Kiefer: The following takes place between some time in the day and some other time in the day (don't worry. I'll tell you when it's night time, folks) on a day not important enough to deserve a title.
CHP Officer: So, you're trying to tell me that it's just a coincidence that I find you 50 miles out of LA driving your boss' car, with his daughter in it, along with her dead mother inside the truck?
Kim: It's not my fault! The writers told me to!
Other officer: Don't you care where you your mommy is, little girl?
Megan: No, I'm just going to stand here against the car and look the other way with my arms folded.
Other officer: Why?
Megan: Because the director told me to!
Marie: See how much more tame I am without Kate?
Tony: Yes, we see. Hey, Michelle, what’s going on?
Michelle: A lot of people were dyed.
Tony: ...And Paula?
Michelle: ....
Tony: What the hell is that supposed to mean? She’s alyve?
Roger: Lynne, are you okay with Sherry’s executive privileges?
Lynne: Hell no! She’s acting like a total b!tch...
Roger: Yes, well... *suddenly stares at Lynne and makes a weg*
Lynne: Ewww! Get away from me, pervert!
Sherry: I uh...just got off the phone. What’s going on with Ron Weiland?
David: He’s going to report on the rumor.
Sherry: About the bomb?
David: What other rumor do you think it could be!?
Sherry: Let me talk to him. I’d make it worth his while not to say anything...
David: What’s that supposed to mean??? You’re going to have sex with him? ...Well, that would do the trick.
Megan: *fake crying* I’m scared, Kim!
Kim: *faking the whole thing* Everything is going to be okay, Megan!
Nina: *whining furiously* I HAVE A PARDON FROM THE PRESIDENT!!!! YOU CAN’T DO THIS! *sniff* WAHHH! *tear*
Jack: Let me give her some warm milk. Trust me. I know her.
Agent Paulson look-a-like: Step away from the car, Bauer!
Jack: You think you’re so macho by saying that one line? That’s sad...
Kate: Where’s Ralph???
PI guy: Why?
Kate: I think I’ve developed feelings for him...
Sherry: *singing to a mambo* I’m-in-a-re-stric-ted-ar-ea! I’m-in-a-re-stric-ted-ar-ea!
Roger: Mrs. Palmer...you must excuse my surprise...
Sherry: No need to be surprised. Now get out of my terror-tory...er..territory.
Roger: I’m sorry. It’s just that we need to be careful about the flow of information..
Sherry: Oh...I’m sure you’re careful about the flow of information...everyday...
Roger: Are you coming on to me, Mrs. Palmer?
Sherry: (Men...what idiots!)
Ron: Are you coming on to me, Mrs. Palmer?
Sherry: Look, just because this scene involves close-ups doesn’t mean that I’m coming on to you, Ron!
Terrorists: Alakalalakakak!
*tire goes flat*
Terrorists: Alaaaaaaaaaak!
Multicultural basketball gang: Yeah! Come on! Whoa! Nice shot!
Arab Mr. Clean: *sniff* *tear* They make me so proud!
Craig-from-Malcolm in the Middle-look-alike: Heyyy! Need some help?
Terrorist that can actually speak English: Uh...yeah!
Nina: Alakalakalakakalalak!
Audience: Stop alaking!
Nina: Jack, what are we going to do?
Jack: Are you coming on to me, Nina?
Nina: (Men, what idiots!) No...
Jack: Then go back to your seat!
Arab-Mr. Clean: *sniff* *tear* They’d make such a good basketball team! Do we HAVE to blow up LA?
CHP officer: You know, you have quite an imagination...
Kim: Lemme guess...Melanie told you that. Look, don’t listen to her! She just think that I took her boyfriend, Rick...
David: That will be all, Sherry.
Sherry: Dayyvid...I know that I was caught up in the powwa...
David: Why are you speaking like a minister, Sherry?
Sherry: ....Just let me help you, David.
David: Fine, but I promise absolutely nothing in return.
*Sherry slips her jacket over her shoulder in a seductive manner*
David: ...And coming on to me isn’t going to help, either. This isn’t "Boston Public," Sherry. We deal with terrorists here...not scandals.
Arab Mr. Clean: *sniff* *tear* They’d be better than the Clippers! Honestly!
Terrorist that can actually speak English: Hey, you just dissed my favorite team! *shoots Arab Mr. Clean*
*Arab Mr. Clean somehow fights back with his amazing "Mr. Clean" powers and kills Terrorist that can actually speak English just before he is dyed*
The New "Malcolm Caught in the Middle": Hmmm...maybe this so-called "gun" will help me. *drives away*
PI Guy: Look at me! I can do all of this cool computer stuff! I’m so cool!
Kate: Yeah...but you’re still not as hot as Ralph.
Bob: I am a patriot, Agent Almeida!
Tony: Yeah...so? We’re all patriots here!
Bob: Oh? So you all are affiliated with Second Wave, then?
Tony: Warner’s clean.
Mason: Well, then Reza is lying...
*Reza and Marie are yaking the background*
Reza: So, what are we going to do tomorrow night, Marie?
Marie: Same thing we do every night, Reza...try and take over Los Angeles!
Choir: They’re Reza, they’re Reza, and the Marie, Marie, Marie, Marie, Marie!
Nina: Alalakakak...
Michelle: Nina-...
Kim: Omg, dad. Help me!
Jack: Mason, can you handle this?
Mason: Yeah...sure...whatever.
Kim: Dad, I need you here now!
Nina: Alakalalakalak...
Michelle: Nina-...
18-49 demographic: Whoa, this 5-way convo stuff kiss major a$$!
50 and above: I have a headache! I’m watching "Becker!"
*Nina stabs Mahmud. Blood splatters all over*
Jack: Dammit, Nina! You got ketchup all over him!
Nina: I KNOW WHERE THE BOMB IS! Take me to San Diego...
Jack: Okay, but we’re not going to Sea World. Got it?
Nina: Got it.
Mason: *strangling Reza* WHO IS MARKO?!?!?
Reza: You’re mad, I tell you! Mad! *makes hand waving gestures*
Marie: Honey, you got it all wrong...it’s "insane!" And you don’t wave your hands. You make finger twirls.
Kim: There’s a nuclear bomb in LA...
CHP officer: Okay, let me bring out the "Mass Hysteria Counter" again. Then, we’ll transfer you.
Tony: Where did you get that scar from?
Michelle: Oh no...it’s someone else’s blood.
Forum: THAT’S A FORESHADOWING THAT MICHELLE’S THE MOLE!!!!!!!!
General Audience: ................
David: How the hell did Ron get out?
Armiss: *whistling* Don’t look at me...
Roger: *whisting* Don’t look at me...
Mike: *whistling* Don’t look at me...
Lynne: Look at me. Please. I could attract more 18-49 year old males!
Kate: I just don’t understand any of this...
PI guy: Neither do I...but hey, I know Agent Almeida pretty well...he could hook us up and-
*PI guy gets beaten up, while Kate gets injected with syrum from the 2 men behind them*
Kate: Mmmm...it feels like peanut butter and jelly.
Jack: That was a gift...Teri, my wife. That’s what you took from this world, Nina. That’s what you took from me and my daughter. ....I just wanted you to know that.
Audience: *sniff* *tear*
*plane goes boom*
Nit-picky Audience: Pssh...I can’t believe they ruined that dramatic scene with that stupid plane model.
Announcer: 3 weeks from tonight...
Nit-picky Audience: !#$%&* Screw, the model! I want my "24!" WAHHH! *sniff* *tear*
Jack: Here, drink some warm milk.
3:00:58...3:00:59...3:01:00