Phill. Enterprises Presents:
Sailor Goon
"A Butt Moon is Shown" Parody of,
"A Moon Star is Born"
SCENE I:
A narrator who sounds like Winnie the Pooh narrates as we see a beautiful sky and place on the moon.
Narrator: Thousands of years ago, our moon was a luxurious place. No oxygen, no atmosphere, no gravity... uh,
ahem, it was a really really good place, ruled by Queen Celibacy. Everything was peaceful, until the
arrival of the evil Queen Bowel.
We show a picture of a wicked, pale-green coloured witch with horns sticking out her shoulders, in a very dark-lit, dead-tree ridden palace sitting in a throne hovering her hands over a crystal ball.
Queen Bowel: Ha ha ha! First the moon shall be mine, then the universe! I'll show that evil King Punchite not to
dump me and make me pay alimony!
Narrator: Uh, ahem, yes... uh, to conquer the moon, Queen Bowel unleashed the awesome power of the Segaverse.
(SEGA!) Although her world was destroyed, Queen Celibacy's last hope was the Imperial Silver Golf Ball
and the Crescent Goon-Moon Wand.
Queen Celibacy raises the wand to the air and holds it down again in her shattered world.
Queen Celibacy: Only this golf-ball and wand can combat the evil forces of the Segaverse, at least, as far as I know.
Never let the enemies get their hands on this, or the universe is doomed to mind-draining, horribly
violent video games which will stunt the development of children, leading to a horrible future
world. And most of all, bad haircuts. Now, Tuna and Arteschmuck, you must protect Princess
Serena.
Tuna and Arteschmuck: Yes.
Narrator: This is where she sent the Moon Princess and the children of the moon to the future on Earth, their
memories lost. The Queen's stolen cats Tuna and Arteschmuck, who she whip-trained into learning to talk,
are sent to Earth to find the Moon Princess, so she will at last be safe. Now, hasn't this story bored you
yet? Or was it my repulsive voice? Oh well, anyway, and so, our story begins.
SCENE II:
Serena's alarm clock in her bedroom goes off and she wakes up, abruptly.
Serena: Aaaagh! I'm gonna be late for school!
Serena runs down the stairs and passed the kitchen hall, where her mother is studying some magazines.
Serena: Mom! Why didn't you wake me up??
Mom: I did, five times, each time you said you'd get up.
Serena: And you believed me?
Mom: This never would've happened if you weren't out last night at that extremely late party, drinking root beer
until you choked.
Serena: Don't throw that in my face! Later!
Mom: Aren't you forgetting something? [Waves her lunch bag in her face]
Serena: Oh yeah... Thanks, see ya after school!
Serena's running down the streets for school in the school uniform; a medium-long blue skirt with a white, long-sleeved shirt with a sailor flap on the back and red-ribbon on the front side. The sailor suit is the standard school uniform all the girls wear.
Serena: I am so sleepy, why did they put school at 7 am now? Or why couldn't it have been Saturday!
Serena turns the corner of the streets and noticing three little kids punching Tuna, Serena's cat and pulling out its tongue.
Kid #1: I wonder how long before it dies.
Kid #2: I don't know... punch it again.
Kid #3: Okay.
Kid #1: Nice tongue.
Tuna: Aaal! Augh! Oof!
Serena: Hey, you little monsters! Stop beating up my cat!
Kid #3: Oops! We're busted! Make a run for it!
The three kids run.
Serena: Don't you ever come near my cat again!
Serena picks up Tuna.
Serena: Now, did those little diaper-wearing creeps hurt you bad?
Tuna begins acting wildly crazy as if she feels awful.
Serena: It's ok. Here, lemme take off that bandage.
Serena removes a bandage over Tuna's head and sees a yellow-glowing crescent moon above her head.
Serena:
stews and enslave us all until they can rule the world and Cats will be the only play people will ever watch!
Or maybe she's just a freak of nature. Whatever. Anyway... Yiigh!
Tuna jumps out of Serena's hand, does a fancy little back flip onto a red car in the parking lot, eyeing Serena.
Serena: Uhh... nice kitty. Oh crap! Now I'm really late!
