*Nsync
on the red carpet
The paparazzi were out in full force
as stars, their entourages, and entertainment press crammed the red carpet
leading to the Holmes-Stryker Theatrical Pavilion. An award show of such magnitude always draws
a huge crowd of spectators, and that night was no exception. Fans teemed at the sidelines, hoping to catch
a glimpse of their favorite celebrities.
“I’m here on the red carpet at the
AFEA’s, and let me tell you the stars are out tonight!” said a very
enthusiastic correspondent into the camera that accompanied him. “It’s the industry’s biggest night, and all
the celebrities have come out to party!”
He looked to his right when he heard a swell in the already loud
buzz. “Ladies and gentlemen, the biggest
stars of the night have just arrived—let’s see if I can catch ‘em!” He made his way through the crowd, passing
men in tuxedos and women in barely there evening gowns, and beat his
competitors to be the first to interview the objects of everyone’s attention.
“Hey, it’s *Nsync! Guys, can I talk to ya?” he said excitedly to
the five designer-clad young men in front of him. They stopped and waved at the cameras and
cheering fans, flashbulbs reflecting in their Ray-Bans. The correspondent waved them down. “Doug with A! Entertainment…how you
guys doing tonight?”
“We’re glad to be here, glad to be
here,” said JC, all smiles.
“You guys have had a wonderful
year,” Doug continued, eager to keep their attention. “Your second release has broken every sales
record known to man, and you’re up for almost every award tonight, including
the coveted Best of the Best Award. How
great is that…Justin?”
“It’s just an honor to be
nominated,” he said into the camera.
“We’ve had such great luck this year, we can hardly believe it.”
“Is there one award you guys really
want more than the others?” Doug asked Chris.
“We don’t care, we’d just like to
win one, you know?” Chris answered.
“This is any performer’s dream come
true,” Joey added, indicating the loud cheering crowd. “Even if we don’t win, it’s still a great
party.”
“So what’s up next for *Nsync?”
pressed the correspondent as the guy’s publicists urged them on their way.
“We’re working on our next
project. It’ll be hot!” Lance said with
a sly grin just as they were whisked away to another pre-show interview.
“Ok, thanks guys!” Doug yelled after
them. He turned back to the camera. “Well, ladies and gentlemen—the men of
*Nsync, by far the favorites in every category.
We’ll see how many statues they rack up tonight at the 27th Annual Adult
Film Entertainment Awards!”
“And the Golden Willy for best Money
Shot goes to…” a busty, over-made up blonde bombshell said excitedly from the
podium. She opened the envelope and
smiled as she screamed, “Joey Fatone in ‘No Cream Attached!’” The audience erupted in applause as Joey
bashfully rose from his seat, surrounded by his beaming co-stars, and walked up
to the stage to accept his second award of the night.
“Wow!” he said as the blonde gave
him a phallic-shaped golden statue, a kiss on the cheek, and her phone number
on a piece of paper. “What can I
say? I can’t believe it. Guys, can you believe it?” he said, looking
out into the audience at his buddies, who had already racked up 7 awards
between them. “You do the work, and you
hope people like it. But the response to
‘No Cream Attached’ has been phenomenal.
I just want to thank God, and the rest of *Nsync—the best friends and
coworkers a porn star could ever have!
Thanks!”
“And now to present the award for
best foreign film,” said the announcer, “the winners of the Best Ménage a Trois
Scene, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, and Lance Bass!” The three stars walked out arm in arm to the
podium.
“The competition in this year’s
category is quite…stiff,” Britney said, rolling her eyes, as the audience
laughed.
“That’s right,” Lance added, reading
the teleprompter. “The Academy voters
sure had a hard time deciding on this one,” he said, not even realizing he
missed the pun of the joke.
“And the nominees are,” Justin said
as clips of each nominated movie showed on the screen behind them, “‘Glad he
ate her’…‘The Sixth Inch’…‘Crouch on the tiger / Slide in the Dragon’…‘American
Booty’…and ‘Thirteen Lays.’” He opened
the envelope. “And the Willy goes
to…‘Glad he ate her’, directed by AJ McLean.”
“I’m standing here with winner of
the Best Director award for ‘No Cream Attached’, Mr. JC Chasez. How does it feel to win your first directing
award?” a commentator asked JC backstage during the ceremony.
“It’s great. We worked really hard on this film, but I
really have to thank the fans,” JC said.
“Without them, we’d probably still be making underground smut films in
“Was it difficult to act in and
direct your best friends in those intimate scenes?”
“No, we’re all very professional. Sometimes Chris likes to play practical jokes
on everyone during shooting, but every once in a while those mistakes make it
into the finished film.”
“You wouldn’t be talking about the
infamous ferret scene, would you?” the wide-eyed reporter asked.
