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116 ~ Sun - 01*14*07 - 9:39pm ~ LOST FOR WORDS
Song of the Day: Stone Sour-Through The Glass
It's intense living life with one person for so long. I've never thought myself to be with just one person and it is hard every day still doing that. I have found a satisfing love and yet, sometimes I just don't feel satisfied. I feel lonely sometimes and I still crave the attention I've always wanted. It's hard now wanting that same sexual attention from every guy when I know I am not as attractive as I once was and I don't mean physically. Physically, I think I am the prettiest I have ever been, but that one problem lingers with me so much. I know I have a boyfriend and I shouldn't want the attention of other guys, but that is how I've always been. I want to be sexually desired and I want to be able to hold true to my flirtations and it sucks that I can't without having that person lose all desire for me. Joe and I have been having a lot of difficulties in the relationship and I've let who I really am come through. That's hard too. It's so hard to get along with me and it's hard to hear all the things you hate about yourself being told to you by someone else. My short temper has put this strain on our relationship and it has strechted Joe thin. It's seems that in a drop of a hat we would be over and there wouldn't be anything that I could say that would stop it. There have been several times were I have said that I couldn't take him anymore and that I wanted out. It's rarely true, all I wanted was a little change to make things better. And now it seems that the shoe is on the other foot now. Joe has lost his patience with me and snaps at me more than usual when I lose my temper about something stupid. There was even a night where he lost it and told me it was over. Because stuff like this has happened so many times before, I didn't become emotional until he wouldn't answer his phone when I called back a short time later. It was heartwrenching. I can't see how it would be easy to walk away from someone that you've given so much time to. But unlike other guys I've been with love has been there to make everything okay again no matter how bad things got. We love eachother and it's nice to feel that we could work through obstacles that we are confronted with. No guy has ever put that much effort into a relationship with me. Guys just run away when a problem comes up, but not Joe. There may be that moment when there is a little time and space needed, but it is never for long and it is never for good.
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115 ~ Tues - 02*28*06 - 10:25am ~ ALL I NEED IS TO MOVE
Song of the Day: Cold-Feel It in Your Heart
Firstly, I hate school and work. I hate it with a passion. What a waste of time and energy. What a waste of sleep time! I've been going to school like usual. It seems as though I am going to be there forever and its killing me. I struggle to go to my classes. I mean STRUGGLE. Work. Well, that became interesting every since I fucked my boss. You would think the least out of it I would get a raise. Nope. $6.50 an hour and I haven't gotten a raise in over a year. Very disappointing. I mean, who do I have to do around there to get a fucking good paycheck. My love life is great though! I am still with Joe. This will be the first time I can ever say in my journal that we will be together forever. We've been together a year now and everything is wonderful between us. I love him more and more all the time and I'm happy being with him. However, there is always Joe and my sex drive to worry about. We fuck all the time, but we both have the fantasies we want to live out still. We have an open relationship. Now before you get ahead of yourself and say that I am giving up my relationship, let me explain. If you haven't noticed by now, to me sex is sex. I don't care about the people I fuck and I couldn't care less on what they felt for me. The only time sex because a feeling is when there are already feelings involved before the sex. I am not going to fall for someone just because they put their dick inside me. My boyfriends understands why I do it, and I understand why he does. We love eachother and that will never change and I know that fullheartedly. Fuck everyone else that I ever talked about and said that I loved because it wasn't. This is. This is what I have wanted all my life. A guy that can love me for me and a guy that will be there for me all the time, and someone that can be patient with me when I lose my temper. Even my family has said that I am more focused on school now that I have Joe because I don't have the distraction of looking for someone to be with. And it's true. I used to spent hours talking to people that I didn't know just to see if maybe, possibly, we would get along. But no need for the bullshit dating scene anymore. I couldn't be happier with my love life. And let me give a shout out.... WB Alex! :D I missed having u around. Well, time for work. Yay, that thing I hate.
