Phill. Enterprises Presents:

Sailor Goon

"The Horror of Cookies & Cream Land"

Parody of, "Nightmare in Dreamland"

SCENE I:

At Ami's house, Tuna, Raye, Serena and Ami have decided to spend time together. In Ami's room, Ami reads a book with Tuna sitting next to her, and Serena and Raye sit around a table on the floor. Serena discovers a book and becomes ecstatic.

Serena: Ooh! It's the new Adult Section "Sailor Whee Does Hollywood"!

Raye: Hey! Give that back. I haven't finished it yet.

Serena: Should've read it sooner then, it's mine now.

Ami: Oh, boy. Tuna, get ready for another bicker-fest.

Raye: Gimme!

Serena: No! You can't have it!

Raye: Urgh! Don't make me bite you again.

Tuna: Will you stop it?

Serena: Ow! Don't pull at my hair!

Raye: Give it to me!

Serena: You certainly are violent over a trash novel.

Raye: Because I bought it with MY money!

Serena: God only knows where you got it.

Tuna rolls her eyes, and then outside, we see the entire house shake and we hear a loud crash.

Tuna: There. You're both hurt. Are you satisfied?

Serena: Ow! She did bite me! Wah!

Raye: Perhaps if you hadn't punched me in the stomach I wouldn't have had to!

Tuna: Grow up! Please!

Serena: But Raye started it.

Raye: Oh, please. Let's get out the violins.

Serena: You know how to play the violin?

Raye: Nitwit.

Ami: At great personal risk of injury, I thought I'd might suggest we actually go somewhere and do something before one of us ends up going to the emergency room.

Tuna: Where do you want to go?

Ami: This new amusement park called Cookies & Cream Land. They opened last week.

Serena: Wait a minute. What about my homework?

Ami: I've already gotten you ten chapters ahead.

Serena: Oh cool, then you can come, too.

Ami: Mm, yes...

Tuna: Sounds fascinating.

Ami: Unfortunately they keep having the same problems.

Serena: Oh, like what? The rides look totally cool!

Ami: People keep flying out of the roller-coaster ride because the lap belt doesn't go low enough. It also says here that everyone who visits has to sign an affidavit stipulating that nothing there is affiliated with "Disneyland," and everyone must swear by an oath that no one will ever remark "Say, this ride is a lot like the one at Disneyland."

Raye: What about the disappearing people?

Ami: How'd you know about that?

Raye: I'm a bit psychic.

Serena: Freak.

Raye: Bimbo!

Ami: Okay, don't start up again. Otherwise both of you will have to do MY homework for a month. And I'm on the honor roll.

Raye: Okay. We'll behave.

Serena: ...for now.

Ami: Five minutes is all I ask.

Tuna: Don't you like doing your own homework and learning, Ami?

Ami: Oh, for God sakes, Tuna, it's an empty threat.

Tuna: Oh.

Ami: Anyway, yes, people *are* disappearing. That's part of the other trouble they're having. Two mothers are suing because they suspected that their children were locked in an underground dungeon after getting into accidents during a ride.

Serena: An underground dungeon? Wow.

Raye: Are you kidding me, Serena? Exactly how dumb are you? It has to be the Segaverse.

Ami: Yes, that was what I was thinking, too.

SCENE II:

In Queen Bowel's Segaverse kingdom, Deadmite faces Queen Bowel about the third Sailor Scout. In front of Queen Bowel and Deadmite is a large projection of the three Sailor Scouts.

Queen Bowel: So, there's another Sailor brat I have to deal with?

Deadmite: Yes. I think Sailor Goon has some sort of multiplication device.

Queen Bowel: Fool.

Deadmite: Yes, I am a fool, my queen.

Queen Bowel: You're an incompetent dimwit.

Deadmite: Yes, I am an incompetent dimwit, my queen.

Queen Bowel: Do you really think that or are you just saying that?

Deadmite: I truly believe it with all my being. Years of having the pleasure of serving you have singed away any molecule of self-esteem I might've ever had.

Queen Bowel: Mm, good. But tell me, insect, why should I keep letting you fail over and over again?

Deadmite: Because this time I have a plan that will not fail you.

Queen Bowel: Oh? Let's hear it.

Deadmite: I've subtly attacked an amusement park. People are constantly wasting energy on those rides. Not only have I fixed it so the rides are all almost entirely unsafe, I've created such a potential death trap that while the people will survive, everyone who visits will have an exaggerated level of adrenaline after their visit. Then I can kidnap them and beat them and take their energy.

Queen Bowel: This plan sounds a bit, well, how can I say this... a blind man with a hearing aid would know what you're up to.

Deadmite: All right. I'll make it look like a normal amusement park, how about that?

Queen Bowel: Good. If you fail me, you know what the penalty will be.

Deadmite: Yes, my queen. My right nipple will be ripped off.

Queen Bowel: Yes. And another thing.

Deadmite: Yes, my queen?

Queen Bowel: Turn off those damned life-sized projections of the Sailor Scouts.

Deadmite: Yes, my queen; right away.

SCENE III:

At the amusement park, still people are apparently enjoying ice cream, the carousel and other rides while the bubble blowing machine pumps out soapy bubbles every color of the rainbow.

Meanwhile, a congregation of reporters are talking to a security guard at the entrance.

Reporter #1: Excuse me, sir? I have some questions about this park.

Deadmite (as guard): No, we're not Disneyland. Although we're unbelievably similar in quality and content, except we're better and different in every way.

Reporter #1: Well, that's not what I was going to ask. Our newspaper printed the other day that several children and parents were carried out on stretchers after their visit last week ended disastrously with them being flung approximately 85 MPH from the ferris wheel.

Deadmite: Oh, that fun little incident. Oh, we fixed that spring hours ago!

Reporter #3: (Only hours?)

Deadmite (con't): Besides, the kids all loved it. I believe their exact words were "Wee! I wanna go again!"

Reporter #1: Well, actually, the way witnesses told us, and the way we printed it, one child was quoted as saying, "Please. I wish I had actually died instead of having this broken back."

