A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
::WHAM::
That's the last time we let *you* do the opening
No more Star Wars for you
(rubbing his head) Ow, ok ok no more Star Wars themed opening's sheesh, you
didn't have to hit me
::WHAM::
Yes we did ^-^
(SD mumbles something incoherent as he walk off as Lauren and Tifa follow after him)
(sweetly) Awwwwwww, I'm sorry, did we hurt your feelings?
(SD glares dagger at her then continues walking finally ending up in the briefing room
where the rest of his crew awaits)
Ok everyone time for our next assignment, we are to proceed to this star system
(SD pushes a button on the holographic projector imbedded in the table, it displayed a
bunch of dots that nobody except SD and ACV (Annoying Computer Voice) understood)
And then what?
…I have no idea
(everyone expt SD facefault)
I'm serious, Washu didn't give me any instructions, she said only to go here and
wait
How…thoughtful
Indeed, from my calculations we should arrive in about 1.2 seconds
(said time passes and the entire station shudders)
What the hell? Bridge, status report!
Sir it appears that a high impact energy projectile has just collided with us, it
appears to be a beam weapon of some sort
On screen
(the viewscreen in front of them lights up just in time to see a bluish beam of coherent
light slam into the stations shields)
Sir shields at ten percent!
With only two shots? Damn…
What's wrong?
…I want one
(everyone on the entire stations facefaults)
Sir we can't survive another direct hit!
Sir I detect a high-energy source on the surface of the planet below! They're
going to fire again!
Ok…everyone abandon ship!
(in less than a minute everyone onboard the ship escapes on the escape pods)
Um SD…there are no more life pods left
Shiest! You baka!
…Crap
(the last thing the camera sees before blacking out is the station on a crash course for the
planet…the camera turns on again and we find the station is in tact although very badly
damaged and the bodies of it's crew scattered about, we then see many, many armed men
approach the unconscious team and haul them off)
(when SD opens his eyes he is in a dark room sitting in a chair, his hands unbound but
feeling very dizzy)
??> So, you've come too
Ung, where the hell am I?
??> You are at NERV headquarters
NERV?
??> That is correct
Sweet! I've always wanted to come here
??> Do not rejoice just yet Shadow Dragon, you are here for a reason and weather you
want to or not you will cooperate
(a light turns on in a corner of the room revealing the rest of his crew tied up)
What do you want from me?
??> We have gathered that you have some skills that we require, we want you to
review stories based on our persons and critique them
Huh? Is that it? Sure no problem
??> You…agree to this?
Yeah sure
??> Some of the stories will be…disturbing, even grotesque
Hey if I've seen Tenchi on a Plate of Sashimi I can watch anything
??> Tenchi on a Plate of Sashimi? What is that?
Only the most disgusting, horrible, putrid, grotesque, and just plain wrong fic ever
??> I see, so then you will have no problems with our request?
Only one thing, Ill need my crew to do it
??> I think not, you will be provided with An alternate "crew" until you prove your
worth, you will however be able to select one of them for the time being
Fine, since this is the world of Eva and all I choose Auska-chan
(the restraints on Auska disappears and she charges SD and mallets him across the room)
Baka! How many times do I have to tell you not to call me chan!
Ow
??> Interesting, you will now be joined by your "crew"
(the lights turn on and Auska and SD find themselves inside a theater, Shinji Ikari, Auska
Langley Sohryu, Rei Ayanami, and Touji Suzihara join them)
Who the hell are you!
I'm Auska Langley Sohryu, greatest Eva pilot ever, who are you?
> *I'm* Auska Langley Sohryu, greatest Eva pilot ever
(everyone else stares at them as they start to fight)
Um guys? I don't think you should…
(a white light engulfs both of the Auska's)
Touch each other
(when the light disappears only one Auska is there)
What the hell happened?
I thought this may happen, If I remember my advanced time space theorem class
then you two just fused
(everyone just stares at SD strangely expt Rei who looks at him with her usual
expressionless stare)
Ok it's like the basic principle that no two objects can occupy the same space at
the same time only a little more complicated, the law states that no two beings of the
same genetic properties can occupy the same space at the same time, so in short the space
time continuum detected this flaw when the two Auska's touched and corrected it by
fusing the two into one
Ok then Mr. Wizzard tell me this, will she have changed at all?