Tuna (thinking to herself): Could _she_ be the one?
SCENE III:
Serena's in class talking to the students.
Serena: Say, didja hear? There's a new Sailor Whee video game coming out! I saw it on TV!
Ms. Haruna (Serena's Teacher): SERENA!
Serena: Oh no...
Ms. Haruna: You need more studying and less TV, flunky! There is no excuse for failing this paper!
Phill: Yes there is, she can be really dumb.
Serena: You keep your mouth shut.
Ms. Haruna: If you survive, have your mother sign this atrocious paper and return it to me!
SCENE IV:
Serena's sitting on the sidewalk, feeling awful talking to Molly.
Molly: Aw, chill out, Serena. It's just a stupid little test. It's not like it's the end of the world or something. Maybe
the end of your life, but...
Serena: Molly... you're not helping.
Molly: Sorry.
Serena: She'll be so pissed... it'll be worse than PMS... she'll cut my allowance, make me go to bed at 6:30 p.m...
ground me until my wedding night, administer corporal punishment, and worse yet, I won't get to play the
new Sailor Whee video game!!
A guy with messy brown hair in a black little doorman's suit wearing gargantuan, goggle-like glasses with no eyes, just pencil swirls approaches the girls.
Melvin: Hey, Serena! I heard you flunked a test!
Serena: Word gets out fast, huh?
Melvin: No, I just tape record all your conversations.
Molly: Get a woman, Melvin.
Melvin: Anyway, would you like me to be your tutor, Serena?
Serena: About as much as I'd like to get a stoning.
Melvin: That's too bad.
Molly: She doesn't need to see more of your ugly face, what she needs is to go to the mall and go shopping with me!
Say! That's a good idea! Tell your mom you're studying with me, Serena.
Melvin: What could be more important than your grades? Look, I didn't study and only got a 103 grade! How am I
gonna face my parents?!
Molly: Do we care?
Melvin: I just thought you had human compassion and...
Molly: Can it, Steve Urkel. Listen, Serena, calm down. When we're done shopping, your mom will forget about that
test.
Serena (whining): But all she ever watches is PBS! What else will she be thinking about??
Molly: Oh yeah. That is a problem. Listen, there are these great boots on sale at the mall, you wouldn't believe it!
Serena: Really? Yeah! Maybe we could get some ice cream!
Molly: Then shop some more!
Serena: And check out the guys...
Molly: Then shop some more!
Serena: Maybe get some earrings!
Molly: Yeah... my mom runs this jewellery store, has the most GORGEOUS earrings you ever saw!
Serena: You think so?
Molly: I know so! They have it all, diamonds, emeralds, sapphires, you name it! Rhinestones...
Serena: Rhinestones?? Oh I LOVE those!
Melvin becomes incredibly dumb founded.
Molly: There is no way you can miss this... this is the coolest thing!
Serena: OH yeah! Let's go right now!
Melvin: Well I have better things to do than to watch Serena plunge her life down the toilet. Like maybe peeping
Ms. Haruna!
SCENE V:
At Queen Bowel's...Queen Bowel is waving her hands over a crystal ball with wicked music going behind it.
Queen Bowel: I shall begin my plans to unleash the great, evil power of the Segaverse.
Unknown Voices: Yes... yes...Queen Bowel: But to do so, I will need energy... yes, yes... LOTS of energy. I shall
begin draining from that useless 3rd rock from the sun called Earth. Deadmite, tell me of your progress to
do so.
Deadmite: Yes, Queen Bowel.
Suddenly a short blonde-haired man in a grey doorman suit with boots on appears before Queen Bowel.
Deadmite: As we speak, my evil minion is gathering energy. The humans are weak, stupid, fat, lazy and crazy and
will do whatever we say. Then nothing will stand in the way of the great Segaverse.
Queen Bowel: Do not fail me, Deadmite. I need that energy baad.
Deadmite: Yes, my queen.
SCENE VI:
At Molly's mom's jewellery store...Molly's mom is shouting out salesman rigmarole.
Molly's mom: C'mon in! This is the best deal around! We've got it all! Diamonds! Rubies! Sapphires! And even
Winshoes!
