Getting Older
When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less, I didn't hold
my tummy in
to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I've set my body free; There's comfort of elastic
where once my waist would be.
Inventor of those high-heeled shoes. My feet have not forgiven; I have to wear a nine now,
But used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose - They're sized by weight, you see, so how come when I put them on, The crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses as the prints were getting smaller; and it
wasn't very long ago
I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to silver and my skin no longer fits, nn the inside, I'm the same old me, just the outside's changed a bit.
Benefits of Getting Older
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You can sing along with the elevator music.
When you talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. We
have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't
listening anyway.
What life has taught me ...
Grandma and Grandpa's dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7
When I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
Just when I get my room the way that I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12
If you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14
Although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
Silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
Brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26
Wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
If someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age
39
There are people who love you dearly but don't know how to show it. Age 42
You can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44
The greater a person's guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46
Children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47
No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better
tomorrow. Age 48
You can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled
Christmas tree lights. Age 52
Keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 53
Regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 55
Making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
If you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age
61
Life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
You shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to
throw something back. Age 64
If you pursue happiness, it will elude you, but if you focus on your family, the needs of
others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will
find you. Age 65
Whenever I decide something with kindness, it's usually right. Age 72
It pays to believe in miracles. I've seen several. Age 75
Even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
Every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love holding hands, a warm hug,
or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
Signs of Wear
Your answer to, "Let's go upstairs and make love" is "Pick
one, I can't do both!"
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
A babe/hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!