The following takes place between
Agent in
Walsh: Crud! Go away and don't come back for the
rest of the series.
Agent: Okay.
Jack: I have family problems.
Kim: I love you, daddy (sneaks out).
Teri: She snuck out.
Jack: Okay, I'm gonna go battle terrorists now.
Teri: Okay.
Walsh: Someone's gonna try to kill Palmer, and
one of our agents is helping them. trust no one.
Jack: Okay (trusts Nina).
Mysterious Photographer: I'm gonna take pictures
of Senator Palmer.
Mandy: SEXY pictures?
Photographer: Um, no.
Mandy: Let's have sex.
Photographer: Okay.
Palmer: I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win...
Maureen Kingsley: You or someone in your family
did something bad.
Palmer: No.
George Mason: Jack, this disk will help you.
Jack: Okay, but who's the source?
Mason: I don't wanna tell.
Jack: Okay. (shoots tranquilizer in Mason's leg)
(to Nina) Go find out if Mason stole money from a drug dealer.
Nina: Okay.
Mandy: Bye-bye. (STEALS wallet and ID, JUMPS out
of PLANE, which BLOWS UP.)
Jack: You stole money, Mason.
Mason: Okay, here's the source that you won't use
for the rest of the series.
Kim: I wanna go home.
Dan: No.
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick...
-Dwasa
The following takes place between
Agent in
Walsh: Crud! Go away and don't come back for the
rest of the series.
Agent: Okay.
Jack: I have family problems.
Kim: I love you, daddy (sneaks out).
Teri: She snuck out.
Jack: Okay, I'm gonna go battle terrorists now.
Teri: Okay.
Walsh: Someone's gonna try to kill Palmer, and
one of our agents is helping them. Trust no one.
Jack: Okay (trusts Nina).
Mysterious Photographer: I'm gonna take pictures
of Senator Palmer.
Mandy: SEXY pictures?
Photographer: Um, no.
Mandy: Let's have sex.
Photographer: Okay.
Palmer: I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win...
Maureen Kingsley: You or someone in your family
did something bad.
Palmer: No.
George Mason: Jack, this disk will help you.
Jack: Okay, but who's the source?
Mason: I don't wanna tell.
Jack: Okay. (Shoots tranquilizer in Mason's leg)
(To Nina) Go find out if Mason stole money from a drug dealer.
Nina: Okay.
Mandy: Bye-bye. (STEALS wallet and ID, JUMPS out
of PLANE, which BLOWS UP.)
Jack: You stole money, Mason.
Mason: Okay, here's the source that you won't use
for the rest of the series.
Kim: I wanna go home.
Dan: No.
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick...
-Dwasa
The following takes place between
Mandy: Hey Gaines, instead of that ID, I buried
it and brought over my lesbian girlfriend.
Brigit: I want more money.
Gaines: Sure, but I'll blow your head off and
Mandy'll be written out of the series.
Mandy: Sh!t
Baylor: Here's some info about Palmer. (Gets shot)
Walsh: Help me Jack!
Jack: coming over. (Arrives) There are the
gunmen, lets kill 'um and cut off their thumb. (Bang, slice)
Walsh: (getting shot) Oh man, they shot me, and I
thought I'd be a regular on the series.
Jack: Well, you didn't, so give me the card.
Walsh: Okay. (Dies)
Jack: (hears the shots) RUNAWAY! RUNAWAY!
Palmer: Something's fishy; better call my sneaky
advisor Carl.
Jack: Jamey, here's the card, I trust you can
find some information for me.
Jamey: Sure thing Mr. Gaines...I mean, yeah,
Nina's dirty.
Jack: What?
Jamey: Yup, she is. It's not me, not me at all.
Jack: Okay, it'll be twenty two hours before I
believe that. Did I just give something away?
Dan: Call your mom.
Kim: No.
(Dan breaks Janet's arm.)
Kim: Okay, I love you mom.
Teri: She never said that.
Kevin: Yeah, yeah, less talk more kidnapping.
Teri: What did you say?
Kevin: Nothing, let's keep looking for our
"daughters."
Jonathan: (humming ode to joy while shooting
rats.)
1:59:57,
The following takes place between
Brigit: When are we going to get our money?
Gaines: Real soon. Jon, how's your aim?
Jonathan: (Still humming "Ode to Joy")
Great.
Kim: Janet, we need to get out of here.
Janet: (mumbles incoherently like Ozzy or Keith
Richards.)
Kim: Fine, let's go.
Dan: Hey! They're getting away!
Rick: Duh.
Dan: Shut up. And follow me.
Rick: Yes, sir.
Palmer: Hey Carl, what's the deal?
Carl: Your son may have killed your daughter's
rapist.
Palmer: What?
Carl: Don't worry; I've got it under control.
Palmer: Don't do anything sneaky.
Carl: Hey, why else would we be meeting in a
dark, empty, garage at
Jack: Nina, you're dirty.
Nina: Well, I haven't bathed in twenty hours,
so...
Jack: No, you're leaking info.
Nina: No I'm not.
Jack: Yeah you are.
Jamey: She isn't. The info from her computer was
back during your trip.
Jack: Oh yeah. Okay, Nina, I'm glad it isn't you.
Nina: Me too. (Looks at Jamey with a "Do it
again and you'll die." look)
Kim: Janet, this looks safe, what the...
BOW-CHIK-A-BOW-BOW
Male Prostitute: Hey, you guys just lost me a
customer, so give me your money and I'll cover for you for some weird reason.
Kim: Okay. There they are. RUNAWAY! RUNAWAY!
Janet, watch out for that. (Janet gets hit by a car, Kim's taken away.)
Brigit: Here's your key-card.
Gaines: (shouting) Hey Jon, you ready?
Jonathan: Yep. (Shoots her.)
Mandy: (crying) How will I live.
Gaines: Well, your character's going to
disappear, you won't die, but you'll just leave without an explanation.
Janet: I'm not quite dead yet. I think I'll go
for a walk.
John Cleese: No worry you'll be stone dead in a
moment. (Had to put in the python reference)
Gaines: Oh no, I'm not doing that sorta dead
speech yet.
2:59:57,
The following takes place between
Pierce: Palmer, this is a serious threat against
you.
Palmer: Okay, (on phone) Carl, so who is the
source?
Carl: Ferragamo, Keith told him during therapy.
Palmer: Damn!
Pierce: I think we should cancel the breakfast at
7.
Palmer: No way, and miss seeing the girl who's on
screen for three seconds yet the forum fans keep talking about her. We're
having the breakfast.
Jamey: Hey Jack, here's a shady address from the
key card.
Jack: Better go check it out.
