Special Disclaimer!

Well here I am with chapter 3 of the Anime Haven exclusive Mst of RAMEN. Hope you’ve been enjoying to so far and send me your reviews via e-mail or on the darkscribes forum.

And I hope you’ll read my current project “Anata no Ichiban Ni Naritai” a Nadesico fanfic.

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Ritsuko: How you get whatever Rei this is to come with you?

Rei III: I am the third, and I came to make sure Katsuragi-san wasn’t doing something underhanded.

Maya: Like what, oh happy Birthday by the way.

Rei III: Something indecent, and it is NOT my birthday.

Misato: The Rei’s agreed not to share their birthdays…why don’t ask me.

Ritsuko: So how’s the party going?

Misato starting up her car: Fine, girls are watching some movies and Hikari made a cake.

Maya: That’s sweet of her.

Ritsuko: They find the present in your room?

Misato smiling: Hope not…doubt he’d be able to fend off the whole lot of them.

Maya: What are you talking about?

Ritsuko: That Mana girl showed up didn’t she!?

Misato: Almost instinctual.

Rei III: What is the gift Shinji-kun got for my sister?

Misato: Himself.

Maya blushes: You don’t mean…?

Misato: Not that! Well not technically. Rei, Shinji-kun is currently in a big box in my room wearing nothing but a speedo.

Ritsuko laughing: Looks like you’re the odd woman out.

Maya: Shin-chan made a bold move ‘smiles’ about time.

Misato: Rei…Rei calm down…

Rei III’s eyes glow red…well a deeper red than usual: Drive fast.

Ritsuko: Misato…do what she says. I’m not in the mood to see what she can do while seriously pissed off.

-Back at the Apartment-

The girls take their seats back in the living room.

Asuka: Hikari, that was EXCELLENT!

Rei II: Agreed, I could grow fond of eating such food.

Mana: Why angel food cake though?

Hikari: I thought it was kinda funny.

Rei II: Your sense of humor is lacking in some respects.

Asuka: I thought it was funny.

Mana: You obviously like it, you ate three pieces.

Asuka: So?

Rei II: I am satisfied, but need to sit down while my stomach digests the food.

Hikari: You do that, we can watch another part then get at that present.

Rei II/Mana: Sounds like a good idea.

Asuka: ‘Too…much…cake.’

Mana: Lets crank this racy movie up and see what happens to my lil Shin-chan.

Rei II mearly raises an eyebrow: He appears to be ‘ours’ in this movie.

‘Hikari eager to stop a fight pushes play and the movie starts’

(Look FO >>> ya foo’s :) )

Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by the people at GAINAX.

Used without permission.

>>>Rei II: Nerv Legal enforcement vans are on the way to his location.

BACKGROUND (aka shameless plug)

It's recommended that you know what happened in 'Ramen' and 'Ramen 2'

to understand the assumptions this fic are predicated on. My web

archive is at http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/

>>>Asuka: Can I grind him with my shameless plug?

>>>Hikari: Isn’t that your entry plug?

This is a LIME. That means naughty things. You have been warned.

This is also a PARODY. OOC warning. PWP warning.

C&C, pretty please?

>>>Mana: Damn it…he’s lowered the rating from lemon to lime!

>>>Rei II: Does sugar alter your sex-drive Miss Kuramitsu?

RAMEN 3

an eclectic fanfic with references to numerous anime series as well as non-anime TV series. by EeL (Ee-Loong Toh)

In a dark forbidding chamber, the twelve monoliths of SEELE winked

into existence, one by one, as they formed a circle.

>>>Asuka: Something about a group of men sitting in a circle…in the dark.

>>>Mana: Is just creepy.

The Illuminati-like organization was in session to discuss a course of action after falling foul of a trap laid by Ikari Gendou and one Tendou Nabiki.

The monolith of SEELE 01 changed from 'SOUND ONLY' mode to visual.

The figure of Chairman Kihl appeared, his hands clasped in front of his chest as if in prayer.

>>>Hikari: Those have got to be the ugliest glasses I’ve ever seen.

>>>Rei II: Kihl has image problems.

"We face the unpalatable choice of surrendering to the wiles of that traitor Ikari. That means going bankrupt and giving up the Human Instrumentality Project. Or we can resist and try and fight back.

>>>Rei II: How is that even an option?

>>>Asuka: Pencils and staple guns?

In my opinion, the latter is only feasible if we can somehow persuade Tendou Nabiki to withdraw her backing of Gendou," declared Kihl. "SEELE 02, can you manage that?"

"I'm afraid not," came the voice from the SEELE 02 monolith. "She

can be very stubborn when she wants to. It doesn't help that she has

also mastered the Tendou Giant Demon Head Technique."

>>>Mana: She mastered Unit-01’s head?

>>>Rei II: Mrs. Ikari would be very displeased.

The artificial electronic distortion of the sound gradually dissapated to reveal a rather sweet, gentle and feminine voice. "I'm sorry. But I am unable to do anything." The image of Tendou Kasumi appeared on the monolith, looking somewhat apologetic.

>>>Asuka: A sissy like that is a member of SEELE?

>>>Mana: I can see Shinji on that group before I think I’d believe she’d order

>>> the mass extermination of humanity.

