SCENE I:

In a dark room filled with lab equipment, an ancient vietnamese scientist by the name of Uncle "Dorky" is working with a formula (with a note written saying "complete tart recipe made with Nitro-Glicerine).

Uncle Dorky: Ah, the invisibility complete. Oh my, better go brush my teeth, I forgot to do that about 40 years ago. Gee, and it's also on this 30 year agenda list too.

A list is seen in Uncle D's hand with the words, "Put on your clothes, use the bathroom, get some glasses..."

Dorky: Oh my, I also forgot to use the bathroom. Let's see here.

Dorky grabs his formula and spills a little of it on the toilet, oven and closet.

Dorky: Oops! I evaporated the toilet, oh well, no biggie. I'm bored. Hmmm, I think I'll mess with my cousin, cousin, uhh, I think Weenie. Oh well, does it matter? Last I remember when she was 9 all she ever did was smile.

SCENE II:

At the Youth Center's gym, Jason is teaching a karate class to teach a class but all he's doing is sticking his butt out and shaking it.

Student: Excuse me, but you've been gyrating your butt for an hour now, when are we going to get to class? I paid good money for this course.

Jason: Not now, I'm trying to attract some women.

A women walks over to Jason and Jason's eyes gleam in anxiousness when the women pours her soda over him.

Student: Can we get back to class?

Jason (wiping off wet tank top): Sure, I guess.

.....

Billy, Kimberly and Trini are sitting on bar stools at the counter of Ernie's Junk Food Bar.

Billy: When is someone gonna beat up on me?

Kimberly: Just make that dopey dumb look you did on the first episode.

Billy: That time, the writer jumped me. I'm talking about those noodle-heads getting their regular arcade fix.

Kimberly: Trust me, I've got the writer under lock and key.

Trini: Maybe that's why this episode stinks.

Kimberly: Shut up.

.....

The other side of the center, Bulk is droning away at an arcade system (that wasn't there a few episode earlier) and Skull is watching him when it stops and says "You Lose--Insert 25›, Deadbeat Lamer."

Bulk: Aw nuts, I'm all out of quarters.

Skull: Why don't we try something new for the purpose of this show? Why don't we beat up on Billy and take all his money?

Bulk: How much do you think he gets paid?

Skull: Two quarters more than you. Of course we only get paid 15 cents a week.

Bulk: Good idea, c'mon, let's beat him up.

Billy: Hey guys, I'm ready...

Bulk and Skull surround the boyish Billy.

Bulk: All right jerk, gimme your money, I want some quarters.

Billy: I'm afraid I'm all out.

Zack: But you just gave me....

Billy (talking out the side of his mouth): Shut up, mop-face!

Bulk: Sh'yeah right, last I remember, you're only saying that cause you only get 65 cents a week.

Billy: So what? I've gotta eat.

Bulk: Ya do?

Billy: I am a living breathing mammal, but I'm not sure I can say the same thing about you. See ya.

Bulk: Where do you think you're going? Grab him!

Billy: Huh? UGH!

Bulk and Skull grab Billy and turn him upside down and jug him up and down when all his money falls out of his overalls.

Skull: Hahahahahaha! Hey look at that, he's got 40 dollars!

The entire junk food bar's customers whip their heads around towards the main scene.

ALL: HUH?

Billy: I lifted a wallet.

ALL (drably): Oh.

Man: So that's why my pocket is hollow. GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY!

Billy: Bulk took it. Put me down, ahhh!!!

Bulk: Toss him into a ditch.

Skull: You mean Ernie?

Bulk: No, the other one.

Skull: Oh.

Trini: How come you let creeps like them in?

Ernie: They're paying customers. Just MAYBE I'd kick em out if they had guns.

Billy: You're pathetic.

Kimberly: So are you, Billy. No more Saturday Nights until you get a tough bone.

Billy (dopey): Oh.

Trini: Hey, my Uncle Dorky is a scientist and he's coming over.

Billy: Not even scientific gibberish can make me feel better now.

