Memory Pages
Memories of my life that will have
TRIGGERING information within the
stories.
So If your not in a safe place please back out
now!
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MY
LIFE
I
really don't know where I should begin. But I want to write my
story. I want to let people know the pain that a survivor of
childhood molestation goes through. Throughout there entire life.
The
pain consumes your mind constantly. Sometimes it hard to separate
from reality. Due to my Molestation I developed Multiple
Personalities. I have all but one under control. There is one in
me that is determined to kill me. During the year of 1995 this
art of me tried on three separate occasions. Each time ending
upon a respirator. Each time not remembering what had happened
till somebody told me. The first time while in the hospital I
kept a journal on a daily basis. I didn't know this till January
of 1996. The first time I was Hospitalized was May 1, 1995. What
I read from my journal it shocked me. I don't remember the first
week in the Hospital at all. My girls told me that they came up
everyday and fed me. I know when I started to remember I couldn't
make it to the bathroom, I would wet on myself an the floor an I
would have to clan it up. I vaguely remember the nurses would
come around an say it's lunch time I didn't have the strength to
get up an go to eat, and they wouldn't bring it to me. So if it
hadn't been for my girls I wouldn't have eaten at all.
Most
of all I can't address my problems face to face with my parents
or my brother. They don't care an don't want to help me. I don't
even think they believe what I have told them about my brother
Molesting me as a little girl.
Every
time I tried to talk to them about it, my mother would say she
can't talk about it because of her heart condition. What about my
state of mind an the Love they are suppose give me as there
daughter. I haven't talked to them since June, 1995. I have been
blaming everyone for my problems. But in the same breath they
were blaming me for all of my mothers health problems. I called
them to let them know that if this is how they fell I have
nothing else to say to them. And as far as I was concerned they
weren't my parents anymore. They just lost a daughter, one they
probably never really loved or understood my whole life. Iknow
for so many years I tried to please them or either I was begging
for there Love. But I was never good enough.
Then
I complicated things by getting involved with a black man. From
there I never dealt with a white man again. I feel it's because
most of the white men I ever got involved with raped me. My
father, my brother, my cousins husband tried to rape me while she
was at work. My girlfriends husband raped me at gun point, while
she was know, a boyfriend raped me, the first time was rape, by a
guy I was dating. After I graduated High School the guys from my
school started asking me out. They never knew I was alive when I
was in school. Well guess what they just wanted sex too. I know
on night I had to think real quick. We were in Indianapolis and
he wanted to do it. I told him to wait till the next night and we
would get a motel room. When we got into my driveway I told the
creep to go to hell an never call me again. And if he wanted some
to get it from the girl he had gone with in High school. He says
she won't give it up, like I would! When I was in school I was
known for being miss goody to shoes. I carried a Bible everywhere
I went. If the church doors were open I was there.
I
know my father did something to me as a little girl, I have had
flash backs but I'm unable to see the face. The part of me that
blacks the real me out. I believe she knows the rest of this
horrifying story of my life. But I'm still mentally unable to
deal with the reality of what had happened then. The nightmares
still rules my life during the daytime and even in my dreams.
Every night I hate to go to sleep because of the nightmares. I
never get any rest from the pain an agony that has been thrust
upon me by my parents who were suppose to loved, protect me as a
child, but they didn't. They failed to do there job as my
parents. Something I won't ever forget but God will make them
atone for there sins on the day of Judgement. For now that's the
only thing I have to hold on to.
THE
OUTCAST OF MOLESTATION
I
have written this book of Poetry to realize all the pain I have
felt all my life.
I
have always wished even as a little girl that I would die, even
to this day. I dream of different ways to do away with myself.
Or
become cripple so my parents would have to take care of me, or at
least show me some Love. What a joke!
For
a child to never think her parents never really truly loved her.
Is a ver devastating thing for a child emotionally an mentally to
live with her entire life.
Here
I am at the age of forty-seven a outcast with no parents to love
me still. I've tried for so many years, I finally gave up on June
10,1995.
But
my girls can never say that I didn't show them enough Love.
They
hate my parents because of the way they have treated me an them.
I can count how many times they ever say my girls an it is four
times out of 22 years.
I
have grown up not knowing really what I had done wrong to be
treated with so much neglect.
I
can't talk to them about the molestation, because they just won't
talk about it. I think they don't believe that my dad or there
precious little boy could have done such a thing to me. I have
been raped five times in my life time an not counting my
molestation's. One attempt of rape was by my cousins husband.
Every
night I have the same nightmare. I am in this house I can't
remember an I'm trying to hide in a closet so whoever is after me
can't hurt me no more. I try in my wakefulness to remember if
something happen tome that I might recall, that would help me
make sense of the nightmare. But nothing comes to my memory`
I
have been diagnosed with multiple personalities. It's scary to
think of yourself as several people an not just one. Each one has
a different parts they play in my life for me to carry on each
day. There are some that I don't know what they do. One keeps on
trying to kill me, then my girls say there are times when I'm in
my bedroom an I'll be talking an it will sound like there are
other people in my room but they know I'm the only one their.
I
just wish I could forget all of it an just live a normal life,
whatever that might be.
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