Title: I
held thee softly—
Author:
Zenia
Summary: A nightmare comes back into the Simon
family’s life.
Rating: R
Email: ztovarich@yahoo.com
Disclaimer:
They’re not mine, never will be. Please
don't sue.
Feedback: If you would like to, it would be nice.
Warnings:
This story deals with the issue of child molestation. So please if the idea of
this deeply disturbs you, don't read it. I'm serious, just use the old delete
button.
Notes:
<sigh> I wish I could do this subject justice. This story is dedicated to those out there with secrets. Sometimes, unfortunately, they have no one
to help them carry their burden.
Upon the shore of tomorrow
I cradled thee against my breast
Coaxing into being the virgin light of innocence
I held thee softly—
By Zenia
AJ sat with his mother on the deck, enjoying the warmth of the sun on his face. “Are Aunt Edna and Uncle Marv coming,” he asked.
“They’re flying in on Saturday, along with your second cousin Stanley.”
“Stanley? I didn’t know he was coming.”
Rick walked out onto the deck, a can of beer in hand. “Who was coming?”
“Cousin Stanley. He stayed with us for a few months when you were children. You remember him don’t you Rick?”
“Stanley, yeah I remember Stanley.” Rick’s voice wavered slightly. “You invited him?”
“Hence the term ‘family reunion’.” AJ frowned; his brother had turned a pasty white. “Are you all right? You don’t look so good.”
“Fine, I’m fine,” he said gruffly.
“I don’t remember much about him.”
Rick shifted his weight. “You were pretty young Kid, only five. And we all had other things on our mind. It was right after Dad’s funeral.”
“Oh.” AJ pressed his lips together; the old ache in his chest returning.
Rick guzzled the rest of his beer and put the empty can on the table. “I think I need something stronger.” He went back inside.
AJ looked at his mother. “What was that about?”
“I don’t know.” She frowned in Rick’s direction. “He never liked Stanley very much. They were always fighting. But then Rick fought with everyone.”
“I remember a lot of screaming.” AJ smiled sadly.
“It was a difficult time. And Stanley, Stanley always teased him.”
“He ignored me.” He shrugged. “Who’s going to pick them up from the airport?”
She gave him a sweet smile. “I was going to ask Rick but…”
He sighed. “What time are they coming in?”
**********
“Rick? What are you doing here?”
“What do ya mean? It’s my office too.”
“Well I know that. But it’s Saturday.” AJ took a really good look at his brother, noting the bloodshot eyes and day old stubble. “Rough night? What was it, mud wrestling or the all night strip joint?”
“What?” Rick shook his head.
“That kept you up.”
“Nothing. I uh, was up thinking is all.” He looked down at his desk. “Hey AJ, what do you remember about Stan?”
“Not very much. He really didn’t pay any attention to me. He’s what, ten years older than I am? Why?”
“Oh, just wondering.”
“Mom said that you and he didn’t get along very well. That he teased you.”
Rick laughed bitterly. “Yeah. He was a real jerk.”
“Are you all right?” He put a hand on Rick’s shoulder.
“Yeah Kid, I’m fine.” Then he frowned. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, I had to pick up my wallet. I forgot it yesterday.” AJ held up the offending object.
“Ya better hurry, you’re gonna be late picking them up.” Rick pointed to his watch.
“Damn. How do I get talked into these things?”
He shrugged. “That’s what you get for being the good one in the family.”
“Want to come,” AJ asked hopefully.
“As tempting as it would be to see Aunt Edna pinch your cheeks and tell you how much you’ve grown, I think I’ll pass.”
“Thanks a lot.”
**********
“Hey no running in the house,” AJ yelled after almost being trampled by a pack of children.
He had no idea why his mother had volunteered to host the family reunion this year. Rick thought perhaps it was temporary insanity. He was starting to think maybe his brother was right. It was a lesson in torture, the way people clucked over him, asking when he was going to give up being a PI. Being a lawyer was so much more respectable.
As for Rick, well he had the idea. As soon as family members started showing up he conveniently hid himself away. Normally Rick might have hid himself in his houseboat but it had been commandeered to hold their cousin Charlie, his wife, and their son Joey. AJ wasn’t so thrilled about having to bunk with his brother, but it was only for a week, and he had done it before.
“AJ honey.” Cecilia came up from behind him, balancing two trays of food. “Would you find your brother? I need him to go to the store and get some ice.”
“I can do it Mom.” He took a tray from her and followed her outside.
“Actually I need you to take over the barbeque from Darryl. He’s burning the food.” She placed her tray on the picnic table they had moved outside. “Here let me have that. He might be upstairs, I thought I saw him go up there.”
“All right, I’ll tell him.” AJ maneuvered his way through the crowd of people and up the stairs. He immediately went to their old room.
As his hand touched the doorknob he heard the sound of two people arguing. Rick and…Stan?