Dorky walks into the Junk Food Bar with his formula looking like a sneaky deviate (of which the customers coincidently don't notice). As he's walking by, everyone faints over the smell of Dorky, whose penetrating old smell kills off half of Ernie's place of business.

Ernie: Who are you? And when's the last time you took a shower?

Dorky: I knew that was what was missing on my agenda list. [Begins jotting down in note-pad]: Take a shower, buy new clothes, WASH clothes.

Ernie: Whatever, just gimme that bucket of Jello.

Dorky: Here, just don't drink it.

Ernie: You think I'm dumb enough to do that?

Dorky: [Deep Breath] Nevermind, just switch the scene.

SCENE III:

We fade to Rita's palace balcony.

Rita: Finster! I'm angry! I want a monster!

Finster: Coming up my queen. Ah, this one is oven baked.

Rita: Really, that must make him special.

Finster: No, that simply means I've found a way to make Dom DeLuise's poop not so soft.

Rita: I want him special!

Finster: For that, you cook him for 15 more minutes.

Rita: Let me see that recipe. 17 cups Dom Deluise poop, 20 cups P.B. Crisps. You're right. Well what are you waiting for?!?!

Finster: I'm not waiting, I'm just trying to fill up 2 minutes of time.

Rita: Why?

Finster: I was told to.

Rita: Well tell the bum to stick it because we already have time consumers. Just take a look at MegaJunkaZord's transformation?

Suddenly, we cut to a 2 second long MegaJunkaZord Transformation stock film.

Finster: But Uncle Dorky's taking up most of this show.

Rita: Why are you making me wait? Get to the monster! [Rita swings her magic wand pointing it at Goldar, Baboo & Squatt] You marble heads, grab Uncle Stinky's invisibility formula.

Goldar: You heard her.

Baboo: Right.

SCENE IV:

Goldar, Baboo and Squatt appear inside Uncle Dorky's house and enter into his time home-made lab.

Baboo: Man, it smells in here.

Squatt: Smells like someone died in here 5 years ago and is still here.

Goldar: Silence! Hey look at that, that says "Do Not Touch"--grab it. What's in it? Check if it's what Rita wants.

Baboo: Right, uh--what was that again?

Goldar: The invisibility potion, ya moron.

Baboo: Oh, right.

Baboo and Squatt both grab a bottle and drink what's in it. Baboo begins to choke and gag as does Squatt.

Baboo: I don't feel so good, I feel sick.

Squatt: I don't feel so good either, I think I have a stomach-ache.

Goldar: You morons! I told you to check it, not drink it. Now we're gonna have you use up Finster's spiderlegs juice to aid you back to health.

Baboo: Thanks, I think I'm about to pass out.

Squatt: I'm riding off the deep end.

Goldar: OH great! What are we going to tell Rita when she finds out you two got sick, and we _didn't_ get the formula?

Baboo: Maybe tell her she has a male secret admirer. G

oldar: Oh shut up. Come on.

SCENE V:

Rita is hitting kneeling Goldar, Baboo and Squatt on the head with her huge wand.

Rita: You dummies! You ignoramuses.

Dumb Warrior: Hey touts, I'm out of the oven, could you stop banging at those invalids and tell me what I'm supposed to be doing?

Rita: Right, I'll deal with you toons later. Go down there and kidnap Trini's urine smelling uncle and interrogate and torture him until his gives up the location where he put his invisibility formula.

Warrior: The monster always gets the tough job.

Rita: That's because you're scary.

Warrior: No I'm not, I just look like someone's afternoon potty accident.

Rita: Who cares? I could care less if you looked like a skid-mark in somebody's old underpants. Just kidnap Uncle Stinky and give that formula to me.

Finster: By the way, why do you want it?

Rita: Simple, I'll drink it, grow big and destroy those rangers and they won't know what hit 'em.

Finster: This is going to be a bigger bomb than "Howard the Duck."

Rita: What did you say?!?!

Finster: Oh, nothing.

SCENE VI:

At the Junk-Food Bar...Billy and Co. are sitting on the stools talking over some things.

Billy: I'm always getting picked on.

Jason: That's 'cause you're a 12 year old trapped in a 17 year old teenager's body.

