And
we’re back.
He
tried to correct me that it wasn’t September. It was October. No, I was
quite sure it was mid-September and he went to avoid me all through out
October. I stopped bothering him just after Halloween. He said sorry, “I
just get confuse… like right now…”
Was
it a mistake that he have me come instead?
The
thing is I have been on my own since I was young. I don’t know if there is
someone else to blame other than me, myself, alone of living my life not
having to rely on other people but it is just so. This is who I am.
I take care of myself. I take anything thrown in my face all by
myself. I get myself to some trouble so I get myself out of it on my own. I
do my best. My best isn’t enough. I cry on my own. Stand up, smile and ask
what’s next. I’m on my own. I drink. I get drunk. I get myself home. My
happiness, my tears, my fears, my disappointments, is all of my own. I face
the world on my own.
Back in Dagupan we have maids. I have them wash and press my clothes
but other than that, I do my thing. I clean my own room. I don’t get them
to prepare the dinning table for me to eat. I don’t have them do personal
errands like buying cigarette over or something to snack on over the
neighborhood sari-sari store. I do everything on my own. My problem, I solve
it.
Kim, my long lost friend in Dagupan had kept urging me then to tell,
talk about my problems to him. He wants me to cry to him everything I have
stored up—my frustrations. He said that was I was there for him and I
should let him be that for me too… I just can’t.
I guess it is lack of trust on other people… of myself… I’m
afraid that if I start trusting, relying on someone I’ll get use to it…
and when he finally get tired of me, I wouldn’t know how was it again to
be on my own…
He
messaged me as usual as he did the other nights… asking me what I was
doing, how am I doing. I’d reply that I’m fine and asked him back the
same questions. He would say he too is fine. The usual, nothing much to
it...
I thought of asking him again if I could come over but didn’t, as I
thought he wouldn’t reply again. So, I asked him instead if he does the Simbang
Gabi (Filipino tradition, really early—4 am early—morning mass done
from the sixteenth of December until Christmas) and that if I could come
with him. He said no, it was too early for him. I suggested we do the late
night instead of the early morning (by tradition it’s early morning but
for the demand of the modern time, the church thought they do one too at
late night—10 pm). He said he don’t do church.
I told him I miss him and that I really wanted to see him… just see
him… talk and smoke, that would all be it…
He told me to come over.
Armed
with nine strong mint candies, a pack of Winston lights, and a hundred pesos
on my pocket, I met him at the usual—in the house at the corner street
that sells hotdogs. I still haven’t had dinner and I’m gearing up to
have a chilidog there.
Now,
I always thought that that house was where he lives. He said it wasn’t
before but I thought he just don’t want me to know. The thing was that
when we were seeing each other before, it was always there. He even had his
phone charged there and that he was in and out of that house. It also of
that house backyard did we do it.
But
as it turned out, it really wasn’t. He came out of there but he had me
walk with him more into the alley. I didn’t ask to where, I just figured
he wanted to walk as we talk. He excused himself for looking awful. He
thinks he is going down with a cold. He does looked fatigue. I asked him if
he did take some medication already. He said yes. I offered him smoke. He
laughed saying I’m so mean. “I’m sorry but with or without you, I’m
smoking.” After a puff or two, he asked me for one.
He
asked me what have I been doing. I told him nothing much and that I have
found a place to hang out: the café. I told him about how I found the
place—meeting Bj, getting along well with Fam and how I think Dennis is
Jack (Will & Grace).
I
asked him about Brix. I could tell he don’t want to talk about him. He
just said they did it once then no more. I laughed.
I
thought we were just taking a leisurely walk, with no destination in mind,
but then he stopped abruptly in front of a house and called in to the woman
that was at the garage talking to someone. “My Friend,” he said to the
woman, pertaining to me. Then, he turned to me and said, “My mom.”
Surprised, I almost forgot to show grace and greet her good evening.
Well, she was the first mother I met whose son I shag with!
I am not putting meaning to it. I know he wouldn’t have bought me
there if he knew his mother would be at the garage—he pointed out to me
that she said that she would be going to bed already. He didn’t plan it.
I think he did plan to finally bring me to their house but not
introducing me to his mom.
I
wanted to talk about Brix. He didn’t want to. I pressed. He finally
admitted that the last time was last week. I laughed. He hated me. I asked
him if Brix told him that we met and talk. He said no and was interested to
know. I told him how I encouraged Brix to make the first move, enticing him
by saying how he, Carlo, was so good a kisser, and telling him where we do
it.
