Making it Right

by Zaen

The last show of the tour went by in a blur. Justin's head was still reeling from thinking too much about his recent breakup, thinking too much about how to cover up his recent breakup, and then thinking too much about the reason behind his recent break up. Now that Britney was back to herself she was appearing publicly again; she even came to this, their last show, if only to support her other friends. He watched her and JC try to avoid each other backstage. He watched JC force smiles when anyone was watching, but then hole up in some empty corner when he was alone. Only when Tony was around did he seem to cheer up. Justin didn't like Tony.

When they invited all the tour crew up to thank them, and to say “good bye”, Justin noticed that JC had tears in his eyes. Justin hugged him, wouldn’t let JC push him away, until the lights came all the way up, and security started pulling them offstage. In the car Chris asked him what was wrong, and Justin realized that he was crying, too.

Justin held back during the end of the tour festivities. Everyone thought that he’d be the loudest and brashest at the party, now that he was legal. Instead he sipped bottled water and tried to ignore JC snuggling with Joey and JC downing shots with Chris and especially JC whispering things to that guy Tony. Justin didn't like Tony.

Didn't like him years ago, on the show, when Justin would be telling JC all about his perfect 12 year old jumpshot, or asking JC what girls smell like, or just sitting really close to JC, only to have that guy walk by and avert JC's attention away from himself.

Didn't like him a few years back, right after NSA went through the roof, and JC bowed out of several celebratory parties early so he could go “hang with” that guy Tony, which totally killed Justin's buzz.

Didn't like him now, because that guy was the one JC spent his free time with now, not Justin.

Not that Justin was jealous. Of course he wasn’t jealous. He wasn't exactly sure if there was anything going on between those two. He couldn't very well tell JC who he could and couldn't fuck, not after he'd used him so badly to prove to himself how gay he WASN'T/how straight he WAS/how much he loved Britney.

And now he and Britney were through, and he and JC were like strangers.

But Justin surely wasn’t jealous.

JC still talked to him. He had to, for the band's sake, for the tour's sake. But in the few weeks since they'd slept together, JC had barely 2 words for Justin that weren’t work-related. When Justin told the guys that he and Britney had broken up, JC just nodded his head, squeezed Justin's shoulder, and walked away. Not that Justin had expected more or anything. Not that he'd thought maybe JC would try to console him, maybe all night long. Not that Justin had thought about JC a lot since the breakup, or why he'd chosen JC instead of someone else. Not that he'd thought about JC a lot for the past few months-years. Not that he'd thought about JC almost incessantly since they'd made love.

Made love.

When he'd confessed to Britney, he'd said that he “slept with” JC. When he'd begged for Britney's forgiveness (and gotten it for one hot minute) he'd said that he and JC had only “fucked each other.”

Now, missing JC's friendship, his laugh, his smile, his hugs, his voice, his comfort, his arms, his eyes, his mouth, his body, his lips-his everything-now, he remembered it as making love.

And it scared him. Because he wanted to do it again.

So he watched as JC smiled and chatted with crew and friends and Joey and Lance, and when he couldn’t take it anymore he cornered JC in a bathroom.

“Hey, C, can I talk to you?” Justin asked once he’d determined they were alone.

“What is it?” JC smiled a little bit, and Justin felt encouraged.

“Um, what are you doing after…I mean, now that we’re on break…like…next?”

“What do you care?” JC said, then sighed like he didn’t mean it. “Um…I meant, why do you ask?”

“Jace—will you ever forgive me?” Justin said quickly, before he lost his nerve. Whatever smile was left on JC’s face quickly melted away.

“Let’s just drop it, J.”

“I can’t,” Justin said, and had to make fists to keep from reaching out to touch the friend he missed so much. “We need to talk about this, man.”

“What’s to talk about?” JC asked softly. He looked down at his feet, but his face looked so sad it made Justin want to cry. JC looked up and took a step toward the door. “I should get back—”

“Jos…can I come out to LA sometime soon?” Justin hoped he didn’t sound too desperate.

