Phill. Enterprises Presents:

Sailor Goon

"A Really Messed Up Life"

Parody of, "An Uncharmed Life"

SCENE I:

At Queen Bowel's condominium of Hell...

Queen Bowel: What is your problem, Deadmite?? You're a worthless bum who has made me very unhappy. Our energy source is very low and if I am to release the Segaverse on November 3rd, 1995 at seven hundred hours and 30 minutes, I need the Imperium Silver Golf Ball. Now tell me, is our new plan ready to be executed yet?

Deadmite: Yes, my queen. Everything is set.

Queen Bowel: Excellent, that is what I like to hear. Just one thing. I want you to remove that vermin of a scoundrel, Sailor Goon and her nerd friend.

Deadmite: Of course, I shall be rid of them today.

Queen Bowel (looks suspiciously): You're not just telling me anything I want to hear to avoid getting yelled at are you?

Deadmite: Of course not.

Queen Bowel: You're still doing it, aren't you?

Deadmite: . . . Yes.

SCENE II:

Serena and Tuna are standing on the street watching as police cars are driving down the street.

Serena: Hah?

Tuna: Hm?

Serena spots Ami reading a newspaper.

Serena: Hey, Ami!

Ami: Umm, hi….Serena.

Serena: What's going on?

Ami: I'm finding something to do...

Serena: Don't you wanna hang out?

Ami: I've known you for two weeks and by now, I know what "hanging out" means. That means I finish all your homework, and mine while you sit around and play Sailor Whee video games. Well, I'm exhausted and overworked.

Serena: Oh come on, a few chapters in Calculus, Bio Chemistry, English and History is not that much.

Ami: Not that much for me, I assume. You should do your own homework more often.

Another police car runs past Serena, Ami and Tuna.

Serena: What is this? Where are those cars going?

Suddenly, Molly shows up.

Molly: Hey you guys...

Danieletta: You guys won't believe what's happening!

Molly + Serena + Ami: What?

Danieletta: All those cars are heading for the Sacred Temple of Kinky Stuff and Magic Condoms. But they call themselves the Sacred Temple for short, mostly because of a protest by angry parents. Anyway... stories say that busses have been disappearing. People who go to the temple hop on the bus near there and then _poof_! It vanishes into thin air!

Serena + Molly + Ami: <Gasp!>

Danieletta: This isn't the first time this has happened either. The police are trying to keep this quiet and not make a spectacle of it because they're scared people are going to freak out and old men are going to have heart attacks.

Ami: How do you know in detail all these things?

Danieletta: Because I'm a useless extra who's been brought in to explain the premise of today's show, silly.

Ami: Ah. That's simple enough.

Molly: I've never been to the Sacred Temple.

Serena: Me neither, but I'm not about to start going. Not with people disappearing and stuff.

Molly: Guoy! I hear they have charms and stuff really cheap and condoms for 10 cents. But I'll never need those.

Danieletta: But the charms can even help you with getting boyfriends!

Serena: Really??

Ami: I could use those.

Serena: Oooh, Ami! Got a secret crush? Is he like major beefcake? Or is he a simple cool guy with an average body but killer mind?

Ami: Oh no. I have too much going on to have any sexual feelings or icky things like that. I just need good luck charms to help me with my Extra Credit Essay I've been struggling to write in between doing your homework.

Molly (looks at Ami): I was gonna use 'em for that too but then I decided I'd get a life.

Serena: Get some hormones, Ami.

SCENE III:

At the S.T.K.S.M.C., this mysterious man who looks like Deadmite is sweeping up while listening to two girls.

Girl: Oooh, I'm gonna wear my charm all the time!

Deadmite (hidden): Yes... that's right, suck all the life out of those stupid, cackling superficial valley girls.

A black-haired girl in a kimono is kneeling before a well of fire with crows on either side of her. She apparently is praying.

Raye: Oh, cleansing flame, guide me and show me what strange things are going on. I've been trying to read you to figure out what's been going on for days, except it doesn't seem to matter that I've strengthened your wisdom and power by 80 degrees. I'm worried about Grandpa.

At the counter of the temple, three girls are preparing to leave after making charm purchases. Grandpa approaches them suddenly.

Grandpa: Hello, girls! Buying condoms today?

Girl #1: Excuse me?

Grandpa: Well, this is the Sacred Temple of Kinky Stuff and Magic Condoms.

Girl #2: Yeah, but I don't think girls our age are as concerned with that aspect of your temple as we are with your good luck charms.