Well she will have some side affects but nothing major, mood swings and multiple
personalities but that's about it, if they were the same Auska's there wouldn't be, but our
Auska changed so now the two will bide for dominance and the winner will be the one
controlling the body
(meanwhile Dr. Ritsuko Akagi is writing every word down)
Interesting…I will have to 'talk' to him later
??> There have been enough delays, now to work
Geez, no matter who's in charge it's always faster, harder, more! God I hate being
pushed around
(Touji and Auska along with the rest of SD's crew off in the corner sweatdrop as they
take their seats)
Seating arrangement SD, Auska, Shinji, Rei, Touji
Hey!
New seating arrangement Shinji, Auska, SD, Rei, Touji
Better, captain should always sit in the middle (smiles at Rei and Auska)
Not again
(Rei just stares at him with a blank look on her face)
Standard Disclaimer!!!
Wow…I didn't think I'd actually try writing an original fic again after my last fiasco!
Oh yeah, GREAT way to start out your fic
He is simply stating that his last story was unsatisfactory
(everyone sweatdrops)
Times have changed and I am going to give it yet another try, but this time no drama just
humor.
No drama…drama bad
Um are you ok?
(SD looks at Shinji with a lost look in his eyes and starts shaking while everyone else
slowly backs away)
Bear in mind that this fic will have NOTHING to do with anything of importance…no
angels, no death
Damn
(well maybe a wee bit),
Yay!
and deals with a show I don't own anything of…still urks me. We can't I own some of
this show?
You and me both brother
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE GAMES PEOPLE PLAY
Personally I prefer truth or dare
NO BAKA HENTAI!
::WHAM::
Auska! You didn't have to kill him!
(dazed) I'm ok…just need a little nap is all
What is this guy?
A hentai
The rain poured down upon Shinji in vales while he kept his silent vigil. The rain didn't
bother him too much this day as he had promised himself that he wouldn't allow anything
to dissuade him from the importance of today.
He was finally gonna grow a backbone and hit on Auska and Rei?
(Shinji blushes, Auska mallets him again, and Rei simply stares)
'How long have I been standing here,
Five minutes
why do I stay,
Beats me
why didn't I read the damn weather reports?'
Can't trust weather reports
were the thoughts crossing his mind.
I bet those weren't the only thoughts crossing your mind Shin man
(blushing) Touji!
Several early morning commuters slowed down to stare at the young boy that, dispute the
torrential downpour stood stoically outside an electronics shop. Most trying to figure out
why anybody would do such a thing. The rest just wanted a good laugh at somebody
else's expense.
Damn dude you really are every ones bitch aren't you?
So I give people something to laugh about!
Dude, you're standing out in front of an electronics shops just staring
(blushing) So?
After about twenty minutes waiting and a few bouts of sneezing, Shinji finally lifted his
gaze from the sidewalk towards the door that he was standing in front of.
That's when he realized that it was Sunday and all the shops are closed
Why do you stand out in front of that door?
(blushing) Well…it's…a pretty door
Ok you really need to get a life, that is just pathetic
The young owner flipped the sign from 'closed' to 'open' and opened the lock. Shinji
wasted no time in getting into the shop.
Why did you break the door down pilot Ikari?
(Shinji just blushes and stares at the floor)
I'm wondering how the wimp broke it down in the first place
" What were you doing outside my shop so early?" questioned the owner.
I don't think you want to know
"I…I…I'm out of sdat tapes." The waterlogged pilot commented.
I thought you only listened to that one?
I do but…I kind of…wore it out from using it so much
I'm confused (the others except Shinji look at him confused) Should I be laughing
my ass off or scared?
The owner retorted, "You do this every week Shinji, why don't you download music like
everybody else on the planet?"
"What do you mean download it?"
You really do need to get out more often
While attempting to hold back her laughter, "You have a computer don't you?"
No cause then his room would look like someone actually lived there
After a moments thought, 'I have Misato-san's old PC I just never hooked it up.' He
responded now giddy owner, " I have one."
It's the year 2015, don't you guys have like VR computers or something?