“I don’t care. I told you to stay away from me,” Rick yelled.
“I’m different now Rick. It was a long time ago. I was a kid.”
“So was I. I ain’t telling you again Stan.”
“Or what Ricky? You think they’ll believe you now?” Stan laughed. “You’re still a screw up.”
Then AJ heard the sound of flesh meeting flesh. He opened the door to see Stan on the floor, holding his nose, blood dripping from it and Rick standing over him. “What’s going on?”
“Nothin’.” Rick started to walk past him.
AJ touched his shoulder. “Rick?”
He shook his head in reply. “I gotta get out of here.”
“Mom wants you to get some ice.”
“She’s going to have to get someone else to do it.” He shrugged off AJ’s hand.
“What was that about,” he asked Stan.
“You’re brother’s crazy, that’s what it’s about.” Stan got to his feet shakily and pushed past AJ to get to the bathroom.
What the hell was going on?
**********
He was still awake when he heard the door creak open. AJ sighed and turned over on his back. There was a rustling of clothing, then the bed dipped as Rick climbed in.
“Reliving your teen years?”
Rick jumped. “Geez, what are you trying to do, give a guy a heart-attack?”
AJ opened his eyes. “Mom’s pretty mad at you for leaving today.”
“Yeah well.” Rick turned on his stomach, burying his face in the pillows. “I was getting claustrophobic.”
“This from the guy who once rode in a truck filled with chickens?” He snorted. “Give me a break. And what was that argument about between you and Stan?”
“Nothing, just an old argument. I’m really tired AJ.”
“Okay, okay. Just don’t think you can be coming in here all hours of the night.”
Rick started to laugh. “What are you, my brother or my girlfriend?”
“Oh that’s funny.” AJ elbowed him in the side. “Goodnight Rick.”
“Goodnight…babe,” he snickered.
AJ groaned. One of these days he was going to strangle him.
He was almost asleep when he heard his name being whispered softly. “What?”
“Can—can I ask you something,” Rick asked hesitantly.
“You aren’t going to let me sleep unless you do.” He turned on his side and stared at Rick. “Well go on.”
“I was just wondering if—if there was anything I could do that would make you hate me.”
AJ flopped on his back. “Well let me tell you, preventing my ability to sleep isn’t endearing you to me.”
“I’m serious.”
He looked at Rick for a long moment. His brother’s face was hidden from his glance by the pillow. “What kind of question is that?”
“Forget it.” Rick curled into a ball.
AJ sat up and put a hand on his brother’s back. Rick was so tense AJ could feel his muscles tremble. “Hey, nothing short of—of genocide would make me hate you. And even then…you’re my brother.”
“Yeah?” Rick relaxed under his hand.
“Yeah. Rick what’s wrong?” This wasn’t like his brother. Rick was carefree, flippant.
“I was just thinkin’.” He turned to face AJ. “You and Mom are the most important people in my life. I’d kill for you, ya know.”
He nodded. “Me too.”
Rick smiled. “Now I can sleep.”
AJ lay awake for a long time.
**********
The more he thought about it, the more the situation unnerved him. There was something terribly off about Rick’s behavior. Oh Rick wasn’t the most stable of people most days. He was erratic, impulsive, and irresponsible. But he had never questioned his place in the family, not once. What had he meant by that comment last night? As if AJ could hate him. It was absurd. It was—frightening.
He looked over at Rick. His brother was sitting slumped over on the couch an amused smile on his face as he watched their nieces and nephews playing Monopoly on the floor. Every once and a while he’d lean down and whisper something into one of the kids’ ears.
Then Stan came into view and the smile on Rick’s face vanished. If looks could kill Stan would be dead. Idiot that he was, he seemed oblivious to the dark glare that Rick was giving him.
AJ could see by the way Rick tensed that a fight was about to ensue. He made his way over and put an arm around Stan. “Hey, I haven’t had a chance to say hello to you. Why don’t we go outside and have a beer.”
“AJ.” Stan smiled. “I’d love to.”
He snagged two beers from the refrigerator on their way out. “It’s pretty loud in there. I don’t know how Mom can stand it.”
“Aunt Cecilia’s an extraordinary lady.”
He laughed fondly. “That she is. Can I ask you a question?”
“Shoot.”
“What’s with you and Rick?” He watched Stan carefully. When AJ asked the question Stan’s face went blank.
“I don’t know what you mean?” Stan took a long drink of beer.
“I’m a private investigator Stan. You can tell me now or I can find out on my own.” AJ grabbed his arm.
“Why don’t you ask your brother?” He jerked away.
“I did.”
“He didn’t tell you?” There was a strange, almost hopeful note in Stan’s voice.
“No.”
“That’s because it’s none of your business. Just leave it alone AJ.” He patted AJ’s cheek.
“I want to know why Rick hit you the other day.”