Mason: We're no under lock down.
Jack: Okay, better get out through the back.
Inexperience Pimply Faced Teenage Guard: Sorry
sir, I can't let you go. (Jack hands him a copy of Hustler, then runs off) Ooh,
girls.
Kim: We need to go see Janet, she needs a doctor.
Rick: (After seeing Kim stare
at him in a provocative way) Yeah, that's a good idea.
Dan: No it's not.
Rick: Yes sir.
Kim: Rick, why do you have to be such a pu$$y?
Rick: (whining like the wimp he is) Stop yelling
at me.
Dan: Hey wait a minute; we need to kill Janet so
she can't ID us.
Kim: No. (Rick duct tapes her mouth)
Dan: Finally, now we can listen to my Papa Roach
CD.
(Rick duct tapes his ears and grabs some of the
drugs used to sedate Janet and knocks himself out.)
Cop: Pull over the car.
"Alan": Geez, what did we do?
Cop: You were speeding.
"Alan": Dude, you're gonna blow my
cover!
Teri: What'd you say Alan?
"Alan": Nothing. We called 911. We're looking for our "daughters." (Cracks
up)
Cop: Okay, well, I'm just a stupid cop, so I'm
going to arrest you and then let you go when I hear the call.
"Alan": I could be at the compound now.
Gaines makes the best sugar cookies!
Jack: Hey, other cop, help me get this guy.
Other cop: Okay. Hey Janitor, what'd I tell you
about moving? (Guy shoots her.)
Jack: Damn it.
Dan: Okay, I think I can aim this. (Shoots)
Rick: You just shot yourself in the foot.
(Dan motions to smack Rick, Rick crawls in Fetal
position)
Dan: There's the ambulance. (The pain of the shot
finally hits him since he's high as a kite.) Ow!
Jack: She's dead?
Another officer: Well, her brain is all over the
concrete.
Jack: Sorry.
Gunman: I'm not the gay hustler from last week!
It wasn't me! Oh yeah, Jack, if you want to see Kim, you'll let me out.
Jack: Wait a minute!
3:59:57,
The Following Takes Place between
Jack: I'm going to need to see your prisoner.
Officer: Sorry, I can't do that.
Jack: You forget, I'm Jack Bauer.
Officer: Ooops, sorry.
Jack: Okay, we're going to fight and I'm going to
give the number of a pay phone, call me there. (Fights, leaves)
Dan: Here she is.
Gaines: Where's the other girl?
Dan: She's dead.
Gaines: (at audience) Not yet, wait a little bit.
Okay, give me her.
Palmer: Hey Keith, I want to talk to you about
something.
Keith: It was a one time thing, I was in college.
Palmer: No, about, Gibson.
Keith: Nope, too early in the series. (Leaves)
Jack: Now, we're going to start a new fight and
take his key card and escape from this cell from a very-minimal security jail.
Greg: Okay. (Escapes)
"Alan:" Who's the girl in the hospital.
Nurse: it's a Jane Doe.
"Alan": Oh, good, it's my daughter...
(Flips through a book "How to Kidnap Teri Bauer and Get Away with
It.") Janet.
Teri: That's good, I'll call Jack. (Phone rings)
Jack, we found Janet.
Jack: Great, I'm breaking out a cop-killer right
now. I'll come over the hospital in a half hour.
Gaines: Hey Greg, go over to the grey car, there
is a body I want you to get rid of.
Cops: Freeze.
Jack: There's your guy.
Greg: Hey, I thought you'd protect me.
Jack: Yeah.
Mason: Why shouldn't I arrest you right now?
Jack: (pops open truck) Ew! Blood!
Mason: We better take this to our forensics
expert.
Gaines: I just got off the phone. Apparently there is a girl who resembles Janet
who is being operated on.
Dan: I guess she was sorta dead.
Gaines: (to audience) You ready for this? Okay,
there isn't a "sorta dead" either your dead or not, here, let me show
you. (Shoots Dan)
Dan: I'm still sorta dead. (Gaines shoots again)
I'm getting better. (Gaines shoots him again.)
Rick: Finally, I'm free.
Gaines: Shut up and start burying your friend.
And now will let Kim out of her shackles for some reason.
Rick: Okay.
Janet flat lines.
Doctor: Okay, who's using the hospital power to
watch 24 repeats?
4:59:57,
The following takes place between
Alan: Good news Teri. (Looks at name written on
his hand) Janet's going to pull through.
Palmer: Carl, I don't ever want to see you again,
I'm coming clean about Keith.
Carl: Before you do that, you should talk to your
wife, she's covering up too.
Jack: Here's the body Nina. (Hands over a large
garbage bag of body parts.)
Nina: Ew! Gross.
Jack: Nina, I'm going to get a helicopter, but
you can't tell anyone in this high security government office what I'm doing
with it.
Tony: Hey, where's Jack going?
Nina: Mickey-D's. It's going to be a long day. I
need an Egg McMuffin.
Nina: Thanks for coming,
(Jamey looks at Nina with a "Hey, aren't we
supposed to be together on this?" and Nina scolds her.)
Jack: Hey honey, I'm so glad to see you.
Gaines: Hey Jack, I'm watching you. Somehow I got
access to this specific hospital and am watching your every move. Now go out to
the garage, get in the car and go to CTU to do our dirty work.
Jack: God I hate you.
Janet: Where's my dad...?
"Alan": He's not here. I'm just a big stupid goon here to kill you. (asphyxiates
her) Where are all the hospital personnel? They should've been alerted when
they saw her flat line. Oh well.
Kim: Rick, we need to get out of here now.
Rick: I can't, I can only be whipped by one
person at a time, and you're not it. I gotta finish burying Dan.
Kim: God you're a pu$$y.
"Alan": Teri, Janet's doing just fine.
Teri: Can I see her?
"Alan": No, let's go find Kim.
Teri: Shouldn't you stay to help your daughter?
"Alan": Let's go Teri.
Teri: (phone rings) Hello?
Nina: Teri? It's Nina, have you talked to Jack?
Teri: Not lately.
Nina: Well, just tell him that the guy you've
been with all night really isn't the father of the other girl in fact he just
killed her and is just another employee in the hit on Palmer and you are pretty
much f---ed for the rest of the season.
Teri: Great.
5:59:57,
The following takes place between
Jonathan: (psyching up) Gonna shoot some guys,
gonna make some money. OK Gaines, heading out.
Jack: Hey Nina.
Nina: Where have you been? Do you know about Kim?
Jack: Just went to a party, she's a little late.
(mouths 'help me')
Gaines: Stop that.
Jack: Sorry.
Nina: What?
