Phill. Enterprises Presents:
Sailor Goon
"Computer School From Hell"
Parody of, "Computer School Blues"
SCENE I:
At Queen Bowel's...
Deadmite: My queen, I have come up with a new way to please you.
Queen Bowel: It better be good. And a plan regarding the Segaverse. I won't be tricked by your body.
Deadmite: Oh darn.
Queen Bowel: Writers, write this pathetic little upstart a plan.
Phill: Okkay... lemme think here...
Deadmite: Don't hurt yourselves.
Phill: Watch it, Deadmite. Um, I got something.
Deadmite: Thank you! Ahem, I've found humans have this crazy need for scholastic achievement and thus waste oodles of energy going after it.
Queen Bowel: Very good deduction, but what are you going to do with this discovery?
Deadmite: Well, I figure we should drain energy using computers, those tools that they use wasting on the Internet and other ridiculous things.
Queen Bowel: Proceed, Deadmite. But as I've said before, I won't tolerate very much more failing.
Deadmite: I won't fail this time.
Queen Bowel: Out!
SCENE II:
At Serena's...Serena is busting a gut reading Twinkie Magazine's Top 10 excuses men have for not having sex with their wives.
Serena: Hahahahaha! Oh ha hahahahahaha!! Heee hee heee! Hahahahaaha!
Serena's Mom: What the heck is so funny?
Serena: You got to look at this... it's so funny! 10. They'd rather have lobotomies. 9. It gives men stomach aches after dinner. 8. They fear they'll spoil it by screaming out Kathy Ireland's name. .....
Serena's Mom: Hahaahahah! [Stopping] Why aren't you studying?
Serena: Hey chill out. I decided I wouldn't do that today.
Serena's Mom: Huh?
Serena: Oh yah. Just means more work for later.
Serena's Mom: Stop right there. Your father and I are afraid you're gonna flunk school. And then become some cheap hooker working for change and condoms eating out of cold cans of soup with no dignity! Where did your father and I go wrong?
Serena: Well, you could've stopped after me ya know. Sammy's not really necessary.
Serena's Mom begins to sob. Serena suddenly begins wailing.
Serena: Wlaaaaaagh! Oh it's not your fault. [Sniff] I mean, things are different now than when you were younger. Oh, the pressure. HO the pressure, it's too much. I can't take it. And these magazines and comic books are my only ways of keeping from killing myself. Oh, the pain...
Serena's Mom: Give me a break, Serena. I used that excuse with my mom.
Serena: You did? As if! Molly told me that that was a whole new excuse!
Serena's Mom: You are going to study!
Serena growls.
SCENE III:
Tuna is pacing on Serena's bed. Serena is supposedly studying.
Tuna: Stop chewing on your pencil. It's bad for your teeth.
Serena: Stop preaching. It's bad on my NERVES.
Tuna: Is that your math homework?
Serena: Yeah. But these problems are too hard.
Tuna: Oh reely? Maybe I can help you figure it OUT.
Tuna jumps up onto the table to help Serena.
Serena: Oh no!
Serena quickly tries to hide the Twinkie Magazine.
Tuna: What?? This filthy, cheap little top 10 list again?? Serena, this is getting old. When are you going to get down to business and stop flushing your life down the eternal toilet??
Serena: I'm NOT flushing my life down the toilet. I don't need homework. I'll just get a job at a MacRonalds, collect enough pay checks to pay for my own broadway show, which, since I'm so talented, will easily go over. Then I'll make lots and lots of money!
Tuna: Why do you always put off doing your homework?
Serena: Because I don't need it. Besides, YOU always said my DESTINY is to be a Sailor Scout.
Tuna: Sailor Scouts have to study too.
Serena: Oh I get it, Sailor Scouts always get to do the boring, crappy stuff but they are strictly forbidden to have any fun.
Tuna: You need to know more about the world.
Serena: But it's so hard...!
Tuna: The hard part makes you stronger.
Serena (growing fed-up): Ugh...Tuna: Just do it!
SCENE IV:
At the Crown-Me Arcade Centre, Tuna is entering and jumps up to one of the arcade screens.
Voice: Welcome...to...the...Sailor Whee Challenge. If you would like to continue and play, put your hand on the screen. If you would like to see nude shots of Sailor Whee, hoot and holler. If you are a talking cat with a crescent moon in your forehead, put your paw on the screen.
