Phill. Enterprises Presents:
Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers
"For Whom the Bell Kills"
Parody of "For Whom the Bell Trolls"
SCENE I:
A banner above the blackboard facing the Angel Gave High classroom with the words, "Hobby Week". Principal Capbutt helps the rangers' series-long teacher Miss Appleweed in through the door.
Appleweed: Hello everybody.
All: Hello Mister (I mean) Miss Appleweed.
Appleweed rolls her eyes.
Trini: Hi Mrs. Appleweed, oh and by the way, thank you for those delicious cupcakes you baked us.
Everyone in class starts looking at the five rangers like teacher pets.
Obnoxious Kid: Jason. Bathroom. Three o'clock.
Jason: Have you had fourteen years in karate training?
Kid: No.
Jason: Then shaddup.
Appleweed: Okay class, today begins Hubby Week. You're supposed to all show your...
Billy: Excuse me Appleweed, I think you mean Hobby Week. Hubby is a Husband.
Appleweed: You married?
Billy: No, but I soon will be...
Billy winks at Kimberly as she blushes. Zack and Jason make barfing signs by sticking their fingers in their mouths.
Appleweed: Anyway; Bobby Week.
Billy rolls his eyes.
Appleweed: We'll start with Zachary.
Zack: Hi, my name is Zachary.
Obnoxious Kid: Hey idiot -- Zachary who?
Zack: Zachary.
Kid: I meant your last name, dope.
Zack: Zachary Zack. Now get off my back, feet-smells-like-cheese. Now I am going to demonstrate my latest dance, I created.
Zack brings his boom-box and pops a CD in the machine and presses play.
Zack: Here's a new dance I developed all by myself.
Zack starts dancing like an egpytian then start doing the vouge.
Appleweed: That looks vaguely familiar to the Vogue which can be seen in THIS Madonna video!
Zack (meekly): Ah he, ah, a hu, um, yeah.
Bulk: Huh, any gay wad could do that.
Skull: Yeah, like you.
Bulk: Shut up Skull, or you'll be using your nose as a pencil eraser.
Skull: Uh, yes sir.
Trini: Hey you goons, one of these days some 'gay wad' is going to pommel you and you wont even know what happened.
A hefty body-builder type starts evily grinning at Bulk and Skull.
SCENE II:
Kid: When I grow up, I'm going to collect bags 'n stuff and they'll be filled with these wonderful smelling clothes, see Appleweed?
The obnoxious kid shoves his black plastic bags towards Appleweed, she takes one sniff and nearly turns green.
Appleweed: Uh, that'll be enough of that. Jason!
The kid sits down next to his other immature friends.
Another Obnoxious Kid: Hey stupid, what's your last name?
Jason: Bite my butt.
Jason goes to the front desk and starts trashing everything doing his karate.
Appleweed: I think you better go sit back down.
Billy: You know, you should really look into a name change.
Appleweed: I'm fine with my name thank you. Kimberly!?
Kimberly bounces up to the desk. She reads a piece of paper and then drops it on the floor.
Kimberly: Well my hobby has a little something to do with this.
Kimberly takes out a make-up kit and clothes hangers with skimpy and tight clothing out of a small suit case.
Kimberly: See, I'll put this stuff on and, well... Hey! Who wrote my project?
[Briefly pauses then assumes an annoyed grin] Billy!
Billy is snickering.
Kimberly: Oh well. Anyway I'm going to be a cartoonist - bye.
Appleweed: Um yeah. Trini?
Trini gets up with an enormous smile on her face as she goes into the closet and rolls out a table full of all troll dolls.
Trini: I collect dolls. See this $760 one?
Bulk: Rich bitch.
Trini: Anyway! I collect dolls. This is my favorite, Mr. Ficklesneezy.
Zack starts laughing until he falls out of his chair.
Jason: You're going to laugh so hard, you'll give yourself a wedge in your shorts.
Zack: Sorry.
Zack gets back into his seat.
Trini: Hey bum! You gotta problem with the name?
Zack: Yeah, it's cheesy.
Trini: Oh yeah? Come on!
Zack: You wanna get tough?
