You Bring Me Joy

(Like a Best Friend Should)

Chapter Three

7. Valentine’s Day Powerbonding

It’s difficult trying to watch two things at once, Justin realizes. The game is a good one; his team plays well. Justin has been looking forward to this all week. But for all that anticipation, the basketball game is nowhere as interesting all of a sudden as watching Josh. Justin gnaws on the pizza they had delivered and tries not to be nervous as Josh inspects his home—his massive collection of vinyl and CDs, his tangled wire of video game hookups, his dog-eared books, his photos of relatives and friends and…others. He would have liked to tidy up a bit before having company. He’d said as much when Josh first walked in. Josh had said “pshaw”—actually used the word pshaw—and immediately started in with the compliments. Now Josh slowly moves around the living room, looking and only asking questions during commercial breaks. He doesn’t touch, doesn’t pry too much, but shows interest. Justin really likes that Josh is interested in him…his apartment anyway.

At halftime Josh settles on the couch and the two talk. At first about work, and the guys. They laugh at Lance, Chris and Joey’s antics. Justin fills Josh in on all the company information that he won’t get from the employee handbook: the cleanest bathrooms, the dreaded mandatory quarterly meetings, the scary VP with the bad toupee and worse breath. Soon enough the discussion turns to life before Zeeks, and Justin finds himself talking a lot more than he’d expected to. Josh encourages him, leaning an elbow on the back of Justin’s couch as he smiles at Justin’s stories about college.

“I’m talking your ear off, aren’t I?” Justin asks.

“No, go ahead. I’m interested,” Josh asserts. He sips his beer and glances at the TV, giving Justin a view of his profile, his high cheekbones, his splendidly large nose.

“Well, what about you?” Justin inquires, moving a little closer to Josh on the couch. “Tell me about—”

“Aren’t you missing the game?” Josh asks, tilting his head toward the TV. He quickly turns back to Justin and gently touches the very tip of his knee. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I just didn’t want you to miss…anything.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Justin faces forward—he’d been angled towards Josh for a long time without realizing it—crosses his legs and stares at the screen. Nothing is said for a while. Justin sees out of the corner of his eye that Josh is looking at him.

“I could really go for some ice cream.” The smile on Josh’s face is infectious. Justin reaches for his keys.

“There’s a 7-11 on the corner. If I miss anything good, you owe me big!” Justin pronounces as he scrambles for his coat. Josh holds the door open for him.

“I’ll buy you dinner. How’s that?” Justin nods as he walks past. He can’t say a word.

Later, Josh and Justin sit on the couch, talking, barely paying attention to the TV, and sharing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. It is the only flavor they could agree upon. The other thing they agreed upon being that they would not, should not eat too much. Somehow they bypassed bowls. Justin had the spoons, and before they knew it they were eating out of the same container. Normally too fussy to share a bottle or can with someone, Justin is totally at ease with the idea of sharing Josh’s cooties. They both sit cross-legged, very close, the pint resting cold on Justin’s thigh. He doesn’t really notice the chill.

“So. Tell me something about you,” Justin says suddenly, after a very short lull. A lull during which Josh was licking ice cream from the bottom of his spoon. Josh raises an eyebrow. “Something, I don’t know. Interesting.”

“Oh! I’m not interesting enough?” Josh jokes.

“No! You know what I meant,” Justin utters, and playfully nudges Josh’s side. Josh nudges back.

“What do you want to know?” Josh asks softly as he scoops down into the container. He slips a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth very slowly as he looks at Justin, waiting. Justin tries to not be obvious as he watches Josh’s lips. He clears his throat and loosens a chunk of toffee with his spoon.

“I don’t know. Nevermind. It was a silly idea, I guess—”

“I can do backflips!” Josh says around his spoon. “And I can walk on my hands. For about 10 feet.” Justin smiles at him, urging him to continue. “I took a gymnastics for about 5 minutes when I was younger. I can’t do half of what I could then, but I’m still pretty limber.” He arches his back, stretching his neck backward as he yawns, pressing his chest forward as his eyes crinkle up in a warm smile.

“Tired?” Justin asks, and hopes to God the answer is no.

“Not at all,” Josh answers, and then gropes for more ice cream. His hand brushes against Justin’s with his effort, but neither man moves. “You?” Justin shakes his head. “Good. Ok, your turn. Tell me something.”

“Nothing to tell,” Justin says softly. “I’m pretty run of the mill.” Josh stops eating and looks at Justin seriously.