Deadmite: That was a filthy lie started by someone who had a better time at Disneyland and wanted to sabotage our business. Next.

Reporter #2: Do you conclude that this re-opening will have safer rides?

Deadmite: Oh, my yes. There will no longer be children catapulted from the rides, stabbing of single fathers in the joust role play game, drowning of young school girls down the whirlpool in our water park, and several other unintentional mishaps.

Reporter #3: What about the disappearing people? Isn't it true they're being led into your sugar house and being beaten and starved and drugged?

Deadmite (angry tone): NO! These are all vicious rumors. This is all just a very fun, happy, candy-filled house of whimsy overshadowed by puffy clouds and rainbows, all right? Now get lost!

Reporter #2: But the press conference isn't over yet!

Deadmite: It is now.

All of a sudden, a big crank scoops up the reporters and carries them away. In the back lot where the dumpsters are, the crane dumps the reporters on the dirt lot.

And while Serena, Ami and Raye are walking towards the entrance, they watch one of the photographers screaming obscenities at the security guard.

Raye: Stupid paparazzi.

Inside of the administrative building of Cookies & Cream Land, the guard is walking away and looks behind himself with an evil look.

Deadmite: Hah! With those construction vehicles I've got rented and parked out back--this plan will NEVER fail.

---

Meanwhile, a roller-coaster is in a loop before flying past some people who are watching a clown make balloon-animals. By accident, the head of a puppy he was making explodes and a baby starts crying. Elsewhere, Ami and Raye are walking together with Tuna.

Raye: So, Ami--where do you think we should start looking around for Segaverse activity?

Child: Aaaaaah!!!!

Ami looks behind herself at the girl flying backwards out of the merry-go-round.

Ami: Well, I'm not sure.

Raye: It's hard to concentrate with all this noise.

Ami (to herself): (I'm pretty sure those merry-go-rounds shouldn't turn that fast.) Yeah, I know...

Man (off-screen): OH, MY EYES!!

Ami: ...but I guess we should probably get on one of the rides to see what's really going on.

Tuna: Hey girls, how's about you split up to get a better idea of what happening?

Glass shatters right behind Ami and Raye as they walk past a display.

Raye: That sounds like a good idea, Tuna.

Ami: Hey! There's something not right!

Raye: What do you mean?

Suddenly a fountain of sparks spontaneously explodes somewhere over by the hot dog stand.

Ami: When is the last time you saw Serena?

Raye: Over by the merry-go-round, I think. There's so little going on around here, it's hard to keep track of what's going on.

Tuna: That doesn't make any sense.

Serena (off-screen): Yoohoo!

Ami and Raye surprisedly cock their heads over to see Serena riding a carousel horse.

Serena: Woo! This is fun! Say, it's going a bit fast...

Ami and Raye watch as the carousel spins out of control and moves far too fast, and the horse Serena's riding rocks up and down quickly and violently.

Serena: Aaah! I'm getting dizzy and my head hurts!

Ami: This place is an accident waiting to happen.

Raye: Leave it up to Serena to be the first moron of the three to get into trouble.

----------

The three girls sit on bench. Tuna talks to Serena about her actions.

Ami: Hm. This bench feels safe.

Tuna: Serena, what is your problem? We're supposed to be here investigating, not having fun.

Serena: Wasn't the point of this visit so we would keep from killing each other?

Ami: I'd hate to break it to you, Serena, but we could easily get killed fooling around here just as much as if we spent half an hour together.

Serena: What are you talking about? That ride was way cool.

Raye: Only because we rescued you in the nick of time.

Serena: I want to have fun!

Raye (mocking): "I want to have fun." Well, good for you. If you die falling down an elevator shaft in the haunted house, don't expect us to come looking for the body.

Serena stands up and starts to walk away before tripping over Raye's foot.

Serena: Oh, how mature. Sticking your foot out right in front of my legs.

Raye: Now why would I do that??

Serena: Don't give me that! If you were having fun like me, you wouldn't be so cranky.

Ami: That's what you said to me about getting laid.

Serena: Fun, laid, what's the diff... Uh oh.

In front of Serena is a drooling lion. Quite suddenly, its paw takes a swipe at her face and she jets up into midair before landing behind Raye's shoulders, grabbing onto her hair. Meanwhile, Ami is plastered against the bench while Tuna's fur is standing on end.

Lion: Hi.

Raye: What?

Serena: It can talk?

Ami: Either that, or the air conditioning has illegal drugs in it.

Fairy Princess: Don't be scared. It isn't a real lion. Only a robot.

Serena: Ohhhh!

Ami: A robot? Oh, that's great! Those never turn on their human masters and run amok in a bloody orgy of flesh eating terror.

Serena: Ooh, a toy!

Ami: Uh, wait a minute; is it housebroken?

Princess: Of course it is! All of our animals are!

The fairy princess begins to caress a giant cucumber lovingly when animals start piling out of the trees, bushes and from behind brick walls. A hand shoves a couple of dogs mating out into the open.

Serena: Look at them all... They're so cute!

Ami: Well, the half-bald rats aren't so nice looking but I must say this is impressive.

Raye: I'm getting a funky vibration from that fairy princess. Her perfume is also nauseating.

A grizzly bear suddenly picks up Serena by the back of her shirt with his teeth and flips her up onto his back. She looks at the bear and then hugs it.

Raye walks over and pulls Serena down off of the bear, to land on her bottom.

Serena: Ow! You dented my ass!

Raye: That's not all I'm gonna dent! (whispers) This girl's giving off creepy vibes. She may be the Segaverse goon who's snatching everybody here.

Serena: Her?

Fairy Princess gives a couple of rabbits some carrots to nibble before suddenly blue birds land on her hands and shoulders. Twinkling lights sparkle from her cheeks while her eyes jiggle.

Raye: Look at that evil.

Serena: You've been watching too many thrillers from the 1980s!

Raye: I'm just trying to keep us from getting butchered by a bunch of little small men in leprechaun outfits!

Ami looks at what's going on as Tuna licks down her fur.

