Due to some cool violence,
parental discretion is advised, so when the violent scenes come up, we’ll warn
you to get the kids in the room when they happen.
The following takes place between
CTU Agent: Here Syed. (Whistles)
Come ‘ere boy.
Imam: What’s going on?
Jack: There’s a bomb in LA.
'PEOPLE WHO KNOW ABOUT THE BOMB'
TALLY CLICKS TO 1325.
CTU Agent: Hey check out this
trap door.
Syed: Marie, I won’t be able to
make it to the nuke party.
Marie: Syed, this is
bulls#!+! We’ve been planning this for
two years and all of a sudden you decide to not show up? You didn’t even RSVP. That’s IN-SANE!
Jack whacks Syed with a baton.
Kate: That is Syed Ali!
Jack: OK (reaches into mouth to
get cyanide capsule, gets bitten, bleeds) Got the capsule.
CTU Agent: You’re bleeding pretty
badly.
Jack: No check this out. (Hand
miraculously heals itself and the blood is dried.)
CTU Agent: Cool.
BubWarner: Marie, when her mother
died, ran away for a few weeks, came back and stopped being so active in her
political choices.
Mason: Marie being political, now
that’s harder to swallow than her being a terrorist.
Michelle: We found this piece of
paper on the burn victim.
Mason: Get
Michelle:
Mason: Why not?
Michelle (whispers:) He’s on
another TV show.
Mason: Oh, well here’s his
replacement, who set up all his equipment in a bombed out building in about ten
minutes. Tony, stop looking for Kim.
Tony: Look do you want her crappy
subplot to end or have it continue?
Mason: We need to find the bomb!
Kim struggles in the trap. A hunter guy walks towards her. “Dueling Banjos” starts.
McRae: Dear Jesus, instead of
finding dinner in my traps, could I find a hot chick with a bad plot whose
story I may help out? (Sees Kim) Hallelujah!
Kim: Could you get me out of this
trap?
McRae: Sure (Pulls one rope,
frees Kim)
Kim: Wow that was actually easy,
good thing no one saw that, people might think I was dumb or something.
McRae: How about we go down to my
house. It’s half a mile away, but it’ll
take us over forty minutes to get there.
Jack: Imam, could you talk to Ali
to show the audience that not all Middle Eastern people are bad.
Imam: Sure. (To Ali) Syed, please
don’t blow us up.
Ali: No.
Imam: (shrugs) I tried.
Jack: What was the last number
dialed on Ali’s phone?
CTU Agent: 555-0123.
Kate: That’s my sister.
Jack: Wow, she’s a dumb
terrorist. Why would she carry the same
phone to talk to you and Ali? (Kate gives her an ugly look) OK, let’s give her
a call.
Kate: Hi Marie, kill anyone
lately?
Marie: You don’t understand. I’m on a mission.
Murdoch: We found this letter and
a number on the piece of paper; “N34.” I
don’t know what it means.
Tony: A cheap version of a
Nintendo gaming system?
Jack: Ali, WHO ARE YOU WORKING
FOR?
Ali: I’m the mastermind of this
thing, so far.
Jack: Oh I guess that doesn’t
work. Um, check this video feed.
Ali: Spiderman’s holding my
family hostage?
Jack: Hey, (to guys running to
live feed) cut out the special effects guys.
(Phone rings) Hello.
Palmer: I can’t let you do this.
Jack: OK Mr. President….uh
huh….with a dull rusty spoon…nice touch Mr. President…Start with the pinky….OK…Good
bye Mr. President.
Lynne: I don’t trust Sherry.
Mike: We know that, we’re just
amping it up for the first cat fight.
Lynne: I have to go meet a
mysterious contact whom I won’t mention and won’t arouse suspicion in you
despite the fact that people in the administration are bringing Palmer down.
Mike: Sure thing, could you stop
by Domino’s? I’m dying for some
pepperoni.
Jack: WHERE’S THE BOMB? TELL ME OR I WILL KILL AHSAD! (Pause) DO IT!
Soldier’s foot accidentally goes
through the boy’s torso, and the chair is tipped over through a visible rope
attached to the chair. The soldier
shoots.
Viewer #1: OMG this is too
violent. I mean the 68 deaths before
this one were nothing, but this has gone too far.
Lynne: Hmm suspicious meeting
place with a mystery informant. Nothing
to be worried about here.
Sherry: Like my new outfit. See, you broads go stickin’ your noses in
places where they don’t belong see.
Lynne: Stop talking like you’re
in a 40s film noir.
Sherry: OK, but I’m going to be mysterious
so it looks like I may be good, but that’ll make you even madder.
Lynne: Well I’m going to be the
good female character with a bigger role in the overall plot and not bend for
you!
Jack: Kill the other one.
Syed: No Yoda, don’t kill my
other son; the bomb is at Norton airfield.
Jack: Take him away.
Kate: You b@stard, I can’t
believe you did that.
Jack: Why is a civilian hanging
out in the middle of government proceedings?
Anyway, check out the video feed.
Kate: So the kids are safe, but
who’s the dead guy? (Pause) Simon?
Simon: That bullet’s delivery was
lame, the splatter wasn’t good at all.
You call yourself an assassin?
Marie: Hey Omar, glad to see your
plot hole resolved.
Omar: Glad to see you too, now
let’s check the bomb. (Clicking noises)
OK it’s set, now take off that stupid wig!
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