| AUDI | Always Unsafe Designs Implemented |
| BMW | Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Bimbette Motor Weapon Break My Window |
| BUICK | Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer |
| CHEVROLET | Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology |
| DODGE | Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere Dead or Dying Gas Eater Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express |
| FIAT | Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony! |
| FORD | First On Recall Day First On Race Day First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fault Of R & D Fast Only Rolling Downhill Features O.J. and Ron's DNA Found On Russian Dump |
| GM | General Maintenance Great Mistake |
| GMC | Garage Man's Companion Got A Mechanic Coming? |
| HONDA | Had One Never Did Again |
| HYUNDAI | Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive... |
| MAZDA | Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along |
| OLDSMOBILE | Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind
Infuriatingly Late Everywhere Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment |
| PINTO | Put in new transmission often |
| PONTIAC | Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac |
| SAAB | Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown Sorry Assed Auto Builders |
| TOYOTA | Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto |
| VOLVO | Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners |
| VW | Virtually Worthless |