Fairy Princess: Who wants candy?!

Serena stands up and raises her arm.

Serena: Me! I want a quadruple scoop sunday with vanilla pudding, melted chocolate and a cherry. Oh! And three milk shakes with a...

Fairy Princess: (Hey, take it easy, girl, you're payin' for this stuff.)

Serena: Oh.

Ami: Hey, what's with the castle?

Fair Princess: Oh, we're having a party soon and we need as many guests as we can attract. Sweets are tasty. People like tasty sweets. See how this all goes?

Serena: Oh my God, there must be like a jacuzzi of chocolate milk in there and a milk bath and a vanilla ice cream shower with a pudding pool. And more Jell-O shooters than a frat party!

SCENE IV:

The candy-cane rimmed doors of the castle opens up into pure darkness inside. And watching is Deadmite, looking at a swirling ball of white light symbolizing his energy collection system.

Deadmite: Once those slutty scouts walk through those doors, I'm going to give those girls something to dream about! Like never having crossed my path! Muhaha!

SCENE V:

Serena, Ami, Raye and Tuna are wandering around the park more. Serena slows down.

Serena: I'm sick of walking. I heard walking gives you wrinkles.

Tuna: That's preposterous.

Serena: Yeah, doesn't do much for my posterior either.

Tuna: We need to hit the other half of the park. So, let's split up. Serena, you go with Raye. I'll be with Ami.

Serena: What?? Did you decide that because you enjoy watching us on the verge of killing each other?

Tuna: I'm you girls' guardian, and if you drive me insane, the Segaverse will have no trouble blowing the three of you off.

Ami: Hey! What about me? I'm responsible.

Tuna: Yeah, that may be true, but those bubbles aren't going to do squat when some monster is regurgitating bowie knives at you.

Ami: Hm.

Serena: Sucks to be you, Ami.

Ami: (I'd say it sucks to be you more at this point.) Well, bye now!

Serena: Hey! You can't leave me!

Raye: Ami, wait! You don't know what I could do to her in 5 minutes time!

Ami and Tuna run off and disappear.

Raye: Well, come on, shake 'em. Don't dawdle.

Serena: Don't order me around!

Raye runs off, expecting Serena to follow suit.

SCENE VI:

Somewhere else in the park, the Fairy Princess is surrounded by a crowd of entranced children, smiling and patting everyone on the head. She suddenly yelps and jumps up, apparently because one little boy is underneath her gown and pinched her bottom. Serena and Raye are sitting on a bench, staring at her.

Serena: Can we go now?

Raye: No.

Serena: What about now?

Raye: Shut up!

The Fairy Princess sees Serena and Raye and glares and runs away while raising her dress slightly above the ground.

Raye: This is the third time she's ran away after seeing us.

Serena: People tend to be inspired to do that around you, ever notice that?

Raye: Let's go.

A little while later, they sit down on another bench and watch the Fairy Princess, who is again surrounded by a crowd of children.

Serena: Why do you suspect her, anyway?

Raye: I may have only been a Sailor Scout for a few weeks, but sometimes I have to wonder why you haven't caught on by now that the people who look nice almost always are evil.

Serena: That's insane.

Raye: Right. And you have absolutely nothing to worry about despite how many sworn enemies you have. You even thought that blood-written death threat you received in the mail last week was a love letter.

Serena: Well, at least I'm not a cynical little freak who thinks she's psychic!

A little robotic chipmunk hops into Serena's lap.

Serena: Aww! Hey, Raye, feel this. It's so soft and cuddly.

Raye: Get that robotically charged piece of roadkill away from me!

Serena: It is not roadkill!

The chipmunk begins to twitch and sparks fly out of it before it catches on fire.

Serena: Aaah!

Raye notices a child being saddled onto one of the robotic animals, a bear, and gets up and tries to stop the Fairy Princess. Meanwhile, Serena is freaking out over the flaming chipmunk.

Raye: Hey! Stop that!

Fairy Princess: Stop what?

Raye: Get that boy off that bear.

Fairy Princess: It's all right. They're all remote controlled, remember?

Raye: Yeah, right. And I suppose that chipmunk that's about to roast my friend over there is safe, too.

Fairy Princess (low tone): Who the hell do you think you are anyway?

Boy: Wlaaah! The Fairy Princess said a dirty word!

Fairy Princess: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, little boy. I'll compromise. You can ride a little later.

Raye: No he won't ride a little later!

Serena: Oh yes he will!

Raye: Huh? Serena? Aren't you supposed to be putting out a flaming chipmunk?

Serena: In fact, he'll ride right now.

Boy: Whee!

Raye: Thank you, for making an already difficult thing to do even tougher, Serena.

Serena: If you look like an idiot, that's not my fault.

Raye: Don't undermine me, Serena!

Serena puts the boy on top of the bear.

Serena: There. Have fun.

Raye: I said NO!

Raye gets the boy off of the bear.

Serena: You're crazy! He's getting on!

Raye: He's getting off!

Serena: Urgh!

Serena and Raye go back and forth putting him on and taking him off the bear. Their collision of wills is characterized by two lightning bolts soaring out of their heads and clashing with each other. The roller coaster goes through the loop again and moves onto a regular downward track. The track is not complete, however, and the roller coaster tumbles down a chasm, followed by screams and a crash. The shot returns to Serena and Raye's fight. Serena and Raye are literally tugging the child back and forth.

Serena: He's going!

Raye: No he's not!

Serena: Yes he is!

Boy: Please!! Stop!! I don't want to ride the bear anymore. I don't even like bears!

Serena: Oh, be quiet. This is none of your concern. Raye, let him go!

Raye: No!

Serena: Come on, Raye!

Raye: Let go, Serena!

The bolts on the roller coaster loop slide out and the loop falls apart. The mother of the boy discovers what Serena and Raye are doing and scolds them.

Mother: Get your hands off my little boy and find yourselves a boyfriend your own age.

Serena: Eep.

Raye: Urgh.