Molly: What are winshoes?
Molly's mom: Make me an offer!
Serena: Your mom sure is acting strange. What did she drink? 12 cans of a Pepsi and 3 pots of coffee?
Molly: I dunno.
Molly's mom: Get anything you want because for today only, EVERYTHING is 99 percent off! Take anything you
want! [Still over the microphone] And surrender your energy to Queen Bowel and the Segaverse!
Muahahahahaha!
All the girls begin "Huh?"'ing and looking at each other.
Phill: Lady, the thing was still on.
Molly's mom: Oh son of a bitch! Um, listen, you girls keep fondling the merchandise. That was just... uh, my
rehearsals for a new play I'm starring in called... "Evil." Carry on.
Suddenly, all the jewellery is seen taking waves of energy as Deadmite observes.
Deadmite: Yes. You are doing well. Soon, all the energy will go to Queen Bowel, and then I'll get that surprise she
was offering me when she found me driving Taxicabs.
Deadmite holds his arm way out with his hand underneath a tiny little green ball taking in waves of energy.
"Molly's mom": Muahahahahahahaha!
Molly: Mommy!
"Molly's mom": Yes yes, what do you want?
Serena: Um, we were interested in some jewellery and stuff. Heh heh.
"Molly's mom": Not a problem! Any friend of Molly's is a friend of mine! Ahehehe... Let's see what we have here.
"Molly's mom" goes behind a case of jewels and shows one to Serena and Molly.
"Molly's Mom": This is a 20 karat diamond ring for only 99 cents.
Serena and Molly: 20 KARATS FOR 99 CENTS?
Everyone hears, bumps Molly and Serena out of the way and begins a riot. Molly's mom just walks away from the display case as droves of women begin taking anything from the jewellery store. Serena and Molly crawl out the mob scene.
Molly: That's ridiculous. The family business isn't gonna be a business after this. She's practically giving away
expensive jewellery!
Serena: I don't know what's wrong with her.
Molly: Me either, but I'm worried.
Serena: I'm way tired. Maybe I'll take a nap before showing mom this hideous grade.
Molly: Okay, see ya tomorrow, Serena.
Serena: You too. Serena walks out the store.
Serena: Oh what am I gonna do. How can I show mom this grade? She'll do anything to me.
Serena begins imagining images of what she may do to me while narrating.
"She may tie me to a door and throw darts at me..."
we see Serena tacked up on a door while her mom is throwing darts at her, and missing.
"...she may put me in a stew and cook me...!"
we see Serena put in a boiling pot of stew with the heat on while her mom stares angrily at her and puts the top over her.
"...she may put me in a zoo!"
Serena's mom throws Serena in a zoo with some lions, who take swipes at her.
Serena: Oh! None of those sound good! Ohhhh!! How can I show her this thing!!
Serena crumbles it up and throws it in the air and it hits the head of a short black-haired, handsome fellow sitting at a cafe table sipping tea.
Dairenn: Hmm?
Serena: Oh sorry about that.
Dairenn: Watch it, Cheese ball Head. Woah, a 30? Are you stupid, or incredibly brain-damaged?
Serena: Oh how dare you! Give me that, you mildew-sucking zit-face! The NERVE of that guy... calling me
Cheese ball Head. Humph!
Serena stops, turns around and pauses.
Serena (thinking): But he sure is cute.
Dairenn (taking off sunglasses): There's something about that girl.
Serena walks past the local Arcade room and sees a poster of Sailor Whee.
Serena:
happening in her life.
Tuna pauses and examines Serena.
Serena: Oh, who am I kidding. I'll never be like Sailor Whee. Not with grades like this! Oh... what am I going to do!
Serena goes into an intense sob-fest and walks off.
Tuna (thinking): This cry-baby? She's the one?
SCENE VII:
Serena returns home, where her Mom is there waiting.
Serena: HI, uh, Mom. What's up?
Mom: Your test. How did you do?
Serena: I was just thinking... we don't spend nearly enough time together...
Mom: ...I heard Melvin scored a 103 and his parents are gonna be mad.
