Kiefer voice over: Right now...terrorists are
plotting to detonate a nuclear bomb-
Crap, I’m not supposed to say that for a couple hours!
The following takes place between
Kim: Megan!!!!!!!!
Kim haters: Shut up!
Elishaians: WOO!!!
Kim: Have you seen a little girl? 9? Blonde hair?
Policeman: Yeah, we see a lot of those here.
Captain Pervert: Hey easy there guys, OW! I want you to OW find this girl. Her
name is OW Kim Bauer.
Medical assistant: Hee! You got beaten up by a GIRL!
Tony: Hey, Mason. You should go to this place in
Mason: Why?
Tony: Oh, no reason (besides having you get exposed to plutonium and die, thus
making ME head of CTU! Muhahaha!)
Mason: What?
Tony: Nothing.
Lynne: Hey, can we cut you out of the show for 50 minutes?
David: Sure.
Lynne: Oh, and by the way, here’s more info on the bomb.
Kim: Megan!!!!!!!!!
Kim haters: Shut the !#$%&* up!!
Kim: *sees Megan being “traded” MEGAN!!!!!!
*Kim dashes through the street like a crazed jay walker*
Kim: Outta the way, punks!!!
*Kim scares away those hooligans. Elishaians cheer
and fire pistols into the air*.
Chris: No one said you had to be here, Jack.
Eddie: What do you mean, Chris?
Translator: He says: “I’m Dave #2.”
*Jack’s phone rings. Everyone stares*
Jack: Yeah....what’s up?
Kim: Um, yeah...dad, it’s me...like...um...
Jack: Yeah, you like your phone, don’t you sweetie? I know that.
Kim: Dad, don’t role-play with me now. I’m too old for that.
Jack: Just do something for me once, okay?
Kim: Riiiiiiiiiiight....
Kim: Tony, it’s me! Like, wtf is up with my dad?
Tony: I don’t speak your language, Kim. Besides, the phone lines are dead.
Eddie: Hey, Jack why don’t you go up the road so you can use your phone while
I’m not looking?
Jack: Sounds good!
*goes up road*
Jack: Don’t put me on hold!
*gets put on hold...soothing elevator music plays*
Lynne: Hello?
Jack: Yeah, CTU is going to be blown up within the hour.
Lynne: Is this the nuclear bomb?
Jack: No, it’s not the nuke!
*Nuke counter clicks 1*
Lynne: Eric, CTU is going to be bombed.
Rayburn: Hmmmm...let’s let
them die.
Lynne: No...we have to tell the president NOW.
Rayburn: And we WILL...but only when he’s in a position to hear it.
Lynne: Could someone tell me what the hell he’s getting at?
Translator: Sure. He says, “I’m Sherry #2 and I’m ready to be a
b!tch'n.”
Phone repair guy: Who are you?
*Eddie shoots the white guy rather than the black guy. Fox’s racial diversity
grade goes up 1 point!*
Eddie: Wanna live,
Sherry #2: Hey, I hear you’re the big man on campus now, Almeida...
Tony: *gloating* Why yes...yes, I am.
Sherry #2: Yeah, well...anyway, I need you to transfer your info by
Tony: Hmm...by 11. Don’t plot twists always occur at
the end of the hour? Sounds suspicious, Eric...
Sherry #2: ......Just do it, Tony!
Tony: Paula, I need you to encrypt these files.
Paula: Oh, okay. So, like...should I put the alpha on the beta or the beta on
the alpha because I wasn’t sure if-
Tony: Just do it, Paula.
Paula: Ok.
Michelle: Doesn’t all of this sound weird to you?
Tony: Congratulations, Michelle! You’ve just earned your first “CTU awareness”
star! *pins a gold star on her blouse*
Michelle: YAY!
Meanwhile in good ‘ole
*Mason arrives at the scene. Everyone bows to him*
LAPD: Sir!
Mason: Heh, I love being the quarterback all the
time.
LAPD: Damn, we can’t get this door open! We’re gonna
need a hacksaw.
Mason: Wtf is this?
*“Exorcist” style music plays*
Mason: Oooooooh...what does THIS green glow do?
*Mason walks up to the green glow like a kid in a candy store, shooting ensues,
plutonium falls, Mason looks at radioactive sign*
Cop: Hehe, not so hot now, are ya
Mason?
Mason: Yeah, yeah...just get out of the frigg’n
building...and send a clean-up squad.
Megan: Does your mom cry a lot?
Kim: I don’t have a mom.
Megan: Where is she?