SCENE VII:

A tram shaped like a miniature train on tracks is rolling through a part of the park driven by a robot panda bear. They're in front of a roller coaster structure with incomplete tracks. A train of roller-coaster cars drives down off the end of the tracks before a huge dust cloud explodes.

Panda Driver: Pardon the delay. Due to an usually heavy passenger load, this train is operating below 4 miles per hour.

Serena: *giggles*

Raye: What are you laughing about? It's talking about us.

Serena: Don't be silly, Raye.

Raye: You're the one who's silly and lazy. We're too BIG to be on this damn train.

Serena: Oh please. With my trim physique, they have to be talking about you.

Raye: Thanks a lot.

Serena: Besides, this is a great way to check things out!

Suddenly, the wheels just stop and Serena is pushed face first into somebody wearing a green jacket (I wonder who that could be?).

Panda Driver: Sorry about the delay folks. The train jumped the rails because of the heavy weight. They'll be fixing the rails in a minute.

Serena: Ugh, nice brakes.

Dairenn: Do you mind?

Serena: Aren't you a little old for this? Or are you here cruising for chics? Or rather, chicklettes.

Dairenn: Oh, funny, Serena. It's too bad I have to keep running into your face. Even worse when your face runs into me.

Serena: What's that supposed to mean?

Dairenn: It means you're a little klutz who's so immature that this place fits you like a snug glove, Cheeseball head.

Raye: Ooh! Cheeseball head! What a sharp and hurtful name for her! Hehehe. How perfect.

Dairenn: I think it kind of fits, don't you?

Raye: Indeed!

Serena: HEY!

Raye: Oh, what?

Serena: Do not call me cheeseball head, or you will be very sorry! You are a pain in the ass, Dairenn. And if I had half the chance, I'd shave your head and go bowling with it. Sometimes I can't tell who pisses me off more, you or my so-called friend Raye. And furthermore, Dairenn, this train is going so slowly because you're such a big fat ass. So why don't you do me a favor and get out of my LIFE?!

Dairenn: I don't know why I ever bother talking to you.

Serena: Because you like to fraternize with jail bait?

Dairenn: Oorgh! [to himself] I don't care what Blondie Bimbo thinks, but I better go before the other girl finds out that Serena was right about me being here.

Serena: What was that?

Dairenn: Nothing.

Serena: Driver! Hurry up! We have a big fat ass that we need to get rid of because he's a big fat ass.

Announcer (voice-only): Attention! The Celebration of Candy and Tooth Decay will be underway in just two minutes.

Serena: Ooh! Driver! We want to get off now!

Panda Driver: Sorry. The train doesn't stop till we reach Candy Cane Lane, Rainbow Ranch, and The Cookies & Cream Lethargy Mental Institution and Prison Graveyard.

Serena: Nice way to end the tour. This sucks. I'm gonna miss the candy party. Damn it. This tram sucks.

Panda Driver (taking off costume head; gruff voice): Hey, listen, missy, I don't get paid enough to take this kind of lip. I get enough crap from my shrew of a wife back at home. So you're gonna ride quietly or I'm gonna throw you off.

Raye: Hey, Serena, don't you think that guy looks a bit like Tuxedo Trash? The back of their heads look almost identical.

Serena: Huh! Are you near-sighted? Tuxedo Trash is handsome, romantic, poetic and has buns of steel. Whereas, Dairenn is an ugly jerk, and he doesn't look a thing like Tuxedo Trash.

The train crashes into a wall.

Panda Driver: End of the line. Everybody off.

Serena: I thought you said this thing would go to Candy Cane Lane, Rainbow whatever and that graveyard?

Panda Driver: Yeah. This park sure will surprise ya.

SCENE VIII:

Raye and Serena are running around outside of the Candy Castle and they run into Tuna.

Tuna: You got Serena to run?

Raye: I had to hit her a couple of times.

Serena: That really hurt, Raye. Where is Ami?

Tuna: She went along inside the Candy Castle.

Serena: She didn't even wait for us? That pig!

Tuna: Doesn't it occur to you that she might be trying to investigate like you should have?

Serena: No way. She was just scamming you so she could get her hands on the goods.

Tuna: Sounds like something you would do, Serena.

Serena: I would never do anything sleazy like that! So, Luna...what do you say you guys investigate elsewhere, and I work vigilantly inside the Candy Castle?

Tuna: Why do you even bother, Serena? The face-full of chocolate will give you away.

Serena: Damn.

Raye: I sense a very strange force here.

Serena (looks at her): What are you babbling about, Raye? Can't you see me and Tuna here are having a very important conversation?

Inside of of the castle, a chocolate sundae fountain is in the center of the tile floor made of milk-chocolate squares with vanilla ice cream pouring into the milk pool below. Meanwhile, rows of tables with cakes, pies, cookies and other sugar-filled desserts are on Dixie(R) disposable plates. The punch bowl was filled with milk chocolate and beside each table was a bucket with a marker-written sign reading, "Rotted Teeth Here". A child ran up and spit one inside while running laughing back to the tables to join the other children eating away.

Children took plastic-wrapped candies by the fist-full and stuffed their mouths full while others took their hands to scoop up portions of cake and pies--ramming it into their mouths. Meanwhile, girls had their face in the punch bowl drinking the milk chocolate as boys faces were held underneath the nozzles for ice cream dispensers as they hung on the levers to let an endless flow of vanilla ice cream fill their mouths.

As the children ran about, the Fairy Princess looked at them back and forth.

Princess: Children, please try to play sanitarily.

A girl jumped into the pool of milk before dropping out of sight. Meanwhile, another girl walked up to the pool and started drinking as the one who jumped in surfaced and started swimming around.

Ami looked back and forth as well.

Ami (thinking): I think I'm going to throw up.

Guard (walking up to Ami): I'm sorry, you're going to have to eat something.

Kid: *shblegh*

Ami looks at kid continuously hurling over the side of a guard railing.

Ami: No, I've already eaten... [Looks around...] Half that sundae mountain over there.

Guard: Really?

Ami: Yes! It used to be TWICE as tall as that!

Guard: Well, okay, we have to check every five minutes on people just standing around looking nosy.

