INTERNET PROPHECY
And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto
himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder
and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham,
her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou
can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel
load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in
all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they
will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums
and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot
said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."
And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the
drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the
top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of
drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother
William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on
making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be
known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we
are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"Whoopee!" said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.
Received from Pete Galt. Thanks GCFL!
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are
big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar,
he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these
mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was
located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed
for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he
entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by
accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't
flush!" Thanks AAA!
SMARTER THAN YOU THINK
There is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients
and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Greg and Mike. They were called down to the office
and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.
The doctor came out and motioned for Greg to come in for his questioning.
When Greg came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the
doctor.
"Greg you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are
here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.
Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly
grin.
Greg nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this.
"Greg if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Greg answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Greg knowing that he had just gotten his
freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed
Mike's files. When Greg got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions
would be and what the correct answers were.
The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Greg.
"Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other
question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.
"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had
passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "My hat
would fall down over my eyes!"
Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack. Thanks GCFL!
MARRIAGE, SOCKS AND HALETOSIS
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each
had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-
to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he
said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and
I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often
as possible and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly
awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the
morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancee
will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and
head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the
bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your
teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he
with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That
is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his
socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of
course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you
doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
Received from Bill's Punch Line. Thanks GCFL!