Serena: Uh, right, butcha see...
Mom: Come on, no chit chat. Lemme see.
Serena pauses for a long time and hands it over to her Mom.
Mom: THIRTY!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!???!!?!!?!?!?!?!
Serena: There's an explanat...
Mom: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WENT STUDYING WITH MELVIN!!
Serena: But I did and...
Mom: Don't hand me that TRIPE! You did NOT study! [Shoving Serena out the door] Get out and don't come back
until you can remember what 2 times 2 is!!
Serena (banging on the door): But mom! It's too late to go studying! Wlaaaaaaagh!
Meanwhile, at the store... customers are falling down, tired, because of the jewels and Molly is backing away frightened.
Molly: Mama? What's happening to all your customers? I'm getting scared. Mama?
"Molly's Mom": Hahahahahahahaha!
Molly: This isn't funny! What's going on?
"Molly's Mom": I'm not your mommy, Molly dear.
Molly: Aaagh!
"Molly's Mom" spins her head around like Poltergeist and laughs some more, scaring Molly witless.
Later in the afternoon...Serena plops on her bed.
Serena: Aw man... what a horrible day at the library. Books, and nerds, and books... I don't ever wanna see another
book again.
Serena turns over and goes to sleep. The door opens slowly as we move closer to Serena, asleep. Suddenly, the door slams shut. Serena opens her eyes and turns around to see Tuna on the bed, looking mysteriously evil.
Serena: What are you doing here?
Tuna: Why, I'm here to see you, of course. Who else?
Serena: Aah! A talking cat?? Oh man! I've really been studying too hard.
Tuna: What's the problem? You know there's always some strange, scientifically impossible occurrence that takes
place in an action show, silly.
Serena: Okay... why don't you shut up and let everything go back to the way it was, 'kay?
Tuna: Ahem. I am Tuna, and I have been looking for you for a real long time. You are the chosen one.
Serena: Ok. What KGB organisation do you belong to, you quote, cat, unquote? Or are you a super-intelligence
robot here to take over America and slain me?
Tuna: Huh?
Serena: That's what this is all about, isn't it?
Tuna: Sit down and be quiet for a minute. You are the chosen one, and I have been searching for you to guide you to
your ultimate destiny.
Flashing back to the scene where Serena took off Tuna's bandage.
Tuna: I wasn't sure you were the one the first time we met, but I've been watching you. And I took a urine sample
too... and am sure you are the chosen Sailor Scout. Sailor Goon. Hee hee.
Serena: What is so funny? You having the ultimate advantage over me to talk and wig me out?
Tuna: No.
Serena: I am not listening!
Serena turns on some really loud grunge music and turns it up high and buries her head into her arms on the bed.
Tuna: Yes, you will... and turn off that music.
Tuna hops over the stereo and turns it off.
Tuna: You are Sailor Goon and you better believe it. Your friend is in big trouble!
Tuna stands up on her two hind-legs and begins shaking Serena's head.
Tuna: You have to help her! [Goes down] You don't believe me? All right, then I'll go ahead and prove it to you.
Tuna jumps into the air, does a fancy back flip and out pops a little golden locket and it falls onto the bed.
Serena: Was is that? Do you want me to be a part of your secret, Mafia KGB plans too?
Tuna: Oh get off it, Serena. I am not a spy. I am your enchanted, preachy cat here to make your life as you know it a
living hell as well as guide you to your destiny! Now then, it's a special locket just for you.
Serena: Wow! For me? Wow, it's beautiful! Hee hee hee! This must be worth a zillion dollars!
Tuna: It's not worth anything...
Serena: Hmm hmm hm...
Serena begins humming while sporting the locket on her red ribbon apart of her sailor school uniform.
Tuna: Are you listening to me?
Serena: Ahh. Hmm? Ooo.
Tuna: It's not just a stupid piece of jewellery! You are sworn to defend the Moon Princess! Powerful, evil forces have
come to the Earth!
Serena: Hah?
Tuna: This locket will help you fight it! You are Sailor Goon. You must fight evil whenever you see it. You must
not be afraid.
Serena (sarcastic): Yeah right! Just like Sailor Whee!