Grandpa: Well, I'd buy them. Every girl today so far has tried to bang our new caretaker Mike.

Girl #3: We need to go now, and catch...the bus.

Grandpa: The bus?

Girl #1: Yes...the bus.

Grandpa: Oh, all right. Before you go, would you mind bending over and picking up that fifty cent piece?

Girl #2: Oh, there's no fifty cent piece on the floor. You probably already picked it up and just forgot.

Grandpa: Oh, okay. In that case, could you just bend over in front of me?

Girl #1: What??

Grandpa: Ehh, I tell you what. I'll just give you my sacred blessing to go with your new lucky charms. Does that sound okay?

Girl #3: I guess so.

Grandpa: Great!

Grandpa goes into a routine in which he shakes his body about while holding a sort of stick with little papers on the end of it. He generates enough wind to cause the three girls' skirts to fly upward, revealing their panties.

Grandpa: Ooh. I'd say this blessing was very lucky for some of us.

Girl #2 slaps Grandpa, and the three of them run away.

Grandpa: Don't forget to come back and buy our special potpourri scented prophylactics! Bye bye now!

As the three girls walk away looking back at the temple indignantly, Deadmite is just leaning against a wall, looking spooky and mysterious. Grandpa starts laughing for no apparent reason, and then he sees Serena, Molly and Danieletta standing a few feet from where the other girls were and he approaches them.

Grandpa: I thought you girls said you were going home.

Serena: What?

Grandpa: I hope you're not back here about the blessing, because you can't prove that that wind made your skirts fly up. I'm not a perverted paedophile. I'm just a sweet kindly old man. Want some charms? They're for free if you keep your mouth shut.

Raye (approaching everyone): What are you doing, Grandpa?

Grandpa: Buying silence, Raye. It's what keeps my name out of the papers and this temple running.

Raye: Those aren't even the same girls, Grandpa!

Grandpa: Oh, they're not? Um, ignore everything I just said then.

Raye: You need to wear your glasses.

Grandpa: No, I don't!

Raye: Yes you do. You're even drawn to look near-sighted.

Serena (enamoured with Raye): Wow, she's really something.

From Serena's perspective, Grandpa is smiling characteristically wide-mouthed while the taller Raye is standing behind him, simultaneously frustrated with Grampa and annoyed with the three girls. She glares at Serena with one eye squinted in the still shot from Serena's perspective.

Serena: Almost makes me wanna study about temples and stuff!

Molly: Are you silly? She's such the bitch!

Serena: Nah. You think so? She looks way cool. Like the kinda girl that would love to cut class and wouldn't mind getting 25s on math tests.

In the meanwhile, the three girls are travelling down the steps of the temple talking amongst themselves. Deadmite is spying on them and prepares himself.

Deadmite: Enough wasting time. Let's activate those so-called charms.

Deadmite blinks, and then he gets this stressed out look on his face, bloodshot eyes and all. He has a crazy smile, in addition, and suddenly everything gets strange and hypnotic looking. The girls stop in their tracks and get weak. Raye freaks out.

Raye: There's an evil force here. I will not allow it! I must banish it!

She pulls a sacred scroll from out of the top of her kimono and manipulates her body in a combative way.

Serena: Wow, I wonder what else she stuffs in there.

Raye: How dare you!

Raye slaps the scroll onto Serena's face and she falls flat on her back, dizzy and visibly hurt. It occurs to Raye that she made a mistake. Grandpa smiles since, incidentally, Serena fell in such a position that makes the underside of her skirt visible for all to see.

Grandpa: Wow. I didn't even have to jeopardise my reputation for this peek.

Raye: Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry!

Grandpa: Leap first, ask questions later, huh? Looks like I'm not the only person in this family who needs glasses.

Raye: Shut up!

SCENE IV:

Inside the temple, in Raye's room, Serena lies in a bed, still unconscious, while Raye attempts to nurse her. Deadmite slides open the door and presents a tray of medicine.

Deadmite: Here are the bandages and things you need.

Raye: I didn't ask you for those yet, though. How come it is you always know what I need or what I'm doing, anyway? Are you following me?

Deadmite: Don't be silly. You're just imagining things. You must be putting too much spice in the rice balls that you eat before you undo your hair and climb into bed every night at 10:45 p.m.

Raye: Thanks, anyway. Off you go.

Deadmite: Have a pleasant, non-energy drained day.