No all the money was spent on the Eva's
How much money was spent on the Eva's?
Well you know all of those people who were staring to death cause they had no
money to buy food?
Yeah
Well lets just say they don't have to worry about food anymore
(sweatdrop) Oh…I see
Sighing in relief " Thought you were going to say you didn't…and if you did I'd have to
question your sanity lil' boy.
We still do
Well 'normal' people don't pay for music anymore they download it from other people."
"Isn't that like stealing?" was his worried reply.
No it's more like borrowing…permanently
"Never mind Shinji, make your selections and bring them to the counter," the owner said
and thinking to herself 'What is this kids problem, all he does is worry, kid needs to get
laid.'
No truer words have been spoken
(Shinji blushes furiously and get a small nosebleed)
Shinji picks out a few tapes from his usual categories and heads to the counter to pay.
How come you get paid?
Um…cause I'm…the son of the commander
"Classical and Jpop? This stuff will rot your brain or make you all depressed.
I don't need music to make me depressed, I have my life to do that for me
Why don't you ever pick anything else?" she commented while ringing his purchase.
Cause it might make him undepressed and that just wouldn't be Shinji
Hey I can be happy!
Give me one example
Well there was that time when…no wait that just made me more depressed, ok
then there was that time when…no wait that was a movie
Told ya
"I…just like to listen to it I guess, sorry."
Ok, you're apologizing about what kinda music you listen to lighten up man!
Sorry
(SD puts his head in his hands and moans loudly)
'I bet he apologizes for the toilet paper roll being out…
Yep, and when it rains too
maybe I can give him a lil present'
Yeah go Shinji! Getting some from the electronics lady!
(Shinji blushes)
after bagging his tapes. "You said you had a computer, Ne Shinji?"
(As a knight of NI) We are the knights of NI! You will bring us…a shrubbery!
(everyone else stares at him strangely)
It's from an old movie called Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Yeah baby!)
Taking the bag from her hand, "Yeah I do, but I don't want to steal music."
Sighing and tossing a duel CD case, " It's a new game that just came in today, you might
like it, being a pilot and all."
Oooooohhhhhhh, Japanese game
::WHAM::
Hentai
Why is he drooling?
Because the only games those Americans consider Japanese are hentai games
Shinji gazed at the cover of the CD and smiled brightly " I can really have this? Honto
ne?"
(as knight of NI) NI!
(everyone else cringes)
Never underestimate the power of NI!
"Yes you can, nobody else would want it.
I do I do!
Haven't you seen this before?
Yeah so?
Now get out before the Saturday rush comes in," she said while shooing him out.
Stilling looking at the game in his hands,
Shinji skipped out of the store to find the sun shining down on the streets as if to
symbolize the joy he now felt.
And then he gets struck by lightning
Knowing my luck
"Today's not going to be as bad as I thought it would be," he hummed to himself while
the increasing number of passing cars showered him with the rain water that pooled along
the road.
Why is that water…purple?
Eeeeeewwwwww, Angel blood
While he trekked back to his apartment Shinji never noticed the never-ending showers of
road run off, the bicyclist that ran into him, the two girls that tried to talk to him, or his
wallet falling out of his pocket.
You were hit on by two chicks, TWO CHICKS and you didn't even look at them!
So I was preoccupied
Dude they were hot!
Oooohhhh, wait till I tell Hikari
No…wait…you wouldn't! Man I am so screwed
No his mind was completely focused on the item in his hands, 'I didn't even have to pay
for it! Wow I wish I knew they were making it.'
Perv
What? You don't even know what game it is
No she's right, you are a perv
Just outside the door to his apartment a feeling of dread smacked him upside the face.
No that would just be Auska slapping him again
"Asuka…" with that one word Shinji's mood crashed,
(a loud crashing sound is herd and everyone except SD jump)
'what would she do to me if she found out about this?" he questioned as he fingered the
game in his still wet hands.
I can think of a lot, most involve a massive beating and much pain
Inside said apartment, the first signs of life begin crossing two women's faces. Both rose
and lugged their still tired bodies out of their respected rooms.
Damn, you guys get up early in Japan
It's only eight what time do you get up?
