Santa Brahms

Santa Brahms Advice column! -have your music and life questions answered by Santa Brahms

Q:  I can't seem to come up with any good themes.  What should I do to get my melodic juices flowing? -Insipid Inspiration    A:  Dear Insipid, Simple triads are good for melodies, or if you're really bored, you could try writing an entire mvt based on the interval of a perfect fourth. -SB

Q:  Dear Santa Brahms, I love your music and want to write some of my own.  However, I have no musical skill at all.  What do you suggest?   A:  Go talk to Liszt. - SB     Q:  My friends keep bombarding me with ideas for my compositions.  I guess its my fault for asking them to look at the music, but...  I dont like all the advice.   A:  Thank them for helping, read their suggestions, absorb the input, then do what you were planning to do originally. -SB

Q:  I like to compose music for strange combinations of instruments.  I'm just wondering if you've done anything like that?    A: Not really. I prefer traditional instrumentation. Although, there was the time I had two horns, a harp, and a women's chorus... -SB

Q: I want to impress this girl.  What sort of composition should I dedicate to her?    A:  It depends on the girl, but if you're a serious composer, you shouldn't be worrying about women anyway.   -SB

Q: My arch nemesis keeps writing angry, unfair comments about me in his pet newsletter.  What do I do?    A:  Nothing.  If you're smart, you will dedicate a group of cutesy waltzes to a dumb critic, and forever have him on your side.  He will fight for you.  - SB

Q:  I'm writing a symphony, and all I need is a last mvt. I'm rather sick of the usual allegro or rondo forms, though.  Do you have any ideas?     A:  How about a passacaglia?  The worst they can accuse you of is overt intellectualism. -SB

Q:  I'm somewhat concerned about the dissonance that arises in some of my music.. how traditional should I be in regards to harmony?    A:  Dissonance is good as long as it acts according to rules.  11ths, 13ths, tone clusters, for example, are perfectly acceptable, provided they arise and resolve as a result of melodic motion. -SB

Q:  This girl I love is getting married to someone else.  I'm dying over here. What do I do?    A:  Find the most depressing Goethe text you can, set it to dark chromatic music for solo alto, men's chorus, and orchestra, then dedicate it as a 'bridal song.' - SB

Q: I want to write a large-scale work for chorus and orchestra, but I'm not Catholic. Does this mean I have to make an opera?    A:  Operas should be avoided at all costs.  For sacred music, pick unrelated verses from the Bible and string them together in various mvts.  Then call it a Requiem.  Add dash of soloists for seasoning.  -SB

Q:  I'm having problems with inspiration. I can't think of any good themes - with or without triads.  What to do??    A:  Study counterpoint.  -SB

Q:  I really like early music, but I feel kind of dorky writing vocal motets.  Is this ok for a modern composer or should I give up and become a professor of music history?     A:  Don't be discouraged. It's never too late to write motets. -SB

Q:  My best friend is being a real jerk.  He thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him with my other friend, but he's wrong.  He keeps complaining to me, and it upsets my composition.  He's just being an insecure idiot. Should I tell him off, or what?    A:  You should ignore him.  Then to make up, write a concerto for him. -SB

Q:  When choosing a choral program to conduct, how should I vary the music?   A:  Serious sacred music, while depressing ometimes, is usually the best.  Bach, Schuetz, Palestrina are safe bets.  If the audience can't handle 3 hours of funeral music, that's too bad.

Q:  I'm an aspiring composer (21yrs). I've made friends with a great musical family, but the husband has been institutionalized, and I've fallen in love with the wife(35yrs).  I try to help her, so now I'm stuck watching 7 kids while she concertizes.  The kids thinks I'm their dad, the wife thinks I'm her son, the husband is insane, everyone says I'm sleeping with the wife and I'm not, and all I can compose are QUASI-BAROQUE MINUETS AND GIGUES! HELP!!!    A:  Not touching this with a 10ft pole. - SB

Q:  I have this really hot piano student.  I can't concentrate when I'm around her; its driving me insane - what do I do - break down and ask her out??      A: Move away immediately.  -SB

Q:  So I sent some songs to this publishing company, and they said the piano parts were too hard!  THEN I told them I had a string sextet with easy parts, and they said they'd take it.  BUT they sent my piece back b/c they couldn't accept it on someone else's advice. WHAT THE FUCK?!    A:  Good question.  I'd write back and give them a piece of my mind.  You can always find another publisher.  -SB

Q: So I'm kind of at an artistic... wall - I can't compose anything.. Should I vacation? -Smoke opium? - What??   A:  Settle down for a summer and conduct a women's chorus. It should keep you busy, and inspired. (wink, wink) - SB

Q:  So what IS  "developing variation"?     A:  Beats me. - SB

Q:  So I fell in love with this singer.... and I tried to escape, but couldn't.  I eventually broke down and went to her house to propose on Christmas Day, but SOMEONE HAD PROPOSED THAT MORNING AND SHE ACCEPTED!  AGHH!    A:  What's the point of this whining? I think we've all been in this situation before! Ask me a real question next time!  -SB

Q: I have a lifelong friend who wants me to write a concerto for him, but I don't really feel like writing a concerto right now, certainly not of any quality.  Should I compromise my artistic integrity or let our friendship suffer? A: Artistic integrity always comes before friendship.  Besides, when you write the concerto, he will come back to you on hands and knees. -SB

Q:  I'm writing my first fugue for organ.  But what key should it be in? - confused in Connecticut    A:  Dear Confused,  Write solo fugues for organ in Ab minor.  It is a much neglected key, and very dark. SB

Q: Dear SB,  What's up with Rinaldo?  I mean - you didn't really write that, did you? A:...  It was worth a try and, for the record, it was NOT an opera.  -SB