“I can’t stop you from entering the city,” JC said under his breath, then smiled wearily. He really wasn’t good with the meanness, not like Chris or Justin or even Lance. He was too sweet to be malicious. Justin loved that. He gulped when he realized how many things he really loved about his former best friend.

“I meant, can I come stay with you. For a while.” JC swallowed and shuffled his feet.

“Um, why?”

“Jace, because I want to…I want to fix this.” JC looked at him like he didn’t quite understand the words.

“Fix this?” JC said, indicating the air between the two of them. “This can't be fixed.”

“I think it can,” Justin said slowly, after his stomach stopped fluttering. “We can try at least. Please?”

“J, we have more than a year off…away from each other.” JC wrapped his arms around his thin frame, hugging himself the way Justin wanted to hug him right then. His face hard, deep in thought, he finally looked up at Justin and said, “If that doesn’t fix this…nothing will.”

“What do you mean?” Justin whispered, afraid of the answer. JC stared him in the eye for a long time; only a few seconds, but it was the most eye contact they’d shared since that night.

“What I mean is…if I’m not over you—” Justin gave in and reached for him, snaring JC in a soft embrace before JC sniffed and pulled away. He went to the door, then turned back and said to Justin’s face, “If I’m not over you by the time this break is over...I might not come back at all.” Once JC was gone, Justin headed for the nearest stall, staying there for half an hour, until he was done crying.

At first Justin was angry. He couldn’t believe JC would quit the group just because…because he loved him.

Then Justin was ashamed. He couldn’t believe he’d used JC, when he knew, deep down, even if it was never said, that JC loved him.

Then Justin was regretful. He couldn’t believe he’d broken up with Britney after she’d sorta forgiven him. He couldn’t believe she hadn’t protested. He couldn’t believe he still loved her…but he wasn’t in love with her. Not the way JC was in love with him.

Justin thought about the difference between love and in love as he packed. He was so enthralled with the thoughts swirling in his head that he didn’t notice his doorbell ringing. Always running late, he was so busy making last minute phone calls confirming travel arrangements and security that he didn’t even hear his front door open. He shrieked when he walked into his room and found JC sitting on his bed.

“I rang. Several times,” JC said as he fingered the keys that Justin had given him years ago. Months ago, before all this, Justin would have pounced on him and given him noogies and wet willies for scaring him. Now he just caught his breath and waited for JC to talk. “I just came to…but I see you’re on your way out.” Justin held his hands out, shaking his head, to keep JC right there, where he wanted him, in his house. In his room. On his bed.

“You came to…what?” Justin asked softly as he gauged how fast he could lock and secure the door, so JC couldn’t escape.

“I shouldn’t have said…that,” JC said softly, sadly, looking at his feet. “It wasn’t fair. Of me. To say that.” He looked at Justin briefly, then back down. “We’ve worked so hard for this. I won’t quit. I’m sorry I said that. In case you were worrying.”

“Of course I was worrying—” Justin cut himself off before he angered JC. “I’m glad you’re staying. I’m glad you’re here.” There was a long pause while JC fiddled with the keys, looking everywhere but at Justin.

“Well, that’s all I came to say.” JC started to get up, and Justin started to panic.

“Jace, don’t go.” Justin quickly moved to stand right in front of JC and placed an unsteady hand on his shoulder. “Please talk to me.” JC sighed and looked over at Justin’s suitcase.

“I don’t want to make you late—”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Justin said with a small smile. When JC looked up at him with question in his eyes, Justin smiled wider and said, “I thought I’d surprise you. I was, um, going to come visit you.” JC smiled a little, and Justin could tell he was fighting it. “I didn’t know you were still in town.” When JC didn’t say anything else, Justin reluctantly pulled his hand away from JC’s shoulder. He sighed when he realized that he missed the physical contact. JC just stared at him. “So, um, you’re still here. Where are you staying?”

“With a friend,” JC said and walked over to Justin’s suitcase.

“Tony?”

“Why, J?” JC asked, sounding curious as opposed to annoyed. Justin took that as a good sign.

“Just asking.” Justin could hear the lie in his voice. He assumed JC could too, as well as they knew each other, but he didn’t mention it. He just nodded and looked at the pile of clothes sticking out of the top of Justin’s luggage.