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114 ~ Mon - 08*15*05 - 3:44pm ~ FLOATING THROUGH
Song of the Day: The Cure-Love Song
Everything seems so boring without drama and chaos always in my life. I know what is being asked, YES! I am still with Joe. And still loving him more and more every second. And Yes I am in Kean University getting my degree in Visual Communications. I am happy and life is just floating on by. I am walking the path I want to walk and doing the things I want to do. And I found and will always have the one thing I have wanted thoughout it all, love. Life is peaceful to me and things will develope into just what I want them to be. I found the person I want to be with and I have found what I want to do when I am older. No one can tell me different. It's quiet in my head when I'm happy. Nothing to pull apart. Nothing to analyze and nothing to wonder about. Contentness. How good it feels.
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113 ~ Fri - 06*17*05 - 8:40pm ~ ALRIGHT, LET'S DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME
Song of the Day:
A month has come and gone so quickly. I think about the things that have happened and a change in me that I feel from one single outburst. I told her about what my grandfather did to me. I told my mother. I cried so hard and so deep like I've never cried before and there she sat with doubt. My sister was the only one who believed me. My mom was going to press charges and all sorts of things and in a way it would of been a satisfaction but I was not ready to give up everything I have tried to do in the past years. I am working hard to be where I want to be and I have a boyfriend of almost four months that still makes me feel so good inside and that still treats me like I've always drempt. Money has also become a constant problem to me. The responsibility I need to take hold of is something that I have never been able to do. I have spent so much money on something I smoke so that I can forget about all the troubles in my life. And it's so hard to go day to day and have to struggle so hard to be just okay enough to get through it. But I can't afford to do both. I either have to sit here and suffer without anything just to have a hope of getting out of here or smoke so that it's easier to deal with and never be able to go anywhere. And I have made a decision that here is not an option anymore. My goal is to get out of the place where all the people that have ruined me are. I am done playing by their rules. I will not be dictated any longer. And I will take the responsibility to live my life. You will not hold my weight so that I will be blinded forever. These people never taught me anything and once again, I am going to have to struggle through and come out in the end with the power to say fuck all of you, you are not my family, a family loves, you control.
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112 ~ Sun - 05*15*05 - 10:23pm ~ CONSUMED
Song of the Day:
It's been a long time and things just seem to be moving on in a smooth rhythm. I was very busy with a lot of school work. It seems I am a better artist than I thought and I learned how to make deadlines for myself and meet them with still amazing results. I'm still with Joe and it's very satisfying to be in a comfortable relationship. There are times where I am short fused with him and I do wonder if all that will add up to him not wanting to be with me anymore. I am still very concerned that I may be doing something wrong that might ruin everything. And sometimes I can't help it. I love him dearly and he means the world to me. I still get butterflys in my stomach when I think about him putting that leaf in my hair and telling me that this is what I would look like when we go to Greece for our honeymoon. I started crying when he said that to me and I'm sure he didn't mean any of it literally, but it touched me to have him think of me like that. I will be going to Vegas with him in ten days and it will be an experience I will remember forever. I am going to fall so deeply in love with him. Me in the one place that makes me happy with the one person that makes me the happiest. 3 months and 4 days since our first date. In one week we will have been together for 3 months. My third longest relationship and I am so afraid that I am going to fuck it up. I don't want to end up breaking my own heart like I have in the past.
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111 ~ Sat - 04*16*05 - 12:53am ~ PEACEFUL BREATHING
Song of the Day:
Joe is laying in my bed falling so softly asleep. I don't know why I wanted to get up and write in my journal, but I had an urge to just express how ultimately happy and satisfied I feel right now. I feel so content when I can lay next to the one person that makes my heart skip a beat and that makes my cheeks hurt because of smiling so much. Next week is two months and I am so shocked that Joe and I haven't had a fight that would destroy our relationship. I feel so close to him and I feel as though I could accomplish anything I ever wanted because I have him by my side. I like his support and his confidence in me. It gives me something to live for. And it gives me someone that motivates me. I have fallen in love for the first time in his arms. And I don't ever want to return back to my reality because to me, this is the perfect dream. I couldn't ask for anything more than him.