Billy: Without my brain, I don't think I have much to live for.

Jason: That's because you don't.

Trini: Don't worry, you just wait til Uncle Dorky comes over and teaches you something.

Zack: That's another thing, how come Billy becomes tough, pumped dude when he's morphed? Does the suit control every skill and movement he has?

Trini: Who cares?

Jason: Well, I was chatting with Alpha last night with my communicator.

Billy: You Chat with Alpha?

Jason: We're not friends or anything...but still; he was telling me about some powerful spirits of the morphine coins. I dunno.

Suddenly, a huge fat, smelly man approaches the gain.

Uncle Dorky: Hello there, I'm... I'm... Uncle Dorky.

Billy: Do you even have a first name?

Dorky: Sure, it's Uncle. Ahhh, cousin. . . cousin. . .

Trini: Trini!

Dorky: Who?

Trini: TR-I-N-I!

Dorky: Ohh, beany! Nice to see ya again.

Trini: TRINI!

Dorky: Trini, oh right. And who are you you, young, well fine man!

Billy: Compared to you, anyone is a young man. [Quick sniff] Ew, Did you shower!?

Dorky: Yes.

Billy: Something's seriously wrong with you

Trini: Meet my Uncle, he is a scientist and a martial artist.

Billy: Wow, a Karate Expert and Scientist, he should prove useful to me.

Dorky: I will teach you how to properly center to the balance of the center of your mental focus.

Billy: Just teach me how to fight, Mr. Karate Scientist. I'm getting a shortage of my juice. My power. My needs. My sex!

Dorky: Right, come with me.

Jason: It's a shocker he knows how to talk still.

Kimberly: Compared to him, Jason looks smart.

Jason: Yeah, heehehehehe [everyone laughs with him]. HEY!

SCENE VII:

Billy and Uncle Dorky are outside in the abandoned part of the park practicing karate, when Dorky is just forcing his fist forward.

Billy: Uncle, you're slow.

Dorky: What do you expect? I'm 92 and I just came out of the hospital.

A bunch of Muddies appear and begin to harass them.

Billy: Oh look, Muddies. They have red eyes. Wait a minute, these are the Super Muddies saved for later episodes!

Warrior: That's because you have to be super to withstand the smell.

Billy: You have a point. UGH! They're pushing me about! What do I do, Uncle?

Dorky: I don't know! You're the young one, help me!

Warrior: Too late whimp, we're taking this guy to the potpourri sprayed dungeon and we're going to grill him and hang him on the rack with his shirt off for extreme tickling! Hahahahaha!

Dorky: Remember what I taught you!

Billy: What was that?

Dorky: Nevermind, it's in the script, read it.

Billy: Right. Hmm, warn the rangers. Wait a minute, Phill; there was supposed to be balloons that explode that have an old bulletin from the year 1110 for Trini.

Phill: But who's watching?

Billy: You're right.

Dorky is carried off..

SCENE VIII:

Billy "Clinton-Jogs" into the Junk Food Bar where the rangers are.

Billy: I've got something to tell you guys... You see, some monster...

Ernie walks up to Kimberly and gives her a bunch of black balloons.

Trini: Ew.

Kimberly: Hey look at that, Black and Purple balloons.

They begin to self-pop with a note that falls out of one of the balloons written in blood.

Trini: Hey look they explode, cool!

Kimberly: What does this note say?

Trini: It's in `Great Big Words' Font, can't you read that?

Kimberly: Oh, it says, "if you ever want to see your uncle again" -- dot dot dot.

Zack (sounding like he's reading): That has to be one of Rita's monsters.

Billy: Brilliance. Sheer Brilliance. You should be put in the science hall of fame. The world's equally dumbest and worst actor on a children's television show.

Zack: Hey, I've only got three lines in this stupid show. I've got to make the best of it.

Kimberly: Besides, Billy, that's `Barney & Friends.'

Jason: I found the rest of the letter, but it's in milk chocolate.

Trini: That's because Zack was snacking, apparently.

Zack: Hey, you'd spit out your candy bar if you thought someone was sending loads of TNT to your household.

Jason: It says, "give me the formula."

