I am sitting in this beautiful studio in San Francisco not knowing what to do with myself. So I write because I wanted to do that sometime ago. Write about rubbish. What makes us humans more advanced or developed than animals is that we are not as blindly governed by our instincts as the overwhelming majority of animals or living creatures are for that matter. Certain types of birds always migrate to the east or west or south, or whatever. Salmon always goes against the current to try to reach its location of birth, or something of the sort – while not knowing consciously why they do that (in my opinion). Polar bears have their certain, predictable for the most part, patterns of behaviour. Except for the whale suicide, which probably until now remains somewhat mysterious that we can examine further, all such animals seem to be programmed to follow certain rules dictated upon them and govern their behaviour over extended periods of evolution and natural selection, behaviours as such deemed somewhat optimal to ensure the species survival in the current environment in which they live. With change in environment of course, some new borns might have certain genetic variation that would improve their chances of survival relative to their parents and such traits will carry through to next generations.
Stopping short from making this an essay on evolution, etc… I will get to the point.. It is with us humans that we are not as much controlled by our instincts as the animals. So we still have the instincts of hunger and sex, but generally for the majority of the people, we will not grab anyone’s food or rape anyone when the hunger or sexual urge comes out, maybe because of fear of punishment, or for genuine moral reasons, or through indoctrination in a social system that seems to have taught us some values considered virtuous for whatever historical reason. Or maybe we are just fighting our instincts – exhibiting self-control against impulsive behaviour.
I would like to argue, at first, that we have more freedom to determine our fate than animals. We migrate to different countries, take different educational paths or professions. Live in unlivable weather conditions for economic reasons. Take different hobbies or sports, so if we say that underlying all that are the instincts, the extent to which these determine our destiny are not as much as that of the animal. However, sometimes I look around me and see people’s depression, frustration, sadness, hopelessness, emptiness, confusion as to the meaning of life, loneliness, not having someone who understands or appreciates them, let alone care about them.. And at the same time I see people escaping from their mental state becoming forgetfull and oblivious, sleep walking shadows. They just walk or work or keep busy at what they are doing. Trying to blend in, not stand out. At the brink of explosion they implode or explode inwards. The majority of them though, will not commit suicide and that’s because we are governed by our instinct for survival. If I myself have thought of suicide in moments of despair – not as an action but as an idea – and I have all the luxuries that so many others are deprived of; a good salary, a nice job, nice apartment, a family that cares, friends, emotional and sexual satisfaction at varying levels in time, then how about the homeless, the door guy, the bus driver who takes the same route everyday, the street cleaner, the McDonalds cashier, the divorced, the widowed, the raped, etc… Go to India to see poverty at its extreme. Egypt where some people sleep in grave yards because of extreme congestion and lack of shelter in the cities. Iraq where some men are fucking dead corpses out of sexual desperation. Then it became obvious that all of those people must have thought about suicide at some point in their lives – probably more seriously.
Less women commit suicide as men do. I think the instinct of motherhood has a lot to do with this. You can look at it from a more human dimension. At some point in every women’s life, she will think about having a baby. Even for those women who do not want to have a baby at least they will seriously think about the whole idea from a psychological and emotional perspective. At her worst emotional state – feelings of depression and emptiness and lonliness, a woman will consciously or subconsciously think that having a baby will bring meaning to her life, will make her care about something, will have some other human care and love her, she would give all her love and life to the joy of this baby which is a part of her – emotionally and at first physically (they have to cut the embolical chord for god’s sake – it is a part of her. I am now curious if this happens with other mammals, if so how do they manage. I know Kangaroo mothers keep their baby in their pouch for sometime…) So the point is, even though we may think that we have evolved to a point that has made us so sophisticated in the arts and technologies and has led us to higher levels of spirituality and has liberated us from our instincts, the most fundamental question of life and existence, let aside religion and spirituality, whether to kill myself or to go on for another day, is for most people governed by basic instinct of survival.