“Isn’t this mine?” JC asked playfully. He dug his hand into Justin’s bag and pulled out the sleeve of a worn, soft hooded sweatshirt. “I thought I’d lost this.” Justin’s face went pink. “How long have you had this, Justin?”

“I think—say that again.”

“What?”

“Say it again,” Justin said softly, crossing the floor quickly, placing a nervous hand on JC’s. “Say it again.”

“How long have you had this…Justin.” JC looked a bit confused, but he smiled brightly.

“It’s nice to hear you say my name,” Justin said, squeezing JC’s hand. “You haven’t called me Justin since…you know.” JC’s smile disappeared and Justin’s heart sank again.

“I should go,” JC said, but he didn’t move, he didn’t pull his hand away. “I guess I saved you a trip.”

“No, C. We have to talk. Please.” Justin quickly wrapped his arms around JC and wouldn’t let go when JC protested. “Please talk to me. I miss you so much.” JC sighed heavily, but he didn’t move. He let Justin hug him for a long, silent moment. Then his hands came around Justin’s waist. Justin almost cried.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” JC said against Justin’s cheek.

“Don’t say that,” Justin whispered, pulling JC closer to him. “I miss you, honey.”

“Justin, don’t—”

“I want to work this out. Please, Jace.” Justin caressed JC’s back, slowly smoothing JC’s T-shirt until suddenly his hand was underneath, touching the small of JC’s bare back. JC shivered in his arms, but still didn’t move away.

“There’s nothing to say. Oh.” JC made a soft surprised purring sound when he felt Justin’s hands slipping down just under his waistband, idly caressing the very top of his ass. Justin was a little surprised himself that he did it. He didn’t stop, though. “What’s done is done, J. We made a mistake.” Justin looked JC in the eye.

“Jace…I’m not so sure anymore.” JC frowned and pulled himself out of Justin’s arms. Justin’s throat constricted, but he calmed down when JC walked to the window opposite the bedroom door.

“Justin,” JC said, looking down at his hands, “if this is because you’re lonely—”

“No, Josh. It’s not.” Their eyes met; Justin knew JC was looking for honesty. JC nodded his head when he realized Justin was telling the truth.

“What do you want from me, Justin?”

“I want…I want. I want my best friend back.” It wasn’t the first thing to come to Justin’s mind, but it was the least frightening thing. He did want their friendship to go back to the way it was, but he was afraid to admit that there was something else he wanted. And he wasn’t even exactly sure what it was.

“It’s not that easy,” JC said, looking out the window. He looked so sad, and Justin wanted so much to take back everything that happened. Almost everything.

“I’m sorry that things turned out like this,” Justin said as he slowly approached JC. “The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you, you’ve gotta know that.”

“So why did you…” JC wrapped his arms around his middle again and turned to face Justin with accusatory eyes. “Why did you come to me? Why of all the men out there that would kill to…be with you?” JC sniffed, but his eyes were clear. “Why me?”

“I was so confused, C,” Justin said. He wrung his hands nervously. “I needed to know if I…who I am. Who I want to be with. I thought the only way to know for sure was to sleep with another man—”

“But why me, Justin?” JC said with as much anger as his sad, defeated body would allow. “You could have found a guy anywhere. Someone who wouldn’t tell.”

“Josh!” Now it was Justin who sounded angry. “Is that what you think? That I went to you because you were safe?” JC didn’t answer, but the look on his face said yes. “Fuck, Josh! I didn’t just come to you because you were the only guy I thought I could be with. I came to you because you were the only guy I wanted to be with.” JC bit his lip and backed away from Justin, going back to sit on the foot of Justin’s bed.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to say to that,” JC said softly. Justin followed him and knelt down on the floor between JC’s legs, laying his hands on JC’s thighs, partly to comfort him, partly to keep him from leaving.

