Heavy soul

By Katinka

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters, which are bases on the “New World Zorro” series of the ‘90’s.

To whoever reads this,

Today is not my day. I would describe it as a very emotional day.

As usual, my father started complaining about my sleeping habits, when I entered the dining room at eleven. His remarks were painful and made me very moody, just to hide my true motives to get up so late. I have to admit, I feel like my day is almost over, when I get up at such a late hour, or later. At this point my father is right. So, I left without even having my breakfast, hearing his remarks repeating in my mind.

I hoped Victoria would have a nice late breakfast for me.

And there I was, standing at her counter, watching her, while she was serving her customers. She looked so beautiful. At the same moment sergeant Mendoza was telling his stories about Zorro’s attacks of last night.

“How cleaver he is,” and “he is so strong” and “what a man!” were the words which were repeated many times during this one-sided conversation. I have to confess that these compliments made me a bit moody again. I really didn’t feel much joy to be in the sergeant’s company. I just ignored the remarks and tried to find out what would happen to these bandits.

The only thing I really wanted was to be with my sweet preciosa; the most beautiful woman in the world, who makes me sleep so little last few months. I can’t stop dreaming about her. I have made already to many pictures of her.

Ever since I learned I had a twin brother, I am so desperate to tell her who her real hero is and make her my wife. The day I brought her to the cave I was eager to open my heart, but since I realised life is so precious, I am dying to tell her. Sí I faced death twice that terrible day.

Today, I was ready to make an appointment with Victoria to reveal my deepest secret; to share my true identity with her. She asked me, no she pleaded with me a couple of times, but I have always been too afraid of rejection. I told myself it was about her safety, but since she convinced me that it wouldn’t matter, I have discovered that I was afraid that she wouldn’t love me when I showed her my true colours.

And today I was again ….

She came to me with a little disturbed expression on her face.

“Why such a long face, Diego? It’s still shining outside and not too cold.” She says with a voice sounding like music to my ears.

“Oh well,” I decided to be honest with her. Telling lies is so easy, since I have to do it almost all the time to keep my identity a secret. “I slept a couple of hours and my father complained about it again.”

“I will understand your father,” she says totally agreeing with the older man’s opinion.

This wasn’t very helpful. I wanted to grasp her in my arms, kissing her deeply, making her feel dizzy by all the love I want to give, as long as she will love me back as the man I really am. I just stared at her not understanding why she is so prejudiced by my other mask. I used to think that women had some kind of sixth sense.

I kept staring at her, until she asked me what I wanted. She stared at me, when I asked her a large plate tamales, some soup and chicken enchiladas.

“You must be very hungry.”

I gave her a smile and was having a big fight with my conscious. “Tell her, tell her, ask her for a picnic or an afternoon’s ride. At least, do something!” But I couldn’t.

Then she remarked with her lovely smile, “How come you don’t grow fat by eating so much?” She watched me closely. I guess she was trying to convince herself of this statement.

“Hard work,” I only said.

I was glad she left it to that and took care of my … lunch. I was a bit nervous. My answer could certainly cause a snowball of questions.

In silence I ate my lunch, however my mind was far away. I couldn’t stop thinking I had to ask Victoria for a private moment. Even when she appeared at the table to pick up my plate, I hadn’t noticed her coming. Worse, when she returned to pay me some attention I didn’t see her at first.

“What is troubling you, Diego,” she asked. I am sure of it, later. Well, much later.

“Are you alright?” were the words that brought me back to earth.

“I beg you pardon,” I said confused in an attempt to mask my affection for her. Why, now I am telling lies again!

“You heard my question,” she replied sternly. I understood she didn’t want to be fooled around.

I remained silent for a few seconds. Meanwhile Victoria sat down at the other side of the table. I got nervous.

“This must be very serious,” she concluded correctly, which made me more silent.

I tried to find a plausible excuse for my behaviour, but I sensed that she was really noticing me today. So, I had no choice but to start telling her what is bothering me so much.

To make the sphere not so dramatic, I joked, “I doubt you will not believe me, if I say I am trying to find a solution for the problems of my experiments.”