"In that case," said SEELE 03, "I propose that we take the former

course suggested by Chairman Kihl." This voice was also sounded rather

like Kasumi's. The SEELE member's image came online to reveal a young

lady with long, luxuriant blonde hair and strange blue markings on her

face.

>>>Asuka: NO NO NO NO NO NO IT CAN’T BE HER!!

>>>Hikari: She seems like a nice lady, what’s the problem?

>>>Rei II: Shinji-kun…she has some ties to Shinji-kun. ‘all girls look at the

>>>girl and feel inadequate.’

SEELE 04 revealed himself to be a short boy wearing orange winter

gear. His hood covered everything except his two huge eyes. "Mmfph

Hmmph Bifphmhmmm Mrfmmm," he said.

>>>Girls: American.

>>>Asuka: Hope Unit-01 steps on him. (he he he, very funny music video too )

The universal translator provided

subtitles for what Kenny had just said to the other members of SEELE:

"I second Bellydandy's motion."

"Very well," said Kihl. "Let us take a vote. You may make some brief remarks to accompany your decision."

>>>Asuka: Enough of this dumb evil pow-wow, where is MY Shinji?

SEELE 05 showed herself to be a brownish cross between a rabbit and

cat with white highlights.

>>>Hikari: KAWAII!!!

>>>Asuka: Looks like Pen-Pen has some rivals now.

She stopped chewing on a carrot momentarily to declare, "Miya!" Ryo-oh-ki of 'Tenchi Muyo!' voted AYE.

SEELE 06 showed herself to be a young baby. She had yellow skin

and regular, triangular spikes of yellow hair which seemed to be part

of her head anyway.

>>>Rei II: She appears to be a genetic freak.

>>>Mana: And also an American.

>>>Girls: Damn Americans.

She sucked on her pacifier, making a sequence of distinct baby-sucking-pacifier sounds. Maggie Simpson of 'The Simpsons' made it known that she voted AYE.

SEELE 07 was revealed to be a very plump dragon cat with a huge

grin and strange markings on its chest. It bellowed and started to

blow on a wind instrument that looked like a hollowed out rock. The

most junior Totoro of 'My Neighbour Totoro' voted AYE.

>>>Hikari: That thing scares me.

>>>Asuka: What the hell is wrong with you Japanese people! That thing is

>>> a giant carpet covered pin cushion!

SEELE 08 found it very hard to follow the proceedings. Lina had

forced him to take this job to pay off their last meal. Well, at least

the pay was decent and everyone seemed to be such nice, kawaii or

just generally harmless characters. Well, except for SEELE 12. High

intelligence wasn't Gourry Gabriev's lot in life. So he tended to go

along with SEELE 02 and 03. As such the 'Slayers' vote was AYE.

>>>Mana: And what a might brain trust he is.

>>>Rei II: He appears to have brain damage.

>>>Asuka: Rei…please learn what sarcasm is.

SEELE 09 was an orange cat with intelligent green eyes and a mohawk.

"Okay. Close shop. Go back to protect Makoto," said Ura of 'El Hazard',

voting AYE.

>>>Hikari in cute overload: Kawaii!

>>>Asuka: Is every cute creature out to destroy humanity?

>>>Rei II: ‘Mental note- beware small furry animals.’

SEELE 10 appeared to be a hideous type of mouse that looked more

like a monkey. "Chu chu," it declared. The vote of Chu-Chu of

'Revolutionary Girl Utena' was registered as NAY.

>>>Asuka: Ok talking mouse/monkey’s are where I draw the line, I’ll be in

>>> my room, call me if this gets any better. ‘gets up and walks to her room.’

It then went on to make a speech composed of mainly of the sounds 'chu chu' with varying intonations of pitch, emphasis and volume. Something that went along the lines of 'If it cannot break out of its egg's shell, a chick will die without being born.

>>>Rei II: And a failure that shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce anyway.

Shinji is the chick. The world is his egg. If he does not crack the world's shell, we will all die without being born. Smash the world's shell for the Revolution of the World!'

>>>Mana blinks: We’re already born so that has no meaning.

>>>Hikari still in kawaii overflow: Such puffy cheeks!

SEELE 11 was this tiny yellow mouse-like creature with red rosy

cheeks. "Pika!" it said cheerfully. Pikachu of 'Pokemon' voted AYE.

>>>Hikari finally snaps: HHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!

>>>Rei II/Mana give her a small slap and she calms down.

As the sponsors of the motion, it was no surprise that SEELE 02

(Tendou Kasumi of 'Ranma 1/2'), SEELE 03 (Belldandy of 'Ah! My

Goddess!') and SEELE 04 (Kenny McCormick of 'South Park') voted AYE.

The motion looked set to pass with an overwhelming majority. Not many were stupid or insane enough to oppose Mercenary Girl Nabiki.

>>>Rei II: But that is SEELE, the group that wants everybody to become tang.

>>>Mana: So…buckle your seat belts and prepare for combat.

However, intelligent or sane was hardly the terms that could be

applied to the final representative in SEELE. It didn't help that this

creature represented a group that wasn't even animated. SEELE 12 was

this purple, pear-shaped creature with a strange looking protrusion on

its head.

>>>Mana: Bet its gay…not that anything is wrong with that.

>>>Hikari: A fat rat with a coat hanger sticking out of its head?

It waved a handbag as it proclaimed, "Eh oh! Eh oh! Eh oh!