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110 ~ Tues - 04*05*05 - 11:30am ~ HOPEFULLY
Song of the Day: Tool-Aenima
Everything with me and Joe is still absolutely wonderful. A month and a half and out realtionship is strong as the beginning. Though each has had a complaintnow and then, Joe doesn't treat it like all those other guys did. WE can actually talk things over and owkr them out, or have the opportunity to explain. I must admit thought that I do still treat him like he is like everyone else, when he has already proven himself 250% beter than aneone else. I need to start believing again and hoping again. I lost hope of ever finding someone for me and now that there might possibly be someone. I am still cynical as to avoid getting hurt. After always being the oen in pain, I have lost confidence in myself thinking that no one could ever care about someone like me. Though I want to have hope, I am still afraid that once my guard is down, that an arrow will make me bleed again. And I watch myself fall apart and Joe stands behind me reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about. I care for him deeply and I feel the same in return. And I crave for the strength to be alright and confident so that I can drop that barrier I hold up so strongly. As the days go on and the relationship keeps developing and getting better, Joe is breaking away the wall. There has to be hope somewhere in me because I wouldn't of let myself fall for him at all. I just need to hope that everything will keep being perfect like it is and nothing will change. There is no way that Joe and I would break up unless someone does something to completely lie to and hurt the other. And I don't see that happening. Once I have confidence, maybe then I will be able to make the step I need to just melt away in contentment.
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109 ~ Sun - 03*13*05 - 12:46am ~ THINK SO MUCH
Song of the Day: Matchbook Romance-Tiger Lily
To Joe:
I have been thinking so much about you since I got home. You are the only thing on my mind. And I don't know know why I am crying. I think I am just scared as shit of all this. This treatment and this honesty and this caring is so new to me. All my other relationships I have had to convince them I was someone I'm not. And with you, I don't have to hide anything and you actually like it about me. I've been hurt so much, that I am so scared of feeling this good. Because I know once everything feels like it can't get any better, everything just falls to pieces. I know it's happened to you, so I know you can relate. No one has ever done any of the things you have for me. And I can say that looking back through all those other bullshit words I have spoken about guys in the past. No one has ever taken the time and the energy to think about me and do the things you have done and still do for me. I feel so safe when I am with you. And I don't want to lose that, and I am so terrified of letting myself fall for you like I am because I wouldn't know how to handle that pain if I lost you. You are amazing to me, even when I can be not so good to you. And I regret even having to put you through things like that, because like I have said before, you don't derserve that. You have absolutely stolen my heart, please be gentle, it's still quite fragile.
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108 ~ Thurs - 03*10*05 - 7:13pm ~ A NEW ADVENTURE
Song of the Day: Slipknot-Surfacing
I knew that I have been thinking a lot of my past and the effects its had on my life. Last week I stopped smoking weed for a little while and my life came crashing in focus and it was very difficult to face not having anything to block some of it out. I cried to my new boyfriend, Joe. He was so supportive and he listens when someone should listen. Though I have been dealing with a lot of shit, I am still happy. Very happy actually. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and the thing that I do to make everything okay again, is the thing that is going to keep me from being okay forever. My one goal is to get the hell out of this place. I hate the people and I hate the atmosphere. Mostly, I hate living under the rules of this house and it doesn't seem right to have to be an adult and abid by rules that doesn't make sense to me. My one goal has so many little things that come with it. And each is very difficult for me to accomplish. Firstly, I am going to have to stop smoking weed. Not because I don't want to do it, or because it makes me feel wierd, it's because it is just way too expensive to continue to waste the money that I am going to need later in my life. I also need to learn to budgit my money so that I will be able to afford a car and the insurance on a car. But that is only the beginning. I have to focus a lot on my school work and do well so that I will be accepted to the schools that I want to be at. Though it seems like a lot of time before I am ready to make my move, there is so much I need to do before I am able to do that. And if I don't get my act together, I am going to be stuck here forever. If I am here, I am going to fall apart and none of the scars I have will ever heal like I want them to. It's a lot to deal with and a lot to start to understand after so many years, and after it's to late to change the effects. I can survive on my own, I just need to learn how to. I have been made into a child even though I should be an adult. I need to be an adult and I need to learn that on my own because there is no one around here that is going to tell me how to do that. It is all lies and bullshit, and everything that is trying to help me is really hurting me. I know nothing of making my own decisions about things, and I know nothing about finances. No one does anything to help, because everyone wants to keep me here. I know my mom knows if I leave, I am not going to come back. Thank god I have someone that I can talk to and that can understand and help me without running away. All my life I have been with asshole guys that treat me like shit, and I say I love them and care about them. Boy was I blind to the world. How can a girl not want a guy that treats her like gold and makes her feel like diamonds? Everytime I think about him, I smile. I am content and I feel no pressure to call him or want to talk to him a lot anymore. I understand now why I did that. I wasn't confident in my past relationships and with him, I feel confident that he really feels what he does for me and everything that he says and does for me is because he cares. I love that he accepts me for me, the real me. He knows about everything that has happened to me and he is still by my side. And I feel it in my heart that he is too. It's amazing to think you feel a certain way about other people, and then you meet someone that is truely worth those feelings, and it seems like you were wasting your time for all those other times. Joe is amazingly so compartable with me. And there is definitely something different there then what has been there in the past. For once, things feel right. And that's all I need to feel.