Kim: She was dyed.
Megan: Oh.
Security guard: Man, I’m bored
*
Security guard: Okay, yeah...I’m gonna check the
back.
Eddie: It’s a big job.
Security guard: Uh...yeah. Whatever...you can pass.
Jack: ........
Marie: So, is Ralph your new boyfriend?
Kate: (Won’t you ever shut up?)
Ralph: I hate to be such a hardass, but you’re going
to have to be a little more cautious because we just found out that Reza has
had connections with Ali.
Kate: !#$%&
*Marie and Reza hold each others bellies*
Kate: Get away from me, you weirdos!
Marie: *losing accent* Kate, why are you acting so weird?!
Kate: Ummm...uhhh..because you’re...my little sister!
Marie: Awww...
*both hug and embrace. Kate sighs*
Lynne: Jenny, where were you?
Jenny: At the conference...
Lynne: Pssh...well I have
NEEDS, Jenny.
Jenny: I’m sorry, Ma’am. I don’t understand.
Translator: She says: “Hi, I’m Mason’s long lost wife.”
Jenny: Translator, I think you’ve lost it.
*Rayburn makes evil looks in the background*
Back at CTU...
*“heart beat music” plays, Jack pretends to do stuff, and
*Eddie and the gang go up the elevator of impending doom. Dave goes inside the
room wear Terry dyed*
back in
Mason: This is the lab where they assembled the nuke.
*Nuke counter clicks 2*
Tony: Can I keep asking you questions while you strip?
Mason: ....
Tony: Are you okay, George?
Mason: Yeah, fine. Just fine.
*WARNING: CHILDREN, COVER YOUR EYES*
*Mason takes off his boxers*
Mason: You’re not gonna even buy me dinner?
Worker: ......
*Mason gets hosed*
Michelle: Paula, are you alright?
Paula: Yeah. (no.)
Michelle: Really?
Paula: Yeah. (no.)
Michelle: You’re sure?
Paula: YES. (NO.)
*Eddie sets up the bomb*
Jack: Not this season- er, I mean today.
Jack: I’m a government agent.
Cartman: You ba$tards!
*
Eddie: What happened?
Jack: He attacked me!
Dave #2: I don’t trust this guy! *attacks Jack*
Eddie: GET IN THE VAN!
Kim: I’m here to see Tony Almeida.
Security guard: Oh yeah...sure...whatever....uh, yeah. Come right in.
Megan: Where are we?
Kim: Don’t worry. We’re safe here.
Anyone who has watched the first season: HAHAHAHAHA!
Lynne: Don’t play hardball with ME! I’M the one with the authority. The
president was supposed to call ME the VERY MINUTE-
*Palmer walks in*
Lynne: *to Rayburn* YOU did it, didn’t you?
Sherry #2: Hee, hee, hee!
David: What’s up?
Lynne: They’re gonna blow up CTU.
*Palmer gives a look at Rayburn*
Sherry #2: ...We can’t do anything. Wald’s group is
the only source for finding the nuke.
*Nuke counter clicks 3*
Sherry #2: Don’t worry. Besides, we’d just lose a couple of extras in the show,
anyway.
Palmer: !#$%&*
Tony: You KNEW about the bomb, didn’t you?
Lynne: ....Shut up. Just get out of there.
*Tony sees Paula, who is still in StripperMason’s
office and runs up there*
Paula: Oooooh...what does THIS keyboard button do?
Tony: Get the freak out of there!!! Wtf are you
doing!?!?
Paula: Oh...I’m just switching the files so that we can encrypt the code and-
Tony: This is your life we’re talking about here, Paula. BACK AWAY FROM THE
SCREEN!
*Tony drags Paula out of there.
Tbfers: YAY, TONY!!!
*CTU blows up*
Sherry #2: We’re too late...CTU has just been hit.
David: ...You do know that when I see my wife later today, (time unconfirmed)
I’m going to smack you both against a wall?
Sherry #2: Of course.
*Split screen: Palmer is pissed, Kim and Megan are in trauma, and Jack is
horrified. The screen focuses on StripperMason...*
Mason: So, what are the results?
Field analyzer: Well...you inhaled plutonium...
Mason: So?
Field analyzer: ...It’s lethal.
Mason: And...?
Field analyzer: You’ll die within this week...
Mason: Yeah, and your point is?
Translator: “If Mason goes bye-bye, then Xander=Out
of job.”
Mason: Oh, crap.
10:
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-L.D. ("I don't work for you."-Lyynne Kretzy)