“Josh, I’m so sorry I hurt you. Our friendship means the world to me. I trust you, and I felt comfortable…being with you.” JC looked away, but Justin pulled his chin, forcing JC to meet his eyes. “I was scared when…everything happened. Because it forced me to think about things that I’ve never wanted to think about.” Justin swallowed hard and tried to find the right words. “I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want to…to—”

“Be gay?” JC asked solemnly. Justin nodded just as solemnly. JC looked down, and Justin leaned forward, pressing his forehead against JC’s.

“It scared me. It still does. I know you’re not scared by it, and I love that, man,” Justin whispered, squeezing JC’s leg. “I do, I admire you for it. But for me…I’m not there yet. I never wanted to be gay.” He laid his head in JC’s lap. “I don’t know how to be gay, Josh.”

“I don’t want you to be gay,” JC said, patting Justin’s head. “I want you to be you.” And suddenly Justin was crying. He didn’t even see it coming.

“I’m scared, Josh,” Justin whimpered against JC’s leg. “I’m scared of losing everything.”

“I know,” JC said. “It’s not fair. To lose everything because of who you love.” Justin looked up at JC and sobbed when he saw tears in his eyes.

“Right now,” Justin said, “I’m scared that you’ll leave.” JC wiped Justin’s tears away, and shivered when Justin kissed his fingertips. “Josh, I was scared. Scared that I had…that I could be attracted to a man. That I could sleep with…men. That I wouldn’t love—like Britney anymore. But that’s not the case. I liked her because of the person she is inside. And that’s who I want to be with—someone I love for the person they are, not the sex they are.”

“But you broke up with her, Justin,” JC said. He bit his lower lip. “Why?”

“Because…I kept wanting it to be like…how it is with…the guys. With you, Josh,” Justin whispered. He pulled JC to the very end of the bed and wrapped his arms around JC’s waist. “I wanted me and her to be able to laugh and joke and play and talk and…everything. I wanted to feel with her the way I feel…with you.” JC smiled as another tear fell down his cheek. “I wanted her to be you, JC.”

“You don’t have to say that,” JC said, fighting a smile.

“It’s true. And then…after…I still wanted her to be you. Because you…loved me enough to be with me, even though you knew…I mean, you thought—”

“That you didn’t love me back.” JC fought back a sob. He sniffed and said with a shaky voice, “I guess I used you, too. I’m sorry, Justin.”

“Josh, sweetie, I’m not sorry. I’m sorry for why it happened, but I’m not sorry it happened.” Justin pulled JC down to the floor and held him tightly. He whispered in JC’s ear, “I’m not sorry that we made love. I wanted to. I wanted you.”

“But it was a mistake,” JC said. “I…we…took advantage. Shouldn’t have happened.”

“No, don’t say that,” Justin whispered. He wiped the tears from JC’s face and gazed at him. “I wanted it. Wanted you. Want you.” JC blinked, startled.

“But, I thought you didn’t want to be—”

“JC, the only thing that scares me more than admitting that I’m…that I like…guys…is the thought of losing you.” JC sighed, eyes closed, the tension leaving his body bone by bone, muscle by muscle. Justin kissed him gently, loving how good it felt to taste JC’s lips again. “I was so scared when you said you’d leave,” he whispered against JC’s lips. “Please don’t leave me, Josh.”

“I could never leave you,” JC said plainly. “Even though I should. I don’t have the strength. I can’t stand to be away from you.”

“Josh.” Justin pulled him close and they kissed deeper, slipping tongues into mouths, running hands through hair.

“This isn’t fair,” JC said when Justin left his lips for his cheek. “You knew how I feel about you. Can’t…trust…you,” JC whispered around Justin’s tongue in his mouth.

“I know, baby.” Justin took JC’s hand, interlaced their fingers, and kissed each and every one of JC’s fingertips. “I’m sorry I was so scared back then. I was so stupid. I don’t deserve a second chance…but I’m asking for one.”

“Justin, if you hurt me again…it’ll kill me.” Justin cringed inside; the thought of JC hurt, dying—dead—even metaphorically speaking, made Justin lightheaded. Sick. Ashamed.

“Please, give me a chance, Josh.” Justin kissed him and placed his hand over JC’s thumping heart. “Give me the chance to earn your love.” JC looked uncertain, and Justin was afraid again. “Please. Please.” He kept whispering “please” in between kisses to JC’s lips and chin and neck and behind his ears, until JC was breathing heavily and Justin was nearly sobbing again. “Jace, please forgive me.”