About eleven but that's only if I have something important to do, usually it's more
like two or three
"Morning Asuka." Misato mumbled out while images of Yebisu danced in her head.
Misato can speak words before she has a beer?
Wow, never seen that before
She must still be drunk from the night before
"Guten…morgen," was the redhead's response as she made her way to the bathroom.
Weather Misato actually heard her over the continual chant for beer going on in her head
is debatable.
No it's not
She resigned herself to the fact that Asuka would always take the bathroom first, and
arguing with her about it was as smart as trying to ask the Angels to visit the America's
instead if Japan.
This is true
Shinji slowly began to make his sneak entrance, hiding the game inside the bag of tapes.
'They should still be asleep, Misato-san never wakes before noon unless we have tests,
and Asuka…Well I don't know about her.'
'Beer…beer…beer' was all that Major Katsuragi heard until she sat down, leaned back,
and popped the top and
"YYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOOO!"
My kind of woman
In the shower, 'Kami-sama she needs therapy, that aught to wake sleeping-baka up. He
better make something good for breakfast,' Asuka then began thinking of what to do on
this lovely Saturday, mostly she thought of ways to antagonize Shinji but lets give her
some privacy, Ok?
Damnit!
::WHAM::
(putting mallet away) Hentai
With the alarm sounded, Shinji was needless to say, but I say anyway for some reason,
terrified and made a beeline for his room, but this is Shinji so…
He tripped?
He ran into the bathroom and saw me naked?
I trip, fall, and break my neck killing me instantly condemning the entire
planet?
(the room falls silent as the others stare at him)
You are seriously messed up in the head man
"Shinji-kun, is that you?" Misato called out.
'Shimata!'
Bless you
he cringed " Hai Misato-san, what is it?
"Breakfast."
"It's done, thanks Mis…" but he was cut off.
"No, I want my breakfast so get cooking.
" I just need to drop something off in my room."
(as Shinji) God I hope she doesn't find that blow up doll of her
HENTAI!
::WHAM::
That's funny, I was aiming for Shinji
(in pain) S'ok
He squeaked while heading towards his holy ground.
Behold the holy ground known as Shinji's room!
(a bright light shines from nowhere illuminating the MSTers
…What the hell was that?
"You just came from your room, or did you sneak out early again this morning, or is it
sneaking in early. Late night visit with a girl maybe?" She asked coyly.
Shinji…
With a girl…
Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!
(Shinji blushes)
Resigned to his fate he entered the kitchen bag in hand.
(a death march plays over an intercom and everyone expt SD jump)
Where the hell did that come from?
Don't know…just does
" I wanted some new SDAT tapes, so I went to my favorite store."
Little did Misato know that SDAT actually stands for Sexual Dreams Audio Tapes
I knew you were a hentai
No it doesn't!
Is that so? Then how come you have to change your sheets so often?
…
"This early and why are you wet?"
Trust me…you really don't want to know
the astonished Major asked while hammering back a second can.
Ow…that's gotta hurt
How did major Katsuragi manage to fit half the can in her mouth?
Ummmm….well you see…oh just go ask Misato!
"Couldn't sleep, and I'm wet because the damn weather man if full of it!" he shouted
while putting the bag down and grabbing his cooking utensils.
I don't know much about cooking but those don't look like kitchen utensils
They look more like…toys
(Touji, Auska, and SD look at Shinji)
What? It's not my fault Misato leaves her to…
So third child just what did you and Misato do before I arrived?
(blushing)…
Now normal people usually can hold back curiosity, or at least wait a few moments
before their nosey nature takes over them, but Misato isn't normal.
Any woman that can pound out 5 beers in under a minutes defiantly isn't normal
That's nothing, I've seen her down ten in a minute
(Touji goes into a dream like state while muttering something about heaven having a lot
of beer)
The moment the young Ikari turned his back she dove for his bag.
Remind me to never turn my back on her
"Lets see what you got good, shall we?" she chimed while her rummaging began.
The skillet fell, the food fell, and Pen-Pen was thrilled to be fed so soon; Shinji turned
pale as he heard her. " Misato-san!"
"Boring, boring, boring…wait what's this? " she lifted a certain duel CD jewel case from
his bag. "Care to explain this?"
