March 8 Grozny: The day dawned so clear and bright that it hardly seemed the kind of day for the slaughter that would follow. However the entire army of Lucentia, of general Santa Matta, and contingents from Djafra, Prissia and Plutonia showed up (less much of the cavalry which was slowed by the desert). The Holy Alliance fielded 40 regiments of infantry, 30 companies of skirmishers, 8 regiments of cavalry, and some 20 batteries of artillery. The enemy fielded 35 regiments of infantry as well, 20 companies of skirmishers, 9 regiments of cavalry, and about 15 batteries of artillery.

Prior to the start of the engagements the opponents also showed themselves to be quite polite. The Czarina Teresa gave the Djafran leader a horses head politely draped across his cot as is the Djafran custom. During the battle she also liberally gave these to her generals to encourage them as well. The only puzzling item being Vallye's continual complaint that he lacked horses.

The Prissian ambassador had spent the previous evening with the Czar in an attempt to settle things without bloodshed. However the Czar was in his cups (there being several bottles of Pertsovka around) and our good ambassador was actually unable to determine what things needed to be settled other than some long standing score against King Atat. Valleye was busy assembling his army and little could dissuade him from using it the next day.

In the morning the Holy Alliance army stood before Grozny with the River to its left, then the fortified capitol, then a hill on which works had been built, then woods on the right. The Lucentian contingent was deployed on the left of the allied line, followed by the forces of Santa Matta, the Prissian contingent was in reserve, the Plutonians came next, then the Djafarans and finally most of the skirmish infantry from all armies was deployed in the woods to the right. The overall command descended on an aged Lucentian general with a little bit too much blood lust to actually have much of a battle plan other than kill the bastards.

The entire allied line surged forward and the first blood was exchanged between the Lucentians and a brigade of Zapadslavian Reservists who had deployed forward of the capitol. The Luentians routed them handily but were then thrown back by Zapadslavian Cavalry as they tried to cross the stream. At this point the battle before the capitol became a see-saw fight for the plain in front of the city. The forces of General Santa Matta slowly advanced against the hill and the enemy retired on his works. The Plutonians also similarly advanced. In the words a very messy skirmish was developing that our troops were slowly getting the edge on. Most of the Djafran regulars moved into reserve behind the Plutonians.

As the Plutonians reached the road running east of the capitol, the enemy threw in his cavalry reserves. This with an infantry attack on the supporting guns routed an entire Plutonian brigade. The allied cavalry reserve then was thrown into the fray to redress the balance. The Zapadslavan guard brigade then advanced and was stopped at the cost of another Plutonian Brigade. However the reserves of both the Prissian contingent and the Djafran Regulars were untouched and in position to withstand whatever Vallye threw at them. Twice the cavalry might have bought him more time to withdraw, but it would not have won the battle.

At this point Czar Vallye decided that he had had enough and attempted to evacuate the remainder of his forces onto the hill in the center. The fight in the woods was lost and skirmishers were beginning to stream into his rear areas. The Prissian contingent, the remaining Plutonians, and the Djafran regulars then advanced into a position to assault the hill from the east while Santa Matta's troops threw assaults at the front. In particularly desperate fighting with the Czar and Czarina themselves leading the defense, the hill top was eventually cleared by the Holy Alliance and the Zapadslavan hoards chase back into the capitol.

Even as his shattered army pulled back into the capitol city the Czar must have realized that further resistance was useless and he surrendered to the Holy Alliance. The tribunal was short and swift the Czar must be exiled to a distant land and the loaded him on ship for one of his distant plantations in someplace called Raleigh. He was not forced to abdicate just to live far away from the rest of us. The length of his exile was not determined, but he was told that he could make visits back to the continent as convenient.

The Continental Environmental Protection Agency has required the use of the international symbol for biohazard on several Plutonian regimental flags. Citing the excessive use of garlic, beans, and onions in the diet, a general uncleanlyness in the camp, and the general pride in transmitting sexual diseases as reasons for the ruling. The Plutonian ambassador was cited as only saying in a dejected voice, "All Right".