Tuna raises an eyebrow and then puts her paw on the screen.
Voice: Welcome. Voice password.
Tuna: Stay in school and don't chew gum.
Voice: Password accepted. Welcome to the Absolute Control Centre. What do you have to report, Tuna?
Tuna: I feel like Serena is flushing her life down the eternal toilet.
Voice: You...already...said that. And...that's...a...very...bad...analogy, Tuna. Some...kids...may...be...eating breakfast.
Tuna: Oh. Sorry. I think she'll never live up to her destiny.
Voice: You must teach her and be patient.
Tuna: Ugh. Boy you owe me big for this.
Voice: Put your left paw on the screen for further secret FBI information.
Tuna puts her paw on the screen and up comes a mug shot of a girl in the School Sailor Uniform with big blue eyes and Short-cut Blue Hair.
Tuna: Now who the heck is this?
Voice: A new student at Serena's school. We sense something about her. She may be from the Segaverse.
Tuna: Her? Well, it is feasible considering she has blue hair.
Voice: Investigate immediately.
SCENE V:
At Cross-eyes Junior High...Molly and Pudgy Patty are talking to Serena in the hall about a new student.
Molly: Hey Serena, did you hear the latest rumours tacked up on the bulletin board about the new girl at school?
Serena: What?
Molly: I heard she's a real brainiac.
Pudgy Patty: Major book worm. She was a student at Brighton Academy!
Melvin shows up out of no where.
Melvin: I found out the latest dirt on the new girl! Her name is Amy and she came from Brighton Academy.
Pudgy Patty: Old news, dweeb.
Serena: Are you so pathetic that you're going to waste your time doing a report on her?
Melvin: I always do. Have to determine if it's a tough girl or not to ensure my safety.
Molly and Serena roll their eyes. Suddenly, the blue haired girl looks out the hall window.
Melvin: Actually, I look forward to meeting her. She may give me something I've been wanting for a long time and it begins with s.
Molly: What's that?
Melvin: Scholastic Achievement!
Pudgy Patty: I think I hear your libido coughing, choking and gagging.
Melvin: Can it, Patty.
Serena: Why would anyone be stupid enough to go after her? She's probably a total snob. And I bet she has boobs the size of golf balls.
Molly: You're just jealous because you're so stupid and she's so smart.
Serena (angry): Wanna say that again?
Molly: Uhhh, no.
Melvin: I'm looking forward to a scholastic challenge! Oh, how she could tame me.
Serena: I'm gonna vomit.
Pudgy Patty: I don't think this girl is that special at all. I bet she got kicked out Brighton, ya know?
Molly: Ooo wouldn't that be funny! A Brighton flunkey!
All of the girls laugh except Serena, who notices Amy turn her head towards them with tears in her eyes when she turns a cold shoulder. Serena suddenly turns back to her friends and starts laughing.
Serena: Hahahahaha boy that was funny!
Molly: What was?
Serena: Shut up and go along with it.
SCENE VI:
Serena is walking home from school.
Serena: Man oh man. I can't wait to go home and have an 8 inch tall sandwich. But wait, then my mom will see this horrible paper of mine. Ugh.
Serena begins to drag on in her walk. She suddenly notices Amy walking home unaware that she's been wearing a "Kick Me" sign on her back all this time.
Serena: Say! That's that new girl. She sure looks bummed.
Suddenly, Tuna jumps out of nowhere and goes after Amy, pounces on her and extends her 4 inch long claws at her face.
Amy: Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Help! It's a lunatic cat!!
Tuna pulls back her claws and calms down with a suspecting glare in her face.
Amy: My you gave me a start, kitty! Thank goodness I can control my bladder! Tuna, you're such a cute kitty. With your little crescent moon that is so mysterious that I'm totally shocked that you even have one. I wish I could have a cat like you.
Serena: Hee hee hee. Tuna!
Tuna looks up, runs off Amy and runs to Serena.
Serena: Yeah, come here my little kitty.
Tuna jumps on Serena's arm.
Serena: Sorry she bothered you.
Amy: Are you here to make fun of me like all the other kids?
Serena: Not particularly. Your name's Amy, right? Hee hee.
Amy: Your name is Serena, right?
Serena: Yup, uh huh.