“Yes! It wasn’t in the original script, but that
little critter was more than cooperative.”
“Are you surprised at the number of
awards the film has garnered so far?”
“We’re completely taken by
surprise! I was sure we were gonna lose
for Best Appendage to Kevin Richardson for ‘The Inside Her.’ But I’m certainly glad the Academy chose to
honor my buddy Chris Kirkpatrick. He’s
worked very hard.”
The audience in the Holmes-Stryker
Pavillion squirmed in their seats during a break, eagerly awaiting the
presentation of the Best of the Best award.
“Dudes, I just got propositioned for
the fifth time tonight!” Joey whispered to his friends as he plopped down into
his seat. “These guys keep following me
into the bathroom.”
“Don’t they know you’re not gay?”
Justin asked, leafing through a program.
“I keep telling them that,” Joey
exclaimed, exasperated. “But they keep
saying ‘What about those European movies you guys used to do?’”
“That doesn’t count,” JC cut in
emphatically. “It was just for the
films.”
“Are you sure?” Lance asked. “I mean…we all did—”
“It doesn’t count!”
As the nominees for the Best of the
Best award were being announced, the members of *Nsync crossed their fingers
and prayed that they would be lucky enough to deserve the highest accolade
available in the porn industry. They
gave each other the thumbs up and watched as a clip of their beloved film
played on the screen:
“You sure have a nice voice,” a
young woman behind a desk says to Justin’s character.
“Thanks, ma’am. I want to be a singer.”
“Like in a boyband?” she says,
standing up to reveal her nakedness.
“No…like in a vocal group.” The woman lies down on the desk and reaches
up to undo Justin’s zipper.
“Is that anything like an oral group…er?”
“They call me Thrustin…Thrustin
In-her-cake.”
The audience clapped eagerly as the
clip faded from view. The bandleader
cued a drumroll, and the presenter tore at the envelope.
“And the Best of the Best Golden
Willy goes to…‘No Cream Attached’!” The
guys jumped out of their seats and hugged each other as the audience gave them
a standing ovation. Industry executives
and fellow nominees gave the guys congratulatory backslaps and handshakes as
the five stars and creators of “No cream Attached” took to the stage. The ovation lasted nearly a minute, during
which time they guys gleefully embraced their Willies and basked in their
colleague’s praise.
“I can’t believe it,” beamed JC
tearfully. “This means so much to us, we
can’t…thank…” He turned away from the microphone, too choked up to continue.
“This is the happiest night of my
life,” Joey exclaimed proudly. “I
thought after the huge success of our first film, ‘Night of Hundred Groupies’,
that my life couldn’t get any better.”
He held up his Willy. “This is
for all the guys who dare to dream!”
“This makes all those hours of
practice, all the months of touring the strip clubs, all the time away from our
families—this makes it all worth it!” Justin said. “This one’s for you, ma!”
“You know,” Chris said seriously, “we’ve
won awards from viewers. I mean, what,
we won the Shoot Your Wad award from the Viewers for Quality Porn.”
“That meant a lot,” Justin added.
“Yes, it did. But this one is special—because it comes from
our peers. And that’s just the
highest…the highest acclaim that…that…” and Chris, too, got too choked up for
words.
“We’d like to thank our management
team, and our publicists, and our security, and our very, very patient
families,” Lance announced. “And of
course our fans.”
“Yes,” JC said, drying his eyes,
“our wonderful fans.”
“And we’d also like to thank our
girlfriends,” Lance asserted loudly, though the guys looked surprised at his
outburst. “Our old managers used to tell
us to downplay our personal lives…to present a ‘playboy’ image.” The guys nodded their heads in
agreement. “But we’re here to say that,
though we’ve had sex with over five hundred women between us, we have loving,
meaningful, long lasting—”
“Heterosexual,” whispered JC.
“Heterosexual relationships—with
women!” Lance declared. “And we love our
girlfriends very, very much. Thank
you.” The audience took to their feet
again as the 2001 Best of the Best in Porn winners exited the stage
triumphantly, having won every award for which they were nominated.
“That was great what you said,
Lance,” Joey whispered.
“Thanks,” he replied.
“Here, hold this,” Joey said,
handing Lance his precious Golden Willy.
“I gotta go check out that trophy girl.
She said she wanted to audition for our next movie,” he laughed as he
took off into the crowd.
“Wow,” sighed Chris. “We’re the most honored group of singing sex
industry workers in history.”
“Yeah, buddy,” Justin added, patting
his friends on the back and posing for photographs. “Life doesn’t get any better than this.” JC took out his vibrating cell phone, looked
at the number, and excitedly flipped it open.
“Mom…Dad…we won! We won!”
Copyright
ã February 2001 by KTA