Veikanger-Designers here shocked the world when they revealed their latest fashions statement Cheese headgear from the Moronvian fashion capitol. Citing the acute overabundance of the curdled substance as the inspiration for the design, designers figure to clean up since once worn to a party it would be consumed for snack food and need to be repurchased.

The following is the second monthly excerpt from the diary of Ramos Sharti the western correspondent for the Purient Filibuster and his adventures in the new world. Note: that in last month's installment a new type clerk mistakenly set some editorial comments, we apologize profusely for this error and are sorry if this in any way incovieniced any of our readers. The responsible person has been sacked (and the sack thrown into the river with a heavy stone tied to it. Just kidding. He He, ed.).

June 8, 1759: At Sea.

The captain has decided to use me as his clerk and take inventory of the supplies and equipment on board. My hand is too cramped to write much more than this.

June 9, 1759: At Sea.

Continued as Captain's clerk, spent most of the day measuring things.

June 10, 1759: At Sea.

Dear Diary,

I will have to stop writing here at least for a time. I am too weak to do more than sleep when I get off helping the Captain.

June 14, 1759: At Sea.

Our first sailor died today. He was an older man who could not take the strain. I well understand it the thirst is terrible and the constant bellyache unendurable.

June 18, 1759: At Sea.

The Captain says we will sight land tomorrow and showed me the signs that land is near to prove it. He pointed out a twig floating on the water. Wonderful news.

June 19, 1759: At Sea.

Sighted land at last. Three sailors have died during the rationing. The Captain celebrated its end by passing out full rations to all hands. Much of the officers and me meal came from the private stock that Sam had laid in for me. The Captain had confiscated this after the storm with me blessing and by me suggestion used it for this meal. I have formed a great bond with these men and sharing me food seems a small price.

June 20, 1759: Philadelphia.

Dear Diary,

We have made land at last. If I could survive this voyage the one home will be simple. The Captain has told me repairs will take some time (several weeks at the least). He has told me that supply ships for Quebec are probably leaving from New York or Boston if I would care to get there sooner than the HMS Incontinent. I have a thought to contact the printers here about and enquire of them their ideas. They should have a much more recent picture of activities than those from England. Also, since I am to interview the general I can probably coerce some extra money by free lancing a little and selling them copies of the interview.

June 21, 1759: Philadelphia.

I spent most of today with this a local editor named Ben. He told me I was a fool to go by sea when the way by land was so open. It seems that General Amherst's army is to march up the Hudson river to contact Wolf. He has also told me he personally is more interested in stories about Amherst move since that is where most of the colonial troops are. Even if Amherst and Wolf haven't linked up, he says it is but a short jog through the woods to get there. As he describes it a mere walk through the Garden of Eden. He has given me the name of a guide who will see me safely through; one Natty Bumpo. As a contingency he has told me I may contact an officer of Rangers named Rogers for further recommendations. It seems that Ben was instrumental in keeping his name of the papers some years back over an incident with an 16 year old girl.

Then Ben and Fonbone (who is still very clean and almost appears human) had a conversation about folklore. Ben kept asking for Belgyn sayings in order to get a feel of the Belgyn frame of mind. There were some really strange ideas which Fonbone passed on that even I thought were worth noting:

An apple a day is pretty unlikely when you live in the swamp.

A musket loaded with buck and ball keeps the doctor away (and most other unwanted visitors as well).

A grommet saved is a grommet that generally falls between the cracks in the floor and sinks into the muck where it is lost forever.

The barmaid at "the Muck and Mire" plays hard to get and is definitely a Penni which must be earned.

Early to bed and early to rise generally means the occupant has Cholera so you better set his house afire while he's asleep.

Even moving out of Belgym to Zapodslava makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise (relatively speaking of course).

