SCENE I:

In the Youth Center, depressed Kimberly and Trini are sitting at the Junk-Food Bar where Ernie's serving two cups of vanilla ice cream.

Ernie: Hey girls, why are you so depressed?

Trini: Well 2 reasons.

Kimberly: A, I saw you undress for the sauna today by accident and then had to go to my eye doctor. B, because Trini is such a suck-up to her dad, who is an executive of TOEI Inc., Trini agreed to baby-sit for her dad's boss's daughter, who's some rich kid whose dad goes to Miami every other week and so she's feeling, poor and alone. And, Trini insisted that I'm her friend, so I was forced to help Trini be big-sisters to this snot-nosed, wheel-headed, bubble-gum face who goes around snatching hair off of the Angel Grave men's chests after they step out the shower.

Billy: That's not how I thought it happened. I thought Trini bribed you, Kim.

Kimberly: Funny; that's the same way I became Trini's friend.

Billy: Hmmm, that's really weird. Oh well, I'll go off into the horizon never to be found again in this show. And one other thing, while you're griping about being her Big Sucker (hence, the name of this parody), where is she? And what's her name?

Kimberly: Maria. And I think she got out of our sight when we decided to get something to eat.

Trini: Gee, I wonder where she went?

Kimberly: I really couldn't care less. But since this IS the Pathetic Rangers TV show, we're gonna have to find her.

Trini: That won't be hard. Look.

A bunch of naked men with towels wrapped around their waists are running out of the showers, cold and with stinging chests. And the rangers are seen laughing when one of the men whips Jason on the head.

Jason: Ow, what was that for?

Body-Builder: How would you like it if I ripped off your shorts, threw you in the shower, and someone turned off all the hot water!? HMM?!?

Jason: I didn't do that.

Trini: I think I know who did, but I think I won't tell just to see Jason on his knees groveling at this much larger guy. Jason: Please, don't... Oh no! I'm on TV. Help!

Jason gets smacked and thrown around.

Jason: You girls are going to pay for this.

Trini: All right, Maria, what's the big idea giving everyone in the showers hypothermia?

Maria [says uncaringly]: It's fun.

Kimberly: Aren't you sad, lonely and depressed and seeking attention?

Maria: No, I only said that just as an excuse to torment you.

Trini: That... that!!! Oooooo!!

Kimberly: Well it's not very fun, here was the deal, Papa Trini's boss payed us to take care of you, and you're playing the poor innocent little girl.

Maria: What a bad rap. Oh well. I don't like this show. And I'm going to torment you anyway.

Trini: All right, you naughty little ulcer, we are going on a picnic. I'm going to _pay_ you to shut-up and be a nice, good little child. And if you don't, I'll beat your little butt 'til is starts to turn the color of Billy's shirts.

Maria: Well geez, who stuffed the rat down your underpants?

Kimberly: You did.

SCENE II:

We picture Rita's palace then fade to a picture of Rita pacing back and forth actually thinking of a plan then snaps her fingers.

Rita: I've got a plan. All right, you monkeys, get your behinds in here.

Baboo: Is it pay-day?

Squatt: Is it sleep-day?

Goldar: Is it bread and water day?

Rita: NO!

Baboo: I thought Friday was that day.

Rita: I changed it to Thursday. You'll have to wait another week. But I called you because I found something I pulled from out of my magic book. It's filled with stuff about this magic tool box. Except it's filled with eggs instead of magic saws.

Finster: What do you want me to do?

Rita: Make me a monster. A disgusting one.

Finster: All right; I'll go whip up something from the script of "The Dark Crystal." Here it is.

Rita: What are you going into the freezer for?

Finster: I have to de-frost him first.

Rita: Why? What is it?

Finster: It's the southern fried Funky Chicken. See, when foraging for food; I narrowly escaped security at Pioneers Chicken for food when I found an old 1954 chicken. He got frost bite, but I was hungry and so I took him in. He's kinda old, he'll probably just repeat himself over and over again.

Rita: Make him, he sounds repulsive.

Finster glues together drumsticks and chicken wings and throws it into the monster matic and he comes out with a yellow, bad breathed chicken monster holding giant wire-cutters.

