"RIGHT NOW, TERRORISTS ARE PLOTTING TO ASSASSINATE A
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER HAVE BEEN TARGETED, AND PEOPLE
THAT I WORK WITH, MAY BE INVOLVED IN BOTH, I'M FEDERAL AGENT JACK BAUER, AND
TODAY IS GOING TO BE THE LONGEST DAY OF MY LIFE."
The
following takes place between
Kim: Thank god they used this easily broken rope
instead of handcuffs. Now I need rescue.
Trucker: Hey, move it!
Kim: What, no dramatic shoot-outs? No last minute
rescue by Rick?
Writers: Quiet, you.
Palmer: Don't tell anyone that I'm alive, you'll
kill an innocent girl.
Sherry: And?
Palmer: I see.
Highway Patrol: Kim's alive.
Mason: Neato.
Kim: Yeah, this trucker found me before a trained
group of terrorists could, and I managed to get to this Highway Patrol (who
actually took me seriously) in under five minutes.
Mason: I see.
Kim: They're going to kill my dad when he goes
back!
Mason: Don't worry, I'm sending in back up.
Kim: You fool, Fox won't allow that, it wouldn't
be dramatic enough.
Mason: Quiet, you.
Andre: We have Kim.
Jack: Prove it.
Andre: Palmer isn't dead. You lied to us!
Jack: I see. (Hangs up)
Andre: He's not coming. Let's leave.
Jack: There's a mole. But I know it's not you,
because the lead at
Yelena: Okay. By the way, where are you, and how
could someone easily kill you right now?
Jack: I gotta go.
Mike: You told the truth. You go, Palmer!
Palmer: Yeah, but I really screwed up my family
life.
Mike: I think this last day (looks at watch), I'm
sorry, this last 23 hours and 12 minutes, has been about finding out who you
really are.
TV: Palmer is alive, and the police have yet to
remove us from the scene of this explosion! How cool is that!
Palmer: YOU KEEP DEFYING ME!!!
Sherry: I AM protecting you.
Palmer: PROTECTING ME FROM WHAT?
Sherry: A plotline that ends before Jack's does.
Palmer: I see.
Yelena: Kim's alive.
Andre: Oh, well. Let's leave.
Victor: Quiet, you. (to YALENA) Teeell hieeeemm that
hoes daughter vies dead.
Yelena: I see. (phones JACK) Hey, Jack.
Jack: Why are you the only person at CTU who
knows this number?
Yelena: Umm, no reason. (reading from REVERSE
PSYCHOLOGY FOR MOLES) You should come back to CTU. Kim's dead.
Jack: Drops phone. (CRIES) Now, I could stay put
and call in massive amounts of backup since they no longer have my daughter, or
I could go in by myself. Now, which would be more dramatic? (LOADS GUNS,
BREAKES into VAN, PREPARES to WREAK REVENGE, by HIMSELF)
Andre: Hey, shouldn’t we be hidden or something?
Why are we standing out in the open?
Victor: Quiet, you.
Jack RAMS through wall with VAN, SHOOTS GUN,
KILLING five terrorists.
Drazens: Uh-oh.
JACK SHOOTS ANDRE.
VICTOR SHOOTS JACK.
Bullets fired at Jack: 4,673
Bullets that hit Jack: 1
Keeping your plot going at the expense of plausibility: Priceless.
Jack SHOOTS DRAZEN repeatedly
Victor: ‘Ties a flesh wound.
Jack: I shot you half a dozen times.
Victor: Coward! (DIES)
Palmer: Well, media, I’m not quite dead.
Mike: Go make up.
Sherry: Fine.
Mason: You’re safe now, Teri. Seriously. For real
this time. No more assassinations or car explosions or poorly planned
kidnappings or desperate plot devices.
Teri: (reading from “How to Idiotically Induce
Your Own Death At The Hands of A Mole In Your Husband’s Military Organization
Once the Audience has Been Lured into a False sense of Security So That There
Can Be Motivation For the Second Season”) What’s going on? I don’t understand.
And Why Is Nina briskly walking away to some undisclosed location?
Mason: Quiet, you.
Nina: (shoots worker) Hi, Teri. You’re safe. (Points
gun) Don’t leave.
Jack: I need to get my daughter’s body.
Coast Guard: We don’t have it.
Jack: Nina’s the mole!
Mason: Are you sure? She might have said “Kim is
fed” or “Kim is red”.
Sprint PCS guy: You should get Sprint PCS, the
nation’s only clear, wireless, digital network that will prevent you from
falsely assuming that your children are dead.
Jack: Quiet, you.
Palmer: I feel sorry for you. Go away.
Sherry: You don’t just walk away from me!
Palmer: Yes I do.
Sherry: I see.
Jack: Look, Nina killed Jamie!
Mason: But wouldn’t that mean that she was
involved while Gaines was still in control, thereby rendering most of her
actions inexplicable?
Writers: Quiet, you.
Nina: (SHOOTS various people, DRIVES away, SHOOTS
at Jack as he enters garage, CRASHES, surrenders) I was only doing my job.
Audience: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
Jack: Nah. We need to keep at least one villain
alive for next season.
Kim: I love you, daddy.
Jack: I love you, too. Where’s your mother?
Kim: She mysteriously disappeared shortly after
Nina did.
Jack FINDS Teri’s Body
Jack: I’m so sorry…
Forum Idiots: She’s not dead!
Jack: Quiet, you.
(silently)