SCENE I:

At Ernie's Junk Food Bar: Jason, Trini, Billy and Kimberly are making preparations for Zack's surprise birthday party past closing time however, they do nothing but goof off.

Ernie: Hey, I'm not keeping my Junk Food Bar open past three in the morning just for you to sit around and do nothing. Aren't you gonna to do anything?

Jason: Some stranger told me it was somebody's birthday. I have no idea who, and frankly, I really don't care.

Kimberly: Well, I guess we better get to work before Ernie kicks us out again.

Billy: Affirmative.

Trini begins painting everything yellow.

Jason: Why are you painting everything yellow?

Trini: Isn't it my birthday?

Jason: Give me that paint, banana-neck.

Billy: Hey! I just found this script behind Ernie's twelve year old jar of pickles! It says that this is Zack's birthday.

Jason: Aw, I thought it was mine.

Kimberly: Thank goodness it wasn't, or we all would've had to buy him a present or else he'd beat us up again.

Jason: I'll remember that on my birthday.

Billy: I can't believe we have to do all this mess just for Zack, what's so special about that dweeb anyway?

Jason: The mere fact we'd be a frolicing foursome. We'd look pretty racist without a token black dude, or else we'd have the NAACP breathing down our necks.

Billy: Oh brother. This was really smart doing this at 3:43 am in the morning.

Trini: But what about school?

Jason: Alpha constructed for us some mechanical doubles for this dumb occasion, but everyone knows that tomorrow, somehow, we'll show up for school for no apparent reason feeling fresh as a daisy.

Billy: Hmmm. Good point.

Kimberly: At least with computers taking our place, we'll all get A+'s!

SCENE II:

Rita: A little birthday party, aiii? FINSTER!

Finster: I have the perfect monster.

Rita: How'd you know I wanted a monster?

Finster: I'm sick, I have a headache and I don't really feel like hearing you squaddle and whine for a monster.

Rita: Look, helium head, do you have a monster?

Finster: No.

Rita: What do you mean--no?

Finster: Just exactly what it means, dope.

Baboo: Oh no! Finster's gonna get it now!

Finster: Alright alright! I'll dig up some ol monster in this um doo-hickey. Ah here's one from my 1943 book, here's the Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight.

Rita: What's he do?

Finster: Last I knew he scared someone silly. I suppose he's supposed to fight a lot until the opponent can't take much more. I don't think I'd recommend it; but right, now it's the only thing I have the strength to make.

Rita: I would say something to irritate the hell out of you, but right now the writer has bummed out of things to write for me.

Goldar: Can I do something?

Rita: No! This isn't The GOLDAR Show, ya know!

Goldar: Really? Aren't I the only thing that gives these stupid parody's life?

Rita: No! It's the stupid things Alpha and Zordon say too, you just sit here and be quiet, besides, I alright have the perfect part for you.

Squatt: Ooo! Are you going to dress Goldar in a tight skirt and pantyhose?

Goldar: Huh?!?! Please, tell me he's kidding!

Rita: I'm thinking about it.

Goldar: I beg of you, my queen.

Rita: Alright alright.

SCENE III:

At the Junk Food Bar, the guys look around the center while Ernie waits for them to get out so he can close up.

Kimberly: Okay. Hmmm...

Billy: Everything looks all purple and black.

Jason: Fix it!

Ernie: Look buddies, it's 4:06 am! You better...

Bulk and Skull walk in and start destroying everything.

Jason: What do you think you're doing?

Bulk: Being gross and repulsive, why aren't you stopping me?

Ernie: Well, I...

Jason: We really don't care about this bombast of boredom called Zack's birthday. Pee in the towels, blow your nose in the party favors, do whatever you'd like!

Bulk: Listen you dweeb, you better pretend like you wanted to make this stuff.

Jason: What for?

Bulk: Humor me?

Trini: Am I the only idiot that actually cared enough to make something for Zack's birthday?

Jason: Uh huh.

Bulk: I'm only going to destroy that because she actually wanted to make it.

Skull: Yeah!

Trini: Hey, I worked long and hard to do that!

Kimberly: Really? It just looks like you dumped paint on a rolled up towel.

Bulk: How about I woe you and help you make another one (tsk, tsk)?

Trini dumps paint on Bulk.

Kimberly: Hahahahaa!

Bulk [Sarcastically]: Eh hehehehehe.

Bulk lets the air out of all the balloons.

Jason: Someone oughta let out all the air outta you, patte-head.

Ernie: Aye, aye, I'm running a bar, not a circus.

Billy: Honestly, I don't see the difference between you and a ring-master. Other than the fact even your clothing tailors have to let out your fat clothes.

Ernie: Lemme check your cake. DAHHH!

Ernie opens Billy's cake machine (crappy invention #9) and starts getting smothered in gooey, undone, blue cake batter.

