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Mustache Mania
March 22th 2000
Twentieth Edition
Well folks, Yeah I know it's about time I put out another issue of MM so here it is. Just a few notes before reading on, there have been a few changes and additions to MM that I would like to make a regular feature. well I know you are dying with suspense to find out all the jammed pack fun stuff in here so have fun!
Adventures of Mustache Man...
It had have have happened one the day I was in a hurry to get to my grandma's birthday party. I was already running late because my alarm clock didn't go off...again. Anyways I was about to put on my disguise for the day when I heard a loud bang out side. I ran to the window where I saw a young fellow shooting bottle rockets of aiming at the old lady's house across the street. I zipped in to my Mustache Man uniform and flew out to discuss proper pyrotechnic procedure. When I got out there the young lad says "Hey...aren't you Mustache Man?" I replied with "yeah I sure am, who are you?"
"Frat boy" the young man announced "I am here to destroy you and all you stand for, I am the stereotypical young male hooligan" he continued.
"Well then I must set you straight and teach you the ways of a do-gooder" I replied in a stern tone.
"No you I am too powerful! there is now way your special power could beat mine!" he exclaimed.
I looked at him like he was some kind of clueless freak until he pulled out his k-mart special power gun, yeah the one with 8 different sound effects and the flashing lights. He started pulling the trigger, starting of slow then repeated it getting faster and faster. The sound was annoying me, the hi-pitched beeps piercing my ear drums, I couldn't take it. Just then he pulled out another one, he had 2 going at the same time, he paused for a second stating that he still has more and extra batteries. I thought I was doomed!
"Is this the end of Mustache Man?" I thought to myself. Hell I can't be done in this way, not by some punk Frat Boy. I had to do something, I was starting to collapse to my knees with my hand covering my ears, but it did not good. What was I going to do? Suddenly I remembered I had a nude picture of my love, Jennifer Love Hewitt in my pocket that i took the week before. I quickly pulled it out and held it up for him to see. He took one look at the picture and he dropped his guns to the ground. That's when I stood up kicked him in the ass and said "PISS OFF!" I then took his guns, put the picture back in my pocket and had him banned from K-marts world wide. Damn punk kids!
Later that night I met up with Jennifer Love Hewitt to tell her about what happened and to thank her, because that picture sure did come in handy. we then....well you'll have to buy the video to find out what happened after that.
Name that song...
Okay yeah I know, and I have been told how easy last issue's Name that Song was so this week is going to be a little bit harder. The answer to the last NTS was Walk this way By Aerosmith. This week is going to be a little difference, What one song to all the following artists have released.
John Denver, Roger Whittaker, Me first and the gimme gimmes, and Peter, Paul and Mary. There is also one more, name that artist and the name of that song.
Please send all responses to mustachemania@hotmail.com also include your name/handle and if can the issue number would make it easier for me to keep tabs on the correct responses.
Ask Alice...
send questions to Alice @ justaskalice@hotmail.com
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Joke of the week...fwd e-mail
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago. Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African Americans men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent." Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto" the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein."
On the Commute Memoirs...By Ben Matthews
Well the past few weeks has proven to be quite interesting. sitting here on the train on my way to work gives me a chance to really think about life's little lessons.
with in the past few weeks I have spent almost everyday either in the emergency room at the hospital or the doctor's office. My first trip was for some infection in my back that needed to be sliced open to find out what was inside...I won't get into details about that one. Anyways, in line at the waiting there were only about 2 people ahead of me, but it still took 4 hours for me to get to see the doctor. Now i can understand that mine visit wasn't for something as major as some of the other people, but come one. 6 people suddenly got ahead of me and no the lady who cut her hand open and in need of medical attention had to wait just like me, but the guy with the cough wanting a day off work was send in almost immediately. I know some people are going to say how do you know all that...well I was watching, and when there is no reading material and only 1 tv set showing an afternoon soap with no volume, it's hard not to over hear people speaking. when i finally got called into the little room, they told me to strip and put one of those cozy hospital gowns on, sure no problem...except for waiting for another hour with the door open, and being in the room next to an outside door, in the middle of winter, you bet your ass it was a little chilly. Finally after almost 4 hours i put my clothes back on because I was going to catch the flu from the cold and the little kid coughing beside me not covering his mouth. Suddenly the doctor walks in. he checks it out but has no clue where anything is. all i hear is him complaining about anything and everything...what a day. For that little visit, i am still supposed to be seeing a doctor everyday to get the dressing changed, however since my school health clinic was closed on the weekend i was forced to go to the hospital again to get it changed, along with the packing so I couldn't do it myself. So me being so smart i went to another hospital which generally isn't so busy. Not only did i get lost and no one giving proper directions, signs everywhere but in the oddest locations so no one can see them i finally made it to where i was wanted to go. "we can't do that here" i was told by the nurse after being there for almost an hour. I still to this day do not understand which part of "The school health clinic is closed on weekends" did she not understand. I said screw this and left. The doctor at the school health clinic was not too impressed but hey, she told me to go there and i did.