Raye: Yah, right. Bye now.

Tuna notices Deadmite before he leaves.

Tuna (thinking): He looks familiar.

Molly: Wow, isn't he the cutest thing!

Serena (suddenly popping to consciousness): CUTE!? MALE!? HETEROSEXUAL CUTE MALE!? WHERE?!

Tuna (thinking): That was a quick recovery.

Molly: Who was that hunkiosaurus?

Raye: Hunkio-what? Where do you get this stuff?

Molly: Just tell me who he was, all right?

Raye: That's Mike. He's our new caretaker. He earns less than minimum wage and he's always snooping into my business. Frankly, I wish I was done with school so I could do everything myself since he's only here because Grandpa isn't as able as he used to be. He can't do much of anything besides look up young girls' dresses.

Molly: You can sure bust ass, though.

Raye: Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Are you sure nothing's broken?

Danieletta (whispering into Serena's ear): Say something is broken. You could get a really big cash settlement.

Serena: Ooh... Well, now that you mention it, I think you broke my brain.

Raye: Pfft. I didn't kick that hard, and even if I did, your brain was broken long before I got to it.

Serena: What?

Raye: Never mind. I'm really sorry for that, though. Sometimes I get these visions in my head of evil. Usually it's just Mike watching me sleep at night, but this time I was way off.

Molly: Could it be the marijuana in your rice balls?

Raye: What marijuana!?

Molly: Just asking.

Tuna stares at Raye, and suddenly wonders about her.

Tuna (thinking): I'm getting an interesting feeling about this girl.

An irked woman angrily slides open Raye's door.

Mother: There you are, you little spook!

Raye: Huh?

Mother: Where's my daughter? She came to this evil house of mystery trying to get some good luck charms and she never came back since!

Raye: It's only been fifteen minutes.

Mother: Oh, well, I'm worried anyway. You know, I know what's going on here. She buys those magic condoms and the only thing magical about them is they don't work. I bet she's pregnant with some young scoundrel's bastard child and she's just too ashamed to come out and tell me and it's all your fault. Well, it's not gonna happen again. Where is she??

Raye: There is nothing wrong with our condoms! And furthermore, I'm sick and tired of ill-mannered people like you constantly coming here asking about the people who only coincidentally disappear after coming here. We get lots of people and there aren't enough of us to keep tabs on all of them to make sure they get on the bus. So I suggest you talk to the police, and while you're at it, see a psychiatrist.

Mother: Hmmph! I've never been so insulted in all my life.

Raye: I'm going to ask nicely just once more. Please leave.

Tuna takes Serena aside and they discuss privately outside of the temple.

Tuna: You know, there's something strange about this place.

Serena: You say that about every place we go to. Call me crazy, but the Feats 'n Eats somehow doesn't sound like the hotbed for Segaverse activity.

Tuna: You are so naive.

Serena: I am not!

Tuna: Don't you wonder why it is that girl was so short with that woman? I think she has something to hide.

Serena: Yeah? Probably all that marijuana.

Tuna: I'M TALKING ABOUT EVIL SEGAVERSE BUSINESS.

Serena: Anyone ever tell you, you have a one-track mind?

Tuna: You should get Ami to help you check this out.

Serena: Oh, not her. It's bad enough I have to listen to you nag me.

Tuna: Do it, or I'll turn your skinny legs into scratching posts.

Serena: All right, fine. But when we get home, it's generic Kitty Chow for you.

SCENE V:

Serena has fetched Ami, and the two of them and Tuna wait at the bus stop. Serena notices the huge line of schoolgirls waiting for the bus.

Serena: Wow! Look at that! People!

Tuna (sarcastic): Wow, look at that, oxygen.

Serena raspberries Tuna.

Ami: Why is it all those girls have good luck charms and look like they're the walking dead?

Serena: Probably because they went into that girl's room and had some marijuana.

Tuna: ENOUGH with the marijuana!

Serena: If it isn't pot, I seriously want the charm they have. I'd be so totally wasted.

Ami: No offence, Serena, but you already look like you have several needles of heroin searing through your bloodstream. You have such a short attention sp…

Serena: I just daydream a lot, that's all. Ooh, about ice cream, and video games...and ooh, Tuxedo Trash, and that hunk-a-roo Andrew.

Serena gets this stupidly lovelorn smile on her face and begins to see images of Andrew and Tuxedo Trash. When we fade back to reality, Ami stares at Serena with slight concern.