Trini: Yeah!
Trini and Zack start goating each other into a fight.
Appleweed: Class, Class, Class! Trini, nice dolls.
Trini: Thank you, Miss Appleweed.
Trini sticks her tongue out at Zack.
Zack and Trini start goating each other into a fight again.
Appleweed: Class! No need to get hostile. Now one more outburst like that, and Bulk and Skull get detention.
Bulk: Us? Why us?
Appleweed: Because it's not in their contract to ever get detention unless absolutely necessary. Otherwise, you're our handy stand-by's.
Skull: Nice to feel appreciated.
Appleweed: QUIET! Now then, Billy?
Billy: Thanks.
Kid: Hahahaha, what's your name, Four-eyes?
Billy: Billy.
Kid: Billy who?
Billy: Billy.
Kid: Hahahahaha.
Billy: I'm not letting some chowder head know my last name.
Kid: It's probably because your dad's some dork accountant with a funny name.
Appleweed: Does it matter?
Kid: It matters to trivial kids like me.
Billy walks up to the front desk and sits his lunch pail down on the teacher's desk and pulls out a balogna sandwich with electrodes attached to it connected to an electric battery.
Billy: This is my electromagnetic-subatomic-super-conducting MegaSandwich; it's delicious! Packed with radioactive Balogna. I got a deal for that for only 2 bucks at the grocery store. Wanna bite, Miss Appleweed?
Appleweed: Leave me alone with that stuff!
Billy: Okay.
Appleweed: Class dismissed. Next week's assignment, fish and their habitat- why do they need it?
The classmates empty the classroom when all that are left is Trini, Billy, Bulk and Skull when they come up to Trini with an attitude problem...
Bulk: Hahahaha, Snicklecheeser!
Skull: Yeah, BrittleTweezers!
Skull grabs one of the raggedy looking dolls and tosses it around a bit.
Trini: Skull! Gimme it! Put it down. No! Leave that $2,439 doll alone!
Skull: Here, Bulk; catch!
Trini: No you don't!
Billy: I'll get it!
Trini grabs it.
Billy: Oh, why can't I ever be the heroic savior?
Trini: Because you're a weenie.
Bulk, who was trying to catch the doll, bites down on the 5,000 watt sandwich that Billy shoves in Bulk's mouth and when Bulk chomps down on it and starts twitching in electrical shock.
Billy: Delicious huh?
Bulk (Vibrating from the shock): [Ayeyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy]
Billy giggles.
Trini: Come on, Billy.
SCENE III:
We zoom in on Rita's Palace too fast until we reach the balcony where Rita screams.
Rita: Ugh! That Trini! I never got to play with dolls when I was a little girl!
Baboo: But sure enough you play with us everyday. Hehehe.
Rita: Shut up, duke for brains! I want a doll! I was too busy learning how to put people under evil spells and trying to figure out if I wanted to marry Zordon or not.
Baboo: Bad choice. Zordon was butt-ugly then.
Goldar: What are you talking about? He still is!
Baboo: Yes, but at least his face is distorted.
Goldar: Oh yeah.
Rita: Anyway, this Ficklesneezy Doll could be of some use to my evil plans. I'm going to turn that cheese belly into a gross, snarling and disgusting monster!
Finster: I have the cookbook. It says here he collects stuff in his magic 1965 Music Box, except he's captured one thing, I don't think is very pleasant.
Rita: What's that? Finster: Mariah Carey. But other than that, this is a total foolproof plan. Difficulty rating, oh, 76 percent.
Rita: Huh?
Finster: Dah I mean, 2 percent my queen.
Rita: Uhhh.
Finster: Always hunting for easy money.
SCENE IV:
Establishing shot on an estate, we fade to Trini is sitting on her bed, for once in her bedroom looking at all her dolls on her nightstand while wearing a robe with nothing under it.
Trini: Good night, Mr. Ficklesneezy. And, because my mom and dad are gone, I can have some fun tonight.
Zack is outside Trini's bedroom window hanging from a rope suspended by a grappling hook on the roof when he climbs up he finds Squatt sitting on the ledge eating a banana while humming.