Jack: Nothing. Hey
Jack: Check it out Kim's naked!
Teri: Pull over, I think I'm sick.
Kevin: Of what?
Teri: Of your bull$h!t (smacks him with a rock)
Now I'm going to tie you with some rope that magically appeared for sake of
story advancement. (picks up cell phone) Nina.
Jamey: Sorry, this is Jamey, are you OK?
Nina: No, I've been kidnapped, please send some
CTU agents to get me.
Jamey: Sure, some of Gaines' thugs...I mean CTU
agents will be by soon.
Kim: We gotta get outta here!
Rick: Didn't you already say that?
Kim: Fourteen times already.
Eli: Well hello b!tch!
Kim: Hey.
Eli: I was talking to Rick.
Rick: Oh. (Kim grabs him, they make out)
Eli: OK, I see where this is going.
Teri: Thank god you're here.
Goon #1: Actually, we're just here to kidnap you
again.
Sherry: Maybe we can blackmail Maureen to
dropping the story.
Palmer: It sound like you might be a little evil.
Sherry: No.
Nina: Jack you switched the cards.
Jack: Let's go for a ride and I'll mock execute
you, but you'll have a vest on and be okay. Let's go go go. Here we are.
(shoots her) See she's dead, let's move on.
Gaines: Okay Jack.
Kim: We're going to make it.
Teri: Help!
Kim: Mom! I've got to go help her!
Rick: Shouldn't we go call the cops or something
since we know the location?
Kim: No, staying here is the best choice.
Rick: You're a strange girl.
Nina gets up, starts walking in a daze to CTU.
Nina: Relax, I don't have amnesia, unlike some
characters.
6:59:57,
The following takes place between
Tony: Jamey, where's Nina?
Jamey: Talked with her ten minutes ago, she'll be
at a meeting all day.
Tony: (phone rings) Hello.
Nina: Tony, it's me. I'm in a remote area outside
downtown.
Tony: Jamey talked with you, said you'd be at a
meeting all day.
Nina: I haven't talked with her lately, she's
dirty.
Tony: Well we haven't bathed in a day and...
Nina: No, keep her under control until I get
there. Here I am. Let's put her in handcuffs.
Jonathan: Gonna shoot a Senator. Gonna make some
money. Belkin here to shoot the president.
Pierce: Yes, you're the photographer.
Jonathan: Yes, and I didn't have to lie, much.
Jack: Okay, now what?
Gaines: Pick up this guy at the next bus stop.
Now keep driving, don't look at the cops. Now drive down to the dry cleaners,
pick up my suit and now go to the Power Plant.
Jack: Hey.
Girl with 2 seconds of air time that spawned a
million threads about how pretty she is: Hey Jack, still race motorcycles?
Jack: No, not since I had Kim.
GW2SOATTSAMTAHPSI: Oh, I forgot you're a father.
Gaines: Stop it and move into the third medical
room. Now assemble his gun.
Jack: You want my prints.
Gaines: You're quick to learn.
Teri: Oh my little girl.
Kim: Oh mom, I'm so sorry.
Teri: Don't worry, it's not your fault.
Kim: Really?
Teri: No, not really. (Slaps her) I haven't sleep
in 24 hours and now I've been kidnapped. What next, raped, rescued, discovering
I'm pregnant, brought to a faulty safe-house, lose my memory and then be bored
at CTU where home wrecker will kill me?
Palmer: Before I become your President, I need to
get some issues across.
Gaines: When Jon's done, he'll give you his gun.
Jack: Sorry FTS! (grabs Secret Security's gun)
GUN!!!
Palmer: Not again.
Gaines: Damn it! Kill the women!
Jonathan: Gonna sneak out inconspicuously. Gonna
leave the show without an explanation.
Jamey: Hey Gaines, Jack was arrested for breaking
protocol all night.
Gaines: Okay, hold the execution. (phone rings)
Hello, oh hi Andre, um yeah, well, it's a funny story. What? $h!t.
7:59:57,
The following takes place between
Palmer's crew: RUNAWAY! RUNAWAY! (I need a new
Python reference)
Jack: Simes, you need to get me out of this. The
shooter is still at large until he gets erased from the plot.
Simes: Can't do that.
Jack: Then I'll escape.
Simes: It's not that easy.
Jack: Oh yeah, check it out. (flicks a bunch of
valves, steam flies out)
Simes: Will one of you get him?
Security: Well, we are the most prized security
in the world, but he has steam valves.
Tony: How much did they pay you?
Jamey: Gaines paid me $300,000.
Tony: $300,000 FOR Walsh and Baylor?
Nina: Wow, they're giving me several million, you
should rat out with the higher ranks...I mean, Jamey, we
need more info.
Sherry: DAY-vid, you almost died.
Palmer: It's nothing.
Sherry: Why did you say 'not again.'
Palmer: Was I skipping ahead of myself again?
Mike: David, the man at the breakfast was a man
named Jack Bauer.
Palmer: Sounds like a guy I sent on a suicide
mission two years ago.
Eli: I want some. You.
Kim: No.
Teri: I'll do it and take your phone.
Eli: OK.
Jack: So, you're a waitress, would you mind going
out there and getting the car for me? (cell phone rings)
Nina: (on phone) Jack. The mole's Jamey.
Jack: What? Bring in her son, that'll get some
information out of her.
Nina: Okay, I'll taser her and slash her
wrists...I mean get her son.
Jack: Could you also have a CTU car waiting for
me? (looking at waitress rat him out) Great.
Nina: Well, let's see if Jamey's
"ready"? Oh no she slit her wrists.
Gaines: Hello, Jamey, you're not sorta dead, are
you?
8:59:57,
The following takes place between
Cops: Please pull over the car.
Jack: Nope. (Speeds off.) Hey I got an idea, how
about I sneak under a car in a small parking lot. Nobody looks under cars.
Nina: Jack, Jamey just died.
Jack: What happened, did you knock her out with
chloroform and taser and slash her wrists?
Nina: No. Here's your wife.
Jack: Hi honey.
Teri: Let me get Kim.
Jack: Hey Kim.
Kim: Hey dad.
Eli: Hey you stole my phone. (picks up phone) Who
is this?
Jack: This is the man who's gonna slice your
(expletive deleted) and (expletive deleted) in your (expletive deleted) if you
harm my wife and daughter.
Eli: That was the father wasn't it?
Rick: You really are bright, aren't you Eli?
(Eli kicks Rick in the stomach ---Good flexibility)
Nina: We tracked down a name from one of Jamey's
e-mails, a man named Ted Coffel.
Jack: Not that a$$#$*& sniper from Star
Bucks.