Ami: What?

Guard (curtly): Never mind, bygones.

While janitors drain the milk chocolate pool because of the vomit, stage curtains draw themselves apart, showing the Fairy Princess on stage.

Fairy Princess: Hello, everyone. I'm so glad you could make it to our party. Did you all enjoy the sweets?

In the crowd, everyone shows "YEAH!" including a boy on a stretcher being carried by two men in white.

Fairy Princess: Good! Sweet dreams.

Suddenly, out between her lips, she blows a green fog. Everyone in the crowd starts looking around, as if the smoke is special effects.

Fairy Princess: (Damn sugar rush. They're too high to get knocked out.)

Fairy Princess turns away for a moment and drinks a bottle of 'Elstinko Tequila' and exhales from between her lips again.

Ami: Woah. The last time I smelled that was when I was invited to that make-out party Serena invited me too!

The boys and girls start humming Amazing Grace.

Fairy Princess: Well, that's not exactly the effect I was looking for but, close enough... Now for the energy.

Again, the Fairy Princess begins to lovingly caress her magic cucumber as a yellow pinwheel of gas symbolizing energy begins to travel towards it.

Ami falls to her hands and knees and begins to gasp feverishly.

Ami: I... don't understand!

Desperately, she digs inside of her jacket pocket to read the ingredients of her chewing gum. Her eyes narrow in on the word "sugar."

Ami: *gasp* Oh no! I must have gotten this from the doorman!

Suddenly, an evil Court Jester at the front door starts laughing hysterically before slamming the doors closed to the outside world. The sound of the door slamming is echoed.

Ami: No! No escape! Oh, Raye was right about the Fairy Princess... *sigh*

Ami's head falls out of sight before a loud thud is heard.

On the floor, Ami's sprawled out on the white tile floor beneath the green fog.

---

Raye, looking determined as ever, is still looking at the front door with Serena standing right beside her.

Serena: Raye? Aren't you going to say something? We've been in these same exact positions for the entire duration of that last scene!

Raye: (I know, my back is killing me. Unfortunately, the animators didn't know what to do with us in all that time so we'll just assume that was a flash back in time and we just got here.)

Serena: (That's not what my feet say.)

Raye: Oh, something smelly is seeping out of the doors of the castle.

Serena: But it's a candy house! Nothing stinky is in a candy house.

Raye: I think the party's over.

Serena: Hey, how can the party be over when it never started? That pig Ami got to eat more than I did today.

Tuna: Let's just do SOMETHING. I'm tired of standing here like this. Don't forget. We haven't moved an INCH since the scene before this one!

Serena: Hold on a minute, Tuna. Ew, what is that? I think Raye was right. There is something really funky in there. It smells like a bunch of rotten fish and used sweat socks boiling in a pot of toejam.

Raye grabs at the door handles and pulls.

Serena: No! Raye! That's foul!

Raye: I don't care how rank it is. Anything that stank has to have taken out all the gullible morons who went in there to eat, and we have to save them.

Serena: Why? It's just that many less gullible morons in the world.

Tuna: If we hadn't threatened you so many times, you would've been the next gullible moron going into the stench.

Serena: Hey! You're coming dangerously close to offending me here.

Tuna: But I just... *shakes head* Never mind--just transform. Quickly? It'll be a long time before they'll be able to get the odor out of the curtains.

Raye: Mars Power!

Raye raises her transformation wand and the Mars planet sign emblem activates the transformation. Rings of fire are released by the power of the stick, and the rings encircle Raye's nude, silhouetted body. She moves around with the rings, which get a bit close and they singe her hair and parts of her body. She screams suddenly, when the rings around her legs shrink and encircle her feet. We zoom in on her feet, which start hopping around because she can feel the heat from the rings of fire. They become empowered and cause red high-heeled pumps to appear on her feet. We pan up her body to see the other rings create a red-skirt sailor suit for her. She takes her pose, but then trips because of the high heels.

Tuna: All right, Serena. Go on. Transform and make it snappy.

Serena: Hey! Don't order me around!

Serena: Moon Gizmo Power!

"The Music" begins as Serena throws up her hand. Her fingernail polish begins to glow, causing the pigmentation of her hand to fade as it became replaced by a blend of colors flowing constantly. Her eyes open as her now nude body spins around through the alter-dimension; the locket on her chest projects glowing dark pink ribbon as it ties around her body to become a special body suit and bow with a sailor flap on the back. Serena brings her arms above her head crossed at the wrists. Dark pink ribbon wraps around her arms until it becomes taught and turns into gloves. To her feet, more dark pink ribbon become her boots as she spins through the air with her knee in the air after her skirt is formed. Her tiara is affixed around her forehead and two red balls appear in the two balls on the left and right side of her hair. She finally strikes a pose with a crescent moon appearing behind herself.

A match magically appears in Sailor Mars' fingers, and she lights it and tosses it, chanting "Mars Matchfire Strike!" and it turns into a mediocre, but effective bonfire.

The bonfire rams itself into the doors until they explode, leaving a very large entrance for Sailor Mars and Sailor Goon.

Sailor Mars: Move your butt, now.

Sailor Goon: You won't HAVE a butt if you don't stop ordering me around!

---

Standing alone, Deadmite is holding out his hand receiving the energy Fairy Princess is collected.

Deadmite: Hmhmhmhmhm! Soon, all three Sailor Scouts will be mine! And then, I will destroy them.

---

As the Sailor Scouts run down the hallway, they fail to notice the engraved REDRUM in the walls when suddenly the Fairy Princess magically appears before them. They both stop and Sailor Goon catches her breath.

Sailor Goon: Oh, I'm so glad you're here! What's going on around here? First, we smelled something was like an elephant taking a dump in a vat of boiling tar; and then, the doors were locked so we had to...

Sailor Mars: Hasn't it occured to you that normal people don't materialize out of thin air?

Sailor Goon: She's magical!

Sailor Mars: Yeah right! And Santa Claus can make it to 250 million homes on Christmas Morning every year!