Is it me or does that say 'Auska's wet and wild adventures?
HENTAI!!
::WHAM:: ::WHAM::
Ow
"The store owner gave it to me…said it was a gift and I'd like it because I was a pilot."
He then began trying to liberate his newly purchased possessions from his guardian.
(healed) Shinji you are the epitome of a 98 pound weakling, you aint liberating
nothing from nobody
"My lil Shin-chan is becoming a man. Just make sure to sleep at night now that you have
this," she flipped the cd over and looked at the requirements. " Ought oh."
Spagedios! ::AUTHORS NOTES Yes I know that's not how you spell it so piss
off!::
(everyone stares at him strangely including Rei then start to back away rather quickly)
'I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead' was the internal mantra while he asked, " What's wrong?"
"You cook, I'll explain."
(as Misato) Well now you see there are the birds and the bees, which is fine and
dandy, and then you have this, you are a sick little boy
She then waited for him to break out new supplies and begin her breakfast. " If you
planned on using that old PC I gave you, it won't work."
Well that PC is from the year 2000, barley pre second impact, thing should be
in a museum
Hey I resent that! I'll have you know that back home I have a very good PC
"WHAT!?!?!"
"Would you two shut up out there! People are trying to bathe in here!" shouted a very
annoyed voice coming from the direction of the restroom.
What the hell is ACV doing there?
That's me you twit!
Oh…I thought ACV sounded familiar
"It's simply to out of date, sorry Shinji-kun. I guess you could ask Ritsuko for an old PC
of hers." She said still repressing the urge to giggle madly at the lack of composure and
totally red face of her charge.
No actually that's his normal color
(Auska grabs Shinji so that SD can see his face)
See?
Well I'll be dammed
After several minutes of silence, unless you count the sound of sizzling food, " I can?"
Yes but you'll need to take some 'tests' to get it
Remember SD this is Ritsuko, not Washu
Who is Washu?
Self proclaimed greatest scientific genius in the universe who also happens to be
20,000 years old and looks like a 12 year old
Sounds like Ritsuko, except for the looking 12 part
(both Shinji and SD jerk violently as an electrical charge shocks them)
That'll teach that little punk
::meanwhile off in space somewhere::
Damn little punk, didn't know I could do that huh?
"Shinji, she makes new computers daily, I'm sure she can let you have one. So what
made you buy this huh?" she asked nudging his sides as he set her plate down.
"It was given to me, um…when can we ask her?"
"After my shower I'll call her, you can take the train to the base and get one." She said
between bites, 'I knew it all along!'
Than Shin man really is a pervert?
Hell I could have told ya that jock
He set Asuka's plate down and gathered his items, " You won't tell her will you?"
Misato…biggest gossiper in town not tell? Highly unlikely
Looks like you're screwed Shin man
"Two weeks." She said with a wicked smile on her face.
"What?" was the obvious reply.
(as Misato) You herd me! I want to weeks of sexual favors for keeping quiet
(Touji enters another although deeper dream like state and starts drooling)
"Two weeks of doing my chores will buy my silence," again spoken between bites.
(as Misato) Among other things (evil grin)
Wiping Misato's egg off his face he nodded and ran to his room to hide his new
acquisitions.
Damn Shinji how many blow up dolls did you get?
Well I have one of Misato, Rei, Maya, and Auska, can't find the
Hikari…one…though…
(Shinji is promptly beaten by Auska and Touji)
What is a blow doll?
Basically you with less emotions
I see
Asuka made her way to the kitchen, "Shinji eat already?"
Finishing her meal, " Yeah, why were you in the bath so long?" Misato smiled.
Yeah why do your baths take so long?
(blushing) Well I…you see I…oh just shut up before I pound you again!
"I think you had one Yebisu to many,
Not possible
keep your perverted thoughts to yourself."
They are only perverted if you take them as such
Wait…hold on did Rei just try and make a joke?
It's the sixth sign of the apocalypse!
Conversation finished, and what a thrilling conversation it was too,
Yeah I can just see it now, two hours of talking about clothing, guys, and
clothing
Clothes are important!
Not to Rei they're not
I'll prove it, Rei what's more important, clothes or saving the world?