Ernie: What formula?

Jason: Well it looks like Colgate toothpaste, except it's a little liquidy.

Zack: How'd you know?

Jason: It's in the script.

Trini: My Uncle Dorky, he's in trouble.

Billy: That lint-head would probably smell better dead than alive.

Trini: You're right, but we're taking over where "Dudley Do-Right's" season cliffhanger left off, so we have to rescue anyone, including the unshaven, lice-stricken, old meat bodies.

SCENE IX:

In a cave underneath the mountains, Dumb Warrior is seen poking some dull stick at Dorky's ribs while Goldar's tickling him to death, Squatt is rewinding the same episode of `The Facts of Life' and Women's Rights strikes. After a while, Dorky begins screaming and crying because of so much tickling.

Dorky: Stop it already! Oh, ugh!

Warrior: Are you going to give me your secret cough syrup, or not?

Dorky: I drank it.

Goldar: What poop-head means is, where's your invisibility formula?

Dorky: You're not supposed to ask that until I've asked you what you want.

Warrior: Well now you know, where is it? Cough it up!

Dorky: I don't know.

Warrior: Then we'll make your niece Trini talk!

Dorky: You can start her talking, but you'll be sorry!

Warrior: Oh I will, will I? You're just trying to hide it. Hahaha, I'm going to beat it out of Cousin Smiley! And have you singing the "Star-Spangled-Banner" on your way to the moon at the same time--with a body missing.

Dorky: NO!

SCENE X:

Billy: I don't like the sounds of this.

Jason: Well how are we going to fix this problem?

Zordon (Through the communicator): Me! Ya marble-heads, didn't you remember?

Jason: Who are you?

Zordon: Zordon! You fools, I knew it was a bad idea putting me in the tenth scene. Just teleport to the command center and I'll tell you what's going on.

Jason: Okay. C'mon guys. [Short pause] Oh wait, how do we do that again?

Zordon: You press the button on the... oh shucks; I'll do it for you!

The five rangers are teleported to the command center.

SCENE XI:

Alpha is seen sitting on a pillow in the corner with incense burning.

Alpha: Man, what a trip. Yo dudes, pieces to the world; what's hanging with you?

Trini: Have you been getting into my things?

Zack: Huh?

Jason: Nevermind him.

Billy: You can say that easily, you don't have to un-scramble his memory circuts.

Jason: Annnnyway, what goes on Zordy?

Zordon: Don't call me that, pathetic ranger. Dumb Warrior is going to make things really terrible.

Trini: That clears things up Real nice.

Jason: Zordon, you left out the part about Uncle Stupid.

Trini: That's Uncle Dorky.

Billy: Yeah, like it's any improvement.

Zordon: Oh yeah. He's in a cave someplace receiving tickle torture and being forced to watch a really crummy Women's Right's Protest and the same episode of The Facts of Life a thousand times over.

Zack: Let's pray that it isn't the series pilot.

Jason: Man, that's awful.

Trini: No one deserves that kind of torture!

Zordon: Rush Limbaugh does.

Billy: Or one of those "cute" little Olsen twins.

Kimberly: Well, am I, like, going to get, like, a line?

Zordon: Sure.

Kimberly: Well, ah; ah -- um, ah... I forgot.

Zordon: Holy meatballs.

Zack: I'm inclined to believe that WAS her line!

Kimberly: Oh yeah, now I remember. I like them.

Jason: Who?

Billy: The Olsen Twins, SHEESH! Is there an epidemic of brain-loss leaking out the ears going around?

Alpha: Woah! Talk about bad trip. My memory finally kicked back online and my motor program's re-booted.

Zordon: Would somebody please de-toxify Alpha?

Billy: I already did.

Zack: When?

Billy: I just did; according to the script, you don't HAVE to do everything in the script. Just say you did it.

Jason: Makes sense for reducing on parody space consumption.

Zordon: ANYway, you idiots, while you're standing there babbling, Uncle Dufas is un-attended, and could be singing seven tracks to heaven.

Billy: Why?

Zordon: Don't you remember the letter in the balloons I sent, dah I mean Dumb Warrior sent?