Eh oh! Eh oh!" The rest of SEELE bigsweated as Tinky Winky of the

'Teletubbies' denounced the cowardice of the Committee and proclaimed that the Gang of Four would usurp SEELE's power.

>>>Rei II: I would destroy humanity if those things took over.

>>>Mana: Ayanami…thank you! I’d rather die than be ruled by those things.

"Uh-oh!" said Kenny as he realized that he was surrounded by the

frenzied and bloodthirsty figures of Dipsy, La La and Po. "MMMM!!!"

was Kenny's scream of terror as the three Teletubbies rended him

limb from limb, Po uttering its usual slew of Cantonese obscenties

that most viewers don't pick up on.

>>>Mana: Well one down 11 to go.

>>>Rei II: Those creatures may have a use yet.

>>>Hikari: Oh My Kami! They killed Seele 4

"Oh! My Goddess! They killed Kenny!" exclaimed Belldandy/SEELE 03.

"You bastards!" shouted Kasumi/SEELE 02.

"It's war!" roared Chairman Kihl.

>>>Mana: Against who?

>>>Hikari: Us or the te-le-tub…skip it.

***

MONDAY

"Unit 01 has ceased activation! It's gone completely silent!"

shouted Hello Kitty Bridge Bunny Shinji.

"Reserve power has been completely drained!" reported Bespectacled-

Bridge Bunny Shinji.

>>>Rei II: The bridge crew looks different today.

>>>Mana: A lot better…’should we call Asuka?’

"What's the status of the pilot?" demanded Operations Director

Shinji who was in t-shirt, jeans and red jacket.

>>>Hikari: The major never looked so good ‘smiles.’

"We've got no readings from the entry plug at all!" said Long Haired and Guitar Playing Bridge Bunny Shinji. "There's no way to tell!"

"What will you do?" asked Scientist Shinji who was wearing white lab coat over his blue vest and dark pants. Oh, mustn't forget to mention the glasses.

>>>Rei II: I even think Akagi-san is rather attractive right now.

>>>Hikari: Shouldn’t we call Asuka? ‘the looks on the other two’s faces say no.’

Operations Director Shinji turned back to the Bridge Bunnies. "We've

got to retreat! Initiate Recovery Plan 17!"

-

"Ummm... I'm sorry, Asuka. I guess I'm a little tired," said Shinji

as he snuggled closer to Asuka and tried to go to sleep.

"Ooooh no, you don't," said Asuka. "You're not getting away that

easily..."

"Please, Asuka..." mumbled a totally drained Shinji. "No more...

please..." (*)

>>>Hikari: He still thinks talking to her will resolve anything?

>>>Rei II: He is too trusting ‘smiles softly’ which is good for us.

She began to trace lazy circles on his chest and deployed her ultimate weapon.

>>>Mana: Her fist?

"Baka-Shinji," she cooed. She knew he loved being called that. It

made him feel special. Only she called him that. He was her Baka-

Shinji. Asuka cranked up the juice.

>>>Hikari: I never noticed that before.

>>>Rei II: That is correct, others are called far worse.

"Antaaa baka..." she said in that characteristically Asuka sort of

way as she nibbled on his ear.

>>>Hikari: Ew…she bit part of it off.

>>>Rei II: ‘Wonder how it would taste…’ I dislike meat.

-

"Unit 01 is reactivating!" announced Bespectacled Bridge Bunny

Shinji.

"Impossible!" shouted Hello Kitty Bridge Bunny Shinji.

"Oh my god..." gasped Operations Director Shinji.

"...Berserker!" Scientist Shinji completed the thought.

>>>Hikari giggles: I cannot see Shinji doing that.

>>>Mana: We can always ask.

"We've done it," said Deputy Commander Shinji with quiet gravitas

as he watched the main screen. This Shinji had grey hair and wore a

brown uniform with a blue clasp.

>>>Rei II: This is not fair, the major’s taste in presents is lacking.

>>>Mana: So it can’t always be you, get over it. I’m NEVER in one of these.

Commander Shinji was in the Gendou Position (TM). For those of you

who don't already know, it means glasses shining with reflected light

as his white gloved hands are crossed under his nose, elbows supported

by the desk, looking generally foreboding and mysterious.

>>>Rei II looks depressed: He must truly love her to degrade himself so far.

>>>Hikari: Think he’d do ‘that’ if he didn’t?

>>>Rei II: You are correct ‘brightens up’ and since…’blushes’ I retract my statement.

The Gendou

Position (TM). Underneath those white-gloved hands, Commander Shinji smiled and made a small grunt of satisfaction.

>>>Mana: Won’t the bastard be pissed about the copyright?

>>>Hikari/Rei II: You’re point?

-

Needless to say, Asuka was very satisfied as well.

>>>Girls tilt head and blush: Not fair.

***

TUESDAY

The sound of something leathery hitting against flesh. Shinji could

be heard yelping after each strike.

>>>Mana: So who’s the sadist?

>>>Rei II/Hikari: Asuka,

Whether in pain or pleasure, the

author will leave to your own preferences. Whatever it was, Asuka did

not like it.

>>>Rei II: What?

She rushed through to the entrance of Shinji's room and threw open the door.

Her eyes bugged out and her jaw crashed onto the ground.

>>>Hikari: Misato-san must need to repair holes all the time.