“I don’t believe that for a second.” There’s an uncomfortable silence as they wait for the other to speak. Josh sighs and takes the pint from Justin and places it on the coffee table—on top of a coaster. Justin likes that. A lot. “Tell me something about you, Justin.” He leans his elbow against the top of the couch, smiling at Justin as he licks his sticky lips clean. “I really want to know.”

“What—what do you want to know?” Justin holds his breath as Josh thinks.

“Have you ever been in love?” Josh just looks at him with curious eyes. He makes Justin nervous, but not in a gotta-get-outta-here way. In a butterflies-in-the-stomach way.

“I, um,” stammers Justin, stalling. “That’s kinda personal, isn’t it?”

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Josh mumbles, looking embarrassed.

“No! I mean, uh, why do you want to know that?”

“I just do, I guess,” Josh declares, looking at his legs. Justin looks at them, too. They are long and lean and tight. For a second Justin wonders what those legs would feel like against his. Just a second, which is longer than he’s allowed similar thoughts he’s had for two weeks. There’s another awkward pause, and Justin decides to let his guard down a little…if it will mean Josh will stay longer.

“I’ll tell you, if you tell me.” He blushes at the juvenility of it all.

“Ok.”

“Ok.” Justin looks at his hands when he says, “No. I’ve never really been in love.” He waits for some reaction. “Does that shock you?”

“No, Justin.”

“Do you feel sorry for me?”

“No.” Justin looks up, surprised at the response. “I don’t feel sorry for you, Justin, because I know that when you do fall in love, it’ll be with a—with someone so incredible that it’ll be worth the wait.” Justin knows he’s staring now, and for the first time he doesn’t care. Josh stares back. It’s awkward and it’s weird and it’s warm and it’s new and it’s scary all at the same time.

“How do you know?” Justin whispers. “You don’t even know me.”

“That’s why I’m here.” Josh looks away, then quickly back at Justin, his eyes uncertain. “Ok?”

“Ok.” Justin blushes as they settle into an easy silence for few moments, watching the TV. The game is nearing its end, but Justin doesn’t even care anymore. “Have you ever been in love, Josh?”

“Yes.” Justin nods his head, but the butterflies die down a little. “A few times, actually. Each one worse than the next.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” Josh says, a small smile starting on his lips. “Because now I know what I want.” He looks Justin straight in the eyes. “I want the real thing. I want true love.” Justin blinks, his chest and his stomach and his face burning, but he doesn’t look away. He doesn’t want to look away.

“Do you think you’ll find it?” Justin whispers.

“I hope to God I find it, Justin,” Josh sighs. Justin utters a soft, “me, too” but he doesn’t hear himself say it. The butterflies’ wings are like thunder in his ears.

Hours later, the ice cream pint empty, the basketball game long over, Josh is still on Justin’s couch. They sip coffee as they talk, about their families and education and friends and music and hobbies. Somehow they never discuss past or present love lives. Justin isn’t sure if they are avoiding it, or if it just hasn’t come up yet. He doesn’t want to push, but he wants to know. He really wants to know. Just as he decides to finally simply ask, Josh catches a glimpse of Justin’s watch.

“Oh. Is that the time?” Josh peeps. He gently grabs Justin’s wrist and leans forward, tilting his head for a better look. Justin lets him, taking advantage of the closeness to smell Josh’s wild curls. Wonderful. “It’s late, Justin. I should get going.” Justin nods even though inside he’s disappointed. “I’m glad we did this,” Josh says as he puts his coat on in the foyer. Justin leans against the wall and watches Josh run fingers through his hair. “Ugh, this hair. I should just shave my head.”

“Don’t do that!” Justin smiles so he won’t feel so silly. “It’s too cold for that, believe me. The only reason I’m leaving my hair this long is to keep my head warm during the winter,” Justin says as he rubs fingers through his short light brown curls. “Once spring comes, I’m shaving this mess again.”

“Why?” Josh asks as he comes nearer, looking closely at Justin’s soft curls. “It looks good.” He smiles shyly. “Um…may I?” Justin sighs like he’s been asked this a hundred times before—and he has—and leans down so Josh can touch his hair. “Man. So soft. It’s beautiful, Justin. Don’t cut it.” Justin closes his eyes and leans into the touch. “I gotta confess, I’ve been wanting to touch you—your hair—all night.” Justin shivers but doesn’t move.