Saving the woooooorrrrrrrlllllllll……clothes
Told ya, deep inside every woman no matter how un girly they seem is the
undeniable urge to shop
(everyone stares at Rei and Rei has a confused look on her face)
Asuka shoveled her food down, stood, spoke " Well I'm off, Hikari and I are going mall
hopping," and left.
Misato was left shocked, 'Who do they expect to clean this mess up!'
Well it is her day after all, she always finds a way to get us to do it
And when she gets you to do it you get me to do it for you
God damn…you really are the worlds biggest bitch, you should get an award or
something
Lets jump ahead about thirty minutes. Misato showered,
(Touji once again enters dream like state while drooling)
Shinji listened to his new tapes,
Wait…did your SDAT just blow up?
Damnit! No the tape just blew
Already?
and Asuka ran to Hikari's, after a stop at a certain electronics store, and all was merry.
Not really several countries were without food and people were just in a pissy mood, but
they don't factor into this story so who cares about them.
Apparently not the author
Wait I thought you said that all the starving people died cause all the money was
used on the Eva's
Well those poor at the time yes but when that happened all of the upper lower
class and the lower middle class people became the poor hungry people
Misato made the call to one Ritsuko Akagi and asked about the deal. They settled that if
Shinji signed a release form, with his undying loyalty as collateral, he could have one of
her early laptop creations. Shinji rushed to Nerv to get it.
Is that written…in blood?
And I always assumed the Gendo was the devil
'I'm getting a laptop this is so nice of Akagi-san!' Shinji thought as he made his progress
through the maze like corridors of the Geofront until he reached his destination and
knocked.
Hearing scuffling and what sounded like clothing being hastily put on, "Hello, Ritsuko-
san it's me, Shinji."
Ritsuko answered the door with ruffled hair and raspy breath, "So soon, didn't expect you
till later." She looked back into her room.
Are those…moans I hear?
They sound feminine
Wow…so she really does swing that way, I though it was just the perverted lesbian
loving authors out there
::AUTHORS NOTE: No I do not believe that either Ritsuko or Maya are lesbian or even
bi for that matter::
"If this is a bad time I could come back later," he asked with a hint of depression in his
voice.
Ritsuko shut the door and returned about five seconds later tossing him his new
computer; " You'll have to register yourself as the user. I have to worn you though, this
was my first attempt at an AI like my mothers' and the brain pattern was…chosen based
on availability. Now if you'll excuse me," that said she shut the door and locked it.
I have to get back to…entertaining…a guest
'Those weren't my fathers glasses in her pocket were they?' Shinji shrugged off that
question as he headed back to the train station to go home.
So what do you think? Bi?
From the looks of it
What does bi mean?
God, she's just like Chi when she first got turned on, emotionless and knows
nothing
(Rei cocks her head to the side the same way as Chi)
Now that's just wrong, where is Chi anyways?
::meanwhile deep inside NERV::
So this is Chi
Yes commander
Have you been able to extract any data from her?
No sir, all we keep getting are pictures of SD, the name Hideki, and pictures of
women's undergarments
Chi! Hideki says that Hideki needs panties Chi!
(Gendo and Kouzo sweatdrop)
"Lets get this registration bit done now." He said to himself, and received a few odd
looks in the process. He booted up the computer and entered all the information asked.
Name: Shinji Ikari, Age: 14, Sex: Phft, yeah right
(Auska+Touji laugh while Shinji's blushes)
That's not true!
Dude you were being hit on by two hot girls earlier and you didn't even bat an eye
"…"
Yeah, that's what I though
The computer booted up completely, all the while Shinji was contemplating just whom
exactly Ritsuko used as a base brain length for his computer. 'I don't need anything this
fancy but it was free so I won't complain.'
The Ritsuko Akagi AI was online, with the new feature of voice recognition and
feedback. It truly was an AI as it spoke, "Oh Shinji-kun, you know exactly the right
buttons to push."
(Shinji and Touji get massive nosebleeds sending them flying backwards over their
chairs)
Now *that* was an impressive nosebleed
"Misato-san, where are you?" he asked nearly dropping the PC off his lap.
"In your hands silly, I'm Minato," his laptop chirped.