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| Superstar Smackdown in the Glitz Pit |
| SG: Yo, yo, yo! Welcome to the Glitz Pit! For those of you who don’t know, I’m Spgamer, the host of….. (The crowd, booing loudly, cuts Spgamer off. They begin to chuck garbage and rotting fruit at the already-nervous host. Spgamer begins to panic. Suddenly, the back door bursts into flames and Bowser makes his entrance.) Bowser: Quiet fools!!! (Bowser enflames the entire left side of the audience. The right side shuts up immediately.) Random Spectator: What are you doing? Bowser: I dunno, but I felt important. SG: Oh, whatever, let’s begin. Today’s battle will be a clash of the titans of the gaming world. I give you Mario (The crowd goes wild. Bowser chucks a banana peel onstage. Mario, basking in the applause and adoration, carelessly slips over it.), Samus Aran, and Link. My co-commentator, Bowser, will introduce the fighters in detail. Bowser: Huh, what? SG: (whispering) Read the index cards with the notes I wrote for you. (Bowser has obviously lost the notecards, so he just shrugs his shoulders stupidly.) SG: Oh, forget it; you know ‘em all. Let’s get on with it already. The rules are as follows: Last fighter standing wins. The object of the game is to reduce your opponents’ health to 0%. They all start with 100%. Bowser: Today our referee will be Lord Crump of the, blah, X-Nauts. Sounds like a brand of tissues to me. I mean, it sounds like X Snots, get it. (The crowd doesn’t respond.) Back in my day, people laughed at a good joke. How rude. SG: Ok… Now Crump is taking the field and our fighters are each in their appropriate positions, ready to start. They will begin on my whistle. Three, two, one (SG blows the whistle), and they’re off! Mario begins to pull off all that jumping action he’s famous for on his opponents. He performs a Multibounce technique that dishes out some damage to his foes. Ouch, that looks like its gotta hurt. M: 100% S: 95% L: 95% Bowser: Grr, Mario’s taken the lead. SG: Samus wastes no time in responding to this attack. She whips out her Annihilator Beam, a weapon that has brought countless Ing to their doom, charges it up, and shoots a Sonic Boom Charge Combo right at Mario. Our mustached hero quickly performs a Superguard, deflecting the blow to Link, who sends it right back at an unsuspecting Mario using his Mirror Shield. Dang, he paid a price for that move. M: 80% S: 95% L: 95% Bowser: Take that, you hammer-wielding fiend. SG: Almost as if he took that insult as advice, Mario whips out his hammer and starts for Samus. Samus pulls out her Grapple Beam and ensnares Link in it, pulling him toward Mario. Link responds to this quickly by using his Iron Boots to root himself to the ground, and then counters by using his Hook Shot to reel in Samus. The two pull each other in and collide in a heap in the middle of the Glitz Pit. Yowsers! M: 80% S: 85% L: 85% Bowser: The action doesn’t stop there either! Mario seizes the opportunity of both his foes lying helpless on the ground to perform a Power Bounce on his foes’ heads, jumping on them until he misses an Action Command, which won’t be for awhile knowing Mario’s skills, uh I mean LUCKY SHOTS. There’s some major damage coming their way! Back to you, SG. M: 80% S: 70% L: 70% SG: Thank you, Bowser. As you can see, folks, Mario has just shaved a ton of damage off his foes’ health, and there’s more to come. One minute remains in the first half. Samus gets to her feet first and notices a large monitor-like object hanging over Mario, who is charging up some fireballs in his hands. She sees this as an opportunity for revenge and blasts a Super Missile at it. It falls off the ceiling and hits Mario square on the head. This could be it for the plumber. What’s this, Lord Crump is calling a penalty? M: 25% S: 70% L: 70% Crump: Contender has caused damage to Glitz Pit property. Punishment will begin shortly. (Lord Crump blows a whistle. A horde of X-Nauts enter the room and charge at Samus. Each one slaps her once for 1 damage each. There are 69 X-Nauts in the group.) M: 25% S: 1% L: 70% SG: Crump is one harsh dude. Samus is down to her last point of health. The other combatants quickly notice this and begin to approach