Amy: I heard all about you. Melvin told me that you thought I'd be a total snob.
Serena: Huh?
Amy: ...and that I have boobs the size of moth balls.
Serena: Um, I said golf balls... but I suppose that's not any bet...
Amy: I also heard you guys think I'm stupid and that I got kicked out Brighton.
Serena: But that was just uhh, gossip and stuff...
Amy sneers.
10 minutes later... Amy and Serena are walking down the street chatting and Serena is just now explaining what she said.
Serena: ...and so that's what I really was saying.
Amy: Oh! Okkay. Then that's good then.
Serena: This is a really great neighbourhood. We haven't had a major disaster in 3 years. It's got everything you need; ice cream stores, arcade stands, shopping malls...
Amy: Where's the library?
Serena: Library? Why'd you want to go to a stuffy old boring room like that?
Amy: Well, how else would I be so smart if I didn't go? Besides, I think it's really nifty to read.
Serena: My goodness, did your parents put you in a box with holes in it all your life? Only Melvin, the school dweeb is into all that stuff.
Amy: Well, what kind of stuff do you do with your spare time?
Serena: Leave my sex life out of this!
Amy: Huh?
Tuna (quietly): Serena! She might be referring to your powers. You can't fall for this.
Amy: I didn't mean...
Tuna: She might have powers from the Segaverse, you have to be very careful.
Serena: Ah hahahahaha! You're so silly!
Amy: Why do you think I'm silly?
Phill: You've had a kick me sign on your back for 3 and a half hours now, that might be it.
Amy: Oh goodness!
Serena snatches it off.
Serena: Oh I mean my cat is silly! Heh. She likes to pretend she can _talk_ by nibbling on my ear.
Amy: I wish animals could really talk.
Serena: Yeah well, I'm sure whatever came out their mouth would be pure crap! Heehehee.
Serena has this strange look on her face while putting her hand on Tuna's face, who is making struggling noises.
Serena: Now now, Tuna! Don't make faces, your face might freeze that way! Heh!
SCENE V:
At the Crown-Me Arcade Game Centre...Serena is devilishly trying to win the Sailor Whee video game while Amy is watching.
Amy: Hm. You know, sitting at that screen is really bad for your eyes if you do it too much. Incidentally, this game is stupid and really violent.
Serena: Urrr! I'm gonna beat it!
It's plainly seen that Serena loses Sailor Whee.
Amy: Oh darn. That's the 8th time too.
Serena: Why don't you try? I seriously doubt you can do any better than me.
Amy: Okay. I will.
Amy sits down to the screen and begins playing. Suddenly, her score on the scoreboard sores by leaps and bounds. From 2000 to 6000...
Serena: Umm, are you sure you never played this before?
Amy: This game is really simple. I can't believe you can't beat it.
Serena: Umm.. aheh.
Suddenly, it goes from 9000 to 12000. Suddenly a crowd gathers around Amy and starts watching.
Serena: Hey! How'd all you people know her score was so big?
Person: The writer told us.
Serena: Ugh!!
Finally, Amy blows away a top notch villain in the game. Suddenly, Andrew walks up to Serena.
Andrew: Hey Serena! What's going on?
Serena: Hi Andrew! Andrew: Wow! Who's playing? She's amazing!
Serena (embarrassed): Um, this is my friend Amy. Aheh. Ughll... not so bad, is she?
Andrew: Nobody's ever played this good in all the history of this arcade having that game!
Serena: Stop rubbing it in!
Amy sees her watch and blinks her eyes.
Amy: Oh no! I've wasted all my time playing this stupid video game! I'm going to be so late! My professor is going to kill me!
Serena: Huh? Whaaa?
Amy runs out the seat and Sailor Whee is seen being destroyed.
Person: Hey, you're an idiot! You had a 20000 score!
Amy: So I lost a silly video game. At least I'm going to get into Harvard!
Serena sees Amy running through the crowd.
Serena: Hey what's the big rush all of a sudden!
Amy: I'm in a Computer School.
Serena: What? More school now? It's 4:00 in the afternoon!
Amy: It's a special Computer School but it's only twice a week, and 3 hours each.
Serena: Does it hurt when your brain explodes?
Amy: <Sigh> Anyway, I gotta go! Catch ya later, Serena! Amy runs out the arcade room.