Kimberly: That was you?

Zordon: None of your business.

Jason: Right, we're on it, just give us a location.

Zordon: 1313 Kemoto Lane, next to the pizza place on the I-5 there's a sandy desert island, in there you'll find an abandoned cave King Jinx had exploded in and there'll be Uncle Smelly.

Trini: Uncle Dorky!

Zordon: Yeah, whatever.

Jason: It's morphine ti...

Zordon: Not yet, you're just rescuing Uncle Slinky.

Trini: Ahhh... Nevermind.

SCENE XII:

The rangers are in billy's Rad Bug lost in traffic and stuck in grid-lock on the freeway.

Jason (talking into communicator): What were those directions again, Zordon?

Zordon: Forget it, I'll just teleport you there.

Jason: Thanks.

The Rangers are teleported out of Billy's car and the car is left in traffic backing things up about four miles.

----------

Later, the rangers all arrive inside the cave that Uncle Dorky is in, where we find stacks of red boxes marked, "T.N.T." most obviously like in the cartoons.

Billy: C'mon, there's Uncle Pissy.

Trini: [Deep Breath] Nevermind. Uncle Dorky, are you okay?

Dorky: Besides excessive internal hemorrhaging due to ridiculous amounts of tickling, I'm doing swell.

Kimberly: Uh, what do the words T.N.T. spell?

Billy: Forget it. I gotta deactivate the bomb.

Dorky: Focus whatever the hell I taught you.

Billy: Uhh, right. Ahh, here it is [hand over his eyes] Eeenie meenie, miney mo, catch a tiger by his toe, if he hollers make him pay, 50 dollars everyday, my mother told me to choose the very best one.

Billy quickly yanks out a red and blue wire from the bomb and, miraculously, it's defused.

Billy: Hey it worked!

Jason: I aughta choke the stuffings out of you! Do you realize we could've been blown to bits if you picked the wrong one?!?!?!!

Billy: I do whatever's in the script, and it clearly says that the rangers survive and so does Uncle Smelly.

Dorky: Dorky! Geez.

Billy: What was your real name again?

Dorky: Zwieback Farley.

Billy: Cool name.

Trini: Run along, or well rather, creep along.

Jason: All right guys, IT'S MORPHINE TIME! (Finally.)

Zack: Majormess!

Kimberly: Pterodorky!

Billy: Tribladdertops!

Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat!

Jason: TRASHOSAURUS!

The Rangers teleport to this vast park.

Trini: WAIT A MINUTE! What was this big Uncle Dorky thing about? Rita never got the formula, and all we did was let Uncle Dorky go.

Billy: Why did I do it?

Trini: Shut up.

Billy: Watch this.

Billy starts acting fast and doing cool moves on the monster.

Billy: Ta da!

Jason: That's nothing. Watch this....

Warrior: Can we just get on with this? We've already used up 19 minutes and 486 lines on this dumb Uncle Dorky thing.

Jason: Right! You're mine!

They begin to jump in the air when Warrior throws magic twinkies at their chests that explode to gooey liquids that fade the color of their suits until they turn white then they fade back to normal color..

Jason: AHHH!! [Struggling] Twinkie... innards, burning my...in-sides. YOU won't get away with this!

Warrior: Who says? I smell worse than Cousin Smiley's Uncle Dorky!

Jason: You're right.

Rita: All right you garbage heads, you think you're so smart? See if you're smart enough to take him when I make him GROW!

Jason: Simple. We need DinoJunk power now!

They play the stock footage really fast.

Jason: Hey look at that, we got inside in only 5 seconds!

Warrior: Duh...two plus two is fifteen. C-A-T, duh, Banana; B-A-T, Extraterrestrial. Umm, fifteen plus twenty-two, 365; duh, H-A-T, ta-BACK-OH! {tobacco}

Jason: What is he doing?

Zack: It sounds like he's trying to think.

Jason: Huh?

Kimberly: Think about his name Jase?

Jason: Oh no.

Billy: Yes, he's going to make MegaJunkaZord go into neural shock over his extreme stupidity. We don't need more of this, we've already got Jason, ya creep!

