Faith

“Where are you, Hutch?” I say the words out loud knowing I’ll get no response. It’s been four days now. Where are you? I’ve asked that question a million times. Not only to myself, but also to Dobey, to Huggy, to everyone I encounter. I’ve been searching for you all over this city. Looking day and night, and I keep asking the same question over and over.

I got back Sunday night like I told you I would. And, of course, I hurried over to your place only to find the door ajar and your apartment destroyed. How many times has that happened, buddy? Now, I’m sitting here on your bed, exhausted, but I can’t stop. I have to keep looking for you. I know you’re alive. When I told Dobey that today, he asked me how I knew. I said I couldn’t explain it, but I know how I would feel deep in my heart if you were dead, and—in the absence of that feeling—I know you are still alive. I told him it was as simple as that. He raised his eyebrows like he always does and looked at me skeptically, but he didn’t say anything. He just told me to get back out on the street. Funny, how when I hit the street, it brought me here.

You said it would be a quiet weekend for you. What did you get yourself into? Dobey’s been pulling every case you’ve ever worked on. Everyone’s working extra hours trying to find you. But no one is searching harder than I am. I just don’t know where to go next. I’m getting so tired I can’t think clearly. Dobey ordered me to go home, to take a shower and get some sleep. I tried; I really did. But my place is too quiet. I need you there nagging me, I guess.

So I came here instead. Figured the plants need some watering. Your mail needs picking up. But who am I kidding? I need to be here because it’s the closest to you I can get, at least until I figure it all out. I want to think being here will help.

I hope you don’t mind, but I’m gonna lie down on your bed for a while. I don’t think I’ll sleep much. I really don’t think I’ll be able to sleep at all until I find you. Anytime I try, I wake myself up screaming from the nightmares that haunt me. So, being awake just makes more sense. Problem is, I’m moving a little slower now, and I’m afraid that means I’ll miss something—something important.

I’ve tried retracing your steps, Hutch, but they don’t seem to lead anywhere. Your mail from Saturday was still sitting on the kitchen table, just where you’d left it. Funny, how when almost everything else in your apartment is destroyed, your mail still sits there, as if it’s waiting for you. But you never opened it. Is that when it happened? Or did you just leave it there to open later?

I’m lying here staring at your ceiling. Did you know there’s a spider building a web in the corner? Looks like he’s been at it for a few days. There’s a fly stuck in the middle of his web. Funny how that makes me think of you. You’re a fly stuck in somebody’s web. With the flick of a broom, I could wipe out the web on the ceiling. I could create a little havoc in that spider’s life. I plan on creating havoc in the life of the spider that’s holding you. Problem is, I have to find him first. No, I have to find you first. Then, I’ll go after the spider.

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What’s that noise? Jerked awake by the sound, I reach for my gun, still in its holster, and roll onto the floor and move silently toward the door. Someone’s outside. Have they returned to search for something else? Afraid to breathe, to make a sound, I wait, but no one’s tried to enter yet, and I’ve heard no other sound. Ramrod straight against the wall, I place a hand on the doorknob and then jerk it open, going low, my gun aimed…

Dropping my gun to my side, I suck in some air, allowing my heart to beat once again, and straighten up. It’s only a stray cat. Probably the stray you’ve told me about, the one you’ve been feeding. Leaving the door open, I head to the refrigerator knowing you’d want me to take care of him. I can't help but chuckle ’cause the black-and-white cat follows me in, meowing all the way. It’s pretty obvious this is a familiar routine, buddy. Placing a bowl of milk on the floor, I lean back against the counter, watching the cat hungrily lap the milk, then I kneel down to reassure it. “Don’t worry, kitty, Blondie will be back soon. Just need a little time and a little faith.”

You’re good at taking in strays, aren’t you? Look at your history. First Jeannie, and then Gillian. Both of them were strays, both homeless of sorts, I guess. Both needing someone to care for them—to love them. But, heck, who am I kidding? I’m probably your biggest stray, aren’t I? I certainly need you to watch my back, and you sure know how to care for me, regardless of the cost to you. You’ve spent a lot of sleepless nights taking care of me, and what have I done in return? Hung around. You can’t seem to get rid of this stray, can you? I guess that’s because you finally taught me to believe in myself, and I’m afraid if I leave, that old self-doubt will return. Oh, sure, I show the world the smart, street-wise Starsky, but you know the real me. And despite that, or maybe because of it, you always hang in there, relentlessly sticking by my side. I’ve probably never told you that you’re the reason I believe in myself. You always told me to have faith, especially in those first days at the Academy. If it hadn’t’ve been for your faith in me, I would’ve given up right from the start. You always had faith in me.

Faith. I’m the one who needs it now. I know I’ll find you, buddy. Sometimes it all seems so hard. Just hang in there a little longer for me, will ya? Something will break. I know it, even if no one else does. I know the captain’s giving up, even if he doesn’t say it. I stopped by Huggy’s yesterday. Went in to see if he had any news. He’s been leaving no stone unturned, pulling in lots of favors. But we don’t seem to be getting anywhere. He’s trying to keep up a brave front for me, but I think he’s startin’ to have some doubts, too. I can’t lose faith, Hutch. I can’t lose you.

When I left Huggy’s yesterday, he said something to me. Something I keep trying to remember. He told me to “keep the faith.” And that’s what I’m trying to do, Hutch. I’m keepin’ the faith, buddy. You always had faith in me, and you taught me to believe in myself. Believe me when I say, regardless of how long it takes, I will find you.

I will….

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