Sailor Goon: That is one very resourceful fat man.

Sailor Mars (resisting the urge to strangle her): ALL RIGHT, Princess. We know what you're up to!

Fairy Princess: No you don't.

Sailor Mars (takes a deep breath): Oh yeah..

Fairy Princess: Pleasant dreams.

All of a sudden, a fog of green smoke blows out of the Princess' mouth and the girls stand still for the fog of green to come their way. All of a sudden, they're in the middle of a nude beach and Tuna looks up at the girls.

Tuna: Beware, scouts--you're drunk on Tequila fumes.

Sailor Mars: No kidding, Tuna; you think we'd voluntarily go to this place?

A man is seen standing behind a bush looking at them while waving. Mars looks sharply behind herself at him.

Sailor Mars: What are you looking at, pervert?

Sailor Goon: Don't mind her, stud muffin. She just has a lot of pent-up sexual frustration.

Sailor Mars: What??

All of a sudden, the Fairy Princess lands gently on the ground from above somewhere and approaches Sailor Goon.

Fairy Princess: Welcome. We're naturists. You don't know who I am. Here, enjoy the environment. It's very relaxing. Take off that silly, protective uniform providing you with your powers.

Sailor Goon: Okay!

Sailor Mars: Wait a minute! One, that is an image I don't care to see, and two, you dummy, this is OBVIOUSLY a trick!

Sailor Goon (her skirt around her ankles): Oh? Oh yeah. [pulls it back up] I'm not as stupid as you think! I knew what you were up to!

Fairy Princess: Could you please continue undressing?

Sailor Goon: Okay.

Sailor Mars: Oh, God. I bet you'd like me to also.

Fairy Princess: Would you?

Sailor Mars: NO. S

ailor Goon (brainwash babble tone): You have to let go of the oppressive ideas our society, be free. Enjoy the wind across your...

*SMACK*

Sailor Mars: Stop before you completely humiliate yourself further. (As if that's possible.)

Fairy Princess: Sailor Goon, you hate her. Don't listen to her. You don't even know who she is.

Sailor Goon: Yes...

Sailor Mars: I don't believe this.

Fairy Princess: Here, where this peace necklace.

From behind the Princess' back, she holds the necklace with the brown peace logo at the end of it and Sailor Goon bends over to have it hung around her neck.

Sailor Mars: No!

She bats off the necklace but it hits the sand on the beach and turns into an electric shaver on an AC cord that suddenly leaps off the sand all by itself and chases after her.

Sailor Mars: YIKES!

Sailor Mars starts running away and she's chased by the shaver, pulling its endless cord through midair. Off-camera--she's repeatedly saying "No" and "Stop" as various rough buzzes are heard.

Sailor Goon: No!

In the sand, Sailor Mars is rolling around with the electric shaver's cord wrapped around her neck while the buzzing shaver keeps trying to go up her skirt.

Sailor Mars: Don't... make me... stick a fork... in you!

Between her knees, the shaver gets crushed before dropping on the sand and smoking.

Sailor Goon: Mars--the back of your hair.

Sailor Mars (turns around): What?

She feels the back of her head and touches her scalp.

Sailor Mars: Ooogh!!

Phill: Don't worry. Relax. It's all an illusion. Your hair will grow back as soon as you snap out of it. But try and act like you don't know this for at least a few more minutes.

Sailor Goon goes up to her and holds her by the shoulders.

Sailor Goon: Oh... You were right! There's a definite possibility she has something to do with this.

Sailor Mars: Wow, you're quick. Sailor Goon, your brain could find shelter in the shade of a snow pea.

Sailor Goon: Huh?

Fairy Princess: That's right. Soon, you'll all turn to solid stone, just like that solid stone right next to you.

Suddenly, Sailor Mars' knee becomes covered in wet clay.

Sailor Goon: Oh no! Wait a minute. That's not...

F/X Guy: Shhh! That's the best I could come up with on such short notice.

Sailor Mars: Oh brother. This couldn't get any cheesier.

More of her thigh gets covered in wet clay.

Sailor Mars: Maybe my stash from the temple will help...

Surrounded by fire in a dark setting, Mars is holding a strip of paper between her big eyes while her hair is flying upwards, the paper bearing Japanese-characters for "This Side Up" since it used to be a box-label.

Sailor Mars: I call upon the power of Mars! Help me use this Chinese Food cookie fortune to fight this evil!

The wet clay vanished when the suddenly erect box label/fortune cookie paper landed on her legs.

Tuna (looking up at Mars): I didn't know you could combine your civilian magic with your sailor powers?

Sailor Mars: Yeah, I guess I could've fought the Segaverse _without_ the degrading uniform after all.

Sailor Goon: Well, I've gotta admit, you've got some great legs.

Sailor Mars: You're really startin' to give me the creeps. But we've got to get out of this dream otherwise, I'll _never_ get away from you.

Fairy Princess: As you wish.

The princess was standing on the nude beach before the beach itself disappeared and the hallways of the castle came back. Then suddenly, the Fairy Princess looked ahead.

Fairy Princess: The princess you have called cannot be reached or is no longer in service. Please check your information and try your call again.

Sailor Goon & Mars: What??

The princess' head swells like a balloon on the end of an air pump before abruptly popping. Sailor Goon freaks out.

Sailor Mars: There goes the G rating...

Her dress was hovering over the floor with no feet on the floor while the dress itself began to spin, changing its color to red, white and blue like a barber's pole. Meanwhile, her torso and arms were turning in the opposite direction while the sound of a music box played "The Nutcracker".

Tuna: What the?

While the princess rotated, her clothes turned into a red and black dress and Sailor Goon's face was literally freeze framed, with it contorted.

Sailor Goon (non-animated dub-over): *ahem* Excuse me... Let's try and not economize on animation cels.

The fairy princess stopped spinning when her head came up like a screw being unscrewed. Her eyes rolled into place before its gears began to start winding up.

Demonic Princess (echoy voice): Hello, I'm your dream dolly. Would you like to play?

Sailor Goon: Would I!