Zack: Dee-hee! Holly crap! I thought you were Trini! It's just Squatt. Get out of my way, blueberry nose. I wanna get a free look, tonight Trini's gonna sleep nude.
Squatt: Why?
Zack: Cause her mom's not home. And I figured that Trini would need to get her pent up sexual desires off with herself. So, tonight's nude night, and I'ma peekin'!
Squatt: That makes sense. Huh? Well, I have something far more important to do.
Zack: Like what? Shave your legs? Get out those bumblebee pimples in your face?
Squatt: Now you've gone and hurt my feelings.
Zack: What's to say Trini doesn't wake up because of all this senseless yaking?
Squatt: I don't know, that's why I want you to shut up and let me do what I'm supposed to do.
Zack: You're going to pay for this. Man, nude night, DAMMIT!
Inside Trini's bedroom..
Trini: Goodnight, Ficklesneezy.
Trini slips her robe off and all we see is her bare back since she's facing the window in which Zack was looking through. She does away with the robe and lays back onto the bed on her right side. She turns out the lamp and we start hearing creamy sounds emanating from the bed. Meanwhile, Squatt appears inside Trini's room with a remote control look-a-like device. A blue light surrounds the Ficklesneezy doll and blows it up to be life-size.
Ficklesneezy: Doh.
Squatt: Shhh!
Trini squeaks with pleasure.
Ficklesneezy: Sounds like fun!
Trini: Hmmm?
Squatt: Uh oh, I'm outta here.
Squatt fizzes away like a Soda Pop with the huge doll.
SCENE V:
Ficklesneezy is standing around in front of Finster's MonsterMatic before Rita and her Gang.
Ficklesneezy: Gee, it's kinda weird being alive and all; I don't know if I'll like it.
Rita: Perhaps you'd like me to change you back into a two inch dirty piece of uncleaned plastic sitting on top a nightstand all day.
Ficklesneezy: No, no, no, no, no! I like it, I like it, I like it!
Rita: Good. All right, pus-man; what do you do?
Ficklesneezy: Didn't Finster tell you?
Baboo: She has sudden memory losses.
Rita: No I don't! What did you say?
Baboo: Oh brother.
Finster: According to this book of myths, legend, sex, lies and video tape; Ficklesneezy collects anything in his Music Box of which he considers a goody, whatever that is.
Rita: Well I remember now, you collect stuff.
Rita: Down to earth you will go and collect the Pathetic Rangers and be my personal slave. Understood?
Ficklesneezy: YES MA'AM!!
SCENE VI:
Trini and Billy walk out onto the parking lot of Angel Grave High School where she walks up to this expensive looking car, takes out a key and opens the door
Trini: How do you like the new Rolls Royce my dad bought me for Christmas?
Billy: Your dad bought you a Rolls Royce?
Trini: Sure, I'm rich.
Billy: You're just rubbing in the fact you have a Rolls and I have a studdebaker.
Trini: Hahahaha, you're right! Hop in. See how it feels to be in a car you'll never get to be in, see or be near as long as you live.
Billy: I have half a mind not to bang this thing up right now.
Trini: Now now, then an ugly lawsuit would get into the picture.
Billy: I never liked you. Just take me home.
Trini: Okay.
Billy gets in with Trini and she starts the engine and drives out the driveway onto the street and merges with traffic.
Billy: My car is in the shop.
Trini: For the 500th time?
Billy: Trini!
Trini: You know what's odd?
Billy: That you actually grew breasts?
Trini: No! That Ficklesneezy is gone.
Billy: What are you going to do with that old cheaply put together piece of plastic anyway?
Trini: I have no idea, but if I throw it away, my dad will think I don't love him.
Billy: I thought you always said you didn't.
Trini: I don't. I just don't want him to get that idea or he won't buy me that expensive gun he promised me.
Billy: Huh? You're starting to give me the creeps. I'm glad this is all a great big nightmare.
Trini: It is?
Billy: Oops, you're not supposed to know that. You know what would make this nightmare gross?
Trini: What?
Billy: Is if I fell in love with you.
Trini begins to momentarily drive recklessly and then resumes normal driving.