“Because I used to get on his case when he was a kid and he’s never forgiven me for it. That’s why.” He shook his head and started back into the house. “Thanks for the memories.”
**********
One of the most important abilities of a private investigator is the ability to watch, to catch those little idiosyncrasies that would give a clue that might crack the case. So he watched Rick’s body language when he was in the room. Saw how he tensed when Stan was there, the way his eyes never left him. It was eerie, the intensity of his scrutiny.
Later that evening when most of the family had went off to their prospective hotels AJ asked his mother about it.
He stood next to her at the sink, rinsing while she washed the dishes for the day. “Mom, have you noticed how Rick reacts around Stan?”
She frowned, handing him a glass. “I noticed. It’s not like Rick to hold a grudge this long. Especially for something that happened when they were children.”
“A grudge?”
“You don’t remember.”
AJ shook his head. “Not really. Most of my memories are fuzzy. I remember a lot of loud voices, crying. I don’t know. Like I said, Stan really didn’t pay any attention to me.”
“Rick disliked him almost from the start. After your father died, well Rick took it upon himself to be the man of the family. Having an older boy in the house ruined that for him.”
“But this is excessive, even for Rick.”
“Well it didn’t help that Stan killed Rick’s turtle.” She sighed.
“Turtle?” AJ shook his head in puzzlement. “What turtle?”
Cecilia turned to him. “You don’t remember? That’s strange. You loved that thing about as much as Rick. You even named him. What was it, Eggplant, Lettuce, something like that.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Well Stanley accidentally sat on him. Rick was heartbroken. He cried for days.” She brushed the hair from AJ’s face. “I’m really surprised you don’t remember.”
“So am I, Mom, so am I.”
At that moment the door swung open. “Hey, you ready to go home AJ. I think I got most of the gum out of the rug.”
“Um,” AJ looked around the kitchen. “Yeah. We’ll see you tomorrow Mom.”
“All right, you boys be careful driving home.” She gave each of them a kiss on the cheek.”
“We will.” Rick slung his arm around AJ’s shoulders and led him outside. “Three more days and everything goes back to normal.”
AJ laughed and climbed into the truck. “Have I mentioned how much I miss doing repos?”
“It’s scary what your family can do to you.”
“Tell me about it.”
His brother grinned and started the truck.
AJ let a few minutes silence pass before he spoke. “Rick, tell me about your turtle.”
“My what?” Rick glanced at him quickly.
“Your turtle, the one you had when we were kids.”
“Carrot you mean?”
“You had a turtle named Carrot?”
“I didn’t name him, you did. I got him for Easter when you were three. Dad put little bunny ears on him. It took me four months to convince you he wasn’t a rabbit. Anyway, I wanted to call him Spike but you said that nobody called a bunny Spike. Being the nice brother that I am, I let you give him a proper name. You were a weird kid. Why do you wanna know about Carrot?”
“Mom said that Stan killed him.”
Rick swallowed hard. “Oh, that. You don’t remember that?” There was a strange note to his voice.
“No. I was there?”
“Yeah.” AJ noticed that Rick’s hands were clenched tightly on the steering wheel. “We were wrestling and I forgot to put Carrot back in his bowl. Stan rolled on top of him and…his shell cracked. He didn’t make it. You really don’t remember?”
“No I don’t which is strange. Usually my memory is better than this.” He ran his fingers through his hair.
“Well it was messy. I’m not surprised you forgot.” Then he whispered so that AJ had to strain to hear it, “Sometimes I wish I could.”
**********
He was crying, really loud sobs that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard he tried. And he tried, really he tried. He knew that if he didn’t that the hammer…the hammer.
And he would bleed and bleed and bleed and die. He didn’t want to die. Please.
The voice told him to shut up or he’d give him a reason to make him cry. He would shatter him into pieces like…
No, no, no!!
Then he felt Rick’s arms wrap around him, muffling his crying with his chest. Rick was crying too, but he whispered that he would protect him. He whispered that the hammer wouldn’t hurt him. It wouldn’t hurt him if he, shh didn’t say nothing to Mom about it.
Rick would protect him, he promised. He wouldn’t let the hammer hurt him.
Rick was safe. Always—
AJ woke with a start, his breath catching in his throat. He ran his fingers through his sweat-soaked hair and peered into the darkness of the room. He could just make out the outline of his brother next to him.
Rick had a secret. Something that had to do with Stan, something that Rick was afraid would make AJ and their mother hate him. And maybe he, AJ, knew part of that secret. If he could just make himself remember.
As he drifted back into sleep a thought came unbidden to his mind, he needed to remember the hammer.
**********
There wasn’t enough time. Not to help Mom, visit relatives, and watch Rick. Not to get to the bottom of things. Rick seemed better. He laughed more, though it hurt AJ to hear it. It wasn’t the relaxed chuckle he was used to hearing. It was a guarded laugh. It was careful.