>>>Mana: At least one a week I’d bet.

Shinji was held in place by an assortment of leather restraints,

chains and manacles. And Rei was wearing a very daring and creative

black leather outfit.

>>>Hikari: AYANAMI!

>>>Mana: What did you say about being a vegitarian?

>>>Rei II: I am not ‘eating’ the leather.

The author won't spoil the fun by describing

Shinji and Rei's getup in detail. Leaving it to the reader is so much

more fun since the brain is the biggest sex organ and most of us are

secret Class A perverts.

>>>Girls: OH KAMI! ‘Rei was a bit more passive voiced…say slightly loud.’

Anyhows, it was certainly daring and creative enough for Sohryu Asuka Langley, current reigning Queen of S&M to turn as red as an overripe tomato in amazed embarrassment.

"R..Rei!?"

>>>Rei II: I am in the running for Queen now am I?

>>>Hikari: Why is he yelling ‘Princess Princess Princess?’

>>>(Sorry it’s a Bakuratsu Hunters joke :) )

The whole thing was made even more scarcy by Rei's blank expression.

"It's always the quiet ones," she said flatly.

>>>Mana: Does she even enjoy things like that?

>>>Rei II: I don’t know, appears so.

***

WEDNESDAY

"Asuka..." whined Shinji, "how much longer do I have to keep at

this?"

>>>Asuka opening her door: I hear my name?

>>>Hikari: Yeah.

>>>Asuka sits back down: Good, maybe it’ll be better now.

"Until you get the job done!" said Asuka, leaning back in the sofa,

her hands behind her head. She smiled contentedly.

"Can't you at least give me a break sometime?" asked Shinji.

>>>Hikari: Slave driver.

>>>Asuka: Once we break him of his little ‘women are scary’ habit…’smiles’

>>>you better believe I’ll be a slave driver.

"You're so lazy! You could go on for ages! The tongue is the

strongest muscle in the body afterall..."

"But I don't like the taste..."

>>>Asuka blushing: How dare he say that about…about…

>>>Rei II: It is not what you think, you are to quiet.

"Too bad, baka-Shinji. You're mine today. And you'll do as I say..."

"Umm...Asuka?"

"What is it, baka-Shinji?"

>>>Hikari: How is it different from any other day of his life?

>>>Rei II: He is answering to only one person.

"What's the purpose of all this?"

"Why, it's to reply to all the fan mail that I get, of course! Now shut up and get back to work! And keep licking! I want all those replies to go out by tomorrow!"

>>>Rei II: You accept fan mail?

>>>Asuka: Yeah, don’t you?

>>>Rei II: I wouldn’t want people to know where I live, a lot of obsessed ‘fans.’

>>>Mana: One day somebody will come a’ calling for you ‘smiles wickedly.’

***

THURSDAY

"Wow, did you guys hack into MAGI?" asked Shinji, staring at the screen. It depicted the international MAGI linkup system.

"No, dummkopf," said Asuka, "we've accessed SDAT!"

"SDAT?" asked Shinji.

>>>Hikari: You’re looking up music players?

>>>Rei II: Would be harder than hacking the 20 ton paper weight.

"Maintained by Andre Garde, it is the ultimate Evangelion Fanfiction

Database," said Rei. A banner floated horizontally across the screen.

"Visit http://w3.to/superdat/"

>>>Asuka: Somehow I doubt that now.

>>>Rei II: Maybe when the movie was created it was.

"Oh, yeah, you're right..." said Shinji. Looking more carefully, he

could see the words 'New Stories' over the Tokyo-3 MAGI icon. The other

five MAGI terminals representing Houston, New York, Moscow, Hong Kong

and Berlin where fics were arranged by Title or Author.

>>>Asuka: So we’re watching a movie about us watching movies?

>>>Hikari: Makes you think doesn’t it.

>>>Asuka: Yeah, why I came back to watch this.

Asuka tried clicking on the Hentai section but was denied access.

"Underage my ass!" she fumed. "We get to make sweet love to Shinji

in this fic and we can't even read the lemons on this archive!"

>>>Asuka: Why watch it when you can do it?

>>>Mana: Trying not to break Shin-chan’s pelvis?

>>>Hikari: Looking up ideas for when you do?

"Well, I bet there's still a lot of interesting stuff in the normal

section," said Misato who joined them in the living room with a beer,

soda and a lot of popcorn.

>>>Rei II: She enjoys watching Shinji-kun too much.

>>>Hikari: Especially the naughty stuff.

Shinji noticed that Misato was eyeing him strangely. Somewhat like the way Asuka and Rei did when they... oh no. Yes, that's right. Misato's read the Hentai section.

Asuka growled. Rei raised an AT Field.

>>>Rei II: Would only take a moment to cut her in half.

>>>Asuka: Then have Shinji feed it to Pen-Pen.

"Just kidding!" said Misato, waving her arms in the air.

"You'd better be," said the Goddesses of Fire and Ice.

>>>Hikari: And you believed her…how sweet.

>>>Mana: More like too dense to realize the truth.

"Urm... how about we see Jim Lazar's 'The Garden of EVA'?" said

Misato, quickly changing the subject. The conversion device soon made

a motion picture out of the text on the database.

In the course of the viewing 'Book 0:0 - Bites!', Rei tilted her

head to watch herself tilting her head to follow the action.