Trini (Deeply breathing): Don't DO that, Billy!
Billy: Hahahaha, would serve you right if maybe you had a car accident, this hunk of trash your dad was stupid enough to buy you would look like instant junk.
Trini: You're just jealous. I don't know why I agreed to drive you home.
Billy: 'Cause Jason didn't want to.
Trini: Why?
Billy: Because Zack didn't pay him enough.
Trini: Hmmm. Billy in my car; it's about this time I wake up drenched in sweat.
Billy: Oh very funny, Ironing Board Chest.
Trini stops at a red light when suddenly Ficklesneezy appears with his box in front of the expensive car.
Billy: Hey look, it's Ficklesneezy 10 times more gross and stupid.
FickleSneezy: Hi, my name is FickleSneezy.
Billy: And thanks to your expensive piece of trash, we're going to die!
Trini: It's your stupid fault, you should've guarded my toys.
Billy: Oh yeah, like when I get a boner, I decide, "Hey, I think I'll go to Trini's house and guard her stuffed animals."
FickleSneezy: Gee, what a nice goody. Too bad there's that little piece of rot inside it, but I guess it'll do.
Billy: I'm never hopping in a chowder head's Rolls Royce again.
Both of them begin to scream for their lives as Ficklesneezy opens his music box and a bunch of wind sucks up Trini's car into the music box for which he shuts.
Billy (frantically babbling): My calculations direct me to estimate our oxygen supply will be depleated in the eminate occurance that we're without...
Trini: Billy, would you _stop_ your frantic brain letting!
Billy: Trini--uh, stop tearing at my clothes! Hey wait a minute... Are you trying to have your way with me?
Trini slaps Billy.
Billy: Ow! That hurt!
Trini: Maybe this'll hurt too.
Trini shoves Billy.
Billy: OW!
Trini: You are such a pushover.
Trini shoves Billy repeatedly.
Billy: Ow, Trini! Stop it! Cut it out! Ow!
SCENE VII:
The rangers are putting their books in their lockers and getting out their backpacks in the hallway.
Zack: You're hobby is stupid, Jason.
Jason: What about yours? You rip off old Girly dances. Ha!
Zack: You fought so hard, your pants-crotch split.
Jason: What about you? You nearly needed a chiropractor after those dork dances of yours.
Kimberly: Stop bickering. After all Mama Keramima face is stuck in a car with Billy, that evil man-stealer.
Jason: He's only driving because I don't want to take him.
Zack: I'm not taking him.
Jason: Billy's a geek.
Zack: Billy's a bore. Why, the last time I drove him home, I fell asleep on the FREEway!
Jason: The last time I drove him, he spilled two soft drinks all over my car radio.
The Rangers get paged...
Jason: What is it?
Zordon: I don't know what's gone wrong, but there's this huge mass roaming the city absorbing everything in its path.
Jason: Sounds like Kimberly's lips and Zack's appetite.
Zordon: Yeah well, Wait! Alpha just patched me into Trini's Car CB Radio. Here's what they're saying:
We hear over their wrist communicators the bug planted on Trini's car...
[Billy]: This is all your fault, chowder-head.
[Trini]: This is yours, Four-eyes! If I wasn't idiotic enough to drive your butt-ugly face home, we wouldn't even be in this music box!
[Billy]: I'm never looking at your dolls again.
Jason: They sound like they hate each other.
Zordon: They do, but these outbursts are usually not reviewed in the parody. Billy thinks that Trini's trying to steal Kimberly from him in the morphed scenes.
Zack: This parody is starting to unravel to a boring yell-fest.
Zordon: True, but that has nothing to do with why I'm spying on Billy and Trini, I thought they were going to blurt out that Squatt stole an ordinary, worthless, plastic minion and turned him into a nightmare that consumed the bickering pre-beings in the music box.
Zack: Well there's nothing more to do than to kick some...
Zordon: No so fast, pre-historic example of mankind -- This monster happens to be Trini's doll blown out of proportion. It is an enlarged FickleSneezy, but he has kindness in his heart. But, Rita has cast a spell over him. You have to convince him he's to stupid to do anything and then he'll shrink down to size. Besides, for $40 he'll do anything.
