| When Mary arived at the hospital in Freona, They spent about 4 hrs trying to stabilize her. They knew that they could not take care of Mary in that small hospital. They was having a hard time geting a blood pressure reading, and when they catheterized her no liquid came out. that meant that the kidneys had already shut down. After taking blood and doing some test on Mary they had her ready to transfer to Baptist St. Anthony hospital BSA in Amarillo Texas. At this point I left to get the kids in Portales. I told the kids that I did not know if Mary was alive or dead, and that we had to go now. We took off to Amarillo, to see how Mary was doing. We stoped at the hospital in Freona and asked if Mary had made it to BSA alive. We was informed that the ambluance had not gotten very far when Mary started blowing blood out of bothe ends, and the ambulance driver had called for the helicopter to take her therest of the way toBSA hospital, and as far as they knew Mary was still alive when she arived at BSA. When we arived at BSA we was taken in to a room with Mary in it and about 5 doctors. We was told that Mary was more dead than alive. Her blood pressure was 50/10. The doctors said that she was having trouble breathing and they needed to hook her up to a ventilator. When Mary had seen my mother in her last hours on this earth with that tube down her, Mary made me promise to never let them put one in her. That was the first thing that I signed for. I knew that if Mary was to have any chance to live, she would need the tube. In ER they found out that the kidneys, and liver had shut down. And her adrenal system had shut down, this is what makes your antibodies, also all of the cloting agents had left her blood. That ment that the blood was seeping out of all of her blood vessels. They had put two iv's in each arm, one in the top of each foot, one in the jugular, and one under her choler bone. They put a thing in her right leg at the groin that alowed them to measure her blood pressure. The first reading of the blood pressure with it was 50/10. They started filling her up with everything, potassium, saline solution, clotting agents, antibodies, and I don't know what else. There was about 75 bags, and bottles, and all running in to the 8 IV points that they had in Mary. They put something in to her heart to measure how it was working. They had to cut Marys rings off of her fingers. Mary had lost over 70 lbs, and when they got through filling her up the skin was tight. When I first went in to see Mary after they had transfered her from ER to ICU, I lifted up her arm andlooked at the under side of it. The blood had settled to the bottom of her arm like it is when they show a dead body on tv. It did not look good. The only things that was working in Mary's body was her brain, lungs and heart. Everthing else had shut down. Mary was mad at me because of the tube. The first night they had to get me to sign so many papers they let me sleep in Mary's ICU room. I think they did it more because they did not think she would last the night than any thing else. All the test that the doctors ran on Mary came back negative. The only thing that they could find was a little infection of the kidney's and liver. Those would not make her body shut down like it did. They started Mary on dialysis the morning of the 11. They hoped that by doing this it would take some strain off the kidneys and help them come back faster, also they had to do something becauses the blood gases was starting to build up. I was sleeping in the waithing room so that I would be there if they needed a signature for something. Mary was fighting for her life and was doing a good job of it. On the second morning I went in to see Mary and knew something had happened that night. I started calling the family together. I just knew that Mary was losing the war. Later that day the doctors told me that a blood clot had loged in the cerebellar part of Marys brain and caused Mary to have a stroke. It was easy to see that she had lost the use of both legs, they were swollen up and looked weird. I don't have the words to discribe how they looked. They started giving Mary 3 untis of whole blood, plus some blood plasma, and was feeding her through the iv. They was giving her a form of sugar and some lipids ( fats ). They nurse said the lipid like a eating baked potatoes with sour cream. Mary started fighting her way back up. She had a tube in her tummy pumping out the blood and a drain out the other end draining the blood out. Then the blood quite coming out the tummy, she was bleeding some where around the colon area. For a couple of days Mary seemed to be making progress. I had talked the doctors in to taking Mary off the ventalator. She had been breathing on her own for the last couple of days or so. They unhooked the hose from the ventilator. On June 20, 2002 the nurse came and got me and took me to a room where two police officers was sitting. I saw on their clipboard that they was from homicide division. That is when I got real mad. They asked me a lot of questions and then asked me if I knew what was going on. I told them oh yea, some SOB thinks that I am trying to kill my wife and you are here to arrest me. They said that no investigation was going on yet. That they was here so that they could call a State Trooper in NM and let him know who I was. Due to the fact that we live in New Mexico, the investigaation would be done by the NM State Police. They said when a 40 years old healthy woman comes in to the hospital in Marys