He didn’t like it, asking me why. I told him so things would
happen, “you did enjoy it…”
Embarrassed, I saw he did—sex is enjoyable anyhow—but still he
didn’t liked what I did. He then said it happened again last week but he
explained that he was just damn horny. “I was just about to jerk off with
a porn video but he messaged me.” So, he had him come over. He said Brix
is more into giving a head, he don’t like that—going to the extent
of saying “yuck!” He was sort of assuring me that there is nothing going
on between them, like I care. I just have to laugh and mock him all the
more.
He excused himself, saying he needs to take a quick shower. He begged
me to give him just ten to twenty minutes. I thought he just want to leave
me for a while hoping that if he comes back I’d stop mocking him with Brix.
He hopes too much when he could just kiss me.
Let
me leave it to you to figure out. We were fuck buddies in September, avoided
me in the month of October and November. And lately he have been messaging
me again, asking what am I doing and how am I. When I suggest coming over,
which is really a code for let’s shag, he doesn’t reply… then, message
me again the next night… hmmm… He have me came over because I told him
that we are just to hang, talk and smoke, nothing more… what you think?
He
came out of the house (he had me wait at the garage) fresh from shower with
a white shirt and boxers only. He saw I was playing with the game at my
cellphone, he seized it from me to play. Mom was still gossiping with her
amiga. Bored—he should have seen to it that I don’t—I started again on
Brix. He threatened me that if I don’t stop he won’t message me again,
like yah, that’s scary.
Moments later, mom’s amiga said goodnight and mom said good night
to us.
We were at the garage. As soon as mom was gone, he went to turn off
the lights and sit beside me. He was still playing with my cellphone and I
was still on with Brix. He had
his foot entwined with mine. I didn’t mind, just that I felt it was
cold—he just came out of the shower.
“Nag-ii-love you nga eh, (he says I-love you)”, he said
pertaining to Brix.
“Oh, his in love na with you…” I said.
“No, he just says that,” he said, writing it off.
“Why would he say so if he doesn’t… it’s not like it’s the
only way to get you to shag with him… you were shagging already.”
He wasn’t able to speak.
“Christmas is just around the corner… give in to him… make him
happy,” I suggested, “You don’t know, that might be his Christmas
wish…”
“Ah, shut up!”
I laughed.
It
was getting late already. I told him I am to go. He put my phone
down and told me he wouldn’t able to walk me out to where I could get my
ride. I would have not mind if the alley wasn’t that peopled but it was.
He said he was already in his boxers and that he had nothing underneath it.
I pleaded. He went to stand up, walk in the house. I thought he was to get
dressed already but then he came back still on his boxers. Lingered on the
door, looking around the house. “What?” I asked. He didn’t answer,
still looking.
Suddenly, an idea occurred to me.
I walked up to him, asking him what he was doing. He had me see the
inside of their house. He apologized for it being so messy. It wasn’t, just
that some trays of cassava cake were all over the dinning table making the
whole house smell so yummy.
We were standing so close to each other by the door. He held me…
and we kissed. It was good, just the way I remember how he kiss. I walked
out of his embrace, back to garage. I am no way doing it with him at the door
way nor at the family hall—I figured. He went to follow me looking out the
street. I told him to look. He looked, looking for what I was supposed to be
looking at. I went behind him and pulled his boxers down. That was the idea
that came to me.
I
was laughing so much. He went to pull his boxers up as quickly as possible
then went to seize me, tickling me. He kissed me again and then led me
quietly to the back of the house.
“Brix won’t be happy about this,” I whispered to him.
He just went to kiss me, feeling each other…
I asked him why don’t we just do it in his room. He didn’t answer
and just went on kissing me. I should have stopped it but then he kisses so
damn good! And besides, I thought maybe he was saving his room for only
those he truly is into, the one he would love and would want to be committed
to and not someone who he just shag with.
Eastwood
(Libis, Quezon City) have been doing fireworks display every Friday this
December. We just got done when the fireworks started. From their house, we
were able to watch. It was wonderful, and we standing side by side, it was
almost romantic.
I looked at him. He
smiled. He then said he’d just get dress so he could walk me to where I
could get my ride home. I just nodded.