It was the kind of laugh he had heard when Rick had first come back from the war.
Well maybe it was temporary. Perhaps when everyone left, whatever was haunting Rick would fade into the background.
**********
AJ ushered
the young woman into a chair. "Mrs. Gilbert. I'm AJ and this is my brother Rick. Over the phone you mentioned that it was urgent?"
"It's
about my husband, or more precisely, my ex-husband." She fidgeted with the
purse on her lap. "We're going
through this nasty custody battle and...."
"And
you want us to find some dirt on your husband," Rick finished.
AJ shot Rick
a dirty look.
"Yes. I mean, no.
Well, I think my husband, my ex-husband, is hurting our daughter,
Melody." She sighed.
"By
hurting you mean..." AJ let his voice trail off.
"Molesting."
She swallowed hard.
"I
see. Mrs. Gilbert, have you gone to the
police with this concern?"
"Yes,
and my family physician. All charges
were dropped because they couldn't find any conclusive evidence that he was
molesting her."
"And
what makes you think that he is?" Rick asked. He was looking at her intently. "If the police and her
doctor don't think he's hurtin' her, how do you know?"
"Call
it a feeling. A mother knows when
someone's hurting her child. She
knows." She looked at AJ. "You have to help me. You're my last hope. Please."
"No."
Rick answered and stood up. "If you wanna slander your husband find some
other PIs to help you do it."
"Rick!"
AJ looked at her apologetically. "Could you wait a moment while I talk to
my brother." He pulled Rick out in
the hall. "What are you doing? This
woman needs our help."
"Oh
come on AJ, the only thing she needs is a good lawyer." Rick shook his
head. "A mother knows when her kid's being molested. If that isn't the biggest load of crock I've
ever heard."
"Like
you're the expert on maternal instincts.
We have to take this case Rick.
What if he is, we can stop him.
If we don't take it, can you live with that on your conscience? I can't."
"Fine,
we'll take the case. We always do
whatever the hell you want anyway." With that Rick spun on his heel and
walked toward the elevator.
"Rick,
Rick come back. Dammit!" He went
back in the office. "We'll take the case.
If he's hurting your daughter we'll know in a matter of days. We'll call with regular updates."
"Thank
you. You don't know how much this means
to me." She hugged him.
He patted
her awkwardly. "It'll be all right, I promise."
**********
AJ sighed
and leaned his head against the seat of his car. There wasn’t much activity in the house; mostly all they were
doing now was establishing a routine.
Well, that and waiting for him and his daughter to leave so they could
put listening devices in the house.
This wasn’t exactly the neighborhood to go looking in windows. From what they could see, the neighbors were
too conscientious. It would be a good
way to get arrested for peeping in windows.
He sighed
again. The quiet was deafening.
He had never really thought much about that cliché. With Rick it was never quiet, not even on a
stakeout. Except now. Normally he might have enjoyed the
silence. But Rick refused to speak to
him, to even look at him. Not a word
was spoken, not a “hello” or a “pass the snacks,” nothing. He had never been this angry with AJ.
“So do you
want to tell me what this morning was about,” he asked when the silence became
too much.
“I don’t
know what you’re talking about.” Rick stared at the house.
“Come on
Rick, don’t pull that. Why didn’t you
want to take this case?”
“Does it
matter?” Rick turned to him.
“Of course
it matters. This is a partnership, if
you had reasonable objections—”
“But here we
are.”
“I said reasonable.”
“Yeah. Well you know what AJ, sometimes people have
reasons no one needs to know about.
Maybe you should have accepted that I didn’t wanna take this case, no
questions asked.”
“Fine, do
you want me to call her tomorrow and tell her we quit? Because I will if that’s what you want.”
“I want you
to trust me.”
“I do trust
you.” He put his hand on Rick’s shoulder. “You wouldn’t be here if I
didn’t. I wouldn’t be here if I
didn’t. Look, I’ll her tomorrow.”
“No, no we’ll
finish it.” He was silent for a moment, then, “Do you think she’s right? Do you think a mom knows when her kid’s
being hurt?”
“I don’t
know. I imagine there are signs. Why?”
Rick shook
his head. “Just wondering. AJ, I need
to tell you—”
AJ saw the
door open. “He’s leaving. Do you want
to go in and bug the house, or shall I do it?”
“You go
on. You’ll be noticed less in the
neighborhood.”
He started
to step out of the car. “What were you going to say?”
“Nothing. Never mind.”
AJ
hesitated. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Now hurry up. The faster you get in there, the faster it gets done. Don’t need you getting caught. Mom’s getting tired of bailing us out.”
“Okay.” With
that he made his way to the house.
**********
“We’re not
going to find anything.”
AJ shifted
in his seat and opened one eye. “I’m glad you think so. Now if you don’t mind, I’d really like a
nap.”