Ami: You know what you look like, Serena?

Serena: What?

Ami: A really horny 14 year old girl.

Serena: Guess you'll just have to live vicariously through me for a while.

Ami: There's the bus! It's the same number as the one that disappeared. The bus is approaching with the number 666 as the bus line and its destination in Japanese.

Serena: Well, in that case, it apparently did not disappear after all. Eh? We can go home now.

Tuna: There's probably more to it, you dummy. Try to get a good look at the bus.

Serena: The only thing I see amiss is that this bus is headed for Tokyo!

Tuna: Ahem. Try the driver, Serena.

Serena: It isn't polite to stare at people, Tuna.

Tuna: People, yes. Monsters from the Segaverse? No. Now shut up and look.

The bus comes to a stop in front of Serena and Ami. The doors open, and a creepy, skeletal looking woman with a pale facial complexion is revealed. She has two cigarettes going with one free hand. The schoolgirls board the bus.

Ami: All right, off you go, Serena.

Serena: What?? I'm not setting one foot on that bus!

Ami: Don't be chicken, Serena.

Serena: You get on the bus!

Ami: I'm not Sailor Moon, Serena.

The strange looking bus driver turns her head to Serena and speaks in a deep, raspy voice that reeks of years of tobacco use.

Bus Driver: All aboard, little girl.

Serena: AAAH!

Serena grabs onto the bus stop pole and begins to cry loudly.

Serena: Wlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh...

Ami: Oh, brother.

The bus doors close and the bus drives away.

Ami: So much for that opportunity. You can stop crying now, Serena. The opportunity to prove yourself a real super heroine is long gone.

Serena: Waaaaaaaaahhh...

Tuna: Serena, why are you such a wimp?

Serena: I'm not! I'm just afraid and I don't have any courage!

Serena interrupts her bawling to notice the bus levitate, fly diagonally and get sucked into a huge black vortex. The vortex closes.

Serena: Holy cow! It disappeared into a vortex!

Ami: You know, if they were going to do something that strange, they could at least wait until no one is present to see it.

SCENE VI:

Crowds of schoolgirls are unconscious on the bus. The only thing that can be seen outside the windows is a blue nebula. The bus driver is walking around the bus surveying the status of the schoolgirls while holding a club. One of the conscious girls look at her.

Girl: Excuse me. I don't know what you're doing, but wouldn't it be easier to do some evil magic thing to knock us out instead of beating us in the head with a club?

Driver: No. Lights out.

The driver knocks the girl out with the club.

Driver: Ah. Now you are all asleep, and Deadmite's plan is becoming a tremendous success. Now I can waste all of your energy. Queen Bowel will be most pleased.

Suddenly, the bus's high beams were turned on, blinding anyone seeing the floating bus. Suddenly they were turned off again.

Driver: Oops, wrong button.

SCENE VII:

Two pigeons are eating stale bread crumbs from Raye's hand when footsteps running into the temple were heard with gasping.

Serena (off-screen): Raye! I'm so glad you're here.

Raye looks behind herself at Serena with Tuna.

Serena: All those... Uh, Raye that's really gross.

Raye: What is?

Serena: Those pigeons are swimming with bacteria.

The pigeons take offence and Tuna, standing behind Serena's ankles, ducks away.

Raye: As usual, you're talking to me and I am annoyed. Why is that?

Serena: Just shut up and listen to me. All those rumours about the ghost buses disappearing are true!!

Raye: Okay, where's the part where I'm supposed to be not annoyed anymore?

Serena: All the girls that were on that bus were harassed by your gramps so I figure…

Raye: What? He'd pay $350,000 to borrow a city bus for the day just to pimp them on the streets of Little Tokyo?

Serena: Well, that's not quite what I had in mind.

Raye: So what are you talking about?

Serena: You know the charms?

Raye: What those? That was Mike's stupid idea. He figured that we would be able to pay the gas bill for the spirit fire if we actually turned a profit instead of letting everybody use this place for free. (It's always money, money, money with that guy.)

Serena: I thought you spirit kooks raised your own fire. You use a stove?

Raye: Not me, but some of the other people who have their own well of fire to talk to do.

Serena: You need a real friend.

Raye: I didn't ask for your advice. And in anyway, we don't know anything about these busses. How's about you do what the other 1.1 million passengers do and call City Transit to register your complaint about the crappy service?

Serena: All right then FINE--I will.

Tuna (whispers): Uh, Serena?