Rita: What a disgusting sight, he makes me sick just looking at him. He's perfect.

Funky Fried Chicken: Thanks for your lovely opinion of me. You're not very polite.

Rita: You're not supposed to be either. Now shut up and do what I say. Open that chest of eggs.

Funky Chicken: Right!

SCENE III:

At the picnic in the park, Maria begins grabbing banana's out of the picnic basket and sits on them repeatedly.

Kimberly (annoyed): Hey Maria, cut it out.

Maria: Okay.

Trini: I think you got to her brain.

SCENE IV:

Goldar, Squatt and Baboo walk into a dark cave with pre-lit candles on two brown dirty stands on the sides of a doorway into a dark entrance. They walk into the chamber with a stool in the center. On top the stool is a small chest marked, "Here It IS! Come and get it, No Pay Required. You'll get a real BANG outta this!!!" Behind it there's an electrical cord attached to a standard household electrical outlet. Squatt tries to open the chest and as soon as he touches it, a visible blue current surges through his right arm. Soon, his entire body is wrapped in a glowing lightning blue beam when finally Squatt turns around and his rear is smoking with soot covering his rear.

Rita: AHHHH!!!! I can't open it!

Squatt: YOU CAN'T OPEN IT!?! SHEESH! My butt aches.

Baboo: Maybe it doesn't like you, Rita.

Rita: EVERYONE LIKES ME!!!! NOW SHUT UP! Only a child it seems can open this.

Baboo: According to this book, only an OBNOXIOUS kid can open it.

Rita: We have just the person. Muddies, grab Maria!

SCENE V:

Maria: ...and so, that's why my dad takes pictures of me getting out of the bathtub.

Kimberly: I can't eat anymore chips. I think I have a stomach-ache.

Trini: You're sicker than Kimberly.

Kimberly: At least when my dad asks me to gyrate nude on the coffee table he, pays me.

Trini: Yeah, she's normal [weird face and pause]. . . maybe not.

Kimberly hits Trini on the shoulder.

Trini: Ow! Yeah, she's okay!

Maria: You two are sick and too afraid to admit it.

Trini: At least we don't go around running to hospitals and tearing off patients' bandages and un-plugging life-support machines.

Maria [smiling and jerking in joy]: That was fun!

Trini: Yeah, well when we got sued by the hospital it wasn't that much fun for us.

Kimberly: Yeah, I had to sleep with the 85 year old chairman of the board to knock off the assault charges.

Trini: Look, Muddies!

Kimberly: I got an idea, how about we sacrifice Maria and run for help?! Maybe they'll be so angry at her, they'll let us go.

Trini: Kimmy!

Kimberly: It was just a thought. You got a better idea?

Trini: Let's try fighting them. If we try to rescue Maria, maybe my dad's boss will give us more money.

Kimberly: Money, money, money. Is that the only thing that matters?

Trini: No, love... never mind.

While the two are arguing, two muddies are carrying Maria off into the trees by the arms.

Kimberly: Look you flat-face, while we've been yapping about nothing, the Muddies ran off with Maria.

Trini: Maybe she'll tickle them 'til they can't take no more.

Kimberly: If anything, they've probably muzzled her.

Trini: Yeah, true. Let's shut up and warn the others.

SCENE V:

At the Junk-Food Bar, Ernie brings a bathtub of ice cream to Zack and Jason is standing there sticking his finger in his mouth while dipping a small spoon into a paper cup full of non-fat yogart.

Ernie: Okay; One double- mega- idioticly- huge-triple-banana-split-chocolate- malt-chocolate moose-whipped cream- chocolate chip- sprinkled-double- sugar with wax cherry on top with artificial flavouring [heavy-breathing] You two's dessert is comin' up.

Jason: You can't eat that. You just can't. No way, it's impossible...

Zack: Sure I can! I haven't eaten since last episode. Besides, I've got room place to digest this, how about you?

Jason: I can eat.

Zack: Really? With that ego of yours? You're so full of yourself, what could you possibly eat?

Jason: Yogart.

Zack: Oh please.

While Billy is waiting for his milk shake, his eyes widen as he notices Kimberly desperately running up to the three.