Nina: No, he's a banker who may be linked to the
Draze...hit on Palmer.
Gaines: Hello.
Andre: Hello Ira, I'm upset Gaines isn't dead.
Gaines: He will be.
Andre: Well, if you don't get a handle on this
situation, a bunch of less cooler bad guys will take your place.
Frank: Palmer, we aren't happy about the
Ferragamo situation.
Palmer: I'm sorry.
Frank: We need to do something sneaky.
Palmer: Sneaky...get Carl now!
Jack: Hey, it's an old college buddy here to see
Coffel.
Secretary: Sorry, he's left for
Jack: Well, I'll have to hijack his limo and go a
separate course.
Ted: Could you turn up the air?
Jack: Sure thing Ted.
Kim: Why'd you and dad break up?
Teri: Because he went on a mission and did
something that made him very angry that won't be fully explained for another
five hours. Ouch! What was that pain in my stomach?
Kim: Maybe it's Eli's.
Teri: Kim, you're an idiot.
9:59:57,
The following takes
Ted: Hey, we're not going in the right direction.
Jack: (gun drawn) No we're not.
Ted: I don't know anything about your wife and
daughter or Ira Gaines.
Jack: I didn't ask.
Ted: I'm just a normal businessman with a cool
little knife to gut people like you.
Jack: Oh yeah, well I can remove your stomach
lining with this towel.
Ted: What kind of man are you?
Jack: A hero. Didn't you see the ads?
Nina and Tony: Nope.
Andre: Half an hour before our uncharismatic
villains takes over. Either that or get Jack. And kill the women.
Rick: Time for me to be the hero. (looks around)
Wow, nobody to tell me to shut up! Here girls, here's
a gun not ready to shoot for when Eli comes to kill us.
Ted: You deserve this. (Jack fights him) Hey, I'm
a Serbian terrorist and all, but I have a heart problem.
Jack: I'm scared.
Ted: You will be. You will be. (heart
attack...dies)
Jack: Oh well. Here comes Kevin.
Kevin: Hey Ted.
Jack: (mimicking Ted like a puppet, high pitch
voice) Hello Kevin, how are you?
Kevin: Hey, you're dead.
Jack: Sorta. It worked in Weekend at Bernie's.
Now it's time for me to go 50 mph in this garage, make sharp turns and abrupt
turns while tossing you around like a rag doll.
Palmer: So, you took care of the evidence?
Carl: Yes.
Palmer: Nothing sneaky?
Carl: Do I look like a lizard for nothing?
Eli: Hey girls, I'm here to kill you.
Teri: This is for your tiny...perspective on the
world. (bang) They're expecting two (bang, Kim stares at Teri, begins to
applaud)
Jack: Where are we going?
Kevin: To get some sugar cookies.
10:59:57,
The following takes place between
Teri: Let's hide Eli.
Kim: Good idea.
Nina: I think we should send back up.
Jack: Please, I'm super agent Jack Bauer, I can
take all Gaines' thugs by myself.
Green: You too are working with Jack, you're both
suspended from CTU.
Jack: Any mistake everyone around the car dies
starting with you.
Kevin: Okay we're in. (Jack beats him senseless)
Jack: Hi Kim. Hi Teri.
Teri and Kim: Oh my God.
Jack: Who're you?
Rick: Rick.
Kim: he can be trusted, he's really cute.
Jack: Okay.
Rick: How about I steal one of Gaines' vans?
Carl: Don't worry David, I took care about
Ferragamo.
Palmer: Ferragamo, you're going to be killed.
Ferragamo: No, I'm not. (blows up)
Palmer: Told him so, now my campaign is really in
trouble.
Jack: Hey Green, I got the location of the hide
out for the Palmer hit.
Green: OK, you two are back on the case.
Tony: Wonderful.
Nina: (whispering in Serbian to Andre over the
phone) Everything is back to normal.
Gaines: Wait Rick, Kevin was beat up, better go
see him.
Rick: Nuts.
Gaines: How are you Kevin?
Kevin: Jack Bauer just kicked my @$$, I feel
honored in a way.
Gaines: Hey, Rick's stolen the van!
Rick: Come on everybody, let's go. (everyone
piles in van)
Gaines: Lock the gates.
Rick: Pull over I gotta go pee! Whoa I almost got
shot. Now they hit me.
Jack: Let's shoot 'em. OK, now let's blow up the
van and leave.
(Boom)
Rick limps away.
Jack: God you're a pu$$y.
Rick: Why does everyone say that?
11:59:57,
The
following Takes place between
Teri: Kim we have to keep going. How about this
little shack.
Jack: Rick, I want you to stay here, don't move.
That hit won't kill you, you can almost function for at least eight hours, hang
around your house with your dirty girlfriend waiting for the E deal.
Rick: OK (Runs off to a nearby bus).
Neil: Hey I gotcha. (Jack kills him)
Teri: Good you're safe.
Kim: I wanna go home. (sniper shoots)
Jack: I'll go take care of this.
Palmer: We need to come clean.
Sherry: No we don't. We need to get to the White
House.
Palmer: A man died today because of this.
Sherry: And...
Palmer: I'm going to the DA.
Carl: You'll never win.
Palmer: It's too big. (walks away in defeat)
Nina: Erica, do you know about 300,000 dollars
Jamey gave you?
Erica: I got some money transferred to me.
Nina: Yeah, it's from Sneaky Serbians: Terrorists
for Hire. They do good work.
Jack: Put down the weapon Mr. Gaines.
Gaines: The audience will suffer less potent
bad-guys.
Jack: Put it down! (shoots)
Gaines: Sorta dead, sorta dead, dead (dies).
Jack: Wo-hoo I killed the bad guys, time to go
home and watch some TV.
Nina: Sorry Jack, we found out there's a new
assassin flown in for the occasion if plan A failed.
Jack: You mean I'm not done yet. I just rescued
my wife. Maybe this was for closure if the adventure were to end prematurely.
(looks at Fox executive)
12:59:57,
The following takes place between
Jack: It's good to know your safe, well, since I
haven't seen either of you in several hours after spending that time looking
for you, I'm going to drop you off at the clinic where Nina will be there and I
can trust her.
Nina: Yeah (Biting her lip to prevent laughing)
you can count on me.
Palmer: I can't do anything since my financier's
are blackmailing me to cover up Ferragamo's death.
Keith: Ferragamo's dead?
Palmer: Haven't you heard, he died, an hour and a
half ago.
Keith: I could trust him.
Sherry: Cover it up for my family.
Green: You're under arrest, Jack.
Jack: I can be a better help free.
Green: Can't do that. Hey Tony, rat out Jack I'll
give you a promotion.