Serena: Come on, Tuna. I have a very heated phone call to make.

Tuna tips her head over and bites Serena's leg.

Serena: OW! What was that for???

Tuna (whispering): We can talk later. I don't want Raye knowing I'm a magical talking cat, although I trust her enough to leave with her another magic stick of mine. Anyway, just focus, would you?

Serena: Oh, yeah. Um, see you!

Raye (harshly): Bye. And don't bother coming back, or I'll have my REALLY angry birds peck your eyes out!

On the ground, is a red pen with the Mars insignia in its cap and Raye picks it up.

Raye: Well, even though I despise littering, this is such a nice looking piece of art, I won't throw it at Serena the next time I see her.

Suddenly, some girls are giggling.

Ditz #1: Gee, I didn't know you were Tom Cruise's stunt-double in "Mission: Impossible!"

Mike: Definitely. That's how I know these good luck charms work.

Ditz #2: You better give me two then. I'm gonna need it with my... intriguingly extended girth.

Mike: *chuckles* You are so amusing with your euphemisms. Sure, here, have another.

Raye (looking at Mike): Hmmm--come to think of it, he's always lying to our customers about where he's been and who he's done, I would imagine he hasn't been too honest with us about the phone bill either. Better check out this guy.

SCENE VIII:

Steam is rolling out of the bathroom as Raye walks towards the shower and while standing on the shower mat, she's about to take off her bath towel while talking to herself.

Raye: Since the gas bill's been so high--I need to use firewood for the fire. Too bad we don't have any right now. I REALLY wish I could call on the spirits to figure out what evil has come into this temple. [short pause] Oh well!

Raye starts to untuck her towel when suddenly the rice-paper door is slid open by Mike in robes. She turns her head in shock.

Raye: Mike?! Goddamn it, how many times do I have to tell you not to follow me when I tell you I'm going to be changing or taking off my clothes.

Mike: I'm sorry, Raye; I just prepared some tea. I just thought that you would like some.

Raye: Does it look like I want to drink some tea? No it doesn't. Thank you, goodbye.

Mike (while the door is being slid shut): It has been a pleasure serving...

Raye: I don't trust that guy at all. His eyes are so cold and this is like the sixth time he's seen me naked!

SCENE IX:

At the bus stop in front of the temple…schoolgirls are lined up waiting to go home while Serena is knelt behind a wall next to Tuna, staking out the corner.

Serena: Wow, Tuna; this bus stop is packed! I'll never find a seat on this bus. I guess I should walk home instead.

Tuna: Nice one, Serena but this is this bus's first stop out of the division.

Serena: Tuna, do we have to come here everyday?

Tuna: Only until we get to the bottom of this.

Serena: Oh this is so stupid.

Tuna: That's what City Transit said when you left them that scathing voicemail on the phone!

Serena: Well how was I supposed to know they didn't know they had a line 666? I should be home doing my schoolwork instead.

Tuna: Like you would. At least this way, when you go home with some cuts and bruises, your parents will believe you when you say you had a good reason for not doing your homework.

Serena: Cuts? Bruises?

Tuna: Shhh! Here comes the bus.

The Bus is approaching and Serena starts screaming.

Tuna: Way to go to blow our cover, Serena!

Serena: I'm not getting on that bus, Tuna!

Tuna: But you've got to get on that bus!

Serena: I'm not getting on that bus, Tuna!

Tuna: But you've got to get on that bus!

Serena: I'm not getting on that bus, Tuna!

Tuna: But you've got to get on that bus!

Serena: I'm not getting on that bus, Tuna!

Tuna: But you've... Oh, this is getting stupid.

Serena: I'm not... Oh wait, yeah; you're right. How's about I use a disguise!

Tuna: Oh no! Every time you use that, our animation bill goes up another $400,000 to change your wardrobe!

Serena throws up her pen.

Serena: Disguise Power! Change me into a cocktail waitress or...SOMETHING!

After floating around the moon topless, she suddenly appears with lipstick on her mouth. Then, standing among the stars, Serena is wearing a truck stop diner waitresses uniform. On the apron, there's a stencilled-in name tag reading "Mary-Jo".

Serena: Woah, this skirt doesn't leave much to the imagination.

Tuna: I'll say. It'll take the animators hours to figure out how we're not going to see your bits.

Serena: Wait a minute, how is that any different from the costume I cavort around slicing monsters with a Frisbee in?

Tuna: Strategic camera work, I guess.