“I’m just
saying that it’s been three days—”
“Rick. Please?”
Rick sighed
and was quiet for a few minutes. Then,
“AJ? You ever had anyone try stuff with
you?”
AJ sat up
and stared at Rick. “What?”
Rick looked
out the window at the house. “I asked if you ever had, ya know.”
“Well I’ve
been groped, but if you mean when I was a kid, no. Why?”
“I just
wondered. They say you can never
tell. How does someone, how does
someone do that to a kid? What sorta
person does that?” He sighed.
“I don’t
know. Maybe they need to be in control,
maybe…” Before he could finish there was a crackle from their receiver.
There was no
denying what was happening on the other end.
And if he had been doing something other than his job, he might have
been sick. He looked over at Rick
His brother
was pale, his hands clenching the steering wheel.
“Please
Daddy no!”
AJ opened
his mouth but it was too late. Between
one second and the next Rick was out and across the street.
“Dammit
Rick, wait for me!” He scrambled out of
the car and made his way towards the house.
Rick had
always been fast when he wanted to be, even faster than AJ. This was no exception. By the time AJ had made it to the front
door, it had been kicked in.
When he got
to the little girl’s bedroom, she was crouched in a corner screaming. And Rick, Rick was beating the guy to a
pulp.
He grabbed his
brother by the arm. “That’s enough Rick.”
Rick shook
him off. “You like hurting little kids?
Huh, you like hurting people who can’t fight back? Well how about this, you like this you
bastard.”
“I said
that’s enough!” AJ wrenched him off. “You wanna kill him?”
“Maybe
that’s what he deserves,” Rick gasped.
“Go call the
police.” He pointed to the door. “Go!”
His brother
ignored him. Instead he walked over to
Melody and knelt beside her. “It’s all right honey, we’re friends of your
mommy.”
She turned
her face to him. “You were hurting my Daddy.”
AJ cuffed
the bleeding man’s hands behind his back and watched his brother.
“That’s
‘cause he was hurting you.”
She shook
her head and looked down.
Rick touched
her under her chin and tilted her head. “It’s not your fault. Whatever he told you, it’s not your
fault. You’re mom, she was scared he
might’ve been hurting you, that’s why we’re here. It’s okay to tell her.
She’ll believe you.”
Melody
looked at him wide-eyed and burst into tears.
Rick gathered
her up and held her gently.
As his
brother rocked the girl, AJ felt a sick, sinking feeling in his stomach.
**********
“—the
stupidest thing the two of you have ever done!” And with that Abby stalked
across the lawn to the ambulance.
Well it wasn’t
the first time they had been chewed out by the police and it wouldn’t be the
last. And AJ knew that they had
deserved it. Mr. Gilbert was being
shipped to the hospital with a broken jaw and some bruised ribs. Sure he was a child molester but the cops
liked their cases airtight and having a couple of PIs bust into a house they
had bugged and beat up the perp was not airtight.
“She’s right
you know. What were you thinking?”
“Well I’m
sorry I’m not you AJ.”
“What the
hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Mr.
Perfect, Mr. I’ve never done anything wrong.
Ever since we were kids it’s been like this. Oh you were the golden boy, the blond-haired, blue-eyed spitting
image of Dad.” Rick grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him close. “I
ain’t you, and I don’t wanna be.”
“That’s all
a bunch of bull and you know it.” He shoved Rick away. “No one ever expected
you to be me. Mom and Dad—”
“Always
loved you best.”
“That is not
true. Where the hell is this coming
from?”
Rick shook
his head. “I didn’t mind, really I didn’t.
I just wish they would have looked at me sometimes. Other than to yell at me or scream at me,
they never did. Not after you were
born. I don’t blame them really, I was
a damn stubborn kid. Maybe it was
easier to forget I was around when I wasn’t making trouble.”
“Rick—”
“He hit me
AJ, he hit me and never hit you. Not
once, not even when you deserved it.
And then when he died.” Rick closed his eyes and took a deep shuddery
breath. “Sometimes I think if I had looked more like him…She never
noticed. AJ how come she didn’t
notice?”
“Notice
what?”
His brother
sighed. “Me.”
“I noticed
you.” He put a hand on Rick’s shoulder.
“Yeah?” Rick
opened his eyes.
“Yeah. And you know Dad and Mom, they loved you as
much as they loved me. Now come on,
let’s follow Abby to the precinct and give our statement.” He put his arm
around his brother’s shoulders.
Rick looked
over at the police car that held Melody and Mrs. Gilbert. “A mother knows,” he
whispered softly. “But does she always know?”
He kept
sneaking quick glances at Rick. Not
very subtle but he was still trying to figure out where the rant had come from.
Rick sighed.
“What?”
“What,
what,” he replied innocently.
“What’s with
all the concerned glances?”
“Nothing. I mean—I’m just…” AJ shrugged. “I’m sorry
that’s all.”