Tony: Kiss my soul patched @$$.
Nina: How are you doing Teri?
Teri: Good. Doctor, don't tell my husband I was
raped.
Nina: Hey Jovan! How are you. Been a while since
we trained together in
Tony: Palmer and crew better leave
Chappelle: Why didn't we do this in the first
place?
Tony: I dunno.
Kevin: OK, I ran away as far as I could from the
compound, the boys are setting up camp in this remote desert area.
Andre: Now it's time for the next phase of the
plan. (Alexis blows up house)
Kevin: I don't think my buddies will be of good
use if they're blow'd-up.
(Alexis shoots him)
Alexis: Don't call me that.
Alexis: Oh yeah.
BWOW-WOCK-A-WOW-WOCK-A-WOCK-WOW-CHIK-A-BWOW
Tony: Palmer, shouldn't you be on a plane.
Palmer: No, I'm speaking to Jack right now.
Tony: OK, just fill in your name and we'll let
you know.
Palmer: NOW!
Tony: (Cowering) Now.
1:59:57,
The
following takes place between
Palmer: I need to see Jack NOW.
Tony: I need to call Chapelle.
Chapelle: Stall him.
Tony does a little dance.
Palmer: Enough of this. (pushes him aside) Why
did you want me killed? Is it because I sent you on a mission to kill a
genocidal maniac and you were the only one to return?
Jack: I didn't mean it that way. I've been
spending all day trying to help you while helping my family.
Teri: Oh my God, I'm pregnant.
Kim: You should tell dad.
Teri: Maybe later.
Alexis: They're planning on leaving
Andre: (drinking coffee) You know it was a good
idea to get rid of Gaines, he spent the last twelve hours wasting valuable
time. And we (sipping) have gotten it together.
Jack: I killed Victor Drazen's wife and daughter,
oops, that must be why they're after them as well.
Palmer: We need to work together.
Jack: I think we should contact Robert Ellis, he
was behind the scenes with operation Nightfall.
Ellis: Hello Jack, let me get that information
for you from the lap top that appeared out of nowhere.
Nina: So tell us about your kidnapping.
Teri: You were the other woman weren't you.
Nina: Um, well.
Teri: Don't go there.
Nina: Oh yeah, well, talk to the hand.
Kim: Rick, you need to turn yourself in.
Rick: No I'll be arrested.
Kim: No $h!t you'll be arrested, now you need to
accept responsibility for your actions and stop being a...
Rick: Pu$$y I know.
Ellis: One file was removed from the system
deliberately, I think it was. (guy comes in and chokes him.) Urggggh.
Jack: Ellis, please hang up if you're going to do
that.
2:59:57,
The following takes place between
Alexis: Wonderful.
Alexis: I just did that an hour ago, you think
I'm a machine?
Pierce: Here are some pictures of the assassins.
Keith: Why are you covering up for Ferragamo?
Carl: You want answers? Come to the
Keith: Nicole, distract the secret service.
Nicole does an awkward dance like Tony did in the
previous post.
Nina: I think we should continue talking.
Teri: I don't think so. You don't know me.
Nina: Wow, this job was easier than I thought.
(leaves)
Palmer: Jack, one of my campaign workers is
involved with one of the gunmen.
Jack: Chopper her over (she gets choppered over.)
CTU Agent #1: Hey, why is Parker (lawnmower
guy--made up his name) lying down on the grass with his head all red?
Jovan shoots that cool arrow gun into his neck.
CTU Agent #1: Ha, you missed me! (pause) No,
kidding I'm dead. (dies)
CTU Agent #2: Wait a minute, what was that noise?
(Goes to investigate, Jovan attacks him)
Teri: Let's get out of here in the CTU car which
happens to have the keys in it.
Jack:
Mason: Jack, I'm back and
Teri: OK, we drove a while, now let's park over
the edge of a cliff where I'll get out to make sure he isn't following us.
Carl: Keith, you can't do anything. We are
powerful.
Keith replays the tape.
Kim: MOM! (the car slides down, explodes, Teri
faints, recovers)
Tanya: You okay?
Teri: Yeah, I just think I fell victim to a plot
device made cheesy by excessive use in Soap Operas.
Tanya: Well, hop in I'll give you a ride.
Kim: I'm not dead, I'm OK, mom, dad, Rick, Nina?
3:59:57,
The following takes place between
Palmer: I will hold you responsible if anything
happens to her.
Jack: Come on, when have things gone wrong today?
Kim: Hello.
Tony: Kim?
Kim: Yeah bad stuff happened at the safe house.
Tony: I'll get a car for you.
Kim: No, I only trust dad and Nina.
Nina chuckles.
Tony: Are you listening on the other line Nina?
Nina: No.
Keith: Hey dad, I got some incriminating evidence
against the big bad financiers.
Palmer: Great. I'm sorry I overreacted.
Teri: Pull over here, I think I know this place.
Henry: Hello, Mrs. Bauer, will Dr. Parslow, the
man you slept with after you lost super agent Jack Bauer?
Teri: Who?
Henry: I'll call for him.
Jack: OK, Elizabeth, if there are any problems,
just call us. Don't stab Alexis with a letter opener.
Alexis: Hey honey. (calls room service)
Room service: Hello?
Alexis: Could I have a hamburger?
Room service: Sure, that'll be available five
minutes after you're stabbed.
Alexis: What? (gets stabbed)
Palmer: This is your fault.
Jack: Hey I told her not to stab him in the gut.
(phone rings) Hello.
Morgan: Hey, I'll be at the mini-mall waiting for
your bribe money, please don't have any Star Bucks loving snipers waiting.
Jack: Huh?
4:59:57,
The following takes place between
Kim: Hi, I showed up last hour, but it was
forgotten. (looks at Ticktock24.)
Ticktock24: Sorry.
Melanie: What do you want? Steal Rick?
Kim: Oh yeah, well, BRING IT...
Ticktock24: Kim, you're getting ahead of yourself.
Kim: I need to see if Dan has any papers about
those guys he worked with.
Jack: OK, it's time for me to pretend to be a
Serbian.
Nina: Don't you think that'll be hard.
Jack: No way, check it out. Vat iz eet? If an
talented older actor who doesn't do accents well can do it, why not me?
Nina: No it's like this? Ve need eem as a
bar...let's go to the plaza.
Palmer: I think we need to go public about this.
Sherry: No.
Palmer: Well then, I'll put it in this envelope
and put it in this safe that we both know the combo for.
Teddy: Hey Jack.
Jack: Oh man, it's the agent who annoyed so many
people in the forum even though he's on screen for a total of five seconds.
Teri: Where am I?