her. Before they attack, Lord Crump blows his whistle, ending the first half. That was a close one for Samus. And now, for our halftime show! Halftime Show: (Circus-like music plays and Bowser enters on a unicycle juggling three balls, with a stack of pies on his face. The crowd applauds loudly and Bowser takes a bow. SG laughs at the Koopa King.) Bowser: What? 2nd Half: SG: Welcome back folks. This is Spgamer. After a highly amusing halftime show, we are ready to commence the battle’s second half. Bowser: Today’s battle is set in the Glitz Pit, a battle arena in the floating town of Glitzville. Here warriors duke it out to see who is the champ. People come from Rogueport and neighboring towns to watch these bouts. In order to reach Glitzville, you must ride the blimp at Cheep Airlines. SG: Thank you, Bowser. The second half will start now. (SG blows the whistle.) It is now the second half of one of the most amazing fights the Glitz Pit has ever seen. Mario and Link begin to pursue Samus, who is at one percent in health. Samus quickly glances at the ceiling for a Grapple Point. Sure enough, she finds it, and swings away from her pursuers. She is safe, for now. Bowser: Link uses his Grappling Hook to follow her and whips out his Boomerang, hoping to end this one quickly. Samus blasts his Boomerang with the Annihilator Beam, and freezes him in dark energy with the Dark Beam. M: 25% S: 1% L: 65% SG: Mario, seeing that Link is stuck and Samus is low on health, breathes a sigh of relief. He approaches Link to take advantage of his sticky situation, smashing his head repeatedly with his hammer. Samus sets Mario ablaze with the Plasma Beam, and shoots a few missiles at the helpless Link. M: 15% S: 1% L: 45% Bowser: Link is getting creamed out there. The other fighters are using Link’s misfortune to their advantage. Mario is running around in circles from Samus’ fiery assault. You’ll pay Samus, only I set Mario on fire. Grr!!!! (Bowser pulls the ever-famous item lever and a Coca Cola delivery truck falls on top of Samus, toppling her and reducing her health to zero in the process.) M: 15% S: 0% L:45% SG: Huh, what’s this? Lord Crump is calling a penalty on Bowser for misusing the item lever. Ha! He will be suspended from using it for a year (that is assuming he ever co-commentates again) and Crump is whipping Bowser with a thorned whip. Oww, that’s painful, but it couldn’t have hurt him that much considering he has spikes on his back. Bowser: With Samus out of the picture, Mario and Link are left to square off in the ring. Three minutes left on the timer. Back to you, SG. SG: Mario and Link head for the center of the ring. This looks like a rematch of Miyamoto’s Favorite from Yoshi Stadium’s first battle in 2003. Mario hurls some fireballs at Link. Link takes minor damage, runs up to Mario, and sticks him in the gut with his sword. M: 5% L: 42% Bowser: This could be it for our favorite (my least favorite) overall-clad plumber. Mario lashes backwards in pain. He leaps at Link, bouncing off the ropes of the ring at full speed. Link dodges him, but Mario just does another jump off the ropes, catching Link by surprise and dealing a fair amount of damage. M: 5% L: 35% SG: Let’s spice this fight up a bit. (He pulls a lever and a Home Run Bat drops into the ring.) Batter up! Bowser: Mario wastes no time in seizing the bat and smacking Link silly with it. Why doesn’t he just knock him out of the park? The way he’s using it, they should call it a “Foul Ball Bat”. M: 5% L: 32% SG: Indeed. Mario shoves Link to the ground, charges the bat to full power, and sends Link sailing, reducing his health to a mere sliver. The Hylian quickly activates his Iron Boots and he lands on Mario, taking his health down to 0%. Now, that’s amazing. Who would expect a turn-around like that? M: 0% L: 1% Bowser: Not many would, SG. But crazy things always happen in the Glitz Pit! SG: You got it! Next week will be a clash of the villains who rival these heroes, in their latest adventures. Our next brawl will feature Grodus, Emperor Ing, and Ganondorf in the ring. Which one of these fiends will prevail? Tune in next week to see. Until then, may the force be with you! |
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