Ernie: You and your junk, GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!

Billy: I'm sure I can fix it!

Trini: Yes, but who's gonna fix you?

Billy: Be quiet, ironing board-chest.

Kimberly: Listen Bulk, why don't you grab the him and the both of you and leave?

Bulk: Fine! But I expect paid vacations!

Kimberly: Forget it.

Trini: Oh no! It's ZACK! QUICK! CLEAN UP THIS MESS!

With the film sped up 50 times faster, Jason and the rest begin to clear all the party favors (at a still slow pace) when Zack walks in.

Zack: Hey, what's up?

Trini: Why are you up at 4:34 am in the morning?

Zack: What's with this attitude.

Jason: What attitude, what's the matter with you?

Zack runs out of the Junk Food Bar.

Kimberly: That was one good way to get rid of him.

Jason: Yeah.

SCENE IV:

Baboo, Squatt and Goldar are stirring green bubbly liquids in a huge pot like three witches outside at midnight.

Baboo: What are we doing? I almost forgot.

Goldar: This magic mashed potato syrup mold will develop into a sword for Fright-Wigged Knight.

Rita: You guys are taking forever! It's been 50 seconds! I want this to be faster!

Finster: Ah, it is almost complete. You may start the spell.

Rita: Good now then, I'll just put this ball in my mouth and begin the spell. [Mumbo-Jumbo].

Squatt: What?

Goldar: Quiet, she's concentrating.

Squatt: She is?

SCENE V:

At School, Zack walks up to Kimberly, who's stuffing books into her locker ignoring him.

Zack: Hey what's up?

Kimberly: Why are you talking to me? You know you and me, like, don't even know each other, I only know Billy.

Zack: That's because you've seen something of his he wouldn't go flashing around. Anyway, do I look any older today?

Kimberly: Actually yes, you look 74.

Zack: Huh? Not that old. I mean...

Kimberly: I don't know what you're talking about.

Zack: Isn't this a special day?

Kimberly: Not really, ooh! I forgot! I feel so terrible about it too!

Zack: You do? I thought nobody liked me.

Kimberly: Not really, but I hope she'll forgive me.

Zack: That's alright. I forgive you.

Kimberly: Not you, stupid.

Zack: Huh?

Kimberly: What did you think I was talking about? Your two inch boner?

Zack: That's okay.

Jason, Billy and Trini walk up to an upset Zack.

Jason: Hey what's up?

Zack: Yeah right.

Zack takes off.

Billy: I wonder what his problem is?

Kimberly: Gosh, he thinks that just because we told him something indicating we don't care about him whatsoever, he should get all belligerent.

Jason: This is stupid. I hate this `wait-til-late-at-night-and-tell-him-that-we planned-some'n' while all day he'll be depressing everyone.

Billy: Don't worry, just remember that his mental discomfort now will only serve as his enjoyment later on today.

Kimberly: Alright, but I'm not paying for his therapy bills.

Jason: Yeah, whatever.

SCENE VI:

Zack is sitting outside on a rock in the usual fighting area.

Zack: I don't even know why I put up with those egotistical, oversexed meat-heads. All they care about is their own lives.

Rita: So do you! Hahahahaha! I figured you feel like garbage right now so I'd make your day ten times worse! Here's our birthday gift!

Baboo: We even brought this 1924 movie-camera to film it too!

Squatt: You idiot! You were supposed to grab the electro-magnetic-super-cala-fradgalistic-expe-ala-docious-rigmarole video recorder and blow the stuffings out of Zack!

Goldar: Why are we gunning for this weasel anyway?

Baboo: I guess it's something fun to do. Everyone knows without Zack the rangers still would be just as excruciatingly strong as they always are!

Rita: Shut up! Time ta meet the Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight!

Rita's Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight approaches Zack attempting to scare the willies outta him.

Zack: Nice to meet you.

Rita: Why isn't your hair standing up straight?

Zack: He looks my grandma.

Rita: I knew this wasn't going to work! Just fight him til you start feeling enormous amounts of pain and suffering!

Zack: Alright alright!

Zack: Majormess!

Zack: You're mine! UGH!

Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight takes his sword and slams it at Zack's chest, blows him up and fries his Power Ax to a dark crisp.

Zack: That didn't take very long.

Zack starts getting beat the stuffings out of.

SCENE VII:

The rangers are just sitting around doing nothing when Zordon pages them.

Jason: Let's pull a trick on Zordon and not answer the watch.

Trini: Why? [The sound of their watches constantly beeping is heard]

Jason: I wonder if there will be signs of exploding memory chips. [The sound of their watches beeping is heard]

Billy: Why? Because of his mounting tons of anger? [The sound of their watches beeping is heard]

======

Zordon: I know you're in there! Answer the damn communicator!