Kimberly: We've got a paradox situation here. See, Rita kidnaped Maria, which is good, what's bad is that she's also probably sent out a monster.

Billy: This is confusing, why would Rita kidnap a little girl?

Trini: Little girl?? That's no little girl, that's werewolf with pig-tails!

Billy: Well, since we've gotta get some pay, we're gonna have to save her and again defeat Rita's monsters. Which is gonna be kinda hard without knowing what it is.

Kimberly: We just teleport stupid.

Billy: Lovely, but how?

Kimberly: Do I have to do everything?

Billy: What I'm trying to say, luv-mound, is that the communicators aren't working. It's just that since the writers informed the unimportant character of the day (that's me), of how everything was gonna go, I invented ahead of time (inside 15 minutes) the Rad Wreck.

Trini: Sounds really hi-tech.

Billy: Yeah, it's really cool. It stands for R.etchit A.ccident Dumptruck; W.ith R.andom E.xhaust C.ompulsion K.eck.

Trini: You don't know what you're talking about, do you?

Billy: Absolutely......not.

Jason: Interesting?

Zack: Aren't you even curious as to why it only took Billy 15 minutes to put this contraption of junk together? Kimberly: Sounds pretty intact to me.

Billy: I'm not so sure of it, though. See, I drove to the city dump and put some sinks and scraped car parts together and then furnished it with some plutonium and there you have it, the Rad Wreck. Its sole purpose is to take us to the command center without using our communicators whenever Zordon keeps the computer busy playing Konkey Dung with Alpha.

Jason: How'd you know about that?

Billy: Alpha confided in me when we were trading secrets about Kimberly's secret wardrobe.

Kimberly: BILLY!!

Jason: Let's go.

Zack: Wait a second! I never told anybody I was sold on that flying death trap.

Jason: The writers don't care if it's garbage on wheels! We've got to get here or we will be absorbed in an endless series of old puns.

Zack: Okay okay, what can it do?

Billy: Besides, make automatic black coffee by holding a coffee mug under the exhaust pipe when you first start the engine, it can go zero to two in five minutes.

Jason: Well that's not so good.

Billy: True, that's only if we've given it Diesel Fuel; if we give it kerosene fuel, it'll go 0-3000 in four seconds.

Trini: Fine, but what are we going to do when our bodies are buried in the car seats from going too fast?

Kimberly: Nothing, it's a set.

Jason: Enough yappin', let's go.

The five run off.

SCENE VI:

An old Volkswagon is seen flying through the air with a water-heater attached to the back and an egg-timer is affixed to the hood complete with rabbit-ears antennae attached to the top. The Rad-Wreck finally arrives inside the command center in front of Alpha.

Alpha: It's, it's an old car.

Billy gets out of the car and then the others do.

Billy: No it's not.

Alpha: Then what do you call it?

Billy: I call it the...

Zack: You don't wanna know.

Alpha: Oh, okay. But rangers, how did you get here? Communications and teleportation has been down for hours!

Billy: Yeah, WHY IS THAT?

Alpha (nerviously): Uhhh... uhhh...

Zordon: Nevermind that, behold, cherish and observe the images you see on the optical viewing globe.

Trini: Did we need that?

Zordon: I despise you, Yellow Back Ranger... Rita has created The Funky Fried Chicken by stealing an old frost-bitten chicken from Pioneer's Chicken. This is so that she can get her dirty mits on the Morphing Eggs.

Kimberly: What?

Alpha: Morphing Eggs!

Billy: We heard it the first time.

Zordon: They hold the powers of good that stack the deck against the bad guy in every Good vs. Evil story in the history of repetitive story writing. If Rita gets them, the good guys will finally have an ACTUAL chance of losing, unlike before. Thus, you will actually have to WORK to overcome her evil.

Trini: What does this have to do with that little doody-head?

Zordon: You mean Maria??

Jason: Everybody seems to know, huh?

Zordon: Rita needs that thing called a child to open the box because only the innocence of a child can touch the ever powerful Morphing Eggs.

Kimberly: What?? She's as 'bout as innocent as Andrew 'Dice' Clay!