Jason: This is too easy.
Kimberly: That's because this is Trini's idiotic dream.
Zack: What a simpleton she is.
Alpha: If this is her nightmare, how come we're bagging on her?
Jason: Because this is a nightmare, drumhead.
Alpha: Oh.
Jason: Well, it's MORPHINE time!
Zack: Majormess!
Kimberly: Pterodorky!
Jason: Trashosaurus!
SCENE VIII:
Goldar pops outta no where and starts striking the rangers' as they go flying about the set with sparks blowing up here and there.
Rita: Ficklesneezer!
Ficklesneezy: That's Ficklesneezy.
Rita: You DARE correct me?!?!
Ficklesneezy: Nevermind.
Rita: Go and collect the Pathetic Rangers!
Ficklesneezy: Who are they?
The Rangers pose.
All Rangers: Pathetic Rangers!
Rita: Them!
Ficklesneezy: Oh. Maybe I'll unleash this goodie I haven't unleashed in 2 years, the Mariah Carey one.
Mariah Carey begins to sing the last chorus of "Anytime You Need A Friend" and the Rangers start covering the ear part of their helmets.
Kimberly: What's that noise?!
Jason: Make it stop, make it stop!
Zack: What is that?!?!
Ficklesneezy: Don't like that one, huh?
Jason: The big dummy's got Trini.
Kimberly: And Billy!
Zack: Oh no!
Kimberly: I'm coming sweet baby!
Kimberly launches into the air and somersaults over to Ficklesneezy and whacks the box from out of his hands.
FickleSneezy: Hey, no fair.
Goldar: Do you really think the parody hasn't ended yet?!
Kimberly gets blasted by Goldar's sword and the box goes through the air and lands on the train tracks as a train is coming.
Billy: Oh no, I hate this way of dying.
Trini: You complain too much.
Billy: Oh no! Look! AHHH!!!
Ficklesneezy: Stop the train!
Kimberly: Don't worry, I'm coming for you, baby!
Kimberly jumps into the air, rolls over the tracks grabing the box and opens it (the music starts playing) just before the train comes and this huge car pops out of the Music Box. When it does, it tramples over the strings, gears and rotator motor of the Music Box causing the music to sound out of tune and drag until the music dies. Meanwhile the now enlarged car is whizzing by as we hear cussing heard all the way. The car stops and Billy and Trini get out. Kimberly runs up to them.
Kimberly: Baby, you're out!
Trini: What about me?
Kimberly: You've gotta morph.
Billy: What?
Trini: Ugh!
Billy: Tribladdertops!
Trini: Sabertoothed-Alley Cat!
Rita: Ficklesneezy! What's the matter with you, I told you to...
Ficklesneezy: I know I'm supposed to do whatever you say; but I can't do a thing without my Music Box.
Zack: Why is this guy always cowing down?
Jason: Cause his brains are made out of ground beef. Now let's get him!
The Rangers knock Ficklesneezy onto his feet.
Rita: Oh great, so much for the plan. Now make my dolly grow!
Billy: It looks like Rita's made the dopey man bigger.
Jason: Right, so therefore we need DinoJunk Power - now!
The stock footage of the Zords arriving plays out.
Zack: Hey, why don't we fast-forward the next few minutes of tape? The readers don't have to see this.
Phill: Agreed.
Super-fast pictures of MegaJunkaZord forming rolls by until the film slows again. All five are in the MegaJunkaZord.
Jason: Let's get that box, outta his hands!
Zack: This, I've gotta see.
Jason: Well let's just give him $50 and tell him what to do.
Zack: You have that kinda moolah?
Billy: No, but I'm sure Trini does!
Trini: I don't, my Dad does.
Jason: Nevermind, we'll just twist his arm 'til he can't take much more and make him give the city back.
MegaJunkaZord twists Ficklesneezy's arm around.
Ficklesneezy: Oh ow, that stings.
Jason: What!?! That would kill Billy!!
MegaJunkaZord grabs the music box from out of Ficklesneezy's hands.
Ficklesneezy: Hey! Give me my Music Box back! Gimme, Gimmie, Gimmie [over and over].