“For what?”
“I’m sorry
you felt invisible. I’m sorry you felt
that Mom and Dad wanted you to be like me.”
“Aw hell
AJ. Look, what I said, forget it. I was just mad and frustrated. I didn’t mean it.”
“But you
said it. You must have felt a little—”
“AJ. Yeah okay maybe I did, but that was a long
time ago. And I feel differently
now. You know me, I always run off at
the mouth when I’m mad.”
“We’re okay
then?”
Rick
grinned. “Aren’t we always?”
He nodded.
“Yes, we are.”
Melody clung
to her mother, crying softly. AJ
watched quietly, hugging himself. Rick
had already gone home, claiming that he was exhausted.
Heartbroken,
AJ thought.
Rick had
stood by the little girl as she stammered out what her father had done to
her. As they prodded out details. Minute details.
AJ squeezed
his eyes shut, a sense of terror and helplessness overwhelming him. He felt bile rise up in his throat when he
thought of how she said it started.
Tickling, she said, he liked to tickle.
He ran for
the bathroom, barely making to a stall when the dry heaves came. He remembered….
**********
He cuddled
up against Rick, feeling his brother’s tears against his neck. “I’m scared
Rick.”
“Don’t be
scared.” Rick sniffed. “I’ll tell you a story.
Do ya want me to tell you a story AJ?”
“Uh-huh.”
Rick brushed
the hair from his face. “Once a upon a time, a long, long time ago, there was a
boy.”
“Was he a
prince?”
“Naw, just a
regular boy. He got into trouble a lot,
lied and did things. Nobody liked
him. He was different from everybody
else, even his family. He tried to be
good, but it was hard. He was lonely a
lot.”
“I don’t
like this story.” AJ rubbed his eyes. “It’s sad.”
“No, no
‘cause one day his parents, they had another little boy. He was a prince. He was perfect, everybody said so. And he loved the first little boy, played with him and didn’t
even care that he was different. That
he was bad.” Rick was crying again. “The Prince knew all the little boy’s
secrets and still loved him. You love
me, don’t you AJ?”
AJ nodded.
“Yes, I love you. Please don’t
cry. Please. We’ll tell Mommy. Mommy
will believe me.”
“There’s
nothin’ to tell.”
“But—”
“There ain’t
nothin’ to say! Carrot got crushed by
accident. Nothing happened. You hear me AJ, it was an accident. Now you say it.”
“It was an
accident.”
Rick stroked
his back and kept whispering it into his ear.
**********
“No, oh God
no.” AJ got up and went out to the sinks.
He splashed his face with water and looked into the mirror. “Is that
what your hiding Rick? Is it?”
Rick was
sitting on his couch staring up that ceiling, an almost empty bottle of tequila
in his hand.
“Rick?”
“Her own
father hurt her. How—I just don’t understand
how.” He looked up at AJ, eyes bleary. “She wasn’t lucky. She didn’t have anyone to protect her. No older brother or sister.”
“Like
you? Like how you protected me?” He
knelt in front of his brother. “Rick?”
“I’d never
let anyone hurt you AJ. Never let any
touch you or anything. She just wasn’t
lucky.”
“Was I
lucky? Did someone hurt you Rick? Did someone…touch you?”
He shook his
head. “I’m drunk. I’m drunk and I’m
tired. I’m so tired AJ.”
“What
happened to Carrot? What happened to your
turtle?” He put his hand on Rick’s knee. “Will you tell me?”
“Nothin’
happened. He got squished.” Rick
touched his cheek. “I’ll always protect you.
Always.”
“I know you
will. But Rick, you have to tell me,
you have to tell me because I don’t remember.
I don’t remember Carrot Rick. I
don’t remember what happened when Stanley stayed with us after Dad died. Tell me.”
“I don’t
have anything to tell you.” He was looking off into space.
“Rick,
Ricky?”
“Don’t call
me that!” Rick grabbed him by the shirt. “Don’t ever call me that.”
“Okay, I’m
sorry.” He put his hand over Rick’s fist. “I’m sorry.”
Rick pulled
him forward into an embrace. “No one ever hurt you. No one! I swear.”
He nodded
and let his head rest on his shoulder for a moment. “I love you Rick, you know
that don’t you? No matter what, I’ll
always love you.”
His brother
didn’t respond.
AJ felt the
hands grasping his shirt slacken. He
pulled back and shook his head. Rick
had passed out. “That’s all right, we’ll talk later. Let’s get you into bed.”
He was
sweating and breathing hard by the time he got Rick into his bed. Tossing his brother on rumpled sheets, he
tugged off his boots.
Rick
stirred. “AJ?”
“Yes?” AJ
ran his fingers through Rick’s hair.
“I’m cold.”
He grabbed AJ’s hand and tugged gently.