Serena: Come ON, Tuna--let's get on that bus before it drives off.

Serena jumps on the bus and looks at everyone onboard looking dull, lifeless, ugly, full of depression with no hope, completely miserable and in lots of pain.

Serena: Jesus Christ! The Segaverse really beat the hell outta these people!

Tuna: Serena, this is the wrong bus! The one we're looking for is across the street.

The passengers that were on their bus were not affected by the Segaverse at all and were just the regular passengers. Outside this bus, we pan over to the right rapidly to depict the real bus they're supposed to be on. On the right bus--Serena's high heels land on the bus and she looks at all the schoolgirls hunched over in their seats, unconscious.

Serena: And the scary part is, I don't see the difference.

Tuna: It's like a time machine on fast-forward in here.

Serena turns to the laughing bus driver.

Serena: You, stop this bus!

Driver: We're not even moving.

Serena: Oh. Well, let these girls go!

Driver: You didn't signal to stop.

Serena: Mmmgh! You're making this VERY difficult.

Suddenly, the door closes and a foot jams the gas pedal; Serena suddenly falls on her back from the bus abruptly accelerating to 90 miles per hour. The tires fly off the pavement as the bus shoots into the sky like a shooting star…or the footage being fast-forwarded. On the floor of the bus, Tuna hangs on by her claws while Serena bounces off the floor. After prying herself up, she looks at the driver.

Serena: You are going to be in so much trouble when I write down your badge number and call City Transit!

Tuna: ENOUGH with leaving harassing messages for City Transit!

They see the black hole in the sky open up as a dark shadow is cast on Serena and Tuna.

Tuna & Serena: AHHH!!!

Ami is running down the pavement after the bus and looks at one speeding away.

Ami: Oh no, now I'm going to be late for that Arithmetic Rodeo!

Phill: Look behind you, sweetie.

Ami turns around and looks into the sky.

Ami: Oh... my.

The bus completely vanishes into the vortex and the hole closes up. Ami can only watch, distraught.

Ami: Oh no! I'll never hear Serena's sweet, irresponsible, whiney voice again!

SCENE X:

Raye is sitting in her room again, perched in front of the well of fire she reads.

Raye: All right, fire. I've turned the pilot up and you're now at least 200 degrees. You'd better give me some answers now. Another bus disappeared and this is really beginning to freak me out.

The fire begins to display a picture of Deadmite, smiling wickedly.

Raye: Mike!

Raye opens the doors of Mike's room very suddenly, and Mike is apparently nude. We see him from the back.

Raye: Mike!

Mike: Hey!

Raye: Ew!

Mike: Don't you ever knock?

Raye: I could ask you the same thing. Put something on.

Mike grabs a kimono quickly.

Raye: What's going on here?

Mike: I don't know what you're talking about.

Raye: That won't work with me. I'm not a stupid girl like the rest of the girls you pawn your cheap jewellery to. I know you're behind the buses disappearing, and I now understand why it is those cookies I ate last week made me sick and nearly put me into a coma. So admit it! You're guilty!

Mike: All right, I'm guilty. Am I turning you on?

Raye: No! And why aren't you dressed yet?

Mike changes into Deadmite and is in his General outfit.

Deadmite: Now I am. Do you like what you see?

Raye: (gasp!)

Deadmite: Since you won't get on the bus, I'll have to dispose of you some other way.

Raye: What?

Deadmite opens the same black hole that sucked up the bus, and Raye is sucked into it.

Raye: Aaaaah!!

Deadmite: Ha ha ha ha.

SCENE XI:

In blue space, transit buses are just floating around in zero-gravity when suddenly, on one of the buses, the doors open up and Serena with Tuna are thrown into the sand.

Tuna & Serena: Waaaaaaah!!! OUGH!

Driver: Next time, pay the fare!

Tuna: Serena, they must have half the transit fleet in here!

Serena: No wonder they're always late.

Tuna: Serena look!

The driver flies out of the emergency hatch on the roof of the bus with Raye in her arms before landing on the ground. Smoke begins to rise from the driver's body before layers of itself fall off to reveal a monster.

Serena: As frightening as that is, some drivers don't have to shed skin to look this bad.

Tuna: She's got Raye, Serena!

Serena: Oh no! Tuna! What are we gonna do?

Tuna: What do you think?

Serena: Oh right... Goon Gizmo Power!