Jason: Yeah, I... wait a second!

Billy: Forget it.

Warrior (singing alphabet): Duh, X-E-Z-Y-G-R-S, Q-A-U-V-G-I-F...Uhhh..

Trini: Why is this monster so stupid after Rita made him big?

Kimberly: Maybe everything grew, except his brain. It certainly is annoying listening to his brains trying to think. I can almost hear the gears turning.

Jason: That's it! This dumb monster's had it! We want the PlasticSword now.

Billy: Want?

Jason: Okay, we NEED the PlasticSword now!

The cafeteria butterknife emerges from the parting clouds as MegaJunkaZord catches it. Soon enough, MegaJunkaZord slashes Dumb Warrior's appendages.

Zack: Well, aren't ya gonna finish em?

Jason: Sure, but anyone this stupid needs to reel in pain first.

Billy: Gimme that control.

Jason: Give it back dork!

Billy: Over my running nylon-spandex!

Billy and Jason keep tugging at their lollipops until Jason's Red lollipop until it breaks off.

Billy: Now look what you did! We have no full-frontal control! This lollipop has no purpose.

Billy tosses Jason's pop over his shoulder.

Zack: It does for me. [LICK] HMMmm!

Trini: Forget it, I'll do it!

Jason: Nyeah!

They finally destroy the monster after he's stepped on just about the entire city.

SCENE XIII:

In Ernie's Junk Food Bar, Jason is teaching a karate class and Billy is there.

Jason: ...And for no real reason Billy, you get this yellow belt.

Billy: Good choice, you barbel-brain.

Jason: I've just about had enough of you...

Kimberly: Shut up, it's time for Bulk and Skull to earn 15 extra cents.

Bulk: Hahhhaha, well well, if it isn't the geek getting a yellow belt?

Skull: Yeah, what he said.

Bulk: Would you shut up?

Billy: Listen, I don't have the time for this...

Bulk: Oh no you don't!

They begin picking on him and pushing him back and forth and breathing in his ear while Ernie finds out he can't eat Uncle Dorky's odd looking Jello and puts it on the shelf.

Dorky: My formula.

Ernie: You don't deserve it, you should know better than to leave your cough syrup any ol' where.

Dorky: Time to teach those boneheads a lesson.

Trini: What do you think you're doing.

Dorky: Whatever I want, but since I've got no karate skill besides forcing my arm, I'm gonna have to do something else.

Dorky drinks down and holds in his mouth the green formula when he disappears.

Zack: Is this show like, produced in the year 2195?

Bulk and Skull are laughing like hyenas while pushing Billy all around.

Bulk: Nyahhahahahaha, dork!

Suddenly, Bulk sniffs something--it's uncle Dorky's bad odor and they fall to the floor in fear and Billy leans over to them.

Billy: Fellas, remember, always pre-heat the oven before baking cookies.

Bulk: Uhhhh!!!!

Bulk and Skull scramble and run away

THE END

(C) 2003 Phill. Enterprises

NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS...

Kimberly's Uncle Steve takes her flying!

Kimberly: Hey, Trini. Guess what?!? I'm gonna have soooo much fun today! No! I'm not rubbing it in. Well, I already know your life is dull and... Of course you couldn't get any, but that's not what I mean and... Well, fine! You can just drop dead! Yeah, and I'm keeping the CD Player too! Yeah, well, I can make a rude noise over the phone too! Yeah, listen...

But Rita wants to give her the ol' heave-ho and turn that plane into junk.

Rita: Would you quit thinkin' small!?! I'm going to have Squatt personally in Uncle Stevey's drink. Squatt's spit is so venomous that he'll heave in convulsions and pass out for 14 days! Hahahahaha!! Then, when we have Kimberly splat into the face of the earth like a pancake, we can harass the other rangers with my Sneezers monster!! HAhahaha, this is ingenious!

Can the Rangers defeat the the Sneezers monster? Is Uncle Steve Kato Kaelin making a surprise appearance? Will Bulk and Skull finally buy the farm? Can you stand this show anymore? Find out on the Next episode of the Pathetic Rangers!