AJ swallowed
hard. That used to be his codeword when
he was frightened of the dark or monsters under the bed. How many times had he said those words to
his brother only to have Rick pull back the sheets and make room for him in the
bed? “Okay, okay.” He climbed into bed and cradled Rick’s head on his shoulder.
“I always
protected you AJ.”
“I
know. Now let me protect you Rick. Sleep.” He pressed his mouth to Rick’s hair
and rubbed his back with a gentle hand.
**********
He blinked
up at Stan and smiled shyly. His heart
was pounding with excitement because his cousin had asked if he wanted to
play. Stan never played with him, only
Rick. And wow, Stan was a big kid, a
teenage, and he wanted to play with him.
AJ tried not
to bounce to show how excited he was because that would be babyish. “What game
are we going to play?”
Stan smiled
down at him. “The tickle game.”
He frowned.
“Tickle game. I don’t like to tickle.”
“I always
play with your brother.”
AJ shook his
head. “Let’s play hide and seek or checkers.”
He sighed.
“Aw, I knew you were too little. Forget
it.”
“I’m not too
little. I just—You play this with
Rick?”
“Uh huh.”
Stan sat on the bed and pulled AJ close, between his legs. “You’ll like
this. I’ll tickle you and you’ll tickle
me.”
“Okay.”
“Great.”
Then his hand reached under AJ shirt and stroked his stomach.
“I don’t—”
“Shh.” He
kissed AJ’s cheek, his fingers slipping lower to—
The door
opened. “What are you doing?” Rick
stormed through the door and pulled AJ away. “You leave him alone.”
Stan gave a
lazy smile. “We were only playing.”
“You told me
that you would stay away from him if I—if I did what you wanted.”
“We were
only playing Rick.” He tried to squirm out of Rick’s grasp. “I can play with
Stan too. I’m not too little.”
“Yeah
Ricky. Besides, you haven’t been very
cooperative. Now have you?”
Rick turned
white. “Go downstairs AJ.”
“No, I want
to play too!” He stamped his foot.
Then Rick did
something that he had never done before.
He hit AJ very hard on the butt. “I said go downstairs. Now go!”
He stared up
at his brother and rubbed his behind. “Okay.” His lower lip trembled.
“Just go
okay. Please AJ. We’ll play catch later. You can use my new mitt. Okay?”
AJ nodded
and slowly made his way out the door.
He played for a while with his blocks; stacking them then making them
topple with a well-placed push. He kept
glancing at the clock, noticing as the minutes passed by slowly. A game couldn’t take that long could it?
He tiptoed
upstairs quietly and pushed the bedroom door open. Rick and Stan were lying next to each other on the bed. When the door had opened Rick had turned so
that he was on his stomach. AJ could
hear his brother’s sobs, muffled by the pillow.
“What are
you doing to my brother?” He inched his way over to Rick.
“We’re just
playing.” Stan looked at him innocently.
“How come
he’s crying then?”
Stan
shrugged.
“I’m gonna
tell Mommy.”
“No!” Rick
sat up. “You ain’t saying anything.”
AJ looked at
him and frowned. “Your jeans are undone.”
He blushed
bright red and buttoned up. Then he
jumped out of bed. “Let’s go play catch.”
AJ shook his
head. “I’m gonna tell Mommy.”
“No, Stan he
ain’t gonna say anything.” He grabbed AJ’s arm and tugged him forward. “C’mon.”
“I am, he’s
making you cry. You’re making my
brother cry you stupid jerk!”
“It was an
accident. He didn’t mean to hurt
me. Stan, AJ won’t say anything to
Mom.”
But he was,
Rick knew it, and so did Stan. He had
too, ‘cause, well he wasn’t sure what Stan had been doing to Rick but he knew
deep in his gut that it was Bad.
“He’s just a
baby. I can keep him quiet.”
“I am not a
baby. And I am going to tell. I won’t let him hurt you Rick.”
Stan laughed
and jumped off the bed. “You’re not going to tell anybody.” He grabbed Carrot
out of his bowl and sprinted out the door.
Rick
followed. “Leave Carrot alone. Give him
to me. Stan!”
**********
He woke with
a gasp, his heart pounding in his chest.
Rick squeezed him gently and mumbled softly in his sleep.
It was just
a dream, a nightmare, that’s all, just a nightmare because he would never have
forgotten something like that. Could
he?
AJ slipped
out of Rick’s embrace and stumbled out of the bedroom. It was early morning, the dull light of
sunrise shone into the cabin giving the room a tint of dull gray.
He needed
to—he needed to think and take a shower.
Yes that sounded right: a shower, a shave, and a clean set of clothing. Then maybe he could deal with—with whatever
that dream – nightmare – memory – had been.
The drive
home was long, empty. His mind, he
couldn’t think, couldn’t focus on any one thing. It kept flitting on bills, cases, the laundry that needed to be
done because if he did focus, if he did think about it…he would lose it.