"Fascinating," she said, "Very fascinating."

>>>Asuka/Hikari: OH MY KAMI-SAMA!

>>>Rei blushes deep red: Indeed…’tilts her head…again’ where did you send Shinji?

Shinji had his twelfth nosebleed.

"Rei is so screwed up!" laughed Asuka.

"At least I got to pop Shinji's cherry."

"Unlike in this fic!"

>>>Hikari: Asuka…you mean you…?

>>>Rei II: We both did.

"Ikari-kun loves me more."

"Does not!"

"Does too."

"Does not! Does not! Does not!"

>>>Asuka/Hikari/Rei II/Mana: Does!

>>>Mana/Rei II/Hikari/Asuka: Does not!

>>>Shinji in his box: What is that racket…where is Misato-san?

"How about we see something else? A romance story perhaps?" inter-

jected Misato. At the end of Chapter 5 of Alain Gravel's 'The One I

Love Is...', Rei, Shinji, Asuka, Misato gave the thumbs up.

>>>Rei II: Hated it!

>>>Hikari/Asuka: It was good.

>>>Asuka: You just hate it because I won!

"Hard to believe that English isn't his native language, isn't it?" said Asuka.

"There might be some overuse of the expression of 'surprise' but

the author has certainly taken great care in the technical aspects

of constructing the fic.

>>>Rei II: Then why did he lead viewers to believe I was Shinji’s love until the end?

>>>Asuka: Saving best for last.

>>>Hikari/Mana: ‘So full of themselves, Shin-chan loves me more than them.’

Some people just don't give a toss about their formatting, spelling or grammar. That can be to the detriment of what would otherwise have been an enjoyable fic. TOILI gets top marks, especially for effort and even-handed characterization."

>>>Rei II: I…

>>>Rest of them: Drop it!

Everyone stared at Rei who simply shrugged in response.

"Whacky comedy, anyone?" asked Misato pulling up 'Guess what I had

for Breakfast... and Other Works' by Mayhem of the Nicholas F. Toledo

Zu.

Asuka snickered. "No wonder Shinji's so keen to escape from us

Every time we feel the need."

"I'M NOT GAY!" yelled Shinji.

>>>A collective sigh is released…that they didn’t know they were holding.

"Even if you are, I will re-educate you," said Rei.

>>>Rei II: That would be enjoyable.

>>>Asuka shocked: Wondergirl! You’re almost as bad as the boxer thief! ‘looking at Mana’

>>>Mana: Wasn’t that you?

Shinji sweatdropped. "How about a fic where I do make up my mind?"

Misato selected Joyce K Wakabayashi's 'There's Something About

Misato and My Best Friend's Wedding from Hell.'

-

"Mmmmm.... Cameron Diaz..." The author took a moment to slaver

gratituously before returning to work.

-

"Haha! Shinji's rightfully mine!" gloated Asuka triumphantly at

the conclusion of the latest screening.

>>>Hikari: And you say that because Shinji and Misato had relations?

>>>Asuka: In the end though…

"It might not be a fair basis for comparison to our current situation. The EVA-Files universe is, after all, an alternate universe where the dynamics of the environment favor a Shinji-Asuka pairing.

>>>Asuka: Is their any better pairing for my Chibi-hentai?

>>>Rei II/Mana/Hikari: Yes!

Although representative of the general tendencies in the series, we should also keep in mind that 'There's Something About Misato...' is also a self-conscious parody of the EVA-Files situation itself. Of course, I'm out of the running because everyone knows that I'm Shinji's sister in the EVA-Files from the start.

>>>Mana: So shouldn’t you and your twin be out of the running now?

>>>Rei II raises her AT-Field: I am ‘NOT’ his sister.

As such, I move that while extremely entertaining, this fic is inadmissiable as a basis for making a judgement in our case."

>>>Mana: You look so much li…’thud’

>>>Hikari: YOU KILLED MANA!

>>>Rei II: No, she is mearly unconscious, should wake in about 10 minutes.

"But I move that 'There's Something About Misato' is indicative of an author's preference for a Shinji-Asuka pairing!" countered Asuka.

"The author exhibits no such bias in her creative process. Exhibit

B, please," said Rei who chose Joyce K Wakabayashi's 'Urusai Asuka!'

>>>Asuka: That piece of TRASH!!

>>>Rei II: You only dislike it because you are a demon and lose Shinji to me.

Asuka was, needless to say, furious. "What does everyone think

I'm so into S&M!?

>>>Hikari: You are aren’t you?

>>>Asuka: I refuse to answer that. ‘They must never know!’

And 'Shinji-baby'! And meditation! It makes me sick!

Wait till I sub-peona Wakabayashi-san to make a statement!"

>>>Rei II: I could go for some meditation about now.

>>>Hikari nodding: Great for releasing…stress.

"Will counsel for plaintiff and defendant please step forward," said

Judge Fuyutsuki. Rei and Asuka approached the bench.

"Yes, your honour?"

"Show me your teeth." Both girls facefaulted.

As they picked themselves off the floor, Asuka heard a sound reverberating through the courtroom. An African tribal chant with accompanying beat.

"OGACHAKA OGACHAKA OGACHAKA OGACHAKA OGACHAKA..."

She slowly turned around to see a translucent dancing baby, gyrating to the sound.