“You should see it when it grows longer,” Justin says with eyes closed, enjoying Josh’s hand on his neck. “I’ve got a total ‘fro, man.”

“I saw a picture,” Josh says, pointing his head toward the living room. “And I saw a picture of you with a shaved head, too.” He rubs Justin softly, watching Justin’s curls bounce around his fingers. “You look good…I mean, you look ok with whatever…your hair…you look good no matter what.” Josh pulls his hand away from Justin’s head. They look at each other, suddenly aware that they’re standing very close. “Oh, I’m sorry, I guess I messed you up, huh?” Josh reaches up to smooth Justin’s hair back into place. Justin lets him. “I guess people do this all the time, and you hate it.”

“Yes! And…no. I don’t mind…sometimes.” Josh finishes and reaches down to zip his coat. Justin can’t resist. His hand is in Josh’s almost shoulder length chestnut curls before he can think. Josh smiles brightly and closes his eyes while Justin plays with his hair.

“We’re like a couple of schoolgirls,” Josh says warmly.

“Or a couple of orangutans cleaning bugs off each other.” Josh chuckles and nudges Justin with his hip.

“Then I should definitely cut my fur!”

“Don’t.” Justin looks Josh dead in the eyes. “I like your hair just the way it is, Josh. Don’t cut it.”

“I won’t then.” Satisfied, Justin slips his hand out of Josh’s hair and gently pushes him to the door.

“Go home, Josh,” Justin says, even though what he wants is the exact opposite.

“Ok, Ok, I know when I’m not wanted!” Josh jokes as he takes out his keys. “Golly!”

“Golly?” Justin smiles at him. “You’re kinda corny, aren’t you?”

“I’m kinda a lot of things,” Josh says proudly as he tosses his hair. “But I guess you don’t want to know—”

“Aw, c’mon. I want to know. It’s just…late.” Justin yawns against his will. “I want to know…everything.”

“Everything?” Josh asks, yawning himself. Justin nods shyly. “Ok, let me think. Ok. What if we, um…ok. Every day at work, we’ll tell each other something new. Like, we’ll email each other some random piece of information, or we’ll answer each other’s questions or something, um, you know, like that?” Justin can’t help smiling at how Josh rambles when he gets excited. And he’s glad that he feels comfortable enough with Josh to point out these little foibles. Foibles can be endearing. Everything about Josh is endearing.

“That sounds good,” Justin says. “But what about the weekends?” Josh gives him an odd look, and suddenly Justin is scared that he’s overstepped. “I mean, we don’t have to—”

“Justin—”

“Because, you know, there’s work friends and weeknight work friends and weekend work friends and I didn’t—”

“Justin!” Josh places 2 fingers against Justin’s lips to shut him up. “And I thought I rambled!” Justin takes a deep breath, so he won’t do something really stupid like kiss Josh’s fingers. Soon enough they’re gone, and Josh is rummaging through his satchel. Justin giggles.

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to tell you. Nice manpurse,” Justin says with a smirk.

“It’s a unisex carryall, you cretin,” Josh mumbles, but smiles when he says it. He finds a piece of paper and starts scribbling on it. He’s writing down his phone number. Justin wants to scream. Josh hands Justin the piece of paper. “You know, in case you want to start early,” he states with that crinkly-eyed smile. “Unless that would be, like, worlds colliding.”

“Too late to stop it now,” Justin says as he pockets the paper. He wants to cringe at how girly he is—how girly they both have been tonight—but he won’t. He’s too happy.

“Well, I guess I’ll go now.” Josh reaches for the door, but Justin opens it for him. Josh nods and walks outside into a blast of cold wind. “Whew!” he yelps, his voice going up as he braces himself. He turns back to Justin and smiles. His hair whips around his face wildly. He’s beautiful.

“I had fun tonight,” Josh says frankly. “Thanks for inviting me.”

“Thanks for coming.” Justin feels raw and exposed. Probably just the cold air. “I had fun, too.” Josh nods, and Justin braces himself from the wind. “Oh, yeah. Happy Valentine’s Day.” Josh smiles, nods his head and gives a cute little bow.

“Happy Valentine’s Day to you, Justin.” Justin smiles too, and wonders when was the last time he’d wished someone a happy Valentine’s Day and actually meant it.

“Thanks.” Justin hopes he isn’t blushing. “Have a great weekend, man.”

“You, too.” Josh starts to walk to his car, then he stops. “Justin?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we friends yet?”

“Absolutely.”

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