June 22, 1759: Philadelphia.

I spent today preparing for me trip to New York. I had lunch again with Ben and said goodbye. Ben had many suggestions as to the equipment I should need to survive in the American wilderness and I purchased all sorts of goodies. I bought a Pennsylvania rifle. Most of them were too long, but with the war fever going a shorter version was available. I also bought a canvass tent and wilderness clothing so I would look a proper "Coeur de Bois" as Ben put it. Fonebone is similarly equipped except of course he can't be trusted with a gun (he might hurt himself).

June 23, 1759: the Colonies.

What strange customs these Colonist have. It seems that they don't treat bond servants as property, but as people. It was a hot day and Fonebone's clean period has well begun to rub off, if you understand what I mean or as the Belgyns say you can take a man out of the swamp, but you can't take the swamp out of the man. We were forced to ride in the coach with Fonebone it cost a full fare as well. What was even stranger was that one of the passengers was taking an influential Indian Chieftain to New York to talk with officials there about making sure his tribe wouldn't fight on the wrong side and he was tied atop the coach as Fonebone should have been. Fonebone, however, only lasted until the lunch break when all the passengers insisted he be placed on top as I suggested at the start. The coachman taking pity on him at first let him ride next to him, but this soon changed and Fonebone was tied on next to the Indian. However, the Indian complained and he had to be moved again to the other side of the coach. There must not be many Belgyns in the Colonies and so they substitute their noble savages. I got my half fare back as well (not that the accounts will show it of course).

June 24, 1759: New York City.

I must say that cities in the new world are certainly different from the old. The hustle and bustle seems busier here some how. The suicidal cab drivers (I saw 15 horses which must be destroyed after collisions today alone), the people too busy to be friendly, and the smell (I have been told it is due to the garbage workers being on strike again). Fonebone has again asked to go visit his relatives (one thing I will say about Belgyns, they breed like rats). I did make sure that they weren't herring merchants this time: it seems one drives a stage coach and is named Cramden and one is a stable shoveler named Norton (I instructed him to wash up after visiting Norton and sent him on his way). Finding Belgyns in the new world puzzles me as if they have Belgyns here why did it take so long to tie Fonebone atop the carriage? Perhaps they are only in New York and not yet in Philadelphia. I must query Fonebone on this when he gets back.

June 25, 1759: New York City.

Spent much of today organizing me affairs for the long trip into the wilderness. Wrote a preliminary letter to the editor telling him of my progress so far and informing him of my expenses so far. Also wrote to Clair in Dover. Went to the Army HQ to inquire about the progress of Amherst and after some small difficulty was told that I followed the road north 100 miles and took the first freshly cut trial on the right I couldn't miss it. As for me, it seems they suspect all foreign nationals of espionage. They took my letters from the king to be forgeries. However, once I mentioned my friendship with Ben, that all was let pass.

June 26, 1759: New York City.

Today I attempted to look up the Bumpo fellow that Ben told me about. After much difficulty (they speak so strangely here) I finally found the inn. The keeper told me that Natty had gone North looking for work and that the best way to find him was to stop at each inn on the road and inquire. He gave me a good description (by which I lost much confidence in Ben's suggestion). At any rate I also collected Fonebone and bought two horses for the trip.

Luther Burbank, Prince of Monrovia and Duke of Dubuque c/o his senechal - Richard Bliss

Czar Vallye II of Zapadslava - Frank Chadwick

Maximillian the Blue of Penury - Phil Hall

King Thomas III of Prissia - Thomas Harris

David Grand Poobah of Lucentia - Dave Hermann

President Santa Matta of the United Provinces - Matt Hyke

Scuzbekistan - Glenn Kidd

Walti Arabia - Walt Lebegue

Boris Borisovitch Bolotomous Prince of Plutonia - Jim Nevling

Gregor the Lame of Djafra - Greg Novak