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107 ~ Thurs - 02*24*05 - 3:38pm ~ UNDERSTAND?
Song of the Day: Staind-So Far Away
I have been carrying around this piece of paper which reminds me of things in my life. It says: I need to share a part of my life which I am not proud of." I think it is time to share my story, though I share it with an understanding. A long time ago, when I was only a young child, events occurred that has molded me into the person I am today. I lost connection with the people that were supposed to be closest to me, and I was taken into the care of the most horrific and crazy people that I have encountered. My life and soul has been stuck in a prison from the moment I those people, my grandparents, claimed me. I have struggled and fought for my freedom and I have been scarred along the way. My grandparents wanted complete control, and they achieved that being I was so young. They wouldn't let me go out like all the other kids did. I wasn't even allowed to pick out my own clothes. I had no friends because I had no social skills because my lack of being social. A vicious cycle. I had no privledges and only chores to do and homework to finish. Remember, I was only about 8 years old. Not typical activities for that age. I still now have trouble making and keeping friends because I get nervous and lose all ability that I have gained to be social. But I am only at the surface of my scars. My grandparents would lie to me about my father, saying her didn't love me and would never want me back. I ended up hating him for a long time. I had no father figure in my life. My grandfather, I wouldn't consider him a father figure being he would rather have me suck his dick all the time. Two scars in one. Now, I have a need for a male figure in my life. I feel I need a boyfriend all the time and will end up pushing them away because I get so attached so quickly. I also have a craving for casual sex. Why? Because I was sexually abused I now look to hav econtrol in my sex life. I want to be able to choice who I want, fuck them because I wanted to, and tell them to leave and have that power. So I do it all the time. I also have a fear of being lonely and I get depressed often because everything that has happened, so in turn I smoke al ot of weed as an antidepressant. On top of everything I am 19 years olf going on 20 and I feel as though I am younger and now looking for my childhood freedom. I am now only a lonely depressed whore that can't keep a boyfriend. I understand who I am and like the Cherokee say, understanding and love are the same thing. Once understanding comes, love will develope. I suppose soon I will finally be able to love myself now that I understand myself. Even though I still have trouble being proud of my past, I will learn to harness myself and use it to change my bads into goods.
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106 ~ Mon - 02*14*05 - 6:36pm ~ FLASHBACK, LET ME HAVE THAT
Song of the Day: Atreyu-Right Side of the Bed
A month later and the path of life is still paved with the same old bullshit. The guy I was with last month has gone and I am back being by myself. I don't know what exactly happened between us, but there was some issues after I got back from vacation that could not be resolved. And he was not the person I wanted to be with anymore. He seemed to be too immature for the things I was dealing with. I signed up for a few personal sites without much response. Then one day when I was on one, a pop up add for adultfriendfinder.com appeared. I signed, thinking I had nothing to lose. And the response was amazing. Obviously, for a sex personal site, I am going to get more response than for a match finder type site. Yet, out of all the e-mails and IMs I got, I really only got along with a choice few people. There was this one guy that caught my attention that had e-mailed me through the site. We began talking and we got along really well. I saw his pictures and his face looked so familiar, yet I thought that there was no way I could meet someone I meet a few times before online that was so random. Joe, turned out to be the same guy I thought he was at first. Obviously, this made things more relaxed when we decided to hang out and talk on the phone. Well I never had something click so well before. For once, the guy I am interested in is excited to see me and talk to me as I am with him. I don't feel as though I am being too pushy or if I am being to time consuming to him. I feel comfortable knowing that those feelings are there because of who I am, and not because of the way I can convince people into liking me. A valentine's find that is meant to be remembered and told over and over again to generations. A passing friend turned into a perfect other.