Tuna: This isn't some joke being filmed for America's Funniest Home Videos, Serena! This is your destiny!
Serena: My destiny? Groovy.
Tuna: If you need anymore proof, here's the last piece. Just shout out, "Goon Gizmo Power."
Serena: Oookay, boss! Whatever you say, sailor! Okee doke!
Tuna: Just do it!
Serena: Goon, Gizmo, Power!
Serena puts her hand into the air as it becomes more transparent and embedded with colours. A now naked Serena roams along a bubble-filled blue background with the locket on her chest, spinning around until it beams and produces several strips of pink strands that form all around her torso and beam into a Body-suit with a blue sailor flap over her back and a red ribbon. The locket produces the same strands onto her lower-arms which transform into gloves. The strands go on her calves and become boots. A blue micro mini-skirt ruffles on top the bottom of her body suit as she roams around again completely clothed. A tiara appears on her head and two red balls appear in the two left and right balls of hair on top her head. She does one final pose. She sees herself in the mirror and screams.
Serena: Aah! This get-up?? What is it?? And why was I naked, roaming around through bubbles with pieces of
clothes appearing on me??
Tuna: For over-sexed teenage boys, Toei Anime has made a pact to always incorporate some sort of nudity.
Serena: I don't wanna do any of this! I wanna play Sailor Whee video games! I wanna dance and sing and do all
kinds of crazy things! Wlaaaaagh...
Molly (heard screaming): Heeeeeellllllllp! Somebody help me! Please! Somebody help me!!
Serena: What's that??
Tuna: That's your friend Molly. She's in big trouble and you have to save her.
Serena: Umm, how could I hear her scream all the way from the jewellery store and into my bedroom?
Tuna: How am I suppose to know? Just save her!
Serena: What am I suppose to do? Keep forgetting, I'm just a kid.
Tuna: You are Sailor Goon... and you must look in your heart to know what to do.
Serena: Why?
Tuna: You are Sailor Goon...
Serena: Stop saying that! I got that part already!
Tuna: Oh. Ok. Just do something! You're a superhero now!
Serena: I'm suppose to go in public dressed like this?
Tuna: Rrrowl! DO IT NOW!
Serena: Okay, okay.
SCENE VIII:
"Molly's mom" is choking Molly.
Molly: Let go! You're hurting me!
"Molly's Mom": Sorry... wouldn't want you to wet your diaper, little girl. Hahahaha!
Molly: Nnnnngh! Let go of my neck!! Help me!
"Molly's Mom" mutates into this evil, brown, wrinkly-faced monster in a black dress.
Molly: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Monster: Hah hah hah hah! Once I'm finished popping your head off, I'll pop off the heads of everyone on the
planet! Then soon, Queen Bowel will rule the world, and you'll be nothing but mindless slaves!
Serena: Take your sweaty hands off her, you mutant bully!
Monster: Who are you?
Serena: Umm... who am I? Well lemme see... uh... _I_ am Sailor Goon! And, uh, I'm a, champion of justice and G
rated television shows! Lemme see what else, I can think of. Oh yes, here's a good speech. Um, I will right
wrongs and do really painful things to you because you're wicked, evil and very smelly.
Monster: Are you the 90s answer to Wonder Woman or something?
Serena: You're gonna be sorry. Now let the girl go before I have to sock ya in the teeth!
Monster: I've never heard of you...
Serena: I'm the latest trend. Like it?
Monster: Oh I like it. Too bad your fad is gonna fade quickly because I'm gonna ream you out with my brainwashed
children!
Suddenly all the customers rise, brainwashed with green eyes and start coming after Serena.
Serena: Oh no... help me! I dunno what the hell I'm doing!
Monster: GET HER!
Serena: AaAHahAHahAHahaH!
A Brainwashed girl in a school uniform goes after Serena and she ducks out of the way. Suddenly, Serena is seen being thrown all over the place.
Serena: Ugh! Ow!
The Monster charges after Serena, knocking her into a pole.
Serena: Ow!
Monster: This will teach you to stick your nose where it doesn't belong! Hahahaha!