Serena: I sure hope Tuna's wrong about her.
Andrew exits the arcade room.
Andrew: I'm glad you're still here.
Serena: Ooo! Really?!
Andrew: Yeah. I've been meaning to give you something you've been wanting for a long time.
Serena: A stroll down the park? Maybe having a chocolate milk shake? Ooo, I bet you want to take me to the drive-in for a little kissy-kissy...
Andrew: What are you talking about? I just wanted to give you your diskette. It sounds like you really need a boyfriend. You're really wanting some.
Serena: Uhh, thanks. It must be my friend Amy's. I'll get it back to her as soon as possible.
Andrew: Sure thing.
SCENE VI:
Students in the Criss-Crossed Junior High School uniforms are entering the NEBodi Hear Computer School.
"Teacher": Heh heh heh. Excellent. A lot of chronically boring eggheads submitting all this energy to the Segaverse. Queen Bowel shall be very pleased.
SCENE VII:
At the computer school, there are several booths where every student is sitting at a computer. Amy is scratching around for her diskette in her brief case.
Amy: Oh no! I must have forgot to bring my diskette. I'll just have to type out my homework right now.
Suddenly, a hand lands on Amy's shoulder.
"Teacher": Hello, Amy.
Amy (turning around): Uhh, hi, there...
"Teacher": You do remember what the punishment is for being hideously late?
Amy: Oh no. Not that... not...
"Teacher": That's right. Being made to log into a sex chat room.
Amy: Oh dear. How I hate that.
"Teacher": But we all know that won't happen to you! You've been an EXCELLENT student.
Amy: Really?
"Teacher": Yes. You've put so much effort and hard work into this course. You're my best student, and I'd like you to know I want you to leave early.
Amy: Oo! Sure! Thanks.
"Teacher": Class will start in a minute.
Amy: Whew. That was close. I thought for sure she'd have my hide for not bringing in my disk. Oh man, sex chat rooms, how frightening.
SCENE VIII:
Serena is standing outside the computer school with Tuna.
Serena: <sigh> More school. I hate going to anymore school that I have to. It's dangerous to my health.
Tuna: No. Warts are dangerous to your health. Chicken Pox are dangerous to your health. School is your friend.
Serena: Swallow it, Tuna. You're not the one who has to wake up at 7 am every morning to run to school to learn stuff that's way too hard and outdated.
Tuna: Yes, but do you think it was fun getting those 8 hour lessons per day for 2 years being taught how to talk? Serena: Puh. Probably wasn't as hard as having to go to school.
Tuna: <Growl> Just be alert when you're in there. I know it'll be a major strain considering you, but you have to try. This could be a trap.
Serena: You're so paranoid. It's no wonder you're so wrinkled.
Tuna: Cats don't wrinkle.
Serena: You always have to argue what I say, don't you?
Dairenn: Talking to yourself again, cheeseball head?
Serena: Aah!!!
Dairenn: Woh. I always thought you were crazy, but I never thought you were this wacko.
Serena: Don't you have some train tracks to sleep on?
Dairenn: Ha ha ha.
Serena: Gotta run!
Serena runs off.
Serena: What are you staring at!!?!
Dairenn just stands there, staring at Serena.
Dairenn: That girl is nuts. Sometimes I think she needs help.
Tuna is seen trailing dust as she drives Serena away up to a pole.
Serena: <Pant, pant, pant> That guy is such a blowheart!
Tuna: I must admit, he does need to learn to mind his own business.
Serena: Sometimes I just wanna tear his hear out.
Tuna: Now let's not get crazy. I was sure he heard me talking.
Serena: And I still have this stupid disk! For all I know there's probably a bunch of porn pictures on it.
Tuna: I'll bet not, considering your friend isn't a jock-loving, butt-hungry sex-maniac.
Serena: So what? I bet she goes around pretending to be prim and proper and by night looks at porn pictures while...
Tuna: Stop conjuring up RUMORS about people. It's annoying, time-wasting and pointless.
Serena: Can't you have a little fun?
Tuna: I don't want you telling RUMORS about people.
Serena: All right, fine.
Tuna: There's a computer centre nearby. I bet we can take the disk there and check it out.
Serena: What for?
Tuna: So we can find out what Amy's really up to!