Phil: How about we go to your home. Jack was a gardener
right? No threat there.
Sherry: I destroyed the tape.
Palmer: Gotcha, it was fake. Now I know you're
evil.
Morgan: Hello Alexis.
Jack: Hello.
Morgan: All the power will go off in this section
at
Jack: Do you have my bargaining cheep?
Morgan: Even Hopper was better than that.
Jack: Don't shoot him, Ted. (Ted shoots him)
Dammit. Well, this is for everyone in the forum (shoots Ted--OK, it didn't
happen, but I'm using artistic license.)
Phil: Here's your house.
Jovan: (on phone) I'm here Andre.
Andre: Wonderful, now don't waste a second.
(Takes a nap)
Jovan: I just stepped in Agent blood. Gross, I
should've been a real estate consultant instead of hired gun.
5:59:57,
The following takes place between
Frank: Where's Dan with the money?
Rick: He's buried with work.
Kim: He's dead.
Rick: Sorry, my bad. (Frank hits him)
Mason: Ever notice you leave a body count
everywhere you go?
Jack: OK, you're really pushing that line. It was
clever the first time, now it's...
Palmer: Hey, I found that missing file. Check out
another shady address in
Jack: Wonderful. Hey Mason, have you noticed that
despite the fact that we live in one of the busiest and populated cities in the
world, we have yet to experience any traffic?
Tony: (on phone) Mason, I think we need to add
more men looking for Teri and Kim.
Nina: Yes, we need to talk with Jack.
Mason: No way, people still have to think I'm the
double agent.
Frank: Since we don't have the money, let's rob
the dealers.
Palmer: Now I'm going to deliver a speech about
what's happened the last eighteen hours and you won't see a lot of it.
Teri: I'm still having trouble remembering,
here's my schedule. Go look for daughter, get kidnapped, raped, rescued,
attacked, lose my memory and reuse a joke from a few hours ago.
Jovan shoots Phil and Chris.
Chris: Hey wait, I didn't get introduced!
Jovan: Too bad. (shoots him) Where's Kim?
Teri: I don't know.
Tony shoots him.
Tony: Oh yeah, whoever thought I was the mole,
well boo-yaa. (does victory dance, spikes gun, accidentally goes off, some of
the ceiling falls down) Sorry Teri, I'll take care of that.
Teri: Well, that took care of that plot device.
Frank: Hey, how much for the E?
Klugman: You're under arrest.
Mason: This doesn't look like a wildlife
preserve.
Jack: I think someone's expecting us.
French Taunter: 'Allo daffy CTU Kin-iggits and Monsieur
Jack Bauer who has the brain of a duck you know.
Jack: Tick, I think we've had enough Python.
6:59:57,
The
following takes place between
Jack: Wow, the sun set awfully quick.
Mason: Yeah, I'm going to go back to CTU and
leave you alone in this mysterious field so everyone will think I'm the mole.
Jack: Hey, there's a stairway, oops, I got
tranquilized.
Tony: Well, we're just going to drive a little
bit and not be associated with tonight's episode.
Teri: OK.
Rick: Tell them everything.
Kim: But you'll be in trouble.
Rick: I'll have to take that risk.
Kim: What, we've been following you for the last
nineteen hours and you being a little pansy-boy thinking he was going to do
something heroic and this is all you do?
Jack: Hey it's Lou Diamond Phillips! Good to see
you again.
DeSalvo: What're you doing here.
Jack: Someone's planning a jailbreak. Let's put
on shields and armor and get this prisoner in.
Andre: Hey, I'm actually doing something other
than sitting in a limo talking on a cell phone! Darn, the power didn't go off,
let's blow up the generator.
Jack: I wanna see who it is.
DeSalvo: No.
Jack: Please.
DeSalvo: No.
Jack sneaks around. Sees a monitor.
Jack: Hey, that's Victor Drazen (does a double
take) WHAT? Didn't I kill that guy? Let me speak to him.
DeSalvo: No.
Jack: Please.
DeSalvo: Alright.
Sherry: You just threw away your campaign.
Palmer: Well, I wanted to do what's right, unlike
some people.
Mike: Hey, the polls have you through the roof.
Jack: Why are you still alive? Why? Call it off.
Victor: Hi, everybody, I'm actor Dennis Hopper, I
mean, Mie zonz are solgers.
Jack: Let's get him out the back door.
DeSalvo: Oops, the power went out.
Jack: aren't you guys supposed to be a high tech
security system?
Victor: They're heeere.
Jack: Stop quoting Poltergeist.
7:59:57,
The following takes place between
Mike: Hey we won!
Palmer: Let's get the band to play Celebration
for fifteen minutes!
Mason: Hey Jack.
Jack: Mason, it's the funniest thing, you know
that whole killing Victor Drazen thing. He survived.
Victor: Hello Mazon.
Andre: Here we are, give us my father and we'll
give you this guy.
Jack: OK. (Andre kills DeSalvo.) Why do I have a
feeling this isn't going to be good?
Kim: I'm sorry about Rick.
Melanie: Will you stop talking to me?
Kim: You got a problem, well BRING IT ON!
Sherry: Now you're going to seduce my husband so
I can control him.
Patty: You're evil.
Sherry: Don't push me. (eyes turn red, fangs come
out)
Lucy: I don't want that joint. (flicks it at Mel)
Officer: Is that yours?
Melanie: No.
Lucy: She's a liar.
Kim: No, you're a liar.
Lucy attacks. Lucy is taken outside.
Klugman: Alright, Mel told us the story, you're
free to go, even though you were technically involved.
Tony: Teri, we're going to move you here where
you'll be safe. Now since you're in a government facility, you can roam freely
and question our procedures.
Jack: Why are you keeping me alive?
Victor: I don't know. (aims gun)
Jack: we have your son.
Victor: Let's use him as a (turns to audience)
EVERYBODY! Bargaining cheeeeeeeeeeep.
Klugman: I talked to your mom, she says
everything is fine.
Kim: Great, I'm going to CTU to be safe.
Serbian terrorists: No, we're kimnapping you
again.
Michael Corleone: Just when I thought I was out,
they pull me back in.
8:59:57,
The following takes place between
Victor: I vill trade Jack for Alexis.
Mason: Can I Chapelle? Please? Pretty please? I
promise not to steal any more money from drug dealers.
Chapelle: No, I'd rather let him go secretly.
Mason: But he could he tell the world that he's
alive once he escapes, and that would be really bad. And don't, like, 14
characters know by now?
Chapelle: Quiet, you. It's "24", not
"22". Duh.
Mason: I see.
Drazens: A Slavic restaurant! No one will find us
here!