condition and they can not find out what caused it. That it needed to be looked it to. On that I agreed with them totally. We set it up so the police could make a walk through of the house. They said that no investagation would start until Mary either got better and could answer some questions or got a lot worse. Later on that day Mary started turning yellow. The blood gases was building up faster that they could get rid of them. They had to put her back on the ventilator to help get rid of the blood gases. Mary was not breathing fast enough on her own. From 10 June to 21 June Mary put up a very good and hard fight for her life. On the morning of the 22 of June it was easy to see that there was just to much damage and Mary would not make it.Up till this day I was talking to Mary about moving to Amarillo so that she would be close for PT and after care. I knew that Mary had done some food shoping and bought stuff so that she could start cooking some again with our help. Scottie and Jessica came up that day to see their mommy. They did not know when they left Portales that it would be the day that they said good bye to their mother. Mary did not want the kids to see her die or in a coffen. So at 6pm the kids said their final words to Mary and left for Portales. I told the kids that I would be along later. After the kids left I made arrangements with the nurses and doctors so that when the time came I would be allowed to hold Mary in a hug the final few moments of her life. The doctors had no problem with me huging Mary as she left the body. I did not want her to be alone when the time came. From the time the kids left till the doc came and got me, I would walk down the hall and look in Marys room ever so often. I think that I was hoping that she would recover. The preist gave Mary last rights about 10 am that morning and they did not tell me Her body was bloating and her eyes was filling up with blood. The doctor came and got me about 10 pm. The monitors showed that the heart was failing. The nurses had put a wet wash cloth over Marys face. I lifted it up and saw that the face was so bloated that I didn't recognize Mary. I put the wash cloth back over her face to give her some dignity. I was watching the monitor and talking to Mary. When I saw that the heart was about to go, I lowered the bed rails and held Mary as close to me as I could . I talked to her and told her one last time of my love for her, and how the kids loved her. Thanked her for the best 21 almost 22 years of my life, and how I wished that it would have lasted 22 more years. I also told her that I wish that it was me in the bed dieing instead of her.I told her that our love would live on in Scottie and Jeccica and through the granchildren when they come along. I apologized to Mary about the tube and putting her through all the pain and all. I explained that I was greedy and wanted at least another 21 years with her and asked her forgiveness. They say that the hearing is the last to go, and that a person can hear for about 5 minutes after they die. I knew Mary was brain dead all ready and do not know if she heard me or not. Earler that day me and Mary had a good cry when I told her the same thing that I was telling her now. I hope that she heard me both times and understood me both times. Mary deserved better than this. I told her when we first got together that I would always love, honor and protect her from all harm, and I proved it to her through my actions and my words, it was like I had let her down when she needed me the most. Then I started wondering and still do, if I kissed her good morning on the 10. If I told her that I loved her. and if I told her how much she meant to me and the kids. Looking back on it now, I think that me and Mary both knew something was wrong, we just did not relize how serious it really was. I wanted to take Mary to the hospital in Clovis instead of going to the doctors office 120 miles away. NowIi play the IF game. If I had did this would Mary still be alive. In my mind I know that she would not be alive. I beleives that when your number comes up you will leave this world, but at the same time I am greedy and want more time and am trying to figure out how and what I could have done to get have more time with Mary. Mary has never been mad at me before and it really hurts me that she died mad at me. Mary never recovered enough to not be mad at me. In my mind I did everything that I could to give Mary a fighting chance to recover. The ventilator breathed for Mary for over 24 hrs. Maybe that is why she was mad, she was suppose to go then and I helped kept her alive on machines. Mary did not want any machine to keep her alive for very long, and it was a short time that she was on the machines. I am in a catch 22, damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where ever Mary is I hope she is looking at me and knows that I did every thing that I could do and did what I did do because I love her so very much, and wanted to give her the best chance to recover that I could. Mary was my wife, my best friend, my lover, my mistress, my girlfriend, my mentor, the mother of our children, my guardian angel, the wind beneath me, and my sole mate. Mary was and is my whole world. And I am so lost with out her. I was alone before I met Mary, and did not mind it. Now I am alone but it is like my whole insides have been ripped out and an empty shell left. Mary I love you more now than I did before, more than I did yesterday but not more that I shall love you tomorrow. R.I.P |