“No, I won’t Diego,” she said sharply, and very convincing.

“You’re right.” I didn’t dare to face her. She was silent, till I continued after a deep sigh. I have to bring this very delicately, I thought.

In the meantime I noticed nobody being at the taberna, except for one of Victoria’s waitresses Alicia.

“I .. eh…I” I really didn’t know how to bring the subject, but her patience gave me courage. It hit me.

“I have been reading some articles over and over again, but I have no idea how I can be helped.” I sighed, the ice was broken now.

“You’re not ill, or even dying, are you?” she sounded a bit alarmed and took my hands in hers. I froze, but I met her eyes and read a very concerned expression on her sweet, handsome face. I shook my head and felt her relaxing. Before I could continue, she asked me what articles I have been reading.

“Doña Corazon’s,” I replied to the truth.

I saw her raising her eyebrows. She had never expected this, I could tell. So I repeated my statement.

“Who is she?” she asked seriously, but eager to help me.

“I can’t tell you,” I said, which was in fact the truth.

“Is she so embarrassing?” She was teasing me, but I replied very serious. One day I will have to show her my true colours. Why not start right here and right now.

“Absolutely not. She is the most beautiful, most elegant woman in the world. Just one touch of her makes my heart jump. Her eyes sparkle like the stars at night.” I really lost myself in poetry at last.

She was very surprised. She even laughed at my description I gave the woman we spoke of.

“Why Diego, I hope you haven’t thought of a poetic relationship.”

That hurt, that really hurt, but I didn’t show her.

“On the contrary,” I said a little in chagrin.

Again she laid her hands on mine, which took my breath away.

“Have you tried to leave some hints behind?”

“Sí I did!” I got a little frustrated, thinking of all the poems I had quoted to her as Zorro and finished as Diego or otherwise.

She jumped at my outburst, though it wasn’t Zorro’s way when he confronts the alcalde.

“I am sorry Victoria,” I whispered to make her feel at ease again. I saw her relax. “It’s so frustrating. I gave her plenty of hints.” my voice was still firm, I realised by her gaze. So, I softened, “I guess she doesn’t want to see it.”

Victoria stood up, and walked around the table. The very next moment she sat next to me.

“What scares you to tell her you love her?” she asked precautious, while she had a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“Rejection,” I said after a moment, and added, “not being the person she thought I would have been.”

“Diego, you shouldn’t think like that,” she interrupted my depressive thoughts.

“You are very handsome, well educated, and you are rich. What woman would dare to reject you? I have seen many women staring at you.” She was so kind in telling me this, but I wasn’t very certain, she would accept me as her hero. I was silent so she added; “Besides you are a very kind man with a good heart.”

I stared at her waging my decision. Then, I impulsively asked her, “Could you love me, Victoria?” Really, I felt I have never been as unromantic as I was at that moment.

She was astonished, taken aback, so I repeated, “Could you love me for whom I am, the way you know me?”

She was still silent, watching my features closely. However, after a few seconds she dropped her eyes. I didn’t dare asking her what she was thinking. Then it happened, she sent me out.

“It will be better, if you leave now,” she said quite calm, and that was the worst. Her anger I could have handled, but this calm and empty voice I couldn’t. Besides, I didn’t understand this change of behaviour, or at least what she thought. I tried to reason with her, to explain everything, “Victoria, …”

“No, Diego, please,” she pleaded with me, “go home. I need to be alone.”

I really had no idea what to think. Would she accept a proposal if I asked her for her hand in marriage? Does and could she love me at all? Or is she denying my love towards her?

Maybe she has figured out that her hero happens to be me. How does she feel about that?

I really didn’t know, and still don’t.

So, with a heavy heart I left the taberna. I didn’t ride home. Instead I went to the beach. There I screamed, cried, kicked out my frustration and cursed having introduced Zorro a long time ago. If I had been chasing some bandits, I am sure I would have used my anger on them. Now I cursed being Zorro.

Always Zorro this, Zorro that. He was great, he was magnificent. You should have seen him. He was so dashing. If there is injustice, Zorro will solve the problem.