And he
couldn’t, not if it was true. Not if it was more than just a nightmare.
Memory.
When he got
home he took a hot shower, water streaming down him face, allowing him to ignore
the tears.
It couldn’t
be true.
He went
downstairs feeling clean and semi-decent.
He made himself coffee, letting the liquid burn his tongue into
numbness, then thought about making an omelet.
The thought was quickly discarded as his stomach did a slow roll.
Jesus.
Stan…Rick…Stan.
The Prince
knew all the little boy’s secrets and still loved him. You love me, don’t you AJ?
AJ buried
his face in his hands. “Oh God Rick, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He stayed
that way for a while, letting the memories play over in his mind, filling him,
leaving him with a dirty feeling. He
had done anything, he, he hadn’t done anything. And not only hadn’t he done anything he had forgotten. Forgotten because the horror and fear had
been too much to bear.
Rick had
bore it. Holding him that night, tight
in an embrace, stroking his hair, whispering in his ear. You’re safe, he said, just forget about it
AJ. You’re safe and that’s all you need
to know.
You’re safe
and that’s all you need to know. So
that was all he knew.
AJ was
startled from him memories by the sound of footsteps on the deck. He walked outside and stood beside
Rick. They both leaned against the
railing, looking out at the canal.
He looked at
Rick. “I forgot. How could I forget?”
“It was a
long time ago. I’m glad you forgot.”
“Don’t say
that. Rick he molested you. He—”
Rick covered
his mouth with his hand. “He killed Carrot.
He killed my turtle.”
He pulled
away and watched as Rick stared off into space.
“You caught
us. You caught him. You threatened to tell Mom. Stan took Carrot out of his bowl and ran
downstairs. I followed him and you
followed me. He took a hammer.” Rick
made a chopping motion.
He gasped,
remembering.
Rick had no,
please Stan no and charged after him, trying to stop him realizing before AJ
the horror. Stan had shoved Rick so
hard that he slammed against the wall with a sickening thud. Then the hammer fell and…
AJ remembered the sound of the shell cracking and then blood.
And then
Stan telling him, you won’t say anything AJ, because if you do I’ll kill you
like I killed Carrot. He remembered the
blood.
“You
starting screaming, screaming and crying and screaming. He told you to shut up or he’d give you a
reason to cry. But you just kept going. He killed Carrot and I held you and I told
you, I told you I’d protect you.” Rick laughed harshly. “I couldn’t even
protect myself.”
“Rick, we
should tell somebody.”
“Like
who? It was a long time ago.” Rick eyes
were bloodshot, like he had been crying.
“Thirty years AJ, who should we tell?
Not the cops, hell the statute of limitations has run out on that one.”
“Mom?”
“Why? She didn’t do anything back then.”
“You don’t
think—” He took a deep breath. “You don’t think she knew and didn’t do anything?”
“No, I
don’t.” Rick shook his head. “It was hard for her then, learning how to live
without Dad. And I was so easy to
forget when I was good.”
“You
shouldn’t have to carry this by yourself.”
“Have been
for thirty years. I’ve gotten used to
it.” He was looking up at the sky now.
Rick
shouldn’t have to carry it alone.
“I want to
tell you a story Rick. It’s about this
boy, just a normal boy.” AJ touched his shoulder. “He thought he was
different. He had secrets and got into
trouble, a lot. He was lonely. One day his parents brought him a little
brother. And that little brother didn’t care that his brother got into trouble
or was different. He knew all his big
brother’s secrets. You know what Rick,
it didn’t matter because no matter how much trouble he got into, or how
different he was or how many he secrets he had, his little brother would always
love him. Always Rick.”
Rick turned
to him, tears in his eyes. “Geez AJ, you remember that story.”
“I
remember. I remember you were the one
that was hurting the most and you still took the time to comfort me when I was
scared. Just like you always do. We’ve fought a lot a demons haven’t we, for
other people, sometimes for ourselves.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry I
couldn’t help you fight this one.”
He grabbed
AJ by the upper arms and shook him gently. “You have, you do. You’ve always been there for me and that’s
what I need. You’ve always made me feel
like someone important.”
“You are,
Rick, you’re my big brother.”
“Sometimes
it hurts, sometimes it hurt a lot. This
demon’s still alive and kickin’.”
“I’ll help
anyway I can.”
“I know, and
Kid, that’s enough.”
“I’d much
rather beat Stanley to a bloody pulp with my bare fists.”
Rick
laughed, shakily. “Don’t think I haven’t dreamed of doing that same thing.”
“What do we
do now?” He began thinking of all the favors he could call in, all the people
who would be able to help him make Stanley’s life a living hell.
“Go on, just
like we always do.”
He said, suddenly,
fiercely, “You matter, you matter to me.”
Then AJ held
him softly, gently, as Rick cried.