"The Music" begins as Serena throws up her hand. Her fingernail polish begins to glow, causing the pigmentation of her hand to fade as it became replaced by a blend of colours flowing constantly. Her eyes open as her now nude body spins around through the alter-dimension; the locket on her chest projects glowing dark pink ribbon as it ties around her body to become a special body suit and bow with a sailor flap on the back. Serena brings her arms above her head crossed at the wrists. Dark pink ribbon wraps around her arms until it becomes taught and turns into gloves. To her feet, more dark pink ribbon become her boots as she spins through the air with her knee in the air after her skirt is formed. Her tiara is affixed around her forehead and two red balls appear in the two balls on the left and right side of her hair. She finally strikes a pose with a crescent moon appearing behind herself.

Sailor Goon: I am Sailor Goon!

Bus Beast: Oh, so you think you can ride the bus for free, eh!?

While Bus Beast was holding onto Raye with its arm, she was straining to get free while the Mars insignia on her forehead was glowing.

Tuna: What luck! She's with Mars!

Sailor Goon (continuing her speech): ...triumph over evil, and that means you!

Sailor Goon takes off her tiara by the centre jewel and holds it to the side before it becomes a yellow glowing disk.

Sailor Goon: Goon Tiara...Magic!!

Sailor Goon uses her thumb and index finger to toss the tiara, spinning so fast it's glowing. The glowing tiara Frisbee flies ahead and Bus Beast just jumps over the tiara.

Sailor Goon: Oh crap.

Suddenly, pigeons fly out of nowhere and start pecking at Bus Beasts' head, allowing Raye to escape. Meanwhile, the tiara just spins out of control before Bus Beast catches it.

Bus Beast: How do you ever expect to defeat me with these lousy special effects?

Sailor Goon: Tiara, trap her!

The tiara expands into a huge ring that pins Bus Beast's arms to its sides. Meanwhile, Raye is gasping for air while Sailor Goon and Tuna are standing around watching.

Sailor Goon: Hey, are you all right?

Raye (gasping): What is with people asking me stupid questions today?

Tuna: Raye, do you still have that red stick you found?

Raye: Making fun of my voice will only buy you a bigger can of whoop-ass for me to open up on you when we get out of here.

Tuna: It's me, Tuna the Cat speaking to you.

Raye: What?

Tuna: I'll explain it to you later. If you've got that pen still, please get it!

Raye digs inside of her kimono and pulls out the pen and Sailor Goon is surprised again.

Sailor Goon: Man, no wonder your bra's so big! You've got, just, like, truck-loads of stuff in there!

Raye: Why you…!

Tuna: Just shout Mars Power!

Bus Beast squeezes out of the tiara around itself before forcing it to land somewhere else and Raye stands up.

Raye: I'm having a horrible day and this ugly bus driver isn't making it any better.

Tuna: Oh Raye, I forgot to tell you that when you transform, your clothes disa…

Raye cuts Tuna off and raises the stick. Suddenly, what once was a plastic gold and red coloured ink pen turns into a jewel-encrusted wand. The gold-coloured half is plated with 14k gold, and the red half is completely ruby. The Mars planetary emblem is surrounded by an oval circle of crushed diamonds.

Raye: Mars Power!

Rings of fire are released by the power of the stick, and the rings encircle Raye's nude, silhouetted body. She moves around with the rings, which get a bit close and they singe her hair and parts of her body. She screams suddenly, when the rings around her legs shrink and encircle her feet. We zoom in on her feet, which start hopping around because she can feel the heat from the rings of fire. They become empowered and cause red high-heeled pumps to appear on her feet. We pan up her body to see the other rings create a red-skirt sailor suit for her. She takes her pose, but then trips because of the high heels. Sailor Goon stars in awe of Sailor Mars with her mouth gaping open.

Sailor Goon: Wow! Raye is a Sailor Scout, too?

Sailor Mars: Unnn-believable.

Sailor Goon: Wow!

Sailor Mars: Will you close your mouth and stop staring at me?

Sailor Goon: Oh, sorry.

Bus Beast becomes very angry and cries out.

Sailor Mars: You picked the wrong person to toss around like a tennis ball. I'm going to make you sorry you ever drove a bus, you ugly pile of expired guacamole!

Bus Beast: Well, gee, you don't have to hurt my feelings.

Sailor Mars: I'm going to hurt a lot more than that!

A match magically appears in Sailor Mars' fingers, and she lights it and tosses it, chanting "Mars Matchfire Strike!" and it turns into a mediocre, but effective bon-fire. The fire encases Bus Beast in a flammable dome, and basically burns it up.