Sailor Mars: Sailor Goon, what are you, on crack?

Sailor Goon: WHO TOL... Err, uhm. No! Of course not! But she is kinda cute, you have to admit.

Sailor Mars: Oh yeah. I've got lots of dolls that resemble Black Widow spiders in my bedroom. Just get on with it.

Sailor Goon (annoyed): Oh, all right! This dream is over and the jig is up. We know who you are, and what you're up to.

Demonic Princess: No, you still don't.

Sailor Goon: Damn it!

Sailor Mars: I'll handle this. Either you come clean or we'll take you apart with a screw driver.

Sailor Goon: Well, we have some vague idea of what's going on, and therefore, we're going to do something about it. Furthermore...

Sailor Mars: Want me to blast her block off?

Sailor Goon: No, I can take this one.

Sailor Mars: Well shut up and get on with it.

Sailor Goon: No, we still have a few more pieces of stock footage to use up.

Sailor Goon speaks while doing her typical arm gestures for "I'll punish you, etc."

Sailor Goon: In the name of whatever planet I represent, I'll kick your booty!

Sailor Mars: Booty!?

Sailor Goon: It's all I could think of.

Sailor Mars: This isn't a porno, Sailor Goon.

Sailor Goon: It isn't!? Then why am I constantly wearing this sexy skirt and floating naked in every episode?

Demonic Princess: I'm not telling you anything, Miss Moon.

Sailor Goon: Hey! Do I look like some brit who takes care of a psychiatrist's dad to you??

Sailor Mars: Huh?

Demonic Princess: Nighty night, Sailors.

Demonic Princess turns around, and chugs down "Stinky Le Yecch Gin & Tonic" and blows a vile fog towards the Sailors.

Sailor Mars: Oh, not again. I don't have the sanity to keep Sailor Goon for falling for yet another obvious trick.

Sailor Goon: Ew! This stinks even worse than the last fog of air pollution we endured. It almost smells like blended rotten eggs and expired oranges poured over a freshly used kitty litter box.

Tuna: I still remember that little accident you had, Sailor Goon.

Sailor Goon: How was I supposed to know eggs and oranges don't mix?

Suddenly, the scenery changes again.

Tuna: Careful, girls. Either this is another trick, or the stench was so powerful that we're in a specific hallucinogenic trance.

Sailor Goon: Me?? In a trance? Never happens.

Sailor Mars: I'm not gonna say it.

Sailor Goon: Good, because I'm the brave one here. I didn't leave it all up to Mars, see?

Sailor Mars: Yeah, and the sun would have exploded by the time you figure out what's going on.

Sailor Goon: What's that supposed to mean! Are you trying to say I'm slow?? Hey, what happened to the scenery?

The changed scenery, evidently, is nothing but incompletely drawn trees and faint pink paint.

Sailor Goon: The animators seem to be on a shoe-string tight budget t'day. What happened to the rest of...EEYEEYEE!!

Sailor Goon notices that Sailor Mars' body is missing from the neck down.

Sailor Goon: Geez...

Sailor Goon runs up to Mars with a pencil and draws her back in, except it ends up looking like rectangles with crookedly drawn clothes on them.

Tuna: That would explain all of these unnecessary tight shots of our faces.

Sailor Goon: Somebody's coming! Oh, I'm scared!

Sailor Mars: Hmm...

Tuna: Remember, girls...it's all a dream.

Sailor Mars nods. Through the fog comes a carriage being pulled by ten horses which are charging very, very quickly. They stampede over Sailor Goon, and out of the carriage jumps Tuxedo Trash, who embraces Sailor Mars and kisses her.

Tuna: Rrwr??

Sailor Mars: Oh! Tuxedo Trash! You killed Sailor Goon!

Tuxedo Trash: No I didn't.

Sailor Mars (dreamily): Indirectly you did. Kiss me baby! Breed my children!

Tuna: Hold it!

Sailor Goon gets up.

Sailor Goon: Lucky for me this is all a dream and those horses only weighed 2 pounds each. Get your mits off my man!

Sailor Mars: Dream your own Tuxedo Trash.

Tuna: Will you two please focus!

Sailor Goon: I'm all focused. On a certain hunk-a-roos buns.

Tuxedo Trash: You girls really turn me on. (Ugh, [out-of-character], this is what I get for agreeing to over-time dubbing sessions.)

Tuxedo Trash grabs Sailor Goon and Sailor Mars by the throats and flings them onto one of his personal horses which is about 60 feet away.

Sailor Goon+Mars: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Oof!

They land on the horse's back.

Sailor Goon: How romantic.

Tuxedo Trash hops onto the horse's back.

Tuxedo Trash: Wanna go for a ride?

Sailor Goon: Ooh! Yeah!

Tuna: He sure is taking them for a ride, that's for sure.

Tuxedo Trash makes the horse go much too fast, and Sailor Goon and Sailor Mars fall off the horse and hang on by the horse's tail while being dragged across the ground at 15MPH.

Sailor Mars: Aaagh! Somehow I don't think I'm enjoying this dream too much.

Suddenly, they're all riding on a carousel, from the park, natch.

Sailor Mars: Uhm, how did we get here and why aren't we dirty anymore? Sailor Goon: Who cares! This carousel is fun!

Demonic Princess starts talking into her cucumber which has now become a walkie talkie device.

Demonic Princess: All right, Figment of One's Imagination Number Fourteen, I have them where I want them. Now beat them and tear them into several pieces.

"Tuxedo Trash": Don't you think that'd be a bit uncool?

Demonic Princess: I don't really give a flying--

"Tuxedo Trash": All right, all right.

A cigarette butt tears through the scene, apparently through the carousel and the fake Tuxedo Trash falls off the carousel horse and onto the ground.

"Tuxedo Trash": Ow! Damn. I really don't get paid enough for this sort of stunt work.

The carousel collapses while Sailor Goon and Sailor Mars are still riding it.

Sailor Goon+Mars: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!!

Tuna: Oh no!

Tuxedo Trash: Hm. I wasn't going for that particular effect. Oh well.