"What's this!?" screamed Asuka. "Asuka McBeal!?"

>>>Rei II: They put you into an American sitcom ‘smiles a tiny smile.’

>>>Asuka: Remind me to wash the stench off myself after this is over.

-

"Mmmmm.... Calista Flockhart..." The author took a moment to slaver

gratituously before returning to work.

-

"If this is Asuka McBeal, then Shinji must be Billy and I must be

Georgia," said Rei who actually flashed some teeth in her grin.

>>>Hikari: EEK! She has fangs!

>>>Rei II: Don’t you?

>>>Hikari/Asuka: ‘Poor Shinji’

"AAARGHH!!!" screamed Asuka as the fic reverted from the courtroom

back to the Katsuragi living room. "What are we going to have next!?

Asuka the Vampire Slayer (idea by Joyce K Wakabayashi)!?"

-

"Mmmmm.... Sarah Michelle Gellar..." The author took a moment to

slaver gratituously before returning to work.

-

Still seated in the living room, Rei, Shinji, Asuka and Misato

closed their umbrellas for the third time. "You know," said Asuka,

"this is really starting to piss me off!"

>>>Asuka: It really really is, I mean why can’t you girls realize what all these talented directors know, Shinji is MINE!

>>>Hikari: Rakna had me with Shinji.

>>>Rei II: Urasai Asuka had ME paired with him.

***

FRIDAY

"...and these are the sleeping arrangements," whispered Misato to

the study tour group as she slid open, just a tiny crack, the door to

Shinji's room.

>>>Hikari taking notes: Think this will work with us?

>>>Mana: oh…my head.

>>>Rei II/Asuka: That or nothing, Shinji honestly does care for us all the same.

Several pairs of eyes looked at what analogously was a sandwich

with Rei and Asuka as bread and Shinji as the filling.

>>>Asuka: But only two at a time…can’t have all of us in there.

>>>Hikari: Be one BIG sandwich.

Furious notes were taken before the door was lightly closed again so as not to disturb the sleeping threesome.

>>>Rei II: Sleeping like that would be pleasurable.

"Alright," said Misato, "that concludes the Tendou Corp Seminar

Tour on Possible Resolutions to A Complicated Anime Love Life."

As the group left the Katsuragi apartment, Misato noted on her

schedule that the 'Tenchi Muyo!' group was brought forward to next

Friday since the 'El Hazard' group had cancelled.

>>>Mana: I wonder if they’re as bad as us.

>>>Asuka: Same if not worse I’d bet.

"I really didn't think Makoto and his friends needed to attend this anyway," muttered Misato as she crossed them out from the schedule. "It had to be Ifurita right from the start."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" wailed Misato's drinking companion drunkenly.

"You've had enough, Shayla! Now gimme that beer!"

>>>Asuka: She actually asked for it?

>>>Mana: Why are all red-heads so spastic?

-

"Ummm... Akane-chan?"

"Yes, Ukyou?"

"Would the Ikari arrangement be acceptable to you?"

Akane paled slightly. "Well, how about Mon, Wed and Fri for me.

Tue, Thur and Sat for you? I don't think I'm quite ready for what we just saw just yet... even if you're the most tolerable of all the fiancees."

>>>Rei II: fiancé…has a nice sound to it.

>>>Rest of girls starry eyed: Yes…yes it does.

>>>Again Shinji felt a disturbance in the force…but didn’t seem to mind it.

"Sounds pretty good to me, sugar."

"Pervert Girl and Spatula Girl no share husband! Airen belong to Shampoo! Not learn from twisted Eva fanfic!"

"Oh shut up, Shampoo. Those three Eva pilots are this situation because of you and your stupid ramen," said Ukyou dryly.

"Is blind stupid Mousse's fault!"

>>>Rei II: A thank you card must be sent to that man.

>>>Asuka: And we need to make sure he never gets a pair of glasses that work.

"Maybe I should see that Major Katsuragi more often. We seem to have similar styles of cooking," said Akane.

>>>Asuka: Heaven help us its not possible for two people to suck that much!

"If you can call it cooking at all."

"Take that back, Ukyou!"

"Sorry, sugar. Reflex action. Say... aren't we missing someone here?"

"OHOHOHOHOHOOOOO!!!"

"No, Ukyou not mean Naga," said Shampoo to the White Serpent.

>>>Rei II looking down at her chest: I find myself better equipped than her.

>>>Mana: Must feel like a pair of sandbags…I mean look at the size of those things!

>>>(Sorry again but I mean Naga’s chest is…well scary)

"Say, when Lina Inverse had that pigtail in that Zefilia wine-making

scene in Slayers Perfect, didn't it remind you of Ranma-chan?" asked

Akane.

"I think it was a deliberate fan homage. Megumi Hayashibara does the

voices for both Lina and Ranma-chan afterall," said Ukyou sagely.

>>>Rei II’s face drops…but again nobody noticed.

"Can't believe she does Rei's voice too," said Akane. "And Pen-

Pen's."

"Hayashibara-san have knack for starring in kick-ass anime," said

Shampoo.

>>>Hikari: Is that true?

>>>Rei II: I do not sound like the bird.

***

SATURDAY

Shinji was getting a little worried. He hadn't seen Pen-Pen much

at all for the entire week.

>>>Asuka: Told it, that if it ever peaked on me again I’d skin him and sell him.