Bus Beast: Ugh!!!! For this kind of abuse I should be getting more than $6.50 an hour from City Transit!

Sailor Goon: What's with the hole?

Tuna: It's closing up!

Sailor Mars: What??

Tuna: If we don't get out of here, we're going to be stuck here for the rest of our lives.

Sailor Goon: Oh, no!! I'll have to start masturbating not just for personal enjoyment but just to keep my sanity!

Sailor Mars: Jeez. I know your secret about after-hour monster slaying in a short skirt, but that was way more than I needed to know.

Tuna: There are more important things at hand than self-gratification!

Sailor Mars: Nice choice of words, Tuna.

Tuna: We've got to get out of here, NOW!

Sailor Mars: Well, you're quick with telling people what we need to do. How the hell do we get out of here?

Tuna: Does it look like I know everything? I have no bloody idea!

Sailor Goon: Oh, God! We're toast!

Sailor Mars: Well, at least if we rot away and die here, I'm dragging your sorry bubble-headed body to hell with me.

SCENE XII:

At night, Ami is still in the city and a man walking by her stops to throw some change at her before walking away.

Ami: I probably shouldn't be kneeling on the sidewalk downtown.

Ami stands up and bows her head.

Ami: Please, in the name of Mercury…bring back my friends!

While Serena's crying and whining in the background like a siren, Sailor Mars has her hands up against her head's ears, looking agitatedly at Tuna.

Sailor Mars: Doesn't she have an off switch?

Tuna: I'm afraid not. I've looked!

Sailor Goon: *gasp* Look, that blue beam of light through the black hole! It looks like the Mercury insignia!

Tuna: Ami is using her powers to keep the portal from closing!

Tuxedo Trash is driving one of the buses tied up to the others behind it while waving at Sailor Goon, Mars and Tuna.

Tuxedo Trash: Hey girls, going my way?

Sailor Goon: Oh, it's the totally ripped, hot Mega Stud Tuxedo Trash to the rescue!

Tuna: I'm not paying for the dry-cleaning on your uniform's bodysuit if you should happen to wet it with all of this fawning.

Sailor Mars: Hey, if this guy was always around, why didn't he show up before?

Tuna: Eh, it's in his contract.

Sailor Mars: Where?

Tuna: Mm, some where in the back.

The three of them run after the beam of light as the buses flow back through the hole in the sky. Ami is looking into the day sky happy and then suddenly confused.

Ami: Wait a minute--first it's day, then it's night and now it's day again? What gives?

Deadmite watches as the buses are driven back into the city as Ami waves to the Sailor Scouts with Tuna on Tuxedo Trash's bus.

Deadmite: There isn't anything more obvious than a bus. Except maybe a Lear jet. I should have known even these simpletons would have busted me. And now there's ANOTHER scout. No matter, all the more girls for me to exploit in my exploits... Next time.

SCENE XIII:

Sailor Goon hugs Ami. All is well again. Tuxedo Trash looks at the girls.

Tuxedo Trash: Well, my work here is done. I don't need to put up this macho act anymore. Now I can get home and have a cheeseburger and go to sleep.

Sailor Goon notices the driver seat of the bus that rescued them, which is now empty.

Sailor Goon: Where'd he go?

Sailor Mars: Gee, he ran faster than a roadrunner with its rear on fire.

Sailor Goon: And just why are you so interested in the whereabouts of Tuxedo Trash's rear end?

Sailor Mars: What are you talking about? I don't care about the guy, okay? As a matter of fact, I'm a bit teed off that he waited so long to rescue us when I was on the verge of spending the rest of my life trapped with someone as dense as you.

Sailor Goon: But you still have the hots for Tuxedo Trash, don't you? Admit it!

Sailor Mars: Hey, listen, he's yours, okay?

Sailor Goon: Good.

Sailor Mars: Although, I have to wonder, if he liked you so much, he might've stuck around. In fact, it looked to me like he had trouble even remembering your name.

Sailor Goon: That's not true!

Sailor Mars: I bet you mean so little to him that he probably was asleep before he figured out that something might be wrong which is why he was so late. Or maybe he just doesn't like being around you like any normal person who values their sense of hearing.

Sailor Goon: No! It's not true! It's all lies! Wlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

Sailor Mars excuses herself from the scene as Sailor Goon continues wailing.

THE END