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105 ~ Thurs - 01*13*05 - 11:00pm ~ TIME TO GROW UP
Song of the Day:
On Jan 7th 2005, I got on a plane ride that I never knew would change the course of my life. It seemed to be just a mere visit to a place that I had never been before. But the impact that it left on me as well as the impact of the people made me feel that I didn't want to leave. When I left the ache set in and now I feel as though I don't belong here anymore. I have always wanted to get away from here and I have an opportunity to do so. I have always wanted to be in a place that I loved and that made me feel as though I was at home. I never felt that living here. I always feel scared and afraid of what I say to the people I live with. One year ago I fucked up in my first year of college because of the freedom that I experienced. I felt that I needed to be home to be able to get ahead in my life. But I can't do that anymore. I have found something I love and I believe that now I just need to be happy with my life to be able to pursue my dreams. I can't do that here. My past is holding me back and the people that took me in their care when I was young have lost there place in my heart for good. I never liked them and I never seemed that I loved them. But now it all too evident of the lies that they told and the hurt they put me through. I know that if I don't take a step to independance, than I will be stuck here forever living under the same control I have been trying so hard to get away from. I need to grow up and I need to do it now. I have my whole life ahead of me and I have spent too many years being locked away because of someone else. I need to get out. I need to do this for me. Don't give up your happiness for someone else's. Always look out for number one.
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104 ~ Sun - 01*02*05 - 6:25pm ~ HAPPY HOLIDAYS
Song of the Day: Shadows Fall-What Drives the Weak
The holidays are over. It seemed to come and go so quickly. The past few months have gone by quite quickly actually. My Christmas was great. I spent the eve with my new boyfriend Matt. He met all the family, which I was quite scared about. I never thought that any of my family would like any of the guys I decided to be with, but they did. New Year's Eve and day I spent with Matt as well. My mom actually let him stay the night. We stayed up until 5 in the morning just enjoying eachother company. The past few weeks that I've been with Matt have been absolutely wonderful. The days seem to go by so quickly. The drama that I've had with all the other guys isn't there. Though Matt and I had an argument, he didn't run away like all the other guys. We talked it out and even though I didn't bend in my view, I understand where he was coming from. I have tried to give him his request without giving up anything. After the argument we seemed much closer than we were. He actually was the one to point it out. And it seems that we have been closer. He talks sometimes about love being percieved as that movie magic love. My entire life I have been from guy to guy, thinking that I was love because I was blind and desired someone to love and be loved by. I never thought that me and Matt would ever end up together. The first time I met him, everything was normal. I was just meeting another face in the crowd. But the second time I stood with him outside I started to flirt with him and I couldn't seem to keep my eyes off him. Now I am sitting here happy with everything in my life. Going through my boring life doesn't seem so horrible anymore. It's been almost three weeks now and Matt and I haven't had sex and I think it's the most important thing. I never realized how intense a relationship could be without sex. And I never thought I would be the person that would be okay without having sex with everyone. But I am finally realizing how important it is for me to be happy and faithful and committed to someone that you care about. He means the world to me and he is definitely worth holding on to for a long time.
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103 ~ Tues - 12*21*04 - 7:51pm ~ SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS?!
Song of the Day: Iced Earth-Ghost of Freedom
Alright. Here I am, starting over. Maybe this time things won't get fucked up. But I think I may have found a person that actually understands me emotionally. It started out with innocent flirting and curiousity. But things were so well with us. Matt. Another Matt. Nothing of the type I thought I would be with. More like a Dan type. More sincere and trustworthy. Sweeter and kinder than the typical guys I would date. Matt is actually a virgin which makes our connection much more than just a sexual attraction. He treats me with the respect that I believe I deserve and the time that I desire so much.
*spaces out*
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102 ~ Mon - 12*13*04 - 6:28am ~ THERE WAS NO USE
Song of the Day: From Autumn to Ashes-Short Stories With Tragic Endings
The fight that Austin and I had the other night destroyed us. He doesn't want me in his life anymore. Even though I realized that I did something wrong that night and was guilty as hell for doing it, it didn't matter. It was too late and he just didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I know he still cares about me, but he didn't want that kind of drama in his life. The drama I so easily create with no thinking. Drama that could of been avoided completely. I keep thinking about him, it seems to repeat in my head over and over again. And my heart keeps aching, and I keep thinking that maybe everything will be alright. But I already know that it isn't. He made up his mind and nothing I can do or say or even show him can make him feel any regret. He says that it hurts him and he won't forgive. He says that he fucked up a few times, but he didn't repeat them. Unlike, how I fucked up once, and repeated it once more. He can't forgive it. I made him nothing more than miserable. The time clicks by so slow. And as it draws deeper into the night, I can feel the pain I get when I'm alone building up. The nights are so hard sitting staring at a computer screen having no one to talk to. It seems to drag on and I don't seem to become tired as easily. I just want to keep staring waiting for someone that might speak up and show that they were thinking about me. I may have over a 100 people on my buddy list, but it is rare when I actually have someone IM me and wonder about me. Everyone finds me so pleasant and amazing at the beginning and it always fades. I told Austin that. He knew about all the pain I went through in the past and he swore to me that he wouldn't hurt me. All the times I have heard those words from the ones that hurt me the most. I claimed this last time and I claim this again. There is no guy out there for me. I will never find a guy that will be able to satisfy my need for time. I thought that Austin was that guy, but after a week, that changed. So many guys before that, I thought they would be able to deal with that, but they too failed. I warn people now before anything goes anywhere. And they just brush it off and basically just go "yea, yea, yea." If it wasn't an issue I would of never brought it up. This shit just ain't for me. My life just isn't for me.
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101 ~ Sun - 12*12*04 - 1:02am ~ SOMETHING IMPORTANT
Song of the Day:
I think for once in my life I have found something that is very important to me. Austin. Maybe for once in my life I might realize that just because the person I like can't talk to me, that it isn't something I did wrong or it isn't because they don't want to talk to me. I've always thought that when someone told me that they had to go, that they really didn't want to be talking to me or that they were mad at me or annoyed with something I did. Austin and I got into a fight again. Basically over the same shit that we got into a fight last time over. As soon as I said what I knew I shouldn't of said or what shouldn't have even become an issue, I instantly wanted to take it back. I can be so stupid sometimes. Austin was right when he said that everything isn't always about me. I need to learn to not make it about me. I preach so much in my journal and I give so much advice, but what I don't see is that I can be looking at situations in too much depth. I thought that some shit I only felt, but after talking to Mike tonight, I realized, that everything that I was thinking, he's felt as well. It all made so much sense to me too. I need to step out of my view and look through Austin's view. I can't keep thinking that just because he can't be on the phone with me, that doesn't mean he doesn't want to talk to me. I keep thinking that he is trying to find an excuse to not talk to me. When we first met, all we did was talk to eachother, and all that time I loved. I didn't yell at him, I didn't get mad at him. And now that the time slot that I have with him now is drastically decreased, I think that maybe he doesn't feel the same way about me or that he just doesn't enjoy our conversations as much anymore. And because I don't know Austin that well, I honestly didn't know how else to look at it. Talking to Mike though helped so much. He put things into perspective for me and made me understand the situation in a different way. Austin and my relationship is the last thing I want to fuck up. I've fucked up everytime with everyother guy and it's about time that I just stop, truely listen, and truely understand. This time I am really sorry for doing what I did because, I understand now and I'm not just apologizing for what I thought was me just being high maintance. I'm apologizing because of my lack of understanding and my lack of self confidence to know that it isn't me. For once, I see, that it isn't me, and making it about me is what ruins everything.
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