“Justin.” JC pulled Justin’s hands from around him and held them firmly. “Justin, are you sure?” He gazed at Justin, a look of pleading and desperation and want and need and fear in his glassy eyes. “Is it just a man you want…or is it me?”

“You…you…you.” With every kiss Justin said it again, with more force, with more honesty, with hands all over JC, with tongue sliding between lips, hot breath against cheeks. Justin held JC tight, like his life depended on it, and sniffed into his neck. “Want to be yours, Josh,” he whispered. “I want to be your best friend again.” JC pulled away and lifted Justin’s chin so he’d look him in the eye.

“That’s all you want?” JC asked. “I can’t—I can’t just be friends again, Justin.” JC’s eyes leaked, and Justin was overcome by a sense of terror. That JC would walk out of his life, or that they would never be close again. Or that JC would stop loving him.

“Jace—”

“I can’t Justin. Not now, I’m sorry,” JC whispered, and tried to move out of Justin’s arms.

“No! JC, please,” Justin begged, holding his shivering friend in his arms. “I need you. I want to be your best friend. I want to be your partner.” He wiped his eyes, then JC’s. “I want to be your…boyfriend.” JC looked at him hopefully. “I want to be your lover.” JC took a deep breath.

“Are you sure?” he whispered, eyes closed. “Are you sure you want me? Just me?” It hurt Justin, actually made his chest hurt, to think that JC didn’t know how much Justin wanted him—needed him. He covered JC’s mouth with his, the softness of the kiss the only thing preventing Justin from sobbing out loud.

“How could I not want you,” Justin whispered as he caressed JC’s face, his hair, his back. “How could I not? You’re so…so damn sweet.” Justin pressed his friend back against the bed, covering him with kisses that JC seemed, finally, willing to receive and return without hesitation. “Sweet,” Justin said into JC’s mouth. “You taste so good,” he whispered as he slid his hand inside JC’s shirt. “Missed the taste of you. The feel of you.” JC sighed and sucked on Justin’s bottom lip. “I missed you so much, Josh.”

“Justin,” JC whispered, placing a finger on Justin’s raw lips to stop their kisses, “was it just…I mean…was that the only—”

“Baby, I missed you!” Justin said emphatically, knowing full well what JC was trying to ask. “I missed your friendship. You laugh. Your silly mind.” JC smiled at that. “I missed you hands,” Justin said, then kissed JC’s hands. “I missed your voice. I missed hanging out with you. I missed arguing with you.” Justin held JC so tight that JC shuddered, but he didn’t move away. “I missed your arms,” Justin whispered as he pulled JC’s arms around his back and kissed JC’s shoulders. “They always made me feel safe…loved…needed.”

“I need you,” JC whispered into Justin’s ear. “But I need to know…if you could ever…love me.” Justin pulled away and stared at Josh’s face, a mixture of wanton eagerness and fear. “I know this isn’t what you really want,” JC sighed, his voice shaky, and he held Justin still when he started to protest. “Justin, I meant…being with a man. It’s not how you wanted…your life to be,” JC said as he stroked Justin’s cheek. “I know it, baby. But I do know that you feel…something…for me. But, I need to know if I…could ever…” JC sniffed and looked away as a tear fell down his cheek. He looked back. “If I could ever be your true love.”

“Josh—” Justin stopped himself. He looked deep into JC’s eyes and really thought about it.

He thought about how he’d loved all the girls in his past. How it was sweet and sensuous and uncomplicated. How good it felt, physically, to be with them, but how it always ended. And he’d never looked back, never yearned for any of them. Never sat up at night wondering where he went wrong. Never cried on his expensive leather seats of his car because he was afraid he’d never see them again. He never once begged any woman to stay with him. Even Britney, whom he loved—truly loved—never occupied his thoughts and fears and dreams and nightmares and hopes the way JC did. Had. For a long time.