Nina: Help Jack, and ignore any strange telephone
sounds.
Palmer: What?
Nina: Nothing.
Palmer: Help Jack, and I'll give you a big
promotion when I'm elected.
Mason: Why would I want a new position?
Palmer: Well, for starters, CTU isn't a real
organization.
Mason: I see.
Tony: I can't tell Teri that Kim was kidnapped,
it would break her little heart. I mean, I don't want to hurt her. Heck, I
didn't even want to be a federal agent. What I really wanted to be was... A
lumberjack!
Nina: Hey, the Python references are TickTock's trademark.
Tony: Sorry.
Jack: Hah! I'm holding a young lady hostage! You
can't touch me!
Victor: Quiet, you. (shoots Mila)
Jack: I see.
Mason: Getting evil terrorist out of hospital...
Nikola: You killed my daughter. You're going to
pay!
Victor: Quiet, you. (shoots Nikola)
Nikola: I see. (dies)
Nina: Okay, Teri, we're going to release a
dangerous terrorist to save Jack.
Teri: Yay! Can I talk to Kim?
Nina: Quiet, you
Teri: I see.
Nina: I feel like I'm not doing my job. (GIANT
SIGN reading "CLUE! CLUE! CLUE!" emerges from ceiling)
Jack: How is killing various people helping you?
Drazens: Quiet, you.
Jack: I see.
Monica Lew- I mean, Patty: I'm flirting with you.
(looks at Sherri)
Palmer: I see.
Andre: When we get Alexis, you'll be freed. We have
snipers.
Jack: Why don't just have some guy with a gun
stand next to me?
Andre: Quiet, you.
Jack I see.
Patty: I feel guilty seducing Palmer.
Sherry: It's for his own good.
Patty: But I don't want-
Sherry: Ni! Ni!
Patty: Stop, please! I'll do whatever you want!
And stop stealing TickTock's idea.
Dwasa: Sorry.
Sherry: Quiet, you.
Dwasa: I see.
Mason: Here's Alexis.
Drazens: Yay!
Mason: (
Drazens: Quiet, you.
Mason: I see.
Andre: If you want to see your daughter again,
you will bring this phone to Palmer.
Jack: Why can't you just call him at his hotel?
They can't trace cell phones that quickly, as I learned at
Andre: Quiet, you.
Jack: I see.
9:59:57,
The
following takes place between
Nina: They destroyed Alexis' tracker.
George: Don't you think the terrorists would've
killed me when I traded him. They wouldn't do that to their own people.
Tony: Hey, I found evidence that the prison map
was altered and it says "Mason Rocks" on it.
Nina: OK, let's cut him off.
Andre: OK, now I want you to drive to Palmer's
hotel. I'll call you later.
Jack: You know, if you didn't fire Gaines, he
might've taught you something. When I worked with him, I had this earphone.
Andre: Stop it.
Palmer: Hey Patty, why don't we go upstairs, away
from this two hour rendition of "Celebration" and get to know each
other.
Patty: OK.
Sherry: The pieces are going into checkmate.
Patty: Let's start lovin'.
Palmer: You're fired.
Patty: What?
Palmer: Get out.
Bill Clinton: Hey, I could use you as an intern
in my office in
Jack: Hey Palmer, it's me, they're going to call
us after I've stopped talking. (bring) Hello?
Victor: Mr. Bauer, put Palmer on.
Palmer: Hello.
Jack: Oh $h!t. (throws it blows up) Wait, I left
Andre's phone in the van and...(BOOM) We need you to do me a big favor and play
dead.
Sherry: They won't vote for him as a corpse.
Palmer: They had Reagan for 8 years. (no offense
Republicans)
Jack: You killed Palmer, now let me come take
Kim's place.
Victor: We already made the mistake of taking her
duct tape off, well, come to the dock.
Alexis: Hey wait, I didn't get to die. Oh there
it goes. (dies)
Mason: Everybody, Palmer died, what can I say?
Oops, well, let's all go home and go to bed.
Kim: Thanks for taking the duct tape off my
mouth, could I get some coffee?
One inept guard: OK.
Kim: Could you bend forward, great.
Throws it at inept guard.
Kim: RUNAWAY RUNAWAY! (for old time's sake)
Andre: You'll drown.
Kim: No way, I missed the Wb tonight because of
you. (jumps in the water)
Mason: Hey, guess what? Palmer isn't dead.
Andre: Now what do we do? (phone rings) Hello.
Yelena: I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza
with some garlic bread.
Andre: Yel, this is Andre.
Nina: Oh sorry, you have one digit off the pizza
place and I didn't get that McMuffin eighteen hours ago, anyway, just thought
you should know that I, Jack's most loyal subjects, is the betrayer, not Mason,
Tony or Chappelle. And Palmer's playing dead for the girl. (to the audience)
How's that for a mind (expletive deleted)
10:59:57,
The
following takes place between
Kim: Thank god they used this easily broken rope
instead of handcuffs. Now I need rescue.
Trucker: Hey, move it!
Kim: What, no dramatic shoot-outs? No last minute
rescue by Rick?
Writers: Quiet, you.
Palmer: Don't tell anyone that I'm alive, you'll
kill an innocent girl.
Sherry: And?
Palmer: I see.
Highway Patrol: Kim's alive.
Mason: Neato.
Kim: Yeah, this trucker found me before a trained
group of terrorists could, and I managed to get to this Highway Patrol (who
actually took me seriously) in under five minutes.
Mason: I see.
Kim: They're going to kill my dad when he goes
back!
Mason: Don't worry, I'm sending in back up.
Kim: You fool, Fox won't allow that, it wouldn't
be dramatic enough.
Mason: Quiet, you.
Andre: We have Kim.
Jack: Prove it.
Andre: Palmer isn't dead. You lied to us!
Jack: I see. (Hangs up)
Andre: He's not coming. Let's leave.
Jack: There's a mole. But I know it's not you,
because the lead at
Yelena: Okay. By the way, where are you, and how
could someone easily kill you right now?
Jack: I gotta go.
Mike: You told the truth. You go, Palmer!
Palmer: Yeah, but I really screwed up my family
life.
Mike: I think this last day (looks at watch), I'm
sorry, this last 23 hours and 12 minutes, has been about finding out who you
really are.
TV: Palmer is alive, and the police have yet to
remove us from the scene of this explosion! How cool is that!
Palmer: YOU KEEP DEFYING ME!!!
Sherry: I AM protecting you.
Palmer: PROTECTING ME FROM WHAT?
Sherry: A plotline that ends before Jack's does.
Palmer: I see.
Yelena: Kim's alive.
Andre: Oh, well. Let's leave.