======

Kimberly: This is starting to get annoying. Let's just satisfy the five-year old and answer the phone, I mean, communicators.

Jason: Yeah, Zordon?

Zordon: That was not very funny, Red Rash Ranger! Was that your idea of a joke?!

Jason: No, it was a visual gag. So what's up?

Zordon: Other than my blood pressure, Black Burnt Toast Ranger is GETTING toasted by this Fright-Wigged Monster.

Trini: Oh god, he's ugly.

Billy: He looks like those old 40's Maids!

Kimberly turns around to see the viewing globe and her hair goes completely out of control after screaming to the top of her lungs.

Billy: WOW! I haven't heared her scream like that since we scratched each other's backs in the... Uhh, nevermind.

Zordon: I do not wish to hear about your sick escapades, however disgusting they may be. Anyway, this thing originally was to scare everyone silly, of course that WAS only when the entire town went to go see Frankenstein 35 times over. Anyway, he's gonna beat up Zack til he can't take anymore and fries your weapons.

Jason: It's morphine time!

Zordon: Wait! Don't you wanna know how to destroy him?

Jason: Okay.

Zordon: Let the power protect you.

Jason: Ugh! It's morphine time!

Kimberly: Pterodorky

Billy: Tribladdertops

Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat

Jason: Trashosaurus

ALL: PATHETIC RANGERS!

Zack: Boy am I glad to see you guys, BACK-STABBERS!

Jason: Shut up, we have to pretend like we like each other to defeat this gross entity, okay?

Kimberly: All right, let's keep it together.

Jason: Okay, let's go Tower Formation.

Billy: What's that?

Trini: It's where Kimberly and I jump on... Let's just do it okay?

Zack: Fine.

Kimberly and Trini Jump on top of Billy, Zack and Jason.

Jason: BladeBlasters Up!

ALL: Fire!

They draw their Bladeblasters with the switchblade closed inside and link them all at the tip to produce the special-effect that blows up N.F.W.K.

Nasty Fright-Wiged Knight: Ha! You think that will stop me! Ha!

Kimberly makes more sexual sounds as she's getting blown backwards.

Billy: Stop doing that, Kim! You know it feels really uncomfortable to get stiff in this costume.

Jason: Huh?

Zack: I don't even want to know. WE NEED DINO...

Jason: ...JUNK POWER! Don't ever interrupt me again, Zack!

Zack: Yeah, whatever.

Jason: Rangers logon, power up your lollipops, all systems go.

Trini: You might have to say that again to Kim, she's probably examining the structure of old chewing gum.

Kimberly: Be quiet, Trini!

Jason: Time to form MegaJunkaZord!

Synthesized Voice: MegaJunkaZord sequence has been initited. MegaJunkaZord activated.

Rita: Hold it you idiots! I haven't even made the monster big yet! This is the second parody you've done that!

Jason: Well excuse me for living. Get it over with.

Rita: Make my monster grow!

Jason: May we proceed?

Rita: Quite.

The MegaJunkaZord starts attacking and gets all its weapons fried.

Kimberly: Now what Jason?

Jason: Why are you looking at me?

Kimberly: You're supposed to be the leader, imbecile.

Zack: I know, why don't I rip off a piece of my suit and give it to the monster to eat? He'll explode in no time!

Jason: Always a stupid solution.

MegaJunkaZord feeds the monster Zack's suit piece and he explodes and leaves a really big mess.

SCENE VIII:

Zack walks in the Junk Food Bar and they turn the lights on where Zack sees sneezed on posters, smelly decorations and eaten on auderves are there and Ernie's playing 8-track tapes of Gene Kelley singing "Ain't we got fun?"

Zack: What kind of hoax is this?

Jason: It's supposed to be a party to say we care about you? You convinced?

Zack: I guess.

THE END

(C) 2003 Phill. Enterprises

NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS...

The Rangers spend all day long goofing off playing Volleyball!

Jason: Billy's turn!

Billy comes running.

Billy: Come on, I can't play very well.

Jason: Okay, Trini you're up next.

Billy: Hey! You guys were supposed to say, "You're not that bad."

Jason: Why?

...but Rita takes unfair advantage, as usual, of the Rangers while they have their guard down...

Rita: And what's that you're making?

Baboo: It's a potion to turn the Pathetic Rangers into punks!

Rita: Splendid idea, I'll be in the dining room.

...and with that as an advantage adds another obstacle to this fixed cat and mouse game...

Rita: FINSTER! MAKE ME A MONSTER! AND NOW! AND MAKE IT WORK THIS TIME!

Finster: I just came up with a new monster that looks like a toad and after he swallows the Pathetic Rangers and digests them, we will be able to conquer earth.

Can the Rangers destroy the Toad before he makes M&M's out of them? Of Course they can! Can the Rangers help Kimberly and Billy break the spell of being punks? Do they even want to? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!