Serena: Aw man, that hurt. This isn't working. I don't wanna do this anymore. I quit!
Tuna: But Sailor Goon! We have 63 episodes!
Serena: 63 times of THIS? Getting thrown around like a trash bag? No way! Not gonna happen!
Tuna: Sailor Goon! What's the matter with you? Get off your butt and show a little spine!
Suddenly, the monster comes charging after Serena.
Serena: Aaaaaaaaaaaah! WLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
A sharp rose shoots into the ground, causing a distracting interruption. The monster turns around to see someone standing in the window in a tuxedo, cape and white mask on with a top hat.
Monster: And who might you be? Another completely new superhero who thinks he can outmatch me?
Tuxedo Trash: I am Tuxedo Trash. And I don't like what you're doing to this poor, obviously inexperienced teenage
girl.
Monster: Chew me.
Tuxedo Trash: Sailor Goon, you must believe in yourself! Know you are a true warrior, it is your destiny! And you
have a piece of spinach in between your teeth!
Serena: But I don't wanna be a warrior! Wlaaaaaaagh!
Tuna: Sailor Goon, I'm not going to say it again. Quit your whining and do something about this. Crying isn't going
to do anything!
Phill: Wanna bet?
Serena: Wlaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
Suddenly, the red balls in Serena's "cheese ball" balls of hair on her head begin to glow and shake the entire building to shake and the Monster to go berserk.
Monster: Aaaagh! Dammit! Someone shut that damn kid up! Somebody stop that HIDEOUS crying!!
Serena: Wlaaaaagh!
Tuna: Now's your chance. Show some guts and take off your headgear and shout "Goon Tiara Magic!"
Serena: Uh, ok.
Serena takes off her forehead-piece and spins around as it turns into a glowing tiara.
Serena: Goooooon... Tiara.... MAGIC!
Serena throws the tiara and it hits the Monster.
Monster: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! I shall return!
Phill: Uhh, you just got made into sand. I don't think you will.
Monster: Yaaalgh!
The Monster turns to ashes and fades away.
Serena: I did that?
Tuna: She did that?
Deadmite watches the energy ball dissipate.
Deadmite: What the bloody hell? The energy! It's gone! Who ever did this is going to be screaming in intense, slow
agony.
A stream of sand is pouring in a pile of sand.
Narrator: Like sands in the hourglass... so are the...
Tuna: Wrong show. You want NBC studios.
Narrator: Pardon!
The sand pile dissipates.
Tuxedo Trash: Congratulations, together, we destroyed the evil forces of the Segaverse.
Serena: No you didn't. All you did was stand in a window in that fancy, dreamy tuxedo and tell me stuff Tuna could
easily have told me.
Tuxedo Trash: Um... whatever. Anyway, do not be afraid! I will fight with you!
Serena: Let's just hope we both have the same idea on what fighting is.
Tuxedo Trash: Your hopeless. I have to go.
Tuxedo Trash waves his cape around himself and flies away.
Serena: That guy is so hunky! I'd like to kiss that guy for hours!
Tuna: Oh good lord. Anyway, what's most important is you saved the universe and your friends.
Serena: Do you think he wears boxers or briefs?
Tuna: Ugh.
SCENE IX:
At the library...
Molly: I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that this wicked, nasty, sharp-tongued monster attacked me and
a beautiful warrior came and saved me.
Girl: Funny, I had the same thing.
Molly: That's the weirdest thing! Serena, isn't that weird?
Serena: No comment. And could you guys keep it down? I haven't slept in hours and I need a little shut eye before I
crack up, ok?
Serena rests on her arms and goes to sleep.
THE END
Serena: Sometimes, parents put too much pressure on their children to do well in school. In France, parents put their
children in stew kettles and cook them if they get bad grades. And in Mexico, they stuff you in an oven.
Sometimes, the pressure makes kids wanna kill themselves. If you know a child who wants to kill themselves,
then just remember, do well in school yourself. You could end up as sorry and pathetic as they are. Sailor
Goon says, hee hee hee hee! Hey, what do you want from me? I'm _just_ a girl.
© 1999 Phill. Enterprises