Serena: I think you do think she's a sex-maniac. In fact, there are probably FBI secrets about aliens from outer space, and this is all her diabolical plan to take over the world. You know, Tuna, I sometimes think you're even more nutsoid than me.
Tuna: Do you have to trivialise everything?
SCENE IX:
Tuna is on a stool typing at a computer.
Serena: You're pretty smart for a cat.
Tuna: You...could...learn...if...you...wanted.
Serena: Nooo thanks.
Tuna: You're comfortable being stupid, aren't you?
Serena: I'm not stupid. I just don't enjoy work.
Suddenly, a shrieking noise comes out the computer.
Serena: What is that terrible sound?? Some kind of dog call?
Tuna: Cover your ears. It could be obscene.
Serena covers her ears.
Serena: What's going on??
Tuna: I don't know, but I think we're about to find out.
Computer Voice: Welcome, students. You have been chosen to submit your energy to Queen Bowel and the Segaverse... resistance is futile. You cannot escape...
Tuna: It's worse than I thought. It's a brainwashing program. Oooh. And look at this, it's a repetitive picture of... oh dear lord. Serena, cover your eyes.
Tuna shuts off the computer monitor.
Serena: What does this mean?
Tuna: Either your friend is a sex-fiend, or she's from the Segaverse. And my money's on both.
SCENE X:
Serena and Tuna are outside the computer school again.
Serena: I can't just waltz in there.
Tuna: That's what the Tuna Pen is for, silly.
Serena: Oh right! That wicked cool little toy.
Tuna: Toy? Err...
Serena: Disguise power! Transform me into, ah, ah... a homely school teacher's assistant!
Serena is now in a lab-coat with chin-length hair. She runs into the classroom.
Serena: All right! Who's the wicked little sex-addict in charge of this bogus school scene?
Amy: Excuse me, but I can't think with your shouting and whatnot. Could you please tell me what the heck you're doing here? Is this an emergency?
Serena: I bet you can't think with all this evil planning. And this is a serious emergency.
Amy: Serena?
Serena: You are going to keep your mouth shut, in the meantime...
Tuna: It's Sailor Goon time!
Serena: Right!
"The Music" begins as Serena throws up her hand. Her fingernail polish begins to glow, causing the pigmentation of her hand to fade as it became replaced by a blend of colours flowing constantly. Her eyes open as her now nude body spins around through the alter-dimension; the locket on her chest projects glowing dark pink ribbon as it ties around her body to become a special body suit and bow with a sailor flap on the back. Serena brings her arms above her head crossed at the wrists. Dark pink ribbon wraps around her arms until it becomes taught and turns into gloves. To her feet, more dark pink ribbon become her boots as she spins through the air with her knee in the air after her skirt is formed. Her tiara is affixed around her forehead and two red balls appear in the two balls on the left and right side of her hair. She finally strikes a pose with a crescent moon appearing behind herself.
Amy: Wow!
Sailor Goon: What? I thought you were expecting me. Now aren't you going to turn into a hideous monster with an oily face and a skin disease?
Amy: Huh? MMM!
Suddenly, a hand is wrapped around Amy's face.
"Teacher": Amy, you bonehead. Can't I leave you in charge for one minute?
Amy (muffled): Mm! Let go!! Mmm!
The teacher begins to transform into a red monster.
Monster #3: Ha ha ha! I shall not tolerate this absurd interruption. And now you have to leeeeeve.
Amy: Mmm! Mmm! Wlooow!!
Later that afternoon...Suddenly, three Pathetic Rangers, Red, Yellow and Blue, bust through the computer school.
Blue Nosed Ranger: Okay you wicked monster! The jig is up!
Red Rash Ranger: Yeah! We got you covered!
Sailor Goon: This is my show! Get out of here!
Yellow Back Ranger: Ooh. Wrong show. Sorry.
Blue Nosed Ranger: Pardon.
The rangers leave.
Sailor Goon: Where were we? Oh yes, obviously Amy is NOT from the Segaverse! So, miss Know-it-all, what do I do now?
Tuna: Wing it?
Sailor Goon: You're useless. Well, now I know what you're up to and you're not going to get away with it.
Monster #3: Says who?
Sailor Goon: Says I! Sailor Goon! The champeen of justice, and Saturday morning cartoons! I will defend the right to have chocolate pudding for dessert and people who are being attacked by garbage like you.