Victor: Quiet, you. (to YALENA) Teeell hieeeemm that
hoes daughter vies dead.
Yelena: I see. (phones JACK) Hey, Jack.
Jack: Why are you the only person at CTU who
knows this number?
Yelena: Umm, no reason. (reading from REVERSE
PSYCHOLOGY FOR MOLES) You should come back to CTU. Kim's dead.
Jack: Drops phone. (CRIES) Now, I could stay put
and call in massive amounts of backup since they no longer have my daughter, or
I could go in by myself. Now, which would be more dramatic? (LOADS GUNS,
BREAKES into VAN, PREPARES to WREAK REVENGE, by HIMSELF)
Andre: Hey, shouldn’t we be hidden or something?
Why are we standing out in the open?
Victor: Quiet, you.
Jack RAMS through wall with VAN, SHOOTS GUN,
KILLING five terrorists.
Drazens: Uh-oh.
JACK SHOOTS ANDRE.
VICTOR SHOOTS JACK.
Bullets fired at Jack: 4,673
Bullets that hit Jack: 1
Keeping your plot going at the expense of plausibility: Priceless.
Jack SHOOTS DRAZEN repeatedly
Victor: ‘Ties a flesh wound.
Jack: I shot you half a dozen times.
Victor: Coward! (DIES)
Palmer: Well, media, I’m not quite dead.
Mike: Go make up.
Sherry: Fine.
Mason: You’re safe now, Teri. Seriously. For real
this time. No more assassinations or car explosions or poorly planned
kidnappings or desperate plot devices.
Teri: (reading from “How to Idiotically Induce
Your Own Death At The Hands of A Mole In Your Husband’s Military Organization
Once the Audience has Been Lured into a False sense of Security So That There
Can Be Motivation For the Second Season”) What’s going on? I don’t understand.
And Why Is Nina briskly walking away to some undisclosed location?
Mason: Quiet, you.
Nina: (shoots worker) Hi, Teri. You’re safe. (Points
gun) Don’t leave.
Jack: I need to get my daughter’s body.
Coast Guard: We don’t have it.
Jack: Nina’s the mole!
Mason: Are you sure? She might have said “Kim is
fed” or “Kim is red”.
Sprint PCS guy: You should get Sprint PCS, the
nation’s only clear, wireless, digital network that will prevent you from
falsely assuming that your children are dead.
Jack: Quiet, you.
Palmer: I feel sorry for you. Go away.
Sherry: You don’t just walk away from me!
Palmer: Yes I do.
Sherry: I see.
Jack: Look, Nina killed Jamie!
Mason: But wouldn’t that mean that she was
involved while Gaines was still in control, thereby rendering most of her
actions inexplicable?
Writers: Quiet, you.
Nina: (SHOOTS various people, DRIVES away, SHOOTS
at Jack as he enters garage, CRASHES, surrenders) I was only doing my job.
Audience: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
Jack: Nah. We need to keep at least one villain
alive for next season.
Kim: I love you, daddy.
Jack: I love you, too. Where’s your mother?
Kim: She mysteriously disappeared shortly after
Nina did.
Jack FINDS Teri’s Body
Jack: I’m so sorry…
Forum Idiots: She’s not dead!
Jack: Quiet, you.
(silently)
The
following takes place between
Kim: RUNAWAY! RUNAWAY! Where's Rick?
Rick: On the island of forgotten plot lines, with
Mandy, Jonathan,
Trucker: Hey, you look like you've been kidnapped
and threatened in bad ways all day. Why don't we go down to your dad's office?
Kim: Hey Mason, I'm OK.
Mason: Super-dee-duper.
Nina: F***, I'm in trouble.
Jack: Let me speak to my daughter.
Andre: Yes. (voice goes into a high pitch) Hello
daddy, I'm still a bargaining cheep.
Jack: That's you.
Andre: Alright, well Palmer's alive.
Jack: Someone's dirty. Oh hi Nina, the one person
I can trust.
Nina: Yeah, your daughter died.
Jack: (to audience) This is for all you girls in
the forum. (cries) Why did the Drazens fill this van with ammo?
Andre: Why are we just hanging around here,
shouldn't we be doing something like kill Palmer.
Victor: Oh yeah, better put that on my to do
leeezt. I think we can handle one little bunny.
Andre: What?
Jack crashes van into port.
Andre and Victor: RUNAWAY! RUNAWAY!
Jack: Die you not as charismatic as Gaines
Serbian jerks!
Chase ensues, Jack keeps shooting, hits Andre.
Andre: Ow!
Victor shoots Jack.
Jack: Considering how many gunfights, car chases,
rescues, I've been in today, it's odd my first injury happens in the 11th hour.
Audience: 23rd!
Victor: Now I get to keeeell you. (gun clicks) Oh
$#!t.
Jack: This one's for my wife, and my daughter
this one is for making me not sleep all day. This one is for taking out the
better villain with eleven hours to go. This one is for your accent.
Victor: I think I'm getting better. (dies)
Palmer: don't tell anyone I'm alive.
Sherry: Hey everybody, my husband's alive!
Palmer: I don't want to see you again.
Sherry: Oh yeah, you can't walk away from me.
Palmer: Watch.
I am a good man.
Sherry: (horns pop out and voice drops to evil
level) OK Palmer, you win this round. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Jack: I heard you found a girl in the water today.
Coast guard: No.
Jack: I know it was Nina. (kisses coast guard) She
broke my heart, she broke my heart.
Teri: Hi Nina, I saw you getting all nervous and
sweaty when they said Jack would be safe and reveal who the real bad guy was. I was just wandering around a high security
government office without any guards coming by and just wanted to say, what's
that.
Nina: I'm going to have to take you hostage, tie
you up and gag you and kill you for some reason.
Palmer: You know that whole me being dead thing,
well, sorry, my bad.
Jack: Give a Crispy Chicken value meal with a
coke and for God's sake hurry!
Milo-substitute: Hey Jack check out this video.
Jack: It's Nina and Jamey in the room that was
supposed to not have video links. Eww! Blood, I'm eating here.
Nina runs away, shooting everything that walks.
Jack comes in shoots car, she crashes.
Nina: You don't want to kill me, it'll be bad for
next season.
Jack: Oh yeah. Where's my wife. (runs around
office, opens door, finds Teri dead)
Kyle: Oh my God, they killed Teri.
Stan: You b-------.
Forum idiot #1: It was a miscarriage.
Forum idiot #2: She could make it.
Forum idiot #3: It was an alien baby and it
crawled out.
Jack: Will you shut up! (takes a bite into
chicken sandwich) Oh this is so good.
11:59:57,