The illusion ends and the carousel disappears, as does the fake Tuxedo Trash. The rubble and debris on top of Sailor Goon and Sailor Mars disappears.

Sailor Goon: Ugh. You'd think with this little nightmare ending our cuts and bruises would vanish as well.

Tuxedo Trash: Sailor Scouts! Snap out of it!

Demonic Princess: You were not invited! This is a private engagement, and is none of your concern.

Tuxedo Trash: Yeah, right it isn't. Sailor Scouts, quit bickering and finish her off already. Farewell.

Sailor Goon: Not particularly poetic.

Sailor Mars: We have to find Ami.

Through the crowds of unconscious people spilled all over the ground, Ami wakes up.

Ami: Ugh. I certainly hope I'm not 78 and still doing Serena's homework.

Sailor Goon: Ami! You're up!

Sailor Mars: How come you woke up and everyone else didn't?

Ami: I guess 'cause I just had a piece of chewing gum and spit it out after three chews. That particular brand's flavor fades rather quickly. Everyone else was nauseatingly gluttonous.

Sailor Goon: Yeah. I could tell by all the vomit on the floor.

Sailor Mars: We need Sailor Mercury, now!

Ami: Oh, sure. Give me no time to figure out what's going on or recuperate or anything... S

ailor Goon: Sorry, Ami. But we really have to make it quick and wrap this up.

Sailor Mars (checking wrist-watch not there before): Yeah, we're running a little long on this one.

Ami: All right.

Ami: Mercury-Jerkury Power!

Amy raises her Pen and inside the blue ball on the pen, the Mercury sign flips around and around and moves closer and closer to the screen until it disappears. The pen begins to produce glittery blue ribbon which a nude Amy spreads around. Amy gets wrapped up in the glittery ribbon. It becomes a body suit, just like Sailor Goon's (with a blue bow), and then a blue skirt is formed around her waist. Amy finally makes a final pose.

Fairy Princess: That music. For some reason I feel like I'm not going to live much longer.

Sailor Mercury: That's right! This is no joke.

Sailor Goon trips over her own pig-tail stepping forward.

Sailor Goon: Ow! Wah!

Sailor Mercury: Oh for God sakes, Sailor Goon. I'm trying to make us look like serious business.

Sailor Mars: It's impossible with her, trust me.

Sailor Mercury: You ready, everybody?

Sailor Goon takes a breath but then...

Sailor Mercury: Mercury Jercury Bubbles...

The blue-clad sailor scout flies backwards surrounded by red roses and pink hearts, as if this couldn't get any more sexist, with her arms crossed over her chest, protectively.

Sailor Mercury: Blast!!

She flings her arms out as bubbles come flying out from behind her waist.

The demonic Princess is suddenly surrounded by a smokescreen of fog.

Demonic Princess: You mean it is possible to create a powerful fog without drinking cheap scotch?

Sailor Mars (sarcastic): Sweet dreams, Princess!

Sailor Mars appears unexpectedly through the fog gliding downward in the air behind Demonic Princess. She attacks Demonic Princess with another one of those magic paper scrolls of hers.

Demonic Princess: This adhesive. I...can't...get it off. I can't...even...move.

Sailor Goon: We're going to give you nightmares, Fairy Princess. I don't like being jerked around by cute Disney characters.

Demonic Princess: I'm not from Disney, damn it!

Sailor Goon: Whatever. It's all over for you.

Sailor Goon: Goon Tiara...

Sailor Goon uses her thumb and index finger to toss the tiara, spinning so fast it's glowing.

Sailor Mars: Mars Matchfire...

Sailor Goon: Magic!

Sailor Mars: Strike!

A match magically appears in Sailor Mars' fingers, and she lights it and tosses it, chanting "Mars Matchfire Strike!" and it turns into a mediocre, but effective bonfire.

Demonic Princess: I shouldn't have left Disneyland.

Demonic Princess is double-whammy destroyed by the fiery tiara.

---

Standing in the blackness, Deadmite was holding the ball of fuzzy white light with fuzzy white lines of light waving towards it.

Deadmite: I wish that stupid Fairy would hurry up and finish her mission. I can't go to the bathroom without dropping this ball of energy! WAH?

Suddenly, the ball fizzles out.

Deadmite: God...DAMN it. Queen Bowel is going to deep fat fry my nads for this.

In the amusement park, the gingerbread castle is reduced to cookie crumbs and vacuumed into the sky. It returns to its former self: "THE DREAM CASTLE. (In Celebration of Reasonable Food Portions and Sensible Eating.)"

SCENE IX:

In the half drawn amusement park--Raye, Serena and Ami are walking together while Tuna rode in Ami's arms.

Tuna: Well, I'm sure glad we got rid of that Fairy Princess, girls. She had pretty dreadful breath.

Ami: I know, it was like she had eaten raw garlic for breakfast and drank a bottle of milk left behind the furnace for six weeks.

Tuna: See what you girls can do when you're not busy standing around cracking jokes?

Serena: Hey, lighten up, Tuna. If it weren't for that, this story wouldn't be funny and the readers might as well go watch the original episode.

Raye: Even the original episode isn't the original episode.

Serena: What on Earth are you talking about? There is no reason why anybody would think this show isn't original.

Serena's mouth keeps moving after her lines are finished.

Raye: Oh please. You're such a cheeseball head, you didn't even notice the rest of your ass wasn't colored in the last scene!

Serena: DON'T call me cheeseball head!!

Raye: Oh, okay. . . [suddenly...] Cheeseball head!

Raye bolts and Serena looks at her.

Serena: Prepare to DIE, psycho!

Serena ran after Raye and out of the scene.

Tuna (after looking at Serena run off): I wonder how we got in without paying admission?

Ami: Or telling our parents where we were all day?

Tuna: We don't even know anybody's parents except for Serena's.

Ami: I haven't seen mine since I got on this show!

Tuna: Let's go home without them and see if they can't take a joke.

Ami: What if they kill each other?

Tuna: Well then I'll give their powers to someone else.

Ami: Er, okay.

THE END