“I thought…when we met…that I wanted to know you forever,” Justin whispered. He traced the chiseled surface of JC’s face. “I wanted you. To be proud of me. To watch me. To think I was special. I wanted you to think I was as cool as I thought you were. I wanted to be like you, Jace.” JC smiled wearily and kissed Justin’s fingers as Justin continued. “But I didn’t trust it. It didn’t feel like what I thought love was supposed to be. I thought love was about…wanting. Wanting to be with someone who everyone approves of. Wanting someone so much that you never think you could really have them.” He stood up and lifted Josh with him so they sat on the bed, facing each other, legs in a sweet tangle. “It never occurred to me that how I felt—feel—about you…that it could be more than friendship.” JC nodded his head, but he still looked a little sad. “Josh, what I mean is…that’s what I wanted. I always wanted someone I could be best friends with…and…more. Everything. I think I’ve compared every woman I’ve ever been with to you. To us.” He kissed JC’s cheek and lingered there, watching JC’s cheek turn red and a small smile creep onto his face.

“Wow,” JC said, sniffing a little, “maybe I should give you the cold shoulder more often.”

“No,” Justin whispered, turning JC to him, kissing him desperately. “Don’t ever leave me again. Please.” JC wrapped his arms around Justin and shook his head.

“I won’t. Not ever.”

“I need you. As my friend…as my baby,” Justin whispered against JC’s lips. “I need you. I want you.” He pulled JC closer and kissed him everywhere he could reach—his mouth, his nose, his chin, his neck, his hair. Justin wanted to devour him.

“I want to believe you,” JC whispered.

“Believe me,” Justin groaned as he gently pushed JC down on the bed. As Justin kissed and caressed JC, words spilled from his lips as if beyond his control, like a damn breaking, all his pent-up emotions coming out in a last-ditch effort to claim JC as his, for once and for all.

Need you so much. I’ll never hurt you again. I don’t want anyone but you. Let me show you. I want to be yours. I’m not scared anymore. I want to be one with you. This feels so right. You’re so beautiful. Want to give you everything. My heart. My soul. So…oh, please, Josh. Please be with me. Please, love me. Love me.

I love you.

At first Justin wasn’t sure if he’d said those three words out loud or in his head. But when JC looked up at him with bright, scared eyes, biting his lip, his arms tightening around Justin’s back almost painfully, Justin knew he’d said it aloud. And he knew that JC had heard him. And he knew he meant it.

“Jus…you don’t,” JC said as he touched Justin’s face. He smiled. “You don’t have to say that,” he whispered, but the hope in his face betrayed his words. Justin held him tight, stared at him, felt him, felt JC’s arms protecting him, felt JC’s legs keeping him steady, felt JC’s breath on his face giving him courage, felt JC’s lips offering hope, felt JC’s body underneath him offering him everything. Justin wanted to cry, sadness for what he’d put JC through; pain for what he’d put himself through; and joy, for what he knew was to come. It hit him hard, and he let it happen.

“Josh…oh,” he whispered, choking back a sob, “I do. Oh my God…I love you. I love you, Josh.” JC kissed him lightly, trembling like he was about to go off too.

“Are you sure?”

“Oh, baby,” Justin said, smiling at JC, smiling to himself for finally getting it, “how could I not?” He caressed JC’s face, pulling his body as close as possible. “How could I not? You’re the sweetest thing that’s ever lived.”

“Justin.” They kissed for a very long time, Justin crying, then JC crying, then both giggling for crying like girls. After a while their lips were sore and their eyes were bloodshot, and both were just so tired that they lay in each others arms, erections be damned, and spoke to each other with closed eyes.

“Does this mean you forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive.”

“I really always sorta wanted you anyway.”

“I sorta had a feeling.”

“Thank you, Josh. For loving me.”

“Honey.”

“Mmm. Baby.”

“Justin?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I have my sweatshirt back?”

“Only after you tell me you love me.”

“I’ll show you.”

JC said it—screamed it—when he came, gasping and moaning as he erupted inside Justin. He repeated it several more times, until they both fell asleep. He never did get back his sweatshirt.

Note: This was a sequel of sorts to someone else’s fic.

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