Last week was my spring break, in fact this is my first day back. Last Thursday I had to take another trip to the emergency room, this time back home. It was approximately 3AM, took two minutes to get the paper work done another 10 to actually see the doctor, it was amazing, my questions were answered I left with a smile...well the best smile I could have at the time. You see this is kind of a funny story, painful story buy has some humor to it. for those of you who know me in person, I am not a very intimidating guy, many people under estimate that's what makes me the great bouncer that I am. Anyways, my night of they only have 1 bouncer working, at the end of the night the lights come on, not one incident has occurred...suddenly a fight between 2 guys breaks out and I follow the bouncer to help him out if necessary. Well the fight went from 2 people to 7 people, I grabbed a guy in a bear hug from behind took him to the door and told him to get out. The fight stopped and all was good...for a second then it started up again I turn my back to the door for a split second when i turn back the guy i kicked out was standing there, he looks down at me and says "Don't you ever f*cking touch me again, do you know who I am?" I was like no...didn't really care either...Bam! he punches me in the side of the nose breaking it. I just stood there, Looked up at him again and said "Are you done?" should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless, he turned and left in a hurry. I found out afterwards that he was a bouncer in a bar that shut down a few years ago. Once the bleeding kind of stopped, that's when I drove up to the emergency room to get it checked out.
I got home, and my mom found out, she hollered at me for almost ten minutes...I was hoping for the "are you okay? let me buy you a new car and that might make you feel better"...better luck next time eh.
Well as I continue here on my commute I just realized I forgot to stamp my ticket...I hope I don't get kicked out...
UPDATE...
Well I am on the train going on my third week, it's been okay except for last Friday. My day started off my alarm clock going off 3 hours early, then after resetting it and not going off at all. I missed my train and the next bus so I was forced to take a lter bus that generally gets me to work 15 minutes late. Well anyways I got there on time thanks god traffic wasn't too bad. On the commute home before we ever reached the first stop, we all felt this little bump and came to a screeching stop. A few minutes later the conductor came on the PA system announcing that there has been a fatality on the train and will be delayed until the proper authorities arrive. Moments later police, fire and ambulance crews showed up with sirens blaring. I looked out the window and all sorts of officials were standing out my window, then I noticed beside them, a shoe. Then a few minutes later a police man walked by with a plastic bag with a wallet in it. The conductor came on once again stating that we are still awaiting the coroner. After being trapped on the train for a few hours another train came where we got on to take us the rest of the way. It was quite disturbing some of the reactions people have. Some people were really upset and crying, others were laughing and making jokes and others were pissed off because they were going to be late for dinner. One guy when getting on the other train actually had the nerve to bitch at a GO transit work for the delay. Like come on now it's not his fault and have some compassion, someone was about to receive a phone call saying that their family member was not ever going be coming home.
Another thing I found really messed up, Train conductors have approximately 4 close calls a day. 4 that is outrageous! Are people that stupid or that depressed that suicide by being hit bye a train is the only answer. That's crazy!!
This has absolutely nothing to do with my commute, but this really pisses me off. Most of you know that I am the Managing editor for Mohawk College's Student's Association's Campus Newspaper The Satellite. Well last issue someone had the guts to go to all the bins in the college and put inserts advertising "get paid surfing the net" shit. I am currently looking into my legal rights, and hopefully I can get enough money to buy new computers in the office. F%$#in' pricks! sorry it's just really frustrating having someone mess with something you have put endless hours working on. Right now i have no set office hours but I am in the office everyday after I get back from Toronto from working. Then I go to the office from approximately 7:30 PM until after 10 PM then Saturdays from noon till 11ish. Then again Sunday from 9AM'ish till I am done, which ranges from 1AM till 8AM, so yeah frustrating.
...Well, Till next time, keep it real!
Classifieds...
Wanted: Old PEZ dispensers, will pay cash, E-mail lmattina@tv.astral.com
(please note that all classifieds are to be considered as real ads no spoof ads are permitted in this section. abuse of this section will result in banning from advertising.)
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General News...
This is a new section to Mustache Mania. In this section you will find submission from MM subscribers is they have something they would like to share, much like the WC board. Also personals would be included in this section.
Well election results are in. I got 105 votes. unfortunatly that wasn't enough, 26 more votes would have tied it up. So I am not the new VP Programming for the Mohawk's Students' Association. Ohh well there is always next year
~~~Ben Matthews
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