Trini: And just as obnoxious.

Zordon: I know it doesn't make any sense, but I only read what's on the cue-cards.

Zack: Then remind me to shoot him the next time I see 'em.

The sound of several cards falling to the floor and a man running off the set is heard.

Zordon: There goes my lines. Anyway, go out there and get the Morphing Eggs away from Goldar...

Jason: ...of all people...

Zordon: ...and return them to the sea. Then destroy Funky Fried Chicken.

Billy: Okay, let's go then.

They all cram inside Billy's junk on wheels with it set in reverse as he stomps on the gas pedal and it spins its wheels backwards until the car ends up in a wall.

Billy: Whoops.

Kimberly: Nitwit.

Billy changes gears and drives out the Command Center.

SCENE VII:

Maria is seen with each limb attached to a rope hanging her in mid-air against a wall while the bad guys are threatening her.

Baboo: Okay, ya little brat; open the case or we'll pour some fruit juice down your throat!

Maria: Okay, anything but something...NATURAL!!!

Squatt: Good, we've got 'em.

Goldar: Okay, Baboo; hurry up and grab the case and let's get outta here!

Baboo: You act like we're in serious threat.

Goldar: We aren't, it's just that I can't STAND Maria anymore!

Squatt: But aren't we the BAD GUYS?

Maria: I won an honor award for being able to annoy anybody that I look at.

Funky Fried Chicken: I'll take care of the little monster.

Goldar, Baboo and Squatt run out of the cave onto the unknown, unused non-private beach as the Rangers show up in the clonker called the Rad Wreck.

Goldar: What the hell is that!!

Billy: It's the Rad...

Jason: Shut up!

Goldar: Okay, Rita we've gotta get outta here so we need some help!

Jason: It's morphine time!

Zack: Majormess

Kimberly: Pterodorky

Billy: Tribladdertops

Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat

Jason: Trashosaurus

ALL: Pathetic Rangers!

Goldar: I hate this...

Goldar weeds threw the Rangers as Yellow Ranger kicks Funky Chicken in the gut when grissles shoots out of its mouth.

Funky Chicken: I hate the forward version of the hiemlich maneuver!

Jason: Let her go right now!

Goldar busts up laughing.

Goldar: You want her?! YOU CAN KEEP HER!

Rita: No you dope, we use her as a hostage for the Eggs!

Goldar: Some hostage, this would be more impressive if we had Elvis Presley.

Jason: Tower Formation!

Trini and Kimberly jump up on top Zack, Billy and Jason's shoulders when they whip out their BladeBlasters and blast the case into the ocean.

Rita: No! No! Get the eggs, stupid! The eggs! Don't let them float away!

Goldar: Get 'em yourself!

Jason: We need DINOJUNK power!

The Zords land right on top of them from out of the sky.

Zack [straining]: Another fine goof-up courtesy of Red Ranger incorporated.

Jason: Shut up, Zack. Get...off!

The Zords levitate up over the Pathetic Rangers and land elsewhere. Meanwhile the Rangers stumble around from being crushed and limply jump into the air.

Trini & Kimberly: Hiya!

Zack & Billy: Aye!

Jason: Hee-ya!!!

One by one, each Ranger ends up in the cockpit of their Zord.

Zack: Whooo, this is kickin'!

Billy: This is kickin' my butt!

Trini: Trini here, why do you repeat others lines?

Kimberly: Everybody needs a little KFC!

Jason: Activate your lollipops!

All Others: Activating Lollipop-power!

Jason: Let's form MegaJunkaZord!

Rita: MegaJunkaZord, [raspy sigh]; Funky--string up Maria. I'm suddenly in the mood for some tether-ball. Hahahahah!

Trini: Hey, you leave her alone!

Rita: Ahahahaha, hey Funky! Show them what we think of their threat.

Funky Chicken starts sticking his tongue out at the Rangers and spitting.

Jason: Now look what you've done, Trini. Now we've got to use the windshield-wipers.

Suddenly two long black polls are swinging back and forth across the front window where we see the five Rangers wiping away the spit.

Jason: Better.

Rita: Enough games, cut the rope already! We don't need her anymore, especially since the Rangers don't.