And what about ME! How many times did I have reasoned the alcalde?! How many times did I help the poor farmers on legal matters? How about that day that Santa Claus came here? A pity all our plans didn’t work. Yes, it could, if only I could have been the real me.

Maybe I should quit being Zorro. Maybe everybody has to learn fighting and standing up for themselves. But yes, I know, life would have been terribly different if I refused this responsibility. Lord, why can’t I be with my love, having a home and children with her? Why can’t she see all my hints? Why does love blind her so much?

No, I can’t give up Zorro. I need to help the people as I have always done, since my return from Spain.

O my Victoria, I screamed over the waves of the sea.

Oh damn Alcalde, why don’t you ever learn?! Why don’t you go back to Madrid and leave these people alone. Or why don’t you get lost in the dessert? And I said many uglier things. Some I regretted after having said them.

A passenger might have thought me being some lunatic. Fortunately there was no one near.

After a half an hour I found my control again and went home. There my father announced we would have dinner at Victoria’s taberna. Lord how would I go through this? How would Victoria react to me, I questioned myself.

I got my answer very quickly, after I had entered the establishment. She saw me and walked hesitated towards the counter. She lowered her gaze and proceeded with her tasks.

It was a long evening. I followed her with my eyes all the time, and pretended to be in a conversation, when she looked in my direction, which she did very rare.

Before we left home, I got a short moment to talk to her, in her kitchen.

“Can I help you Diego?” she seemed distant. I still didn’t know how she felt about our conversation we had this morning. Has she found out my big secret by now?

“You’re angry with me, aren’t you?” was my direct question.

She didn’t answer, or even look at me.

After a silence, she said, “I am confused.”

I didn’t really believer her. So I kept quiet hoping she would say more to clear up my questions.

Unfortunately, there came no reply. She felt uneasy by my presence. She turned to her job; washing the dishes. I had to suppress the temptation to assist her.

“Victoria,” I said after a painful silence, “why are you confused?”

She dropped a plate, all of a sudden and looked me in the eye; her eyes were blazing like fire. That definitely looked like anger, which made me feel very uncomfortable.

“Diego, I don’t have time for this now,” she just said, which I hadn’t expected at all.

“Victoria,” I stammered, “I don’t want to loose our friendship, just because …”

What should I have said; that I lied to test her loyalty for Zorro, or should I have told her the truth. I decided to take the last choice.

She looked at me with raised eyebrows, waiting for me to finish.

“Because of this confession I made to you this afternoon.”

“Diego, I don’t want to hear more of this now. I have to clean up. Tomorrow it will be early for me to get up.”

Somehow I heard some regret in the tone of her voice. I am sure, since there were more expressions on her whole appearance. So, I left, very confused and feeling more like being broken hearted. I told my father I was tired and left the taberna.

And now, I am in the cave, writing to get rid of my mixed emotions. My greatest fear seems to have turned out reality. I’d better not go to town the following days. It would only hurt to see Victoria. I know I will have to make it up with her, let her know I will always be her friend, but I will not do it this week. I hope we will be on old terms again by the time it is Christmas.

Oh, Lord please, help me to find a solution for the mess I made. How would Victoria feel about Zorro now? Maybe I should give her a visit as Zorro. On the other hand I have no wish to disrespect her feelings. What if she hasn’t found out? Why did she react the way she did today? I don’t understand . She wouldn’t stop loving Zorro, when she found out her hero is just an ordinary fellow, would she? But could she forgive me having deceived her all those years, although I left many hints behind.

I must do something. This love is too deep to let go! This was meant to be!

Maybe I should start courting her as myself! And let Zorro leave the stage. But how? Time may tell.

Well, one thing is for sure, there is one thing I can do, no will do. I’ll give her some jewellery for Christmas. By that time I will decide who will give it to her.

Tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow I will leave to get it. This gives me also a good reason to give her some space. Hopefully this will help. At least, I am seeing the bright side of life again. Now, I should go to bed before father notices me not having turned in at all. How long will it take to end this play? Where did I put my other mask?

Yours,

Diego de la Vega.

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