>>>Hikari: NOOOOO!!!!

Misato's pet had even skipped meals a few times. He decided to check on the warm springs penguin. Shinji opened the fridge door lightly and stared.

>>>Rei II: Illogical, if it needs warm water, why live in a cold place.

Pen-Pen stared back at him. The penguin had seemed to be typing on

a keyboard while ten black rectangular holograms floated in a circle

around him. Maps and other operations stuff lay scattered around him.

>>>Rei II: Seele is doomed.

>>>Asuka: Good riddance.

"Gomen..." said Shinji who returned the fridge door to its original

position. He decided not to think about it anymore and started to

prepare dinner.

Rei entered the kitchen just as he put his apron on.

>>>Mana: This can’t be good.

"Ikari-kun." She had that look again.

>>>Asuka/Hikari: What look?

>>>Rei II: ‘Mental note- Other girls yet to understand facial marks.’

Her face was impassive but let's just say Shinji had gotten to know Rei well. Very very well indeed.

>>>Mana: Sleeping together tends to do that.

>>>Rei II: Mutual feelings is what caused it, I believe ‘love’ is the term.

A slight twitch of an eyebrow, a faint quiver of a lip, the flash in those red eyes. Eek. And the apron really turned Rei on.

>>>Hikari: He’s joking right…right?

>>>Rei sweating a bit: No…he is not.

"Umm, Rei. I... I'd rather not, right now..." said Shinji feebly as

he pointed at the timetable on the wall. Next to the one allocating the

bulk of the household chores to him.

>>>Mana: A guy turning down a girl…Shinji truly is one in a million.

>>>Asuka: But every time! It’s just not natural!

In Misato's handwriting, 'SHIN-CHAN'S SPECIAL CHORES'(*) cheerfully

declared:

MON Asuka

TUE Rei

WED Asuka

THU Rei

FRI Asuka and Rei

SAT Shinji's choice (Asuka/Rei/Asuka and Rei/Rest)

SUN Rest

>>>Asuka: It’d have to be like this instead:

>>>Mon Asuka

>>>Tue Rei II

>>>Wed Mana

>>>Thu Hikari

>>>Fri Rei III

>>>Sat Asuka

>>>Sun Rest

>>>Mana/Rei II/Hikari: HEY!

"It is Saturday," said Rei.

"I know, Rei. It's just that... I'm a little tired. Please? I'll make it up to you on Tuesday..."

Rei considered it briefly and exited the kitchen. Shinji sighed in

relief. However he began to panic as Rei returned with a loaded cross-

bow a short while later.

>>>Asuka: You’re going to kill him! You’re obsessed with him!

>>>Rei II: Not all ammo is lethal.

He also didn't like that fact that she was aiming it at him.

"WAAAAAUGHH!!!" was Shinji's elegant response as he tried to make a dash for the exit.

XING.

>>>Rei II: What was that?

>>>Asuka: Looked like an old comic sound affect.

Rei was a very good shot. The net loaded in the bolt sprang open,

catching Shinji dead centre.

>>>Mana: He didn’t run away?

>>>Hikari: They broke him of his stride…impressive.

The more he struggled the more hopelessly entangled he became. Rei dragged him into his room and tossed him onto his bed. Shinji began to whimper as Rei slid the door shut and advanced towards him.

"Resistance is futile," said Rei. "You *will* be assimilated."

>>>Rei II: Assimilation is a very enjoyable process.

>>>Hikari: He’s doing a good job of resisting now though.

>>>Rei II: Eventually we will corner him.

***

SUNDAY

Shinji found himself seated on a deck chair in a theatre. He was surrounded by the entire Eva cast. Most of them were twiddling their thumbs, looking at the ceiling, humming songs, generally trying to pass the time.

"Urm... what's going on?" asked Shinji.

"What do you mean 'what's going on?', dummkopf!?" said Asuka as

she bapped him on the head.

>>>Mana: Can’t go one episode of anything without hitting him can you?

>>>Asuka: It’s an addiction, it’s just to much fun.

"We're waiting for Andrew and Part Four, of course!"

Rei nodded. "We are all waiting for Andrew."

>>>(But now that it’s out…WE WANT CHAPTER 5!)

***

"We did it," breathed Chairman Kihl. "We've won..."

>>>Hikari: Who were they fighting again?

>>>Rei II: It matters not.

It had taken much blood, sweat and tears. Of course, it really

helped that his forces included Evangelion Units 00-13 and the JSSDF's

992 N2 mines; the Eye of God and the Demon God Ifurita; the Tenchi no

Ken; Lina Inverse's Giga Slave and the Sword of Light; Uncle Jimbo's

arsenal; the Sword of Dios and many other artifacts.

>>>Asuka drooling: All that power.

>>>Mana drooling as well: It’s a beautiful thing.

Faced with an

overwhelming threat, the anime factions banded together as the Anime

Liberation Army. Putting aside their differences, they marched on the

Teletubbies' bunker.

>>>Hikari: The evil carpet trolls.

>>>Mana: With…tentacles growing out of their heads.

>>>Girls have a collective shudder at the shear vileness of that word.

And to victory. Even the Teletubby alliance with Barney could not save either of their skins.

"Grinding the Teletubbies to dust was way more satisfying than the

Instrumentality of Man could ever be. Now my work is done!" said Kihl.