Trini: This Parody is getting TOO long!
{Ficklesneezy: Gimme, Gimme, Gimme...}
Ficklesneezy: Well you don't have to yell...
{Ficklesneezy: Gimme, Gimme, Gimme...}
Trini: Sneezy, give it all back. That's right, give it all back. Give it back...
FickleSneezer begins to let the city return. Trini is chanting "Give it Back" Over and over until we dissolve out of this scene to reality in Trini's bedroom.
SCENE IX:
Trini is twisting on top of her sheets dressed in full body pajamas from her neck to her toes.
Trini: Give it all back [Wakes up]. (Gasp!) Gosh, I have too much Rita on my mind.
Trini feels around her body.
Trini: Oh thank goodness I'm not naked. The very idea I would do that to myself.
Trini checks the window and nobody is there.
Trini: Zack isn't there. (Sigh) Uh oh, Ficklesneezer! He isn't there anymore!!
EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE... <-(eerie music)
Trini gets up to check the floor.
Trini: Oh good, well I guess everything is okay now.
Trini cuddles up in bed with the doll in her arms.
Trini: Maybe not.
Trini sets the stinky doll back onto the Nightstand and turns out the lamp.
SCENE X:
In the Angel Grave High School Classroom, Miss. Appleweed is standing in front of her desk.
Appleweed (scratching endlessly): Okay, Class; today is our last day featuring Bobby Week.
Billy: Miss Appleweed, that's hobby week.
Miss Appleweed: Stop it, Mr. Billy! And now, Farguson and Eugene with an amazing hobby--if it is.
Miss Appleweed starts scratching her belly.
Jason: Eww!
Trini: So low class.
Bulk and Skull walk up to the teacher's desk holding a platter with a cloth over it.
Bulk: Well, as you know, we like parasites!
Skull: Either that or we are parasites.
Billy: Agreed!
Bulk: Hey, who asked you, nerd-bummer? We like parasites so much, that we have put together our very own flea circus!
Bulk unveils a small circus with no fleas.
Bulk: Ta da!
Jason: Ppp... HAHAHAHAHAA!!
Bulk: What's so funny?
Jason: Uh, nothing.
Billy is straining to find the fleas in the circus and adjusting his glasses.
Jason: You're actually TRYING to find the fleas?
Billy: Yeah, it looks fascinating.
Jason: Oh good grief.
Jason slaps Billy upside the back of his head lightly and he puts his hand to his head in pain.
Billy: Ow! Ow!! Ow!!! Jason, that hurt! Oww!
Jason: You're made of butter, you know that, nerd?
Kimberly: Hey, why don't you show us something that we can see, you frauds?
Bulk: But, I guess the fleas just escaped.
Billy: This is the most pathetic display of trying to win a passing grade.
Skull: No one asked you!
Miss Appleweed begins scratching a lot because of the escaped fleas and the class begins roaring laughter.
Miss Applewed: Ahhh!! Oooh! You rotten, dirty cheats! When I take a bath to lose all these fleas, I'm going to give you an F! AN F!! F! F!! AND A G MINUS!! Embarrass me in front of my class!
THE END
(C) 2003 Phill. Enterprises
NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS...
Zack is thrown a birthday party, literally...
Billy: I can't believe we have to do all this mess just for Zack, what's so special about that dweeb anyway?
Jason: The mere fact we'd be a frolicing foursome. We'd look pretty racist without a black dude, or else we'd have the NAACP breathing down our necks.
...but Rita decides to give Zack a birthday gift of her own...
Finster: All right all right! I'll dig up some ol monster in this um doo-hickey. Ah here's one from my 1943 book, here's the Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight.
Rita: What's he do?
Finster: Last I knew he scared someone silly. I suppose he's supposed to fight a lot until the opponent can't take much more. I don't think I'd recommend it, but right now it's the only thing I have the strength to make.
Will Zack lose his mind in fright from just glancing at this horror? Or will he think it's his Grandma without her teeth? Do the rest of the rangers care about Zack enough to really throw him a Birthday Party? Find out on the NEXT Episode of Pathetic Rangers!