Monster #3: That speech was pathetic, airhead. Pop quiz, time.
Sailor Goon: Huh?
Monster #3: We want answers, and if you don't give it to us, we'll make you pay. 355 x 268. What is it? 2 seconds.
Sailor Goon: Listen you trash bag, you're not my teacher and I don't have to listen to you or answer your stupid questions. So as far as I'm concerned, you can bite me.
Monster #3: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. I'm afraid it's time to die.
Monster #3 raises her hand and suddenly a fleet of test papers appear in the air, flying after Sailor Goon.
Sailor Goon: Aaaaah! Wooaaaah!
Sailor Goon dodges out the way and a bunch of papers cut through the door and get stuck inside the door. Same thing happens all around the walls of the school and Sailor Goon is basically cornered.
Sailor Goon: Hah! Is that all ya got or are you just a big chicken head?
Monster #3: You've got guts. Don't worry, you'll lose those as soon as these papers cut through.
Tuna: Oh great. Now she's in a corner, what a heroine. Pfft.
Sailor Goon: This is NOT going weeeeellll!
Tears begin to fill in Sailor Goon's eyes.
Monster #3: Now, you have two choices. You can surrender now, or surrender later.
Sailor Goon: I'd rather get sliced in half than to surrender to some twisted old swamp-thing that smells like rotten old meat.
Monster #3: Two demerits for insults. And if you want to die, then that's what you're going to get. Hahaha!
Amy (muffled): Mmm!! Let go! Your hand is really sweaty and stinky!
Monster #3: Shut up, kid, and I won't douse your head in the toilet.
A bunch of zombie-students come slowly after Sailor Goon.
Students: Ugh. Must...kill...Sailor Goon...augh...
Sailor Goon: Tuna, help-help-help meee! I really could use some help right now!
Monster #3: Well well well, miss blue-head, you thought you get out of sniffing the gas and being my zombie, eh? Well now you're going to pay.
Monster #3 begins shoving Amy's face up against the computer screen, displaying different pictures of naked bodies.
Monster #3: Ha ha ha! Look at it, and die!
Amy: Ew, so disgusting! Stop shoving my head! This hurts!
Monster #3: Shut up. You are going to listen to the noise, smell the gas and look at this graphically indiscreet, hard-core porn.
Amy: I'm not listening to you and I'm not going to do anything you say, so let me go, you witch! Right now!!
Monster #3: Urrr, you're really making me angry!!
Suddenly, the astrological sign of Mercury appears in green on Amy's forehead.
Monster #3: Hey what's this mark? This is a funny looking birthmark.
Tuna: It's Mercury! She's not from the Segaverse! She's one of us! Ooo. This is such dazzling news.
Tuna does a fancy leap and back flip and produces a pen.
Amy: Mmmm!!
Monster #3: You needs your energy. Since you're so defiant, I'll just have to bump you off. Bye bye, you failed this class, nerd.
Monster #3 produces a giant drill in her hand. Amy sits on the ground, shaking, frightened.
Monster #3: Nice knowing you, Amy. Hahahaha!
Tuna: Amy! Take this!
Tuna passes the pen over to Amy. Monster #3 drills into the ground and Amy barely dodges.
Amy: Ooo!
Tuna: Shout Mercury-Jercury Power!
Amy: Right.
Monster #3: Shoot! Missed. Well I'll get you again. Hahaha!
Amy glares at Monster #3.
Amy: Mercury-Jercury Power!
Amy raises her Pen and inside the blue ball on the pen, the Mercury sign flips around and around and moves closer and closer to the screen until it disappears. The pen begins to produce glittery blue ribbon which a nude Amy spreads around. Amy gets wrapped up in the glittery ribbon. It becomes a bodysuit, just like Sailor Goon's (with a blue bow), and then a blue skirt is formed around her waist. Amy finally makes a final pose.
Tuna: Wow. Slick. I thought Sailor Mercury was gonna be Beef Jerky for sure.
Sailor Goon is being cornered by a group of zombies.
Sailor Goon: Tuna help!! I need help right now!!
Tuna: Mercury, use your water balloons!
Sailor Mercury: My what?
Tuna: Water balloons!
Sailor Mercury: Am I suppose to already know what that is?
Tuna: Yes! You are a superhero now and you know everything.
