It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
It matters not whether you win or lose. It matters whether I win or lose.
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings."
Isn't it scary how doctors call their work "practice"
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people are crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are OK, you're it.
Hope that your sole purpose in life is not to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead, do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow, do not walk beside me either, just leave me the hell alone.
If barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her all of her friends?"
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
The problem with the designated driver program is that it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Ah, yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Then someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.
Women are okay, but I find it difficult to trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
How does a fool and his money GET together?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you throw a cat out the window, does it become kitty litter?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do?
History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned without a receipt.
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
How many roads must a man travel down ... before he admits he is lost.
Don't be sexist - broads hate that.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Boldly going nowhere
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Headaches are all in your mind.
Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
Be careful about reading health books-you might die from a misprint.
Marriage is not a word but a sentence.
Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember- all men are strange.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Meandering to a different drummer.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So, I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A Truck!"
I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm gonna mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
I went down to Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said "Well what else would I want it for?"
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers..damn anthropologists.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop, don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said "Like what?" I said "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said "Religious." I said "Me too! Are you Christian or Bhuddist?" He said "Christian." I said "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said "Protestant." I said "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or baptist?" He said "Baptist!" I said "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of God or baptist church of the lord?" He said "Baptist church of God!" I said "Me too! Are you original baptist church of God or reformed bapist church of God?" He said "Reformed baptist church of God!" I said "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of God, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said "Die heretic scum," and pushed him off.
At my lemonade stand I used to give out the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King: you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
You ask a girl to dance and get rejected, you reply, "No, you misunderstood, I said you look fat in those pants."
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner.
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
I need someone really bad ... are you really bad?
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
Jesus loves you ... everyone else thinks your an asshole.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
Star Wars Jokes
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