--and crash into the stands, knocking themselves out as they collapse onto the ground, staring up into the night sky. Captain Blue has won the match! DK: 0% CK: 0% CB: .0001% Captain Blue: I won the match! H- (an aircraft carrier falls out of the sky on top of him) -............ooray.......ughhhhh..... CB: .000000000000000000000000001% SC: ......there are not words capable of describing the battle we just watched. PY: I feel it to, Joe. But, as our good friend Blue here can testify, victory doesn't come cheap. In our next match, we'll watch some of the meaniest, unfriendliest tyrants ever go head-to-head-to-head-to-scaly head in a different kind of match completely from the others this season! Stay tuned for King of the Hill, the nineth battle of the 2004 season! And, remember, everyone, say the word "Henshin!" (a giant Twinkie falls from the heavens and crushes the commentators' booth) SC: .....ow.... PY: ...did you touch that lever? SC: .....no..... PY: Me neither. It's.......ugh.....cosmic........oghhhhhhhh....... |
 |
 |
 |
 |