>>>Asuka: Can we go home then?

>>>Rei II: Shinji appears to have recovered some strength.

His visor powered down and the sound of seriously heavy machinery

could be heard as Pen-Pen emerged from the robot-shell that was Kihl

Lorenz, SEELE 01 and Chairman of the Human Instrumentality Project.

>>>Asuka: Is that why Misato has him?

>>>Rei II looks at the penguin: Sir?

>>>Pen-Pen falls on his side and ‘warks.’

The penguin held up a sign: "To celebrate our great victory over the

Teletubbies, I declare that we shall all go to my place over at

Misato's!"

"Isn't it in a fridge?"

>>>Hikari: And doesn’t he think it would be a tad bit cramped?

>>>Mana: Mosh pit in the fridge?

"Yeah, but there's tons of free beer. Shinji's cooking is actually

quite good and he plays a great relaxing tune on the cello.

>>>Asuka/Rei II: He will be occupied.

I've also ordered a crate of carrots. Plus we might catch the pilots making out."

>>>Mana: Just making out?

>>>Hikari: They might not like having an audience.

A collective cheer went up as the group made their way to the

Katsuragi apartment.

"Yeow, I really dig blue-haired, red-eyed chicks."

>>>Rei II: That was Shinji.

>>>Girls: NO it wasn’t!

"Totoro has no taste. I prefer redheads."

>>>Asuka: ‘That’ was Shinji.

>>>Girls: Shut up.

"Ura introduce Kyle to Shayla-Shayla."

"Sweet!"

THE END

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

1. Now do you know why SEELE uses 'SOUND ONLY' for communication? ;)

2. (*) - Nods towards Rocci Cirone's wonderful 'Those Darn Eva Pilots!'

doujinshi.

3. Many thanks to Rocci Cirone, Andre Garde, Alain Gravel, Andrew

Huang and Joyce Wakabayashi for pre-reading this fic. Apologies to

Jim Lazar and Mayhem of the Nicholas F. Toledo Zu for dragging their

wonderful work into the mess that is 'Ramen'.

Ver 1.2 - 22 May 1999

Ver 1.3 - 24 May 1999

Ver 1.4 - 30 May 1999

contact: toheel@singnet.com.sg or teloong@cwcom.net

archive: http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/

(end MST)

Rei II: I feel…odd.

Asuka: ‘Dear Kami if its what I think it is…’ Lets go check out that present.

Hikari: Yeah, Shinji must have gotten you something really nice. ‘My mind is flooded with those images…good think Shin-chan isn’t here’

Mana: Damnit why you kick Shinji out! Oh hell lets go.

The make they’re way into Misato’s room and notice the big box.

Asuka: DAMN he must have wasted a lot of money on this!

Shinji: ‘Did I just hear Asuka?’

Mana: Can’t wait till it’s my birthday…or his.

Hikari: Get your mind out of the gutter.

Mana: You to, you’re STILL blushing.

Shinji: ‘Mana and Hikari…looks at his state of undress…oh no’

Asuka: Well Wonde…Rei open it up!

Rei II stands on Misato’s bed and opens the box and looks in.

Shinji looks up at her, blushes, and waves softly.

Rei II: Lock the door.

Asuka: What?

Rei II jumps off the bed and rips side of box spilling the speedo clad Shinji.

Hikari, Mana, and Asuka lock the door and they surround Shinji.

Asuka: Oh…Shin-chan I’m bored.

Rei II: Resistance IS futile, you will be assimilated.

Mana: Lets see that b-day suit!

Hikari blushing: No running this time…no running.

Well I’ll leave it up to you now…what happened? Like the author said, let you own lil Chibi-hentai out if you’d like to think they do something, or you can simply have Shinji pass out, you’re choice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

MST author notes.

I’m trying to trim down my mst comments abit, not the number of jokes but the number of lines per joke. Prereader of mine said to many lines tends to take away a bit of the funny ness. What do you think is it better like this or with more lines per joke?

Hope you like it and hope you read the next chapter.

Know what? Time for omake

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Zen typing at his computer: Ah another chapter done so now I can take a week and a half off from writing.

Walking up from behind, Chewy: Zen…slacking off again?

Golden Kitsune: Going to whine about how much you suck again?

Zen: Um…hi guys hows my favorite pre-readers doing?

Chewy: Upset, why are you so damn lazy!

Zen: I have lots of other stuff to do!

G K: Like watching Anime and playing games?

Zen: I have a job!

Chewy: You work 2 days a week!

Zen: Um…I’m getting another job.

G K: got it yet?

Zen: Well no…

Chewy: That excuse doesn’t really fly does it.

G K: And your constant hatred of your own work is…kinda depressing man.

Zen: But it does suck…I mean a one handed howler monkey could do bett…

Double THAWK

Chewy: Well he will be taking a week off…but not wasting time

G K putting his weapon away: More like recovering, could use the rest though

Chewy: Who him or us?

G K smiling: Us of coarse, I’m getting a beer and hitting the town.

Zen: Oro Oro Oro

---------------------------------------------------------------

Really I do appreciate ya guys, don’t know what I’d do with out ya.

My way of apologizing for all the times I’ve whined to you bout this stuff.

Hope you found it funny (everybody not just them :) )

Till next time

Ja-mata

Zentrodie (Zentrodie@secondimpact.com)