forever.

l.i.n.k.s`

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liane>> `main. `huggies. `tag.
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blog>> `april08. `january08. `december07. `november07. `october07. `september07.
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treasures>> `fellie. `meiyu. `seokie. `shuli. `teri. `yayin.
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a.p.r.i.l`08

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I HAVE SHIFTED TO http://x-liane.blogspot.com/ ! PLEASE DO NOT CHECK THIS BLOG FOR UPDATES ANYMORE! :)

liane

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[Wished you never called.]

It's over, for good.

I am just unable to meet up to your demands. Honestly, they're pretty unreasonable.

liane

14th april 2008

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[The long-awaited update!]

This entry is long, a little -_-�, and meant for my dear friends (esp. those in distant lands) who have been asking for updates! Please don�t read it if you�re just snooping around, haha. Because it is kind of personal.

Warning: you guys will probably be shocked out of your minds.

Hi dears, I�M BACK!!! :D

I know, I know, I haven�t been updating my blog for MONTHS. I�m sorry!!! I�ve been lazy (hehe :P), overwhelmed with work� Etcetc. I could go on with the excuses but I�ll just skipppp that and move on to the more important bit � my current life. It�s. Erm. Let�s just say that I feel REALLY confused.

I�ve been in a whole emotional whirlwind the past few months. It all began when Semester 2 and fur�s OCS training started. I made time every single weekend to meet him, despite my workload, but we somehow ended up quarrelling all the time. Guess the both of us were perpetually stressed, and fur somehow didn�t like how tired and unhappy I looked all the time. I wished he would hold me and cheer me up; he wished I would smile and not look so miserable whenever I was with him. Thinking back, I understand how he probably felt, meeting a stressed-up, unhappy monster instead of his usual, cheerful and affectionate girlfriend. And I had complained quite a lot about my workload, which probably stressed him out. Anyway, he would flare up at me and I would cry, and it would happen week after week after week. It became so bad that I came close to a total breakdown during the LAWR assignment period, and I just stopped caring about work for one point.

This went on for weeks, and in the meantime, I felt rather hurt and unhappy. Although I never ever came close to cheating on him, he actually flirted with tons of girls on flirtable (a facebook app) whenever we quarreled, and even messaged flirting, long and personal private messages to this bikini-clad hot chick. AND HE DIDN�T TELL ME ABOUT IT � I FOUND OUT BY MYSELF. Granted, he did tell her how great I was, but that was ONLY AFTER SHE ENQUIRED ABOUT HIS �ENGAGED� STATUS! I felt really hurt, and was afraid that� He would eventually cheat on me in the future.

We tried to work everything out, but just as it was becoming a little better, something totally screwed up happened. It�s really difficult for me to admit this, and I seriously NEVER imagined it would happen to ME, but I had a erm transient crush. Totally one-sided, don�t worry. [Please don�t speculate even though you all are tempted to, ahhh. PLEASE.] Anyway, I really didn�t know how to handle it because I�ve never had a serious crush before. My relationship with fur started, not through the type of infatuated-crush feeling, but through mutual friendship that eventually developed into something stronger. So it wasn�t the an4 lian4 kind, and in the 6 years of our relationship, I�ve never experienced anything like that. Transient attraction, YES, but crush � NO! I felt really horrible and conflicted � each day was filled with guilt, pretense, utter misery. Couldn�t concentrate on my work, couldn�t concentrate on the relationship, couldn�t even feel the way that I did in peace. I felt guilty, momentarily happy, sad, guilty guilty guilty. I felt so awful that I just wanted to break up and run away from it all. Told fur all about it, and he promised to try to work something out together. Then he found out that it was pretty serious, that I was genuinely having problems, got insanely jealous, and� Kept calling him my �lover�, insisted it was mutual when it was HONESTLY ONE SIDED, claimed that I �loved� him, etc.

Although I was at fault, it was really difficult for me to deal with all those accusations while keeping my feelings under control. And when he went to Brunei and I FINALLY GOT OVER IT (seriously, telling my close friends helped LOADS � love you dears!), he was pretty cold and sent me some other accusing messages. Said he was single as far as he was concerned, that he had given up all hope on me. Fine, maybe I was at fault for having my crush, but I had NEVER ONCE let the other party know that I was interested and had ALWAYS made it clear that I was committed to my relationship. And I was just so tired of everything, tired of crying all those weeks, tired of trying so hard, tired of living in such a strained relationship, tired because I know I am at fault and ought to make it up, tired of not being able to feel the way I want to feel, tired of pretending to the world that I am happy� To be honest, we had drifted so far apart since the start of the semester. Even before the horrible episode, I already wanted to leave because I felt so unappreciated and tired� Yet I feel as though I will never have a genuine choice, I can never leave�

Everyone tells me �6 years 6 years 6 years�, he just messaged to tell me that he misses me, I know he really loves me and generally treats me well, I know leaving is a super selfish choice on my part, I know it�s a really bad thing to do while he�s in NS, I know that I would want him to be committed too if the situations were reversed� I know I�ll eventually stay and try to work it out, but sometimes, I feel that it�s just an obligation, not a true, genuine choice.

Sometimes I think life is so amazing, that someone up there has a skewed sense of humor. Those who have known me since forever will know that I am one of the most committed, devoted girls ever and now? I�m actually in this horrible situation because of some transient screwed-up crush WHOM I DO NOT EVEN LIKE ANYMORE.

I used to think that I was super immune to guys, that I was strong and heartless. Dears, please don�t make the same assumption. Sometimes, surprising things happen. And it�s always the worst when you�re totally unprepared and vulnerable. Seriously, when it happened, it took me all my self-control not to express any interest, and I really don�t want to know what would have happened if it were mutual.

At least it�s over.

Urgh, life sux.

liane

14th april 2008

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