Sailor Mercury: Does anyone have the script?
Sailor Goon throws it over the crowd of zombies and Mercury catches it.
Sailor Mercury: Thanks. Lets see now... "Mercury Water Balloons, burst." Got it. Ahem, Mercury Water Balloons... Burst!
Sailor Mercury holds out her hands and then a giant blue water balloon appears in her hands jiggling. Sailor Mercury spins around a few times and then the jiggling water balloon levitates in front of Sailor Mercury's crossed wrists. Sailor Mercury lets her arms go and she backs further away into the distance and the water balloon bursts and goes after its target. The water dissolves into foggy steam and clouds its target's vision.
Monster #3: Ehh? What's this?? This wasn't in my plans. I can't see my hand before my face! Ooooh... it's cold. So very very cold.
Sailor Goon: Dah dah, you know... sometimes, regular scaredy cats such as myself have, uhh, certain bursts of adrenaline and dah dah... you don't know what might happen... so stay away!!
Zombies: Uhg... ugh....Sailor Goon: Ooo!!
Sailor Goon abruptly raises her boot up under one of the male zombie's crotch and the zombie appears unaffected.
Sailor Goon: Eeughl... this is getting really weird.
Suddenly, the steam overpowers the zombies and they all fall asleep. Meanwhile, Monster #3 stands shaking with her hands around her arms and her teeth chattering.
Monster #3: Ooooh... this is so cold. I'm shaking.
Sailor Mercury: I hope you enjoy getting ice solid.
Monster #3: Why you arrogant little smart-ass... I'm gonna get you...
Monster #3 tries to run her hand drill into Sailor Mercury but the fog clears and shows that it's just drilled into a wall.
Sailor Mercury: Missed me, waffle-face. You remind me of a very rude boy in the back of my class.
Monster #3: You're gonna pay!!
Sailor Mercury: Sailor Goon, are you finished crying?
Sailor Goon: Pretty much.
Sailor Mercury: Good. Then use your tiara.
Sailor Goon: 'kay.
Sailor Goon removes her tiara. It turns into a glowing disc.
Sailor Goon: Goon Tiara...Magic!!
Sailor Goon throws the disc and the monster is sliced in various portions of the body when finally they all collapse onto the ground like a pile of old steaks.
Phill: Now who's gonna clean THAT up?
Suddenly, all the students in the classroom awaken as humans instead of zombies, extremely tired.
Tuna: Sailor Mercury, you were outstanding. Magnificent. Why, you...
Sailor Goon: Okay, that's enough praising the rookie.
Tuna: Welcome to the Sailor Scouts.
Sailor Mercury: Thanks, but I really don't have the time to study and do this little routine at the same time. This was fun and all, but this skirt is really short and shows much more than I'd like to be seen, and the body suit is itchy and tight-fitting... plus, I'm so busy...
Tuna: Mercury, I gave you the pen. There's no turning back. You cannot escape. You are now a Sailor Scout and I don't care what you're doing. You must fight evil.
Sailor Mercury: If I had have known that, I would've just ran instead of taking the pen.
Sailor Goon: Wow! Amy's Sailor Mercury!
SCENE XI:
In the city...
Serena: Wow, I can't believe we thought you were a spy from the Segaverse.
Amy: Why do they call it that anyway?
Serena: I don't know. I guess it's just really evil sounding.
Amy: Well, anyway...that's quite all right. I suspected much worse of you; I thought that either you're a bimbo with way too much time on her hands or someone who pretends to be dumb just to get a good lay. I had no idea you were the champion of justice.
Serena: Uh yeah. Right.
Tuna: It was my idea to start with. It was that bonehead at Absolute Control; it looks like I'll be whipping some ass when I get back to headquarters.
Serena: You do your stuff!
Amy: Don't be too hard on her, Tuna; once you found out what was on that disk, not to mention 29 viruses that would've nuked my Mac, I couldn't blame you at all for suspecting me.
Tuna: I didn't even SEE the viruses, just a lot of naked guys.
Amy: Oh dear lord!
Serena: Get used to it, Amy. [Giggles] But you know, now that we're _friends_ I don't have to work so hard.
Amy: How do you mean?
Serena: Well, since we're friends, would you do--I mean, help me with my homework?
Amy: Uhhh??
THE END
© Phill. Enterprises 1999