Maria: HEY! Like when am *I* going to get some attention here?!?!

All: SHHH!!!

Jason: TOEI will stop lending us this footage if we don't rescue Maria.

Trini: Never mind, I'll use my Yellow popsicle to move MegaJunkaZord's right arm to catch Maria.

The rope is cut and MegaJunkaZord's body jerks forward to catch Maria.

Billy: I'll remote control my Rad Wreck to us so that Maria can be driven off a cliff, ah I mean, to safety.

Jason: Maria, get in the car, quick!

Maria: You don't have to tell ME Twice. Uh, what was that again?

MegaJunkaZord's hand flips dropping Maria on the ground.

Maria (Wiping off her rear): Okay okay, I'm going I'm going!

Maria jumps inside the car and it drives by itself.

Rita: Fine, if you don't hand me those Eggs I'll just grow my Chicken up really, really tall so he can destroy your stupid zord.

Jason: Haven't you been paying any attention to the plot? It won't happen, believe me.

Rita: Then why do I even try?

Goldar: Shut up, and do it.

Rita: Fine fine; grow Chicken!

The Funky Chicken grows tall.

Funky Fried Chicken: Old McDonald had a farm and a Funky Chicken on that farm and he's gunna go Eee-I Eee-I all over your face -- poo-poo style! Muahaha!

The Funky Fried Chicken is so heavy from being tall, his legs penetrate through the ground and he begins to sink into the ground.

Funky Fried Chicken: Uh-oh!

Funky Chicken is buried so deep into the pre-set loose soil until only his head is poking up from out of a manhole.

Funky Fried Chicken: Help me, I'm stuck!

Jason: Easy.

MegaJunkaZord steps on Funky Chicken's head and he explodes underground when we see smoke bilowing up out of the cracks of the ground.

Goldar: You are so lame, Rita.

Rita: If I didn't have a headache, I'd, I'd...!

Baboo: There's always another show!!

SCENE VII:

Kimberly is grabbing Ernie's bowl of chilli at the Junk Food Bar.

Ernie: Hey look, see, since my dog and I won't eat this slop, this chilli's on the house, it's really smelly and, ah I mean, it's real good stuff.

Kimberly: Chilli is on the house.

Bulk is just sitting down eating an ice cream all by himself when Kimberly runs right into a table deliberately and throws the bowl of chilli at Bulk.

Bulk: What's this? I didn't even say anything. I wasn't even gross.

Kimberly: Sorry, Bulk.

Bulk: I am talking to my agent. I demand to know, who wrote this script!!

THE END

(C) 1999 Phill. Enterprises

NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS...

Squatt becomes bored after watching the same episode of Gilligan's Island 20 times at different timeslots on different networks and decides to fool around with Billy's stuff illegally as par Rita's orders! Squatt approaches Billy's new invention--a mind reading machine and begins tampering with the wires.

Squatt: Hehehehehehe... Blue Ranger's brains are gonna be more scrambled than a disintegrated omlet! Hehehehe, HUH?!?!

...Re-wiring Billy's mind-reading machine places Kimberly's brain in Billy's body and vice versa!

Kimberly: My machine messed up and uhh.... 'fraid to say this, but ah, your brain is in mine and mine is in yours. Billy and Kimberly: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

...to make matters worse, Rita sends down an evil monster who's looking for work after not being asked to be the bad guy in the Aladdin TV Show!

Rita: I specifically asked you NOT to get caught!

Squatt: But I didn't! Billy's Nazi Association of America's Totality of Alarms kicked me out!

Rita: That doesn't make any sense! Now get outta here. FINSTER!!! FINSTER! I want you to MAKE me a monster, and now!!

Finster: ....Ahhhhh!! Here's something I found; it's Aladdin's lamp; I stole it before they were able to make plans to create "The Return of Jafar."

Can the rangers destroy this monster? Will they play kickball with Alpha's bucket-head in anger over him stealing their limelight by figuring out how to end this monster's reign himself? Will Billy and Kimberly play with each other's mixed up private parts forever? Are Billy and Kimberly in love? Or is it a sick way to avoid calling their relationship cheap sex? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!