April 13, 2004 -- 05:58AM
It's about time I got this down in print...
This is a way for me to let it out. But it is also a way for me to reflect on myself and what sort of things may have
contributed to my problems. If I ever do get professional psychological evaluation, this sort of stuff might help. Please
note that the paragraphs below may not be in logical order.

Regarding personality, I have two things... 1) I am introvert and I don't have much self-confidence... 2) I need to go out and experience my environment myself. The second probably reflects the first. You keep on laying out fences on the sides so that I can only walk a certain way, but when I end up in the open field I will not know what to do and where to go... my view of the outside world was not accurate and I realize that I am ignorant. You knew I was ignorant and naive all along so you try to make sure that I am protected but the thing is you don't let me realize that. I am every bit as human as anyone else, and as such I have emotions and the ability to sense my surroundings and make judgements. I subconciously know what I need and that is reflected in my behavorial tendencies. When I request that we sit down together and talk, there is a reason for that. You and I need to understand each other; I have to understand your reasons for doing what you do and saying what you say, and you should listen to what I might have to say . You can't just impose things on me and then simply make the assumption that I will totally accept what you say. I am also capable of opinions even though I may be just a little kid.

When you don't allow me to ride my bike very far or for too long, I could understand the reasons when explained to me. The cost of letting me experience reality (ie: potential danger) for myself in that situation would be too high. But for something like not liking piano, or wanting to take up martial arts, or wanting to do some hands-on stuff, what are the costs? What happens if something screws up, how much could that possible cost in monetary terms? If I want to explore an electronic equipment or device, just make sure it is isolated from any power source. Make sure I fiddle with the gadget only in the living room where you are watching tv or reading newspaper. Instead of taking the time to make up math questions on those yellow sheets (there are plenty of math workbooks out there with questions that are suitable for my age & intelligence; I already have some anyway), you could use that time to watch me do some woodworking or crafts. Just sit there, watch, explain and chat. I may not have the intelligence or life experience to get the most out of everything you say, but you never know if any of it can actually make some kind of impression on my young mind.

If I want to take up martial arts, I'm sure the instructors are qualified and have experience. If I don't like soccer or swimming for some reason, encourage me to watch sports, games, competitions and Olympics. Let me understand the importance of exercise and sportsmanship. I didn't enjoy taking chinese lessons, so what could be done to encourage me to learn chinese? Telling me that I'm chinese and that even foreigners learn chinese may help a bit. Indeed, for some other people it may be enough motivation. But that's *some* people. So what else can be done? Well, chinese songs might help. I enjoyed listening to Leslie Cheung, Paula Tsui, David Lui (Lui Fong) and Anita Mui and you knew that. If there are songs that I enjoyed listening to then chances are that I will also want to sing along (as I tried to do, despite doing it clumsily). I learn the chinese characters a lot faster that way. I may know the characters and not have good grammar, but we can always go back to the traditional chinese lessons afterwards. Because I already know some of the characters I had learned in the song lyrics (or even at least, I consider myself to already have a knowledge base of chinese characters under my belt), I would at least have the confidence and willingness to learn more chinese.

Maybe there's a reason for not liking piano. Try to find out what it is. Is it because I don't like to sit down and dance my fingers around on that row of black&white keys? Or is it because of the music that I'm playing? Not everybody has talent for sounds so all that musical theory may mean nothing to me. Maybe I will enjoy piano more if I get to play tunes that I may feel attracted to. If so, I may not even mind being tested on that - because I enjoy those tunes anyway. But then it's true that I will not be able to climb up the grade levels. Dang, you know what... they should provide two different testing standards... classical, and contemporary. That way, possibly more people can learn and appreciate music. More money for those Royal Conservatory folks too. Anyway, just like my idea of learning chinese, we can always take up formal piano theory stuff later after I have acquired some ability to play piano pieces. One thing for sure is that I won't have to start from beginner's levels because I already know some of the stuff. Yes, it may cost more but is it that much more? If I can sit down and play grade-5 level music, isn't that alright? What's more important, climbing up that grade ladder, mastering music theory or just being able to play nice songs?

Positive reinforcements might help in encouraging and motivating me to take the initiative in doing workbooks that are meant to develop basic skills in its subjects. When I am able to take self-initiation in working on something, I am more likely to gain more from it than if I was shoven it. The same reasoning can be applied to certain subjects such as those involving numbers. Not everybody is born with the liking or ability to work with numbers and character symbols. Similarly, not everybody likes literature or maybe only certain forms of literature. Some people are more mechanically inclined while some people only like playing around with circuit boards and electronic gadgets. Some people have better ability than others when it comes to mental manipulation while others may be better in abstract topics and fiction.

My mind is weak in that it is not able to focus very well and that I always tend to drift off into daydreaming. I'm not sure what can be done with a child like that but I'm sure psychologists have a clue. You've probably asked around but what did people say?

I think I have an innate tendency to seek out an avenue that will allow me to express myself, acquire knowledge for myself, familiarize myself with the world that I find myself in and to understand my place in the world. There's only perhaps a handful of such possible avenues but the two main ones are: 1) social interaction, and 2) personal exploration. The first one involves going to school and joining in various social activities such as birthday parties and extracurricular activies. The purpose of school is not simply to gain hard knowledge; just as equally important is to acquire soft skills such as social responsiblity and communication. The second avenue is more likely an individual activity and may involve some sort of artwork or craftmaking.

So you cannot be pressing down on me in everything. When I want out, you cannot just assume that I am simply very rebellious. Maybe I am, but at least I have a healthy reason for being so.

Making soup and preparing healthy tea for me and enrolling me in courses such as piano and first aid reflects a traditional way of bringing up a child and I appreciate that thank you very much, but that's not the point. The point is that you have to be traditonal & conservative enough so that I can understand and properly maintain the importance of rules and freedom, but you also must be flexible & innovative enough so that I have the space that I need to fully exercise myself.

Being a parent is not easy and I think I can readily understand that. My contraception and fetal development did not occur in your womb and you don't know anything about my history so it is even more difficult to understand my personality and my behavioral tendencies.
Editing & Review complete: April 13, 2004 --08:24AM