| Friday May 21, 2004 - 4:32 a.m. |
| I have decided to keep a sort of journal on my site mainly for two reasons. A) I really hate writing in the open diary and live journals that i tried to start and never really kept up, and B) this site is mainly for myself. I understand that people do come here once in a blue moon but most if not all of the people who come here are people I care for and love. so on to the actual writing.... I have the thought mostly just current that there is no true happiness in the world. No, this does not mean that I am depressed or sad. I am neither of those things right now. But I still feel that my thought is somehow true. The reason I believe there is no true happiness is because of the way we are all built. We, as in the human race, have thoughts constantly. If it feels as if we are having a true happy moment we are still wishing that one thing or the other would happen or we would think of ways that it could be better. Im not saying that not wanting anything out of life will make us happier although i do see a little knowledge behind that belief but i believe that maybe knowledge of ourselves will be the best thing. I have tried seemingly my whole life to figure out humanity and myself. Where do my thoughts come from and why are there so many of them. Even now as i write this my mind is moving on to diffrent subjects. Dan is my largest distraction playing in his room and making noise i constantly worry about him. I constantly wonder if what im doing is right. Not just with my son but with life as a whole. Who ever really knows that they are doing everything right? maybe ignorance really is bliss. maybe to not have thoughts will be true happiness. However i do feel as if we can be content . I also feel as if the world is not made of light and dark but a mixture between the two and everything is a circle or a sphere if you will that never ends. thoughts are a cycle and so is mankind. We can never change who we are as much as we try. companies grow large on making us feel small and after we submit we feel smaller still. We try to sell our happiness with others by the smiles on our faces and our laughter but do we ever share the one part of us that is truly secret .....our minds? |
| Maybe im being silly today maybe my feelings aren't on the right track. Im trying to quit smoking and that may be a factor in all of this but if it is i think it is a very small one. I just can't understand why some people are so damn selfish. Or is it me the one being selfish? I try to understand everything but its out of my grasp right now my mind is clouded and i can't think quite clearly but i will try. Certain people can go their whole lives being spoiled and selfish and its a hard thing to break once the habit has set in but i wonder if it isn't impossible to break it. I keep my hopes up but they fall apart i ask for help but there is no one to give me any. Im too old to be sitting around a house all day. I loathe it with my every fiber. Im going to try attending a junior college soon but who will take me? i don't know how to drive and chase is always sleeping or playing his games after work. yes, i will be taking night classes i think thats best but i don't feel comfortable leaving dan here while im at work and that is saying something pretty terrible. I know i shouldn't feel this way but after waking to find that my son had destroyed all of my cds my tapes and a few of my dvds because he wasn't watched properly makes me untrusting. How old are you when you finally grow the hell up? I feel as if i have been older than my years for a very long time. Im just wondering when the people around me will catch up. Dan is a child he is meant to get into trouble and to do things he was told not to do he will be 2 next week and its perfectly natural for him to do these things but it isn't normal for a 23 year old. I feel sometimes like im taking care of two kids and its becoming quite the burden i need a break and i need my own life. A job a education a license these are not hard things to ask for are they?? |
| Sunday, May 23, 2004 - 2:35 P.M. |
| Monday, August 03, 2004 12:23a.m. |
| Well I have actually been in college for awhile now and its been going good. Im lucky because i have to nice teachers but i only like ones teaching methods but oh well. Its been awhile since i last wrote. Im taking night classes right now i only have two classes a night for four hours so its not that bad and i have developed quite a routine now. so i guess you could say im a little happier but i cant think right now im too tired. |
| Friday, August 20, 2004 11:17A.M. |
| Maybe ignorance is bliss and maybe some people are never meant to truly grow up maybe thats what makes them so fun to be around. My life has gotten alot more stressfull but i couldn't be more content or is this truly happiness in which i feel? My house is a bit of a mess i have a final today and i should be studying. Its raining outside and my back is killing me my brain fills like mush and im so happy for all of it. Bad or good bring it on today nothing can stop me and nothing can bring me down hurrah to god and for all green things. after today im free for 3 weeks to do what i want how much better can it be? |
| Friday, September 3, 2004 2:45 A.M. |
| I cant sleep tonight there is so much on my mind. Sometimes i wonder if i will ever truly find myself i seem so lost that its hard figuring out who exactly i am. I keep thinking about the past its my well of sorrow if there ever was one. So much pain and the loss of a childhood makes me wonder who the hell am I? I know my name and i know in a few days i will be 24 good great but who am i really? I try to sort out my thoughts but it doesn't work well. Theres been too much pain too much loss and im still losing as the days go by. People die around me people i love and the rest dissapear never to be heard from again am i that way too? yes probably im bad about picking up a telephone but im not the only one. i need to figure me out first though more than anything i need to remember even if it hurts im sure some shred of the real me lies dormant somewhere but where? and how to find it? my how boring i have become. there must be another part of me other than being a mother |
| Thursday, September 9, 2004 9:37 A.M. |
| Well today i have turned 24 well not technically until 1:26 pm but still its my bday and my family never forgets thats the one thing i love about them no matter how far away they are they always remember and my mom, dad, and evil always call. It was the best way to wake up to my dad singing his version of happy birthday (you look like a monkey and act like one too) heehee. Im in a great mood even though i have a dirty house to clean and i have classes tonight but other than that things are peachy. Dan is still asleep giving me some much needed time alone and im grateful for that too. I just hope the good things will remain i really hate birthdays sometimes but not today i won't even if all i do is sit at home and go to school. but oh well im wondering if any of my friends will remember but i doubt it sigh oh well. ummm ok now im rambling ...ummmm nothing more to say really gonna watch some of the home movies today of dan as a small baby he likes watching them he laughs his little butt off its cute to watch him giggle over himself. ok well bye world |