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Well, how can we give ourselves the respect we never got? By learning to experience our feelings. By learning to make I statements about our experience. By learning to say I feel sad because, I feel angry because, I hurt because. And when we say these things outloud for the first time and get validated for the first time, the feelings become real in a way they can never be if un expressed. And once the feelings become real, we can start to undertand why we feel what we feel and once we understand why we feel what we feel, we can start to change the way our experience affects us today.
We can respect ourselves by expressing our anger at what happened to us. Having anger about something that happened to us and expresing it does not make us angry people. We need to express it. If we don't talk our anger out, we will surely act it out or act in it, in either case, it is destructive. It is poison and will poison our lives and relationships unless we release it.
We can respect ourselves by expressing our sadness. Feeling sad about something sad that happened does not make us crybabies or wimps. We need to express it. Keeping our pain in is destructive. It is poison and it will poison our lives and our relationships unless we release it.
The only way that I know of to be truly happy is to give oursleves the respect of feeling all of our feelings. If we don't feel the bad ones, we cannot feel the good ones. Those around us often try to minimize our losses, our experience. We must not buy into that. We can respect ourselves by acknowledging the full extent of the effects on us of the events at the beginning. If we don't acknowledge the full extent of our wounds, we cannot heal. Only by acknowledging the truth can we begin to heal from our wounds. If I am in an accident and go to the ER and they don't examine my wounds, don't clean the depths of my wounds and get the dirt or poison out, I will get an infection, the wound may heal superficially, but the infection is there never the less and I will pay a price. Only when I respect myself and take the risk of opening that wound again and clean it out will I be able to truly heal.
Healing involves a lot of pain, but the alternative.... I guess we have all lived it. We need to give ourselves the respect to climb the mountain of pain that leads to healing. The mountain is steep, but climbable. There are many crevices on the way up, but each crevice still puts you closer to the top. And we are all here in this adoptive family to help each other, nurture each other, support each other, share with each other and learn from each other on this road to respect and healing.
Clarrisa Pinkola Estes, who wrote Women Who Run With Wolves, has said that those who have been "abandoned" and face it and work it through can be come the strongest people on the face of the earth. Don't doubt it for a second, Only the Brave do this work, come to a conference and support groups and work it through.
The alternative to doing the work: Well, we can continue to bury our heads like an ostrich, but if we do, we will likely get kicked in the behind and not see it coming.
Or to put it another way, if we continue to swim in Deniel, we will likely get bitten by a crocodile.
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Joe Soll is an adoptee, therapist, and very active in the Adoption Triad. His articles, speeches and encouragement have helped many many many people in the Adoption Triad. Please click on